Derek's body urged him to remain in the shower another ten minutes, just ten minutes more. Ten more minutes without his wife nagging him, it would take ten minutes longer to get into work, giving him ten more minutes without running into Meredith, he didn't know how he was going to explain what he had said last night. Why on earth had his vocal cords ignored his rational mind and listened solely to his confused naive Meredith filled heart.

"You nearly finished babe?" god she couldn't even let him shower in peace.

Damn he cursed himself for cursing her. She wasn't the one who had told someone else she loved them, and it wasn't her kissing someone else every chance she got. Yes she had cheated on him and with his best friend but she was trying to repent for her sins, she regretted her sins.

Did he?

He wished he did, it would mean there was possibly still a decent man somewhere deep down inside of his aging, tired body. He couldn't understand how he had gone from feeling so full of life and ready for everything it shot at him, to three months down the line feeling ready for his retirement home and war books.

Wiping the steam from the mirror above the small white basin with his still dripping hand he glanced at his reflection, the dark circles under his heavy eyes reflecting his most inner emotions as accurately as possible.

"Derek?" Addison called into him again as she finished touching up her lipstick using a hand held vanity mirror, she had spent the last five minutes debating putting the ring back in his pocket and leaving them where he left them, but then he would have known something was wrong because she always cleaned up everywhere before they left work work, she thought it made the trailer seem smaller then it was and it was always nicer to come home to a clean home. She then thought about placing it under the bed where it had originally fallen and letting him look for it. A couple more ideas ran through her mind before she realized how pathetic she sounded, here she was trying to cover up the fact she knows her husband doesn't want her anymore. Trying to ignore the many painful visions she has running through her mind of Derek removing the ring before he see's Meredith and them doing all the things he caught her doing with Mark.

This is had to be the most confusing situation to be in; here she was hurting beyond all belief because Derek is clearly in love with Meredith. Her husband loves another woman. This is usually the kind of situation that involves lots of tears and possibly lots of drinking but one thing it definitely involves is the love and support of people around her. She loved Derek now as she always had, that was something even Mark couldn't remove. She loved him as deeply as the day she said I do, therefore his affections for another woman hurt her like any other wife would hurt. But the kicker, the real bitch of it all was, she had hurt him first which completely destroyed any sympathy she should have expected if things were different, even the sympathy she should naturally experience for herself. Every time her eyes welled at the thought of Meredith with her man, a strong blow in the pit of her stomach told her she had no right to cry. She deserved this

Didn't she?

She deserved him hurting her this way. This was karma. Karma actually existed. What hurt was most was, if she was crying herself to sleep alone at night because her husband was blatantly falling in love with another woman, if that was her karma ... why didn't Derek lose a moments sleep all those months she very blatantly fell in love with someone else too?

Why did it take seeing her in bed with Mark? Why did he only react once his pride was blown?

Was this really fair? Surely if Karma meant you get what you give, why wasn't she now blissfully content with her failing marriage for a few months, even for a few years, why wasn't she able to go to work and life her life like everything is fine, why couldn't she blindly walk in on him with Meredith just once and have it just be that. Why was she feeling so much pain? Why was she letting herself feel so much pain, the marriage vows weren't what held her to this situation. She loved him; she loved him enough to feel like this every day

Why couldn't she love herself enough to let him go?

"Ready?" Derek asked and stated as he fixed the collar of his white shirt clumsily over his black jumper, he made sure to keep his right hand hidden in his pocket, he didn't have the energy or desire to fight with her over his bruised knuckles. Addison's eyes darted painfully from his just shaven face to the third finger of his left hand, the indent of where his ring should be evident at its base. Even if he didn't miss the thing that told the world he belonged to her, surely his finger would miss the gold it is used to having surround it

Too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind

She hadn't had time to figure out how she was going to approach this with him, but it had been over thirty minutes since he woke up, he had shaven and showered and he still hadn't noticed it was missing. Or had he?

"Missing this?" Addison pulled the ring from the tight confines of her navy skirt pocket. She held it between her thumb and index finger, the sunlight beaming from its spherical form and into his stunned eyes. Her lips closed firmly, the rage she had suppressed while she basked in the heartache rapidly racing to the surface and gleaming from her tight expression

"I—"He began, his mouth suddenly dryer then a desert

"What was I thinking" She scoffed with a sardonic smile "of course you don't miss it ... You can't miss something you don't want" Addison threw the ring into his chest and they both stood in silence as it clanged onto the tiled floor

"I have to get to work" Derek announced, completely pushing aside the argument he knew they had to have. Turning from her he picked up his briefcase and walked towards the door.

