A/N

I am very very sorry for the delay with the update! First I was so lame with finding the time to write and then my sweet beta - Fr333bird has been kidnapped by the puppies (lol) and also had to chase deadlines for several fests.

As usual - thank you Im_not_a_lizard for pre-reading and Fr333bird for beta'ing.

The picspiration for this chapter once more comes from Aaron Hobson's works: bit(dot)ly/KrVeAL

14. The Awakening

It may have been weeks, or months… or years even, Jasper isn't able to tell.

It starts with an annoying, nudging feeling that something about his life isn't right. The images of hot Texan fields seem to be fitting, and the scene with his wife and son is familiar, but underneath it all there is a false note Jasper can't grasp just yet. Then, slowly, the images become more and more distorted, and Jasper shudders when he finds out his whole life is being played in a loop.

This isn't real. This isn't happening, he realizes and tries hard to come back to the soothing fantasy, willing it to be real, bending his mind to open its shelter for him once more. He almost succeeds, yet each time he places his hands on soft hips of his wife they change into narrow, firm, bony ones. Each time he buries his face in her soft short hair its dark color changes into copper.

Finally Jasper can't take it anymore. His fingers twitch anxiously and his eyes snap open. In a brief moment of fright he inhales a large amount of water, and then tries to spit it out which appears to be impossible. His body doesn't work properly – his feet buried in the slime don't listen to Jasper's commands when he wills them to move. He can't get up, so he rolls onto his stomach instead, and tries pushing himself up on hands and knees. He feels the weight of water on him, pressing him to the ground, not letting him go. He needs to shake it off, he wants to be freed. He tilts his head up, looking in the direction of the surface, aiming his movements towards it.

Swimming is difficult – the water seems dense and Jasper has trouble pushing through it. When he finally reaches the thick ice cover he hits it, trying to break a path through, but his attempts appear to be too weak. He scratches the ice with his fingernails, pressing his face into it as if trying to get the last bubble of air, or the last ray of light underneath it. He starts panicking a little bit, even though he knows he can't suffocate. But he feels trapped anyway, he desperately wants to go out into the sun. Slowly, patting the ice with his hands, he starts moving underneath it in search of a thinner patch.

It takes him ages – he thinks about giving up and going back to where he was. He even can visualize his body drifting slowly to the bottom, his arms and legs dissolving finally in the water as he becomes just another part of the sea. But finally he sees it – a sunny spot where the ice is so thin it almost floats on the water. He pushes on it and the cover cracks under his weak touch. His fingers crush it like frosting on a cake and finally the hole is big enough for him to press his head and shoulders through.

He coughs and spits out the water, holding firmly to the brink of ice. He tries climbing onto the ice, but it breaks underneath his weight and each time he lands back in the water. It takes his last bits of energy to finally hook his fingers in the ice and pull himself up on it, crawling until the ice cover is thick enough to hold his body. With a shuddered breath he collapses on his back, staring straight into the bright sun above his head. Everything is white here, even the sky and the light. For a long while he just lies there, happy to be breathing the air again, to be able to see. Slowly his other senses start working and he hears the whistle of the wind and feels how cold the ice is under his fingers. He also starts to feel the pain – it grows and grows, starting within his stomach and then grasping his whole body, twisting his limbs and crushing his skull. He thinks that maybe he's dying, but then he catches some movement far away on the ice and venom flows his mouth which makes him realize it's hunger. He's never been so famished in his life. He wonders how much time he went without feeding.

He's never felt so weak in his vampire life. His limbs are almost shaking with effort when he pulls himself up, lunging for the animal, finding out it's a large polar bear. The bear puts up quite a fight – maybe because Jasper's so exhausted right now, or maybe because – just like the vampire – the bear is a warrior. There is nothing which can be compared to the feeling when Jasper finally sinks his teeth in the animal's veins. Its blood is pure and warm - it's like Jasper is sucking out the life itself. He's not sure, but he's probably emitting some very embarrassing grunts and gulps; he might have even sobbed a little. But who cares? There is no one here to hear it – just Jasper, the dying bear and all the melting ice around them.

The bear's fur is torn and bloodied, but it feels nice and warm underneath Jasper's hands. He threads his fingers in it while the warmth spreads through him, waking up his muscles, buzzing in him, making his breathing hitch. When the burning in his throat subsides, and his energy is more or less restored, he finally stands up and looks around. The ice cover here is still thick, but there's no doubt the winter's over. Jasper breaths in the fresh air, the distant smell of the woods making his chest ache for some reason. He sighs and starts walking towards it.

"***"

When he enters the cabin area he can immediately tell someone's around.

"Little tupilaq!" He hears and sees a man waving to him from the cabin's door.

Jasper smiles. "So you weren't a ghost," he says quietly, too quietly for the man to hear.

"I was wondering if you were still around!" the man exclaims, smiling. He looks so much older, like it's been ages since Jasper last saw him. His shoulders are slumped, his breathing is more shallow and he moves much, much more slowly.

"How long has it been?" Jasper asks instead of greeting the man.

