I couldn't love so I would run for lust.

Things got bad. They got worse, too, in the soft way that things did. Not all at once, just bit by bit, day by day, until Natsu stopped thinking about how can I make this better, and just started existing. Most of his time was spent in that old diner with Brandish, and most of the money he made went to her, too.

Sometimes, Brandish would smoke with him. sometimes, she'd only watch, wearing that mean, detached smile she'd perfected over the years. Some nights would pass and he'd wake up with his pants around his ankles. Some would see him out and around Magnolia.

June was peeping at him around a sharp corner. The air verily hummed with mosquitos and was heady with lilac pollen. Natsu breathed it in and got lost. So. So lost. So lost, that he didn't see the shiny and expensive car pull up beside him, nor did he hear the door open. Then he felt an arm loop around his shoulders and saw the flash of golden rings. Cologne invaded his nose. The good stuff. He rolled his eyes right and saw the cross laying against a shirt that probably cost more than his rent each month.

"Evening."

Natsu didn't even bother to look at him. "I haven't contacted her."

"I know. That's good, Natsu. I'm glad."

"Then why are you here?"

"Just checking in. Seeing how you're doing under the stress. Some people crack when they get their first body under their feet." Natsu's heart felt like a stone. He shook Jellal off and started walking fast. Jellal called at his back, "Dead men do tell tales, Natsu. Keep your nose clean."

He wandered around Magnolia for two hours wondering what Jellal meant. Did he know where the body was buried? How could he? Was he going to dig it up and tell the police? But why would he?

Like they were summoned, an ancient police car eased up beside him and the window rolled down. Natsu considered making a break for it but he recognized Gildarts' scruff of beard in the dashboard light.

"Hey, kid."

For the first time in weeks, he cared that he was a mess. "Gildarts." Did that sound sober? He thought yes, but the way Gildarts looked at him suggested maybe not.

"It's late."

Natsu had no idea what time it was. Late enough that the ground was silver by the light of the moon. "Yeah."

"You shouldn't be wandering around. Get in."

Natsu was suspicious. "Are you going to take me back to the station?"

"Should I?"

He saw dots of blood all over the entryway of his apartment, where countless shoes had been kicked off, where Lucy had stood, where her neat and tidy uncle had stood, where Gildarts had, a time or two, stood.

He saw the fridge he'd toppled over at the quarry.

"Natsu?"

"Yeah?"

"Get in." Gildarts reached across the cab and opened the passenger's door. The overhead light turned on and all at once, Gildarts' police radio spat into the night. It was loud and abrupt and stopped almost as soon as it started; Natsu didn't have time to understand what was said.

Gildarts turned down the dial so the voice was lower and put the car in drive just as soon as the door was closed. He handed Natsu a water bottle. He didn't realize how thirsty he was until the cool liquid was sliding down his throat.

The silence in the car was interrupted by the occasional radio burst and the drone of the air conditioning, and then, "What is it?"

"What's what?"

"What are you on?"

"Hm?"

"The drugs, Natsu. What did you take?"

He pressed his cheek against the window and smiled sloppily. "Nothing."

Gildarts sighed. "Is it cocaine?"

"That makes people angry."

"Zeref loves it."

"Zeref loves to be angry. I don't think I do." He loved to laugh. He loved the way it made his throat raw and his stomach hurt.

"Then what? Opioids? Synthetics?"

"Nothing."

Gildarts looked at him. It was too dark to see the nature of his expression. "You should spend more time at my place. The Bunkie's all yours whenever."

Natsu closed his eyes. The next time he opened them, the movie store was in view. The lights were on inside and the curtains were drawn.

The door opened under Natsu's cheek. He would have fallen out but Gildarts grabbed him up and lifted him out and when he did that, he found the small and filthy pipe Natsu had stuffed in his pocket. He sighed so deeply, Natsu felt his chest expand. He saved all of his questions for Zeref, though, when he opened the front door and accepted Natsu from Gildarts' grip. Natsu somehow found his way to the couch while they talked. He sat, dazed, and watched Zeref's back. His hair was getting too long. His eyes kept trekking to the wall where the blood used to be. He was in a tightfitting T-shirt and a pair of track pants. He was in sandals.

Angel appeared at Natsu's side and whispered in his ear, "I think you're in trouble."

Natsu rolled his head on the couch so he could look at her. She was in dark, dark eyeliner and her lips were painted purple. "Why?"

"Zeref doesn't like heroin."

Natsu lifted his shoulder.

She took his wrist between her cool fingers and used the tip of one rounded and silver-painted nail to tickle his skin. "Does that feel good?" Her voice was still a whisper.