He knew if he stayed right now he could end his marriage, and the biggest part of him signed with relief and even joy at the prospect of being free of this misery. No matter matter how big that part of him was it wasn't nowhere near as fearsome as the part of him that told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life; he wasn't this weak; he wasn't the kind of man to walk away from his vows because his heart is temporarily infatuated with Meredith. He loved the woman standing behind him at one point, this wasn't beyond repair.

So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair, I am in repair

"You can't just walk away all the time Derek" Addison finally spoke, after he had stood staring at the door for short while. "We have to deal with this" She declared emotionally

"I have to deal with it" He snapped, shutting her up quickly. "I am the one dealing with my wife's infidelities" His voice was harsh and bitter and as he turned she saw his eyes reflected the same

"I am dealing with yours too" Addison startled and confused him. A rush of regret ran through him for the first time as he realized she may know about what had happened with Meredith this week, and yet he still couldn't help himself for sounding completely stupid and saying

"What?"

"You told me you loved her Derek, you ... you told me you fell in love with her" Addison sighed

"That was different ... you had just slept with Mark, I never thought we would try again" Derek rolled his eyes as he reasoned, his ring free hand released his case and it hit the floor with a thud as he ran his hand through his still shower damped hair, the frustration cursing through him.

"You're still in love with her" Addison proclaimed loudly, her arms flaying with dramatic expression before they rested heavily on her hips, Derek fought with a thousand different comebacks, all of which would either cost him his marriage or what was left of his integrity

Stood on the corner for a while
to wait for the wind to blow down on me
hoping it takes with it my old ways
and brings some brand new luck upon me

"Just because you don't tell me you are doesn't mean it's not glaringly obvious" Derek lowered his gaze from her unable to respond "I know you are in love with her, but I am dealing with that" She emphasized the word dealing as she tried to regain his eye contact

"I am waiting for you Derek" she finally finished when he looked up at her

"I am late" He mumbled as he picked up his case again

"Derek your ring" Addison stopped him leaving again, this time he never turned to face her, his head simply tilted towards her

"Are you going to pick it up?" She asked, the words drenched in double entendre

Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Derek turned and reached his hand out to her, palm flat and expecting.

"You want me to pick it up?" She stared cross-browed at him

"You dropped it" He stated flatly

"I threw it at you ... you didn't catch it" They somehow felt more comfortable fighting about them without fighting about them

"You dropped it" He repeated before he walked out and leaving her looking from the half closed door to the wedding ring yet again on the floor.

"My head hurts" Meredith rhythmically massaged her temples, her knees bent to her chest as she sat upon an unused hospital bed in the desolate hallway.

"How are you even able to experience hangovers anymore?" Cristina quizzed her in feigned astonishment, her head never leaving the text book set between her crossed legs. "You immune system has had enough practice fighting them off"

"Your voice is hurting my sore head" Meredith whined

"I am sorry, should I breathe quieter too?"

"That would be nice" Meredith responded as though Cristina had been serious on any level

"Stop whining ... if you don't like the sore sore head, avoid the bad bad beer" Cristina mocked her friend but still shot her sporadic concerned glances unbeknownst to Meredith

"Did you remember yet?" Izzie asked at a volume higher then Meredith could handle.

"Ah" Meredith whined more, sending Izzie a seething look as she approach the two interns and stood between them arms folded holding the chart in her hands to her chest

"Not that there's anything to remember, I am just wondering if you remember whatever it was that happened last night, that I know nothing about" Izzie finally took a breath as her friends stared intently at her, Meredith even stilled her massaging motion

"Geez what kind of coffee bean did you ride to work on today" Cristina quipped in Izzie's direction

"I am just a concerned friend" Izzie back tracked "Meredith can't remember a whole 4 hours of her life, four hours just gone like that... I am concerned"

"You don't remember" Cristina turned her attention from Izzie to her best friend, her person, her very head sore whiny person.