"I'm not sure, what are you asking, tupilaq, but for me it's been a long winter." Mat coughs a little. "As they say – being old is no fun." He laughs and for a moment Jasper has a déjà vu feeling; it's like the time has stopped and he's forever caught up in here and now – with Mat laughing and clapping his thighs and Jasper staring at him. But then everything that has passed since the last time Jasper saw Mat catches up with Jasper and suddenly he feels like he's falling, or maybe collapsing into himself, as if some inner force is sucking him inside.

Mat must see something because he approaches Jasper, pats him on the back and says, "Come inside boy, I'll give you some coffee. You look like you need to warm up." He examines Jasper more and adds, "And clean up, too. Have you been fighting with a bear?"

Jasper opens his eyes wide, but sees Mat is only joking. So he just nods and murmurs, "Something like that, yes."

Mat is rattling around the cabin while Jasper is assessing the changes which have been made since the last time he was here. He's surprised to see that almost everything is exactly where it was before. Even his shoes are standing against the wall. He sits by the table and Mat presses a mug containing black liquid into his hands. Jasper enjoys the smell of it – it doesn't smell like something he would drink, obviously, but it's homely somehow. And he loves the feeling of hot surface on his palms when he closes his fingers around the mug.

"You never told me your name the last time you were here," Mat observes.

"It's Jasper."

"Like the stone? Cold and shiny? I guess it fits!" Mat laughs more, and Jasper looks at him surprised. And then he can't contain himself and he joins in with the laughter.

"I guess it does." He shrugs, but he's still grinning.

"Let me find you some soap and clothes, ah? Not sure about the pants, but a shirt… Yes. And socks… Here you go!" Mat is moving slowly around the cabin, completing the outfit for Jasper.

It feels nice – being cared of like this – and Jasper smiles and thanks Mat, before heading to the river to wash himself.

"***"

The summer with Mat is pretty much the same as the last time. Jasper follows Mat around, helping him with everything – from fishing to washing their clothes. They talk a little, but Mat never pushes Jasper to say more than he wants to.

In many ways it feels like purgatory for Jasper. His emotions are in a strange suspension. He's not unhappy, but he can't say he's happy either. He's waiting, although he can't say what he's waiting for. The sensation itself isn't exactly unpleasant but he doesn't feel like himself anymore. He glides over the surface of his own feelings, not getting lost in depression again, but at the same time unable to fully cherish the easy time he's having.

As the nights begin to get darker again, the shadows grow longer and Jasper starts feeling uneasy. He can't stop himself from glancing around, over his shoulder. He doesn't like to leave the safe space of the cabin after dusk.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" he asks Mat one day, instantly feeling very stupid.

"Nothing to believe in, Jasper. Ghosts just are here with us. Some people just don't look hard enough to see them," Mat says very seriously. "There are a lot of them around you, you know?" Mat adds, making Jasper shiver. "I don't think you should stay here for the winter. Ghosts are not bad creatures, but they are just like people – some of them are well-wishing while others are cruel and selfish." Then Matt repeats, "You shouldn't stay here, little tupilaq. Come back to town with me. I'm not getting any younger, all my children are too far away to help me out, and I need someone to take care of my house."

Jasper doesn't respond to that. But when the time comes and Mat's friend from the town arrives to pick him up in his big, funny looking truck, Jasper loads Mat's stuff and then climbs inside, too.

"This is, Jasper," Mat introduces him. "He's been helping me during the summer and is coming back with me. And this is Harvey."

The drive is long; the truck is jumping around and emits all kinds of cracking and screeching sounds. Mat dozes off, snoring loudly.

"What do you do, Jasper?" Harvey asks. He's been casting suspicious glances at Jasper for a long time now, scrutinizing him with his pale-blue eyes and chewing at his long mustache.

"What do you mean?" Jasper is cautious, for some reason he thinks it's important that Harvey accepts him.

"For a living. What were you doing before you came here?"

"I, uh… I used to be a soldier," Jasper answers, feeling like he should at least try to tell a bit of the truth.

"A soldier? You do stand like one." Harvey nods. "Where?"

Jasper can't answer this question honestly. There is no way he can go with the 'civil war' and he's not sure where are some fights in the world right now. So he decides to omit it with, "I'm from Texas. But I'm not doing it anymore."

"Why have you quit?"

Once again Jasper decides to go with the half-answer. "I couldn't stand killing people."

Harvey looks at him again and there's new respect in his eyes, like Jasper's passed some kind of a test. But he still looks suspiciously at Jasper's eyes, so Jasper tries to use an explanation that Edward told him would work.

"It's genetic," he says.

"Huh?" Harvey pretends he hasn't been caught staring at Jasper.

"The eye color. It's a genetic fault," Jasper explains, not so sure anymore if telling him this was such a good idea.

"Oh well, we all have some, don't we?" Harvey chuckles nervously, and then adds, more sincerely, "It's good Mat'll have someone to help him. He was sick a lot last winter. Heart problems, you know? Old is no fun."

"That's what he says," Jasper agrees.

"You know anything about construction?"

"House building?" Jasper did some in his human life, but that was so long ago he can't be sure that he remembers anything. "Not really. But I could learn. I can do anything which requires physical strength." He smiles to himself.