"Yeah." In the way nothing else did unless he was high.

Her eyes sparkled, two wet pools. "Do you have any more?"

"Yeah."

Angel leaned in and held out her hand between them. Natsu started to dig into his pocket for it just as Zeref closed the door on Gildarts and faced him. "Get out, Angel."

"Out? I just got here," Angel protested.

"Get out." You always knew Zeref had a streak of mean in him, one that always bordered on violence, though it made infrequent appearances. You could see it in the way he held his jaw—it was always tense.

Despite his penchant for it, he mostly managed to keep it wrangled in. The fury was pushing close to the surface now, though, his eyes got narrow and he clenched his teeth.

Angel hesitated for so long that Natsu thought she might stick around just to see how mean mean might be, but then she did move. She got her bag and put on her expensive heels and left, slamming the door too loudly.

Zeref zeroed in on Natsu. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing"

"Really? Because when Gildarts gets a call that some fucking kook is wandering down Main and he shows up and it's you, that says to me you're missing a few marbles."

"What the fuck do you care? I didn't hurt anyone."

"You could have hurt yourself. And what if it wasn't Gildarts that answered that call? You could have been arrested—"

"For being stoned?" Natsu rolled his eyes.

Zeref crossed to him quicker than Natsu could track and reached into his pocket without his permission, pulling out the heroin Natsu hadn't had the chance to give to Angel. "For this, fuck stick."

Panic filled up his chest and tried to spill out. Natsu shot up and reached for the drugs. Zeref was much faster, taking them out of range and pushing Natsu back. The couch was at his knees; he fell back into the dusty cushions and when he tried to get up again, Zeref grabbed his shoulder and held him there. He leaned in so their noses were almost touching. Natsu saw a lot of his father in Zeref's gaze then. He learned how to not be nice from the best of them. "I'm throwing this the fuck out, and if I see you with any again—"

"Then what?" Natsu asked when his brother trailed off.

Zeref's hard edges got soft. "Just don't do it, Natsu. We don't fuck with heroin, remember?"

They also didn't kill people, but sometimes, the rules got broken.

A dock sat in front of Natsu, the wood sticking out into the water like a long, puckered and rotting tongue. He drifted to the end of it, led on by the waves quietly lapping at the wood, and sat down. There was a dock post behind him that he leaned back against. The water was close enough that he could trail the tips of his fingers trailing through it. First, though, he lit a cigarette he'd taken off Zeref. Neither one of them smoked, really, but when exercise wouldn't cut it, Natsu needed to punish himself in other ways.

He put his feet in the cool water, too, though he had his running shoes on, and felt peace settle over him. For a moment, he didn't ache for heroin. The day-long withdrawal that had made all of his muscles tight and his tongue dry and his head burst with each beat of his heart was in the background.

To make it through the day, he tried telling himself that it was a kind of sickness he didn't even mind because when he was home, Zeref tried to act like they hadn't buried a body out in the old quarry, and that was all Natsu could think about when his head was quiet enough to think about it. At least like this, he had other things to be concerned with. He wasn't obsessively cleaning the spot Wally died, he wasn't listening to the radio every damn hour to hear any scrap of information about it. He wasn't hearing Wally's girlfriend come on and talk about her missing boyfriend and he wasn't wondering why no one else seemed to care he was gone.

His quiet reflection was interrupted by laughter and the clatter of high heels on ancient, pressure-treated wood. Three girls passed through the curtains of a streetlamp. He recognized two of them immediately, one was Mirajane, the other was Angel. The third was a brunette he didn't think he knew.

Something was said that Natsu missed. Raucous laughter spun and echoed off trees and boats and water. It was intoxicating, though it was the kind of laughter that didn't invite outsiders to join.

The girls stopped walking. Mira leaned against one of the polls, laughter petered out for something softer and wetter. One of them sighed. Natsu splashed in the water so they'd know he was there. Angel was the first to spot him. She fixed her—clothing? Was that the right term for whatever the hell it was she wore?—and smiled.

"Hey, Natsu."

"Hey."

"The party's up top, you know?"

He didn't know how to explain that everything was just A Lot. He thought a party would make things better. Forty minutes in and it was looking like a big fucking mistake.

"Natsu?"

He remembered he should speak when he was spoken to. "I needed air."

"Us, too." Angel sagged beneath the weight of the brunette's arm and they both pitched towards the edge. Natsu was prepared for them to go in the water. They figured it out last-second. That was good. He didn't think he was sober enough to do anything but watch it happen, and Mira didn't look like she was faring much better, with a dazed and empty look on her face.