"It's only four hours" Meredith was compelled to defend her actions "I probably just drank at Joe's until he called me a cab and I came home"

"You don't remember?" Cristina repeated with more exasperation

"No" Meredith bleated burying her head back into her knees

"Boy your head must hurt" Cristina half laughed, she also took a quick once over glance at Meredith to ensure she wasn't injured during her missing four hours, this concern Meredith was bringing out in her was terribly concerning

"I need to talk to you ... Now" Izzie mouthed dramatically and silently pointing to Cristina while Meredith's face was in her knees.

"I have a patient" Cristina lied to Meredith as she collected her books and charts and rose to her feet

"Eh" Meredith muttered and waved laxly as both Izzie and Cristina walked down the hallway and back into the hustle and bustle of the hospital

How could four hours be gone just like that? She really needed to cut back on the drinking. The burning at the back of her throat told her she definitely threw up at some point last night. She had always been able to drink her friends under the table even the male ones...even the Irish ones. What was so different about last night that she forgot it? She had read somewhere that memory loss, blackouts after alcohol or anything was usually the minds defence mechanism, preventing us from remembering something we simply couldn't deal with. But after everything she had been through these last few months, there was nothing that could happen to her that she would need to prevent remembering.

Or was there?

"This better be good" Cristina warned as Izzie directed her into an empty on call room "I was studying"

"McDreamy told her he loved her" Izzie blurted out like the fool who couldn't keep the surprise party under wraps

"What?" Cristina stood confused

"Last night, he was at the house and he left and hours later Meredith stumbles in blissful because he told her he loved her"

"Firstly, Izzie breathe ... secondly... Are you kidding me?"

"Yeah I know ... this morning she woke up and didn't remember and I didn't know what to do, I don't know if he's left Addison or if he was just a complete ass"

"McAsshole" Cristina couldn't resist creating yet another Mc name

"Did I do the right thing not reminding her ... I mean, there has to be a reason she doesn't remember right?" Izzie looked to Cristina for reassurance she had done the right thing,

"Yeah no don't tell her anything. We need to find out from him what happened before we tell her anything" Izzie nodded in agreeance

"He really told her he loved her, now after everything?" Cristina was still amazed

"That's what she said ... she was ecstatic" Izzie described, she was sad for Meredith, she had never seen Meredith that happy, even when she was with Derek months ago, she wasn't that happy.

"She was drunk" Cristina read her mind, "let operation find McAsshole commence" she explained as they left the room.

"You check the 3rd floor and I'll sweep this one" She directed Izzie

"Too late" Izzie cut in glancing down the hallway as Derek turned into the hallway they had left Meredith whining in

I'm gonna drive on out to the river tonight
Find a quiet spot, turn on my parking lights
I'm gonna drink some beers, try to catch a buzz
Turn my radio up and forget about us

"Morning" he offered quietly as he approached her. He had dreaded seeing her all morning but as he left the MRI room a moment before his legs guided him to where he predicted she might be. He tried to ignore the fact he had stared at the elevators for a good ten minutes hoping she would appear as the door opened time and time again.

"Hey" She smiled weakly up at him before continuing to massage her temples

"How are you feeling?" he asked afraid of the answer, but she hadn't hit him yet so things were looking ok

"Bailey is going to kill me. I am supposed to be studying for a patient I have but every time I look at the text the words jumble together and my head hurts" she silenced as Derek placed a warm hand on the crown of her bent head and rubbed affectionately, compassionately.

"Take some aspirin ... for your head" he suggested, his bedside manor making her a little weak in her already tired knees

"I already took my limit" She smiled again at him as his hand dropped from her head to her cheek, his index finger curled and stroked from her temple to the centre of her chin

I know it won't be easy but I've got a plan
to just let my memory let go of your hand
I'm gonna miss your touch
But I know I must forget about us

"It'll get easier" he assured confidently, the sparkle in his eyes and the tenderness of his smile making her feel better then she had all day.

"You promise?" She half joked with him, their eyes connecting in a way neither of them could explain, Meredith had simply learnt to call it their look

"I promise" He spoke softly, as thought he was in her mind and knew just how low his voice had to be to not hurt her

He wanted to ask her if she was dealing with his declaration ok, he wanted to know why she wasn't mad at him now. After all she wasn't drunk anymore. But to ask her how she felt could open the floodgate of emotions he had been trying to bury for months now. It was easier and better for them both if they pretended everything was ok.

"I drank a little too much last night" She explained sorrowfully, the croak in her voice making her cuter if he thought that was possible

"Yes" He stated still smiling at how adorable she looked all broken and weary

"Is your hand ok?" Meredith nodded towards the purple marks around his two biggest knuckles.