"Good. Come by my office then, once you're settled with Mat. I'll find you something to do."

And Jasper smiles more, because for the first time ever, someone has offered him a job.

"***"

Mat's house is small – actually it's a size of a big caravan – with two tiny bedrooms, and a living room adjoining a kitchen. But there is a good heating system, a comfortable, flowery couch and a bathroom with hot water. This is the most luxurious place Jasper's ever lived in. He wonders what a human would do after coming back home and he offers to make Mat some tea. Mat just nods absently, moving around the place and unpacking. When he's done he comes back to the kitchen to observe Jasper's doings.

Jasper is actually quite smug about what he's done. He hasn't forgotten a single thing as he pours some hot water from the kettle into the mug with tea leaves inside.

"You know, tupilaq, if you want to pass as human we need to work on the basics a little," Mat observes. "The 'genetic flaw' excuse won't explain everything." He motions to Jasper and laughs, coughing as usual.

Jasper's face fells. "What did I do wrong?"

"It's hot. You can't just grab an iron kettle like this – you need a rug or a glove."

Jasper shakes his head. "I'll never learn. I'm just not good at this." He's almost ready to give up again.

"Nah. You'll be fine." Mat pats Jasper on a shoulder. "You're more human than some humans I know. And you learn fast. Watch some TV and you'll catch up."

That is how Jasper finds out he loves TV. Mat has a satellite dish and there's always something on. And Jasper literally devours the programs – the old Friends' episodes, the Mythbusters, all the news, the TV shopping, Dr. House… He spends whole nights in front of the screen, unmoving, feeling warm and comfortable on the couch, with Mat's uneven snoring in the background.

Jasper quickly finds that living with Mat in the town is as easy as staying with him in the cabin. Mat is very self-sufficient and luckily for Jasper he doesn't lead a very sociable life. As to work… The first day is a nightmare. The only thing Jasper hears all day is 'Pass me this, will you? No, not that. I asked for a…'

At the end of the day all Jasper wants is to rip all the humans around him into little pieces and stamp his feet on their bodies until they are smashed into the ground.

However, everything gets easier day by day, and by the time Christmas comes Jasper's so good at behaving like a human he's even able to do some small errands for Mat's neighbor, Maggie, or prepare Mat's coffee and eggs for breakfast. He's surprised to find out that the simple tasks please him and calm him down. The construction work has mostly stopped for the winter, but there's always something to do around the town, or some boxes to be moved from deliveries. And Jasper must admit he likes to work his shifts, moving effortlessly and quietly while doing his chores. People here keep their distance, and don't push him to interact much. It all feels like he's blended into the surroundings, and for the first time in his vampire life Jasper doesn't see himself as a misfitting piece of a puzzle.

Still, he's sick to his stomach from anxiety when Maggie invites him and Mat for Christmas dinner. He considers running away, but has no explanation for his absence.

Mat laughs as usual, ignoring Jasper's anxiety. "Oh, come on, tupilaq. When did you last have a real Christmas dinner?"

Jasper's thoughts immediately go to the Christmas evening he spent with Edward – the smell of oranges, the way Edward lit up a bit when he saw the strange little feast Jasper had prepared, the way Edward's body radiated heat back then. He closes his eyes and wills himself to push those memories back into the abyss. Not now, he pleads. It's getting better. Not now.

He slowly follows Mat out of their place and reluctantly enters Maggie's house.

Surprisingly, it goes amazingly well. It's just like in one of Christmas movies Jasper's been watching lately. There's a table full of food, a large Christmas tree, people talking loudly all at once, and herds of kids running around. After a few hours of this gorgeous insanity Jasper escapes to a bathroom. He places his hands under the stream of cold water, willing his nerves to ease. The need to be constantly on guard wears him down, making it all feel surreal. Jasper's been doing quite well lately with keeping his dreams and reality separate, but he's not sure of anything today.

"Are you okay?" Maggie asks, standing in the bathroom doorway, and Jasper jumps, astonished, for he's not used to be sneaked up on.

"Yeah. Just a bit overwhelmed, I guess. It's been a long time since I last had a family Christmas. Thank you, Maggie." He smiles at her apologetically.

Maggie approaches him, pressing her hand to his cheek. She looks like she's just confirmed something.

"You're one of them, aren't you? The cold ones? The undead?" she asks looking straight into Jasper's eyes. Jasper doesn't answer. If he still had a heart working it would skip a beat right now.

"I'll leave now," he says quietly.

"Don't be silly!" Maggie squeezes his arm. "I'm just so glad it's not the poor quality of my cooking that's preventing you from eating. I was really worried! Come, we're about to exchange the gifts." Maggie smiles and heads out, leaving Jasper in total shock.

"I don't get you, people," he says aloud to no one, shaking his head and following Maggie to the dining room.

But once again he feels like he belongs, just a little – even after being recognized as what he is, he's still welcome here. Sure – he can feel Maggie's gaze on him, inspecting and cautious, each time he picks up one of the kids who bumps into him, but it's always followed with a smile and an encouraging nod. So Jasper laughs and plays, and for once he forgets that this is not his real life.