No intro today, not really feeling it. Remember to review! Next chapter will be one of your requests!

Rule #301: Should you accidentally make contact with a primitive intelligent species, do not tell them you are a god, it may go badly for the rest of the landing party.

"Damn it! I'm a doctor, not a roast beef!"

"Doctor, that is not helping…"

"Shove it, Spock!"

"Excuse me?"

"That's not helping either, Bones."

"Oh, you want helping? I'll give you helping!"

Kirk cringed at the volume (sound and number) of swears that came out of McCoy's mouth. They, along with Spock, were currently tied up to posts while the natives that had captured them danced and chanted around them, the result of an away mission gone slightly wrong. Two crewmen were dead, and they were tied up with no way to contact the Enterprise. Spock took advantage of the fact it was mostly dark and rolled his eyes.

"Dr. McCoy, your swearing is not going to help us in any way," he said.

"Now you listen here," McCoy yelled, and started right back up again with his insults. "You green-blooded, pointy eared, hobgoblin son of a…"

"Bones!" Kirk barked. "Shut, up!"

The chanting of the natives stopped. One of the natives stood on the podium, the rest dropped to the ground.

"I give you, our Kiij'jia, Gilfri!" he cried. The natives started chanting as the "Kiij'jia Gilfri", better known as Ensign Oliver Gilfrey, stepped out. He smiled awkwardly and waved to the natives, until he saw his Captain, First Officer, and Chief Medical Officer tied to posts twenty feet away.

"Captain, I…" Gilfrey started to apologize.

"Stow it, Gilfrey," Kirk snapped, choosing a kinder choice of words than McCoy would have.

Gilfrey cringed. The lead native glared at Kirk.

"You insult our Kiij'jia!" he said. "How dare you! Prepare him!"

"Crap," Kirk muttered as five natives surrounded him.

"Stop!" Gilfrey cried. "Leave him alone!"

"He insult you!" the native said. "He must pay. He shall be first."

"Hey you idiots! Leave him alone… Whoa!" The natives grabbed the end of McCoy's pole and spun him around. "Stop it! I swear I'm gonna kill you! Stop it now! Ulp…" The doctor started turning green.

One of the natives turned around to start spinning Spock, but the Vulcan gave him a strong, cold glare. The native squirmed uncomfortably, thought better of it, and left Spock alone.

"Hey!" Kirk cried as he was hoisted into the air. "Put me down… oh-no!"

"You insult our Kiij'jia!" the natives chanted. "For that, you pay."

"Shall your spirit be cleansed by the sacred flames," the lead native said.

Kirk now understood why McCoy was using such colorful language. However, if he was going to die, he would go with as much dignity as he could manage, which meant he was not going to have his last words be something he might regret in the next life. Not that being sacrificed by primitive natives to an Ensign that they had mistaken for a god was in any way dignifying. Kirk closed his eyes, waiting to be tossed into the flames. Suddenly, the natives started screaming, and a strangely familiar sensation filled his body…

"Good Lord, are ye al'right?"

Kirk opened his eyes. He was still tied to his pole, as were McCoy and Spock to theirs. Gilfrey was still in that ridiculous native costume. However, they were no longer on the planet about to be sacrificed to an Ensign. They were on the Enterprise transporter pad.

"Scotty, that will be one of the few times I am glad you broke the Prime Directive," Kirk said. "And once again, your timing is uncanny."

"Uh… y'er welcome?" Scotty said.

"Now would you mind untying us?" Kirk asked. He looked at Gilfrey. "Two things, Mr. Gilrey. One, what happened down there never gets out."

"Yes sir," Gilfrey said.

"And two, never, ever, do that again."

"Yes sir."

McCoy grinned. "All hail Kiij'jia Gilfri."

"Dr. McCoy," Spock said. "That was completely unnecessary."

McCoy was the last to be untied.