"Its fine" Derek emphasized his fineness by stretching and clenching the sore hand.

"How did you—"Meredith began

Beep Beep

"Sorry" Derek pulled his blackberry from his white coat and proceeded to open his message

I'm gonna lay me down on the hood of this car
Make another wish upon a falling star
I'm gonna think again about the way it was
I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about us

"Dammit" he cursed at the screen. "I have to—"He started

"It's ok" Meredith told him before he could finish the sentence he wasn't sure how he was going to finish.

"I'll see you later" He forced a smile in her direction and headed towards the doorway where Izzie and Cristina had been hiding away from earshot but close enough to make sure Meredith was ok.

And when the morning sun burns across my face
I'll put my shirt back on, get up and walk away
I'm gonna climb my frame onto a Greyhound bus
Take a little blue pill and forget about us

"Ladies" He smiled as he passed them, his mind so completely taken with his message, he didn't realize they had been watching him this whole time.

"You look more awake" Cristina sat beside Meredith again as Izzie ran to answer a page.

"I think the pain killers are finally doing their job" Meredith smiled

"What did McMarried want?" Cristina didn't want to hurt her, but she needed to know what Derek had said or if his presence had triggered her memory and if he hadn't triggered it, she needed Meredith to remember he was married in case her subconscious remembered what he said and that was the reason for the silly grin on her face since he walked away

"He was just being my friend" Meredith lied believably, or at least if it would have been believable if it was Cristina she was talking to

"Your friend" Cristina couldn't hide the sarcasm in her voice

"Not now Cristina, my head hurts as it is" Meredith pleaded

"He's married Mer" Cristina reminded her "It doesn't matter how many McDreamy moments he shares with you, it doesn't matter what he says to you ... He's married" Cristina felt a mother chastising her young daughter for seeing the bad boy next door, while she constantly reassured herself she was being the best friend by hurting her

"That's why he wasn't wearing his ring" Meredith grinned like a Cheshire cat before picking herself up of the bed and jumping to the floor with a spring to her step.

"So that's it, if he's left Addison you are just going to take him back?" Cristina understood Meredith but she simply couldn't help feeling disappointed in her for reacting this way

"No" Meredith's response shocked her "I wouldn't take him back" Meredith lied poorly "and he hasn't even told me he's leaving her, but he's not wearing his ring and that feels selfishly kinda good"

"You told Nancy you were coming too?" Derek hissed at Addison in the corner of the NICU

Won't you talk to me
This is so out of hand
Out of hand
Something's gone wrong
With the life that we planned

"I didn't think you were serious about me not coming" Addison feigned innocence

"I was serious, you are not coming" He demanded coldly

"Your parents are going to expect me there Derek. I am there every year, for every occasion, you are being irrational" She touched his arm and he flinched from her

"I don't want to have to deal with my marriage in front of my family, can you not understand that?" He tried to keep his voice low for the babies but his rage was overwhelming

Won't you look at me
you're avoiding my gaze
and it seems like you've changed
in so many ways

"We won't get past this if we hide away from everyone Derek ... Seattle is a nice escape I understand that, but at some point we are going have to go home, even if it s just for your Mom's birthday" Addison tried to reason with her over-reacting husband

"You have no respect for me do you?" He snapped at her, "I can't even trust you to pass along a message to my sister"

"I am trying to save our marriage Derek; I think New York for the weekend will help us"

"If you are so hell bent on going back to New York Addison, just go. Tell my mother I said Happy Birthday" He turned his back to her and walked away

"Derek" She gasped quietly

"I am not going" He made his point clear as she chased him into the hall, Addison took his hand and he felt his ring press into his palm as her eyes pleaded with him to calm down

"I have told Nancy we are going" Addison tried any lame excuse to change his mind

I don't need no apologies
I'm not looking for no sympathy
all I'm asking for
is for your honesty
Won't you give it to me
Give it to me now

"Call her back and reserve one seat for you. If you are so certain New York will save our marriage, if you so certain you know how to save our marriage, you have all the answers, you can do it without me" Derek placed the ring in his white coat pocket eliciting a gasp of heartbreak from his wife

With that Derek stepped into the elevator and waited for it to close, his eyes never leaving his wife, expressing just how serious he was.