Disclaimer: not mine as usual

Thank you guys for all the nice and supportive reviews I got so far, they made me all warm inside!

Thanks to MonaDelMar for her help and a BIG hug to Jenny for being so sweet and encouraging all the time - love you girl!

CHAPTER 14

Neela couldn't say how she made it home.

She remembered leaving Ray, but everything after that had gone by like a fuzzy dream.

She hadn't seen the pitiful and strange looks of the other passengers in the EL nor had she heard voices asking her if she was all right.

All she could do to stop herself from falling apart was to shut it all out, pretend she didn't hear or see, it was the only way she could hold herself together.

Almost immediately after Neela reached her apartment she broke down.

Harsh sobs racked her body and the tears she had tried to hold back were streaming down her face.

As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she couldn't fight the feeling that she had just blown her last chance of true happiness and that she couldn't blame anyone, but herself and her stupid damn pride.

After what seemed like hours Neela finally fell asleep – Ray's accusing eyes following her into her dreams.

0-0-0-0-

When Ray stumbled through the doors of County the next morning he barely had enough energy to keep his eyes open.

He'd almost called in sick, but that would have given him too much time to think about last night.

"Morning" he whispered tiredly.

"Here, you look like you could do with this" Abby said handing him a coffee. "Rough night?"

"You have no idea!"

0-0-0-0-

After Neela had left he'd been in despair. Not even in his darkest hours in Africa had he felt this bad, the memory of her had always helped him to get through them.

Now with her gone that last ray of light had gone with her and all that was left was gloom.

She had come to him for a reason, and he'd let his anger stop himself from finding out what that was.

Why hadn't he just let her talk? Ray had asked himself that question about a million times.

He'd even tried to convince himself that he'd been too drunk to handle everything right, but if he was honest he had done it on purpose – he'd wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him.

The image of her falling face when he had accused her of only searching for a new toy had been haunting him since the very moment he'd opened his mouth, and as much as he tried he couldn't seem to erase it.

What had come over him to tell her something like that? How could he yell at her for running away when it was him who had run first? He knew he'd done nothing but flee when he had seen Neela and Gates in the conference room. He might call it differently but frankly in the end it came down to him running from his feelings.

He had briefly played with the idea of downing the rest of the bottle to numb his mind, and stop the never-ending circle of questions he didn't have the answer for, but he couldn't find the energy to get up again, let alone walk over to the couch.

Besides he was already drunk and he couldn't afford to show up drunk at work.

So in the end, all he had done was sit, leaning on the wall he had slid down, wondering when and why his life had spiraled out of his control.

This certainly wasn't what he had dreamed of.

He'd watched the night turn into day, hoping that the new day wouldn't be as dreadful as the others were.

0-0-0-0-

"Ray..." Abby waved a hand in front of his face.

"Did you even listen to what I was saying?"

"Huh? Sorry, what did you say?" He glanced at her, shrugging an apology.

"I asked if you want to talk about it."

"Listen Abby I know you only want to help, but ..."

Ray was cut off abruptly as Chuny stormed into the lounge calling out "Abby, your patient is crashing again"

"Shit! We'll talk later. I'll come and find you" Abby called over her shoulder, already on her way.

He hoped that the day would bring so many traumas that he could bury himself into work.

0-0-0-0-

It was the end of his shift when Ray saw Abby again.

"So ..." she waited for him to talk.

"So what?"

Abby grunted "Don't give me that, Ray. You know exactly what I mean."

"Do I?"

Abby shot him such a black look that he didn't dare play stupid anymore.

"Listen Abby, last night was shit, but nothing that's worth talking about, okay?"

"Do you know that Luka and Pratt want you to see a psychologist?"

"What? Why?" Ray asked slightly confused. Obviously he wasn't playing his role as perfectly as he had thought.

Would it really be that bad to see someone who wasn't involved into this whole mess? he asked himself.

It wasn't like he hadn't consider this before and maybe if he could get his mind around the hostage-situation and was able to deal with it and its aftermath in a productive manner, maybe then he'd be able to get his own life back on track and could fight for Neela.

He sighed and then said barely above a whisper "I'm trying to get better, I really am, I just need more time to cope with everything and …."

"And what, Ray?" Abby urged.

"Nothing, forget it."

What was the point of coping anyway now that he had blown the last chance he might have had with her?

Back in the jungle he had fought to survive, because he had convinced himself he had a reason to come home, but now he wasn't that sure anymore. Maybe it would have been better if he had just died there and then.

'Get a grip Barnett. Since when do you think that death would be a better outcome?'

He had to close his mind to those thoughts immediately, they weren't who he was.

0-0-0-0-

On his way out of the hospital he almost collided with Neela who was rushing in.

They both stood there rooted to the spot, their eyes locked trying to say what words couldn't.

"Ray" Neela whispered, but he shook his head and began to walk away.

Neela caught him on his arm "Please stay ... last night … I"

"You what, Neela? Listen, this isn't the right time to talk. You're running late for work and I..."

He took a deep breath "We'll do it later, okay?"

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So we're making progress, just bear with me a little longer and their long-overdue talk will happen sometime soon.

Does anybody know how old Ray was in back in season 13? Thanks in advance.

Now please review and let me know what you think :P