Angel said, "Did your bother come tonight?"

Natsu lifted his shoulder. His body obeyed but it didn't feel like it should have. He could have been two separate beings then, body and mind. Mind Natsu was categorizing the brunette kissing Angel's throat. Body Natsu was too detached to do anything but enjoy the way cool water caressed his fingers and smoke filled his lungs.

"He didn't say anything?"

Natsu shook his head.

"Not about coming?"

"No."

"And not about me?"

"No."

"Not even after I left?"

"No."

"I thought you said he was an asshole, Angel?" Mira asked.

"He is. I just wanted to know."

"If he's an asshole, forget about him," Natsu muttered. His brother never had to say sorry, everyone just forgave him, always. It'd be nice if he just got what was coming his way for once.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway." Angel fluffed back her hair and stood straighter. "Did you come with anyone?" Natsu again shook his head. "Then come hang out," she offered. "It'll be better than hanging out here by yourself. I have something to keep the buzz going."

Really, that was the only thing he wanted to hear.

Natsu was fourteen when he first met Amber Prim. She had hair like autumn wheat fields. It hung to her ankles. She'd comb it with short fingers and long fingernails if she didn't have her bone-toothed comb. She had eyes the colour of the sea. Those eyes were kind if not a little bit devoid of deep emotion.

After three weeks, she told Natsu she loved him, and he believed her.

He arrived home from school one day near the beginning of summer, dropped off by the bus, though Zeref had his licence and could have driven him home. He saw Amber's bike sitting on the front lawn, tipped over like she'd rushed to get inside. Natsu dropped his bag by the front door and hurried to his room to meet her. They had twenty unsupervised minutes before Mom got home from work and he planned on taking advantage of them.

And that's where he caught his brother kissing her. Natsu had never kissed a girl like that before. Her back was bent so the ends of her pretty hair were touching the floor and she held Zeref's arms more than he held her.

She'd left shortly after that. Natsu didn't talk to Zeref again until, one day, almost an entire month later, his dad had spent all of the money again and another fight reunited them once more. With a common enemy, it was like nothing had ever happened. Neither one of them ever mentioned Amber again.

Despite 'burying the hatchet,' when things spiraled the way they always seemed to spiral lately and Angel leaned or he leaned or they both leaned in, Natsu, at first, felt vindicated kissing her. It was almost like getting revenge that had been six years in the making.

She kissed wetly and expertly and he knew well before it started he was way the fuck out of his depth. He didn't kiss girls like her. He especially didn't kiss them when they left his apartment not eighteen hours before, furious.

He leaned away from her and somehow got up off the picnic table by the dock and left her behind without saying a thing. She never tried to call him back.

Ultear was up by the fire pit, smoking a joint and drinking a beer and watching a girl with red hair with a hungry expression until Natsu sat down beside her and dampened all of her good mood with his frown.

"What's wrong with you?"

Natsu's tongue was unusually loose. "I kissed Angel."

"Zeref's Angel?"

"Yeah."

She tipped her head back and laughed.

"It's not funny."

"It is a little bit. I told Zeref she was a slut. Serves him right."

Natsu decided she wasn't going to be any help and stood.

"Hey, wait." Ultear grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Fuck off if you're just going to laugh about it." Natsu attempted to shake her off; she was like a burr, though, and wouldn't let go.

"I'm sorry. That was mean. Sit down, tell me about it."

He gave up too easily. She was one of the only friends he had any more. "I don't know what the fuck happened. We were just sitting there and…" He trailed off. He really didn't have an explanation.

Ultear opened her mouth; there was something mean on her tongue. She looked at him a split second before saying it and choked it back, though. "It's not that big of a deal. It's just a kiss."

It felt like a big deal.

"Seriously, don't sweat it. There are worse things."

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes, I fuck my stepbrother."

"Your stepbrother," Natsu clarified for her.

"Yeah. Sure. We're not really related, but our parents have been together for years. Trust me. It's weird. We basically grew up together. He tells everyone I'm his sister."

Natsu thought about family dinners, sitting next to the girl he introduced as 'sister,' then sneaking her into the main floor bathroom and fucking her while Grandma was setting out dessert. "That is weird."

"Right? Once, I had a threesome with him and his crazy girlfriend. She went off the rails and they broke up afterwards. He blamed me. we had a huge fight but I still woke up to him climbing into my bed that night. I wasn't even mad."

Who did that? "Are you lying to make me feel better?"

She looked at him seriously. "Not even a little bit."

Natsu leaned back on the rock he was using as a stool and sighed.

