I seem to have a thing for updating when I'm going to pass out from lack of sleep. This fic is almost over, though, and sorry for not updating sooner (school's a bitch). Nothing belongs to meee.
Chapter Thirteen
I want so badly for it to be her who answers the door, with her smile and her familiar hugs that make me grin no matter what. Chases everything away until I leave again and it all comes back to me, but it isn't her. It never will be her because all it is is Auntie Carol with her red eyes, shaking hands and her fleeting kiss that she puts on my forehead.
A weak imitation of her, because being twins doesn't mean you're just like them.
And my auntie isn't my mum.
And my mum isn't there.
Because my mum is dead and nobody told me.
Ask Me Why
"Heey Jude," Max calls from the couch when I walk in the door. I still have all my things and drop them in the front room before going back to the room I share with Lucy. She's still at her job, which is better for me because the time change never got easier to adjust to and I'm dead on my feet.
Only I can't sleep. Everything and nothing is going on in my head, like a swarm of angry bees but at the same time, it's horribly empty and frightening. Because I can't even begin to understand what just happened. Why after I saw Auntie Carol at the door, after she gave me a kiss, I went right back on the boat and came back to the apartment, to Lucy and everyone else.
Because when my auntie told me the news I didn't want to spend another minute there. Everything made me think of her; the smell of the rain when it evaporated off the roads and sidewalks made me think of her and so did Auntie Carol standing there wringing her hands like my mum used to do when she would get really nervous.
Like when she brought home one of those men she met in a pub, the kind that would see me for the first time and then make up some excuse to leave, but this one went mad, it seemed like, and kept throwing things and screaming at both of us until she called the police.
Thinking about my mother gives me headaches, and I finally curl into a tight ball underneath the covers and go to sleep.
Lucy is next to me when I wake up, snoring slightly and with her arms wrapped around me. I feel cold even though she's next to me. Without waking her up I slip out of bed and walk into the living room where it seems like there was a party or something. It still smells like weed, that sweet smell that made me gag at first but... it was easy to get used to when enough people used it.
I find a joint, rolled but never used, on the table and I light it with ease. Maybe this will keep me awake, keep everything okay for the moment—
"Jude," her voice is quiet and she sits next to me on the couch, leaning her head tiredly against my shoulder like she used to before everything went downhill and before the concert on the roof. Before all that. "Wh," she stifles a yawn, "what're you doing up?"
Shrug. It's such a strange response if you're not a teenager but it's engraved in my brain and that's always what I give if there's not an answer in my brain already. She gives me that look; the one that says give me a real answer and I look away, let the smoke out, close my eyes.
"Judey," she coos, running her hand through my hair, her thumb along my jaw and smiles sympathetically at me. "Judey Judey Judey..." There are tears in her eyes, on her cheeks, in her hair... she's crying but she's smiling at me and it's such a beautiful picture. I arrange the drawing in my mind, save it for later. Maybe to give to her as a present; or keep it where no one else will find it.
"Me mum's dead." It's not my voice, not my eyes that fill with tears. I'm watching everything. I see Lucy move back a bit. Disgust? Fear? But she puts her arms around me again and leans in to kiss my cheek.
"I'm so sorry."
Sorry. Everything will get better soon. She wouldn't want me to live this way. I've heard it all, but she sounds sincere. I move into her touch a bit more, setting the joint down on the table and curling up on the couch.
"So thin," she murmurs as she presses her lips to my cheek again. I'm not crying, I'm just tearing up. That's all. Because my mum is dead and Lucy is sitting next to me with the moonlight in her hair and eyes, she's there, she's everywhere. "We should feed you, Jude."
I feel a smile coming on, a real one, tired and unsure, but it's real. I kiss her lightly, not wanting to get into anything incredibly heavy but still wanting her to know how much it means that she's been so patient. "I know, luv."
We sit there for a moment, her arm around me and my head on her shoulder, and then she stands up and stretches. "Bed?"
"Please."