Ultear asked, "Why are you hooking up with Angel, anyway? I thought you and Lucy were good again?"

Did everyone know about their brief stint? Maybe they hadn't been that secretive. "We're done."

"That's what you said last time."

"For real this time."

"Well." Ultear slapped his thigh briskly and stood. "Then she's not here with her little wannabe friend."

"What?" Natsu scoured the party. He spotted Lucy's friend Levy first, looking both intrigued and slightly disgusted speaking with Gajeel Redfox. He saw a flash of blonde shortly thereafter, moving from the keg to Levy's side. There were two beers in her hand.

She must have felt his eyes on her because she turned her head so fast, Natsu worried about her neck. She pined him like a bug on a cork board. He almost froze when she changed her direction, then he remembered her cousin's warning, and the blood him and Zeref spent the early hours scrubbing. He shot up after Ultear and chased her down. He didn't look back to Lucy once; she must have stopped following him, though, because she didn't appear at his side.

"You're serious, eh?" Ultear cut right through the forest path and kicked aside trash with her combats.

"I told you."

"Poor Natsu." She almost sneered but saved it last-second so he couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

Fire glowed off of trees and grass. People sat around it, most drinking, some roasting marshmallows. Natsu's eyes got caught in molten silver and for a moment, he thought, ludicrously, that Lisanna was there. Then he saw the cheap, plastic shine of bangles and he knew better.

Mira didn't immediately come to sit with him. She was flirting half-heartedly with someone tall and broad. Natsu drank the fireball he'd paid for with the money he'd taken from Zeref that morning while his brother was supposedly at work, and watched her fake-smile and fake-laugh. Nothing ever reached her eyes. She was a black hole emotions could never escape.

She caught his eye a few times. Eventually, she gave up trying to flirt and left the guy's side for Natsu's. It was hard to tell if he was put off or not or if he even noticed her absence, he was kind of blank-eyed like everyone else there, staring at the flames and not really absorbing.

"This is a party you know?" Mira smelled exactly like limes. Natsu didn't know if it was body spray or if she'd been doing shots. "You could at least pretend that you're having fun."

He didn't want to pretend and have everyone whisper about how fake he was like they'd do to Mira. He wanted to actually feel good. "This party sucks."

Mira sighed and bumped her shoulder against his. "Yeah."

He drank some more whisky and handed it her way. She drank it back greedily.

"How are you liking Fairy Hills?"

"It's okay. The therapist is kind of a creep, though. He's always trying to get a peek up my skirt to see my underwear."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And I met a girl there. She's okay," she finished. "We were supposed to hang out here tonight but after we found you, she split."

"She went home?"

"I'm pretty sure she actually took off with my brother and I'm also pretty sure they're fucking." Her nose curled. Natsu genuinely laughed. He couldn't help it. She nudged his shoulder. "It's not funny. He better be wearing a condom and he better not wander to the lake and drown."

"Did you want help looking for him?"

She looked horrified. "No."

"Good. I don't want to get involved." Natsu handed over the whisky again. His heart was starting to beat evenly after his encounter with Lucy. He almost felt like he could do this.

There came a point in the night where the laughter turned from loud to manic. It came at Natsu from all directions and it was like a forest fire. As soon as it got too close, it started to catch him, too, until he was laughing just as hysterically, just as loosely, just as wildly.

It was fake, just like he feared, but it felt good. Better than he expected. He decided people could whisper all they liked.

In amongst the lunatic fancies, Mira confessed to him things Natsu knew she'd never ever said. Her words fell out of his head just as quickly as she spoke them; he only retained about twenty percent That made him a bad listener but she had a lot to say.

He thought she said it was her that introduced Lisanna to the online chat forum months before she died. She was worried about her sister not getting the support she needed. Lisanna had always been shy and only, as far as Mira knew, had two friends, Natsu and a girl Natsu didn't remember meeting. Mira said they'd met after Natsu moved to the city.

She said other things, too. Secrets Natsu didn't think he had any business knowing. His own was on the tip of his tongue. He drank more to keep it down. Dead body guilt was different than the kind of guilt Mira was experiencing, he told himself. It didn't linger as long and it wasn't as corrosive so he could hold onto it for a little while longer.

"You're nice, Natsu, listening to me ramble." Mira closed her eyes and smiled. Her makeup wasn't as perfect as it was when the night began. Neither was her lipstick. It wasn't non-smudgy like Lucy's; it was smeared on his mouth promptly. Natsu didn't care until the next morning when he woke to her tiptoeing out of his room, her panties in her purse.