I feel bad that it's taken so long to update.
I went to Beach City Con - had a blast but right before that my laptop died. I got a new one - thankfully I had backed up everything (including this story) before my laptop decided to die. I thought "Okay, I'll work on this on the plane."
No. Forgot how small planes are.
But now I'm back home and hopefully I'll be able to continue writing regularly. This is the last chapter I have for now but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. :)

Chapter 14 – Figuring it Out

Peridot

Dear Peridot,

I can't remember the last time I received an actual handwritten letter in the mail. It's actually kind of nice instead of junk or a bill or a ballot (half the time I don't even know what we're voting on).

Work on the book is going great – I wrote up a rough draft of what I might want to say about Jasper's death, but it doesn't feel right yet. Perhaps I'll run it by my editor and see what he thinks.

Any word yet on where you'll be going after boot camp?

I had my doctor's appointment – it's a girl. I'm not sure on a name yet. Allie suggested 'Rainbow Dash'. I told Allie I am not naming my child after a and I – and Allie too – were named after gemstones, so maybe I'll look in that direction for inspiration.

And yes, to answer your question – I'm eating whatever I want. Thankfully I have not had heartburn so I can have Mexican food whenever I want. My biggest craving has been for fruity candy. I should probably buy stock in Starburst and Hi-Chew (especially mango flavor!). Of course, Mom has been on my case about it and whenever I eat it around Allie, she begs for a piece. Like that kid needs sugar…

Can't wait until I can text you or until you have Facebook access again.

- Amethyst.

Peridot couldn't wait either. She missed the easy access of technology, but she was not even allowed a cell phone. She had been allowed a very quick call home weeks ago to say she'd arrived safely and now she could only write letters. She'd also received letters from Pearl and Lapis. Lapis had gotten a job helping teach the drama class at the kids' center, which surprised Peridot because her ex didn't seem like she had much experience with children, but it sounded like it was going well. Her leg was doing better, she walked with a cane and couldn't exercise or dance, but hopefully it would continue to improve. She had talked about possibly moving into an apartment at some point worried that she was overstaying her welcome with Pearl. Pearl, on the other hand, had stated she enjoyed Lapis' company and once she was able to break through her emotional barriers, she found Lapis to be an enjoyable person. Not much had changed in her life, though she had mentioned she was casually dating someone now, but gave no further information.

She found she liked running and her time was steadily getting better too. It allowed her a chance to clear her head, to think a little. She decided she would keep it up even when she finished with boot camp. It might be nice running down a clear street with headphones on listening to music to keep up the pace. Here, she could not use them, so the only sounds she heard now were her boots pounding against the track and the wind whistling past her ears. She was glad this was getting easier, as were pushups and sit ups, though she still didn't like those quite as much. Thankfully, unlike some of the less mature recruits, she didn't often have to do extra. It really wasn't hard – show up on time, listen to directions, don't goof off – sometimes a hard concept though for the younger crowd.

It was unlikely she'd be going back to her home state as there were a lack of naval bases there, however, after basic training, she'd be headed off to what they called 'A School' to learn more about her chosen specialty. So, for thirteen weeks, she'd be on a base only half an hour from where Pearl and Lapis were living. She wouldn't have much freedom, but after the first three weeks when she was allowed to leave the base, she could see them occasionally. Of course, after that, she could be sent anywhere in the world, or sent away on a ship for months on end. Both Amethyst and Pearl had said Peridot and Lapis should get back together, but she was hesitant to do so. Part of her still loved Lapis, despite the time apart, despite their hateful words earlier that year, Lapis was the only person she could see herself building a life with.

However, if she and Lapis did get back together and then she were gone for several months and Lapis at all felt too lonely, that could send her down a slippery slope to where she was before. Not only that, but she wouldn't make enough for them to live together unless they were married at which point, she'd get a housing allowance. Peridot wasn't quite sure she was ready for that step yet…in fact, she knew she wasn't. She had to get her own life together and follow her own path before she could see if her path and Lapis' actually crossed again.

Finally, she stopped when she'd finished her two miles, her heart pounding. She was later told she'd shed a full minute off her time from only a few days ago and after that, her nickname became 'Breeze' because the others said she ran like the wind.

Lapis

One day at a time…that's how she had to take this. On some days, it was easy. Pearl and the kids she worked with filled that lonely gap inside her. On other days, the temptation to drink away the nagging lonesomeness within her was difficult to fight. She knew she had a few things to take care of. She needed to tie up loose ends with Peridot, to decide exactly what their relationship with each other was and how to proceed into the future. She also knew a visit to her parents was long overdue. They lived near where Peridot was at basic training, so she planned to go up to attend her ex's graduation and then visit her parents to see if they still felt the same about her as they had years ago. If they did it meant she had no family. She could only hope sometime in the last few years that they'd changed their minds.

It was not her fault she couldn't be the perfect daughter they'd wanted and she ached for a family where she'd be loved and accepted for who she was, even if that family only included a wife. It wasn't as if she was a serial killer or a gangster, but her parents were very traditional and, in their eyes, being a lesbian was just as bad. She hadn't spoken to them in four years, not since they told her they'd arrange a marriage for her so she could forget about liking girls. They said they'd pay for her plane ticket so she could visit family back in India and find someone. Her mother had clicked her tongue: "Most men won't like that short hair."

"That's fine," Lapis had said. "My girlfriend likes my hair the way it is."

And maybe they could have eventually come to accept that she was a lesbian, but when they found out Peridot was white, that was the last straw. They had certain expectations and Lapis had not met them. "I was raised here," she told them. "And here it's not such a big deal."

They were quick to express that it was a big deal to them and until and unless she 'came to her senses' they never wanted to see her again. She'd ended up at Peridot's over spring break that last year of college still not believing they'd actually disowned her. Her ex's parents were much more understanding; of course, they'd accepted Peridot as she was without question. "It wasn't exactly what I was expecting but, she's my child," her ex's father had said. "How could I just turn my back on her for the way she is? Plus, now we can discuss sports together, right Peri?"

"Go team," she had said without enthusiasm. Peridot was not into sports at all.

If they had gotten married, Lapis would have been happy to talk about baseball with her father-in-law. She liked baseball, though she preferred to watch it live as opposed to on TV. She hadn't been to a game in ages. Well, now that she wouldn't be doing much acting if any at all, maybe she would get the opportunity when the season started up again.

She was just finishing up making dinner when Pearl came home. "That smells good."

Lapis managed a small smile. "Thanks."

"Bad day?"

"It's just one of those…yes. Some days are just easier than others."

Pearl pulled some plates from the cabinet. "You're doing well. Anything in particular you've been thinking about?"

Lapis had gotten to know Pearl well enough that she supposed she could bring it up. "I'm nervous about seeing my parents again. You know they don't approve of me. I feel I need closure, but I'm not sure if that's what I'll get or if it'll open up a whole can of feelings I'd hate dealing with. I'll never be what they want me to be. I mean, Peri said your parents were understanding. Most people don't find it so shocking anymore – in fact, gay marriage is legal now – but my family acted as though it was the end of the world."

"Parents always want what they think is best for us. Trust me, yes, my parents were supportive, but my mother has recently says she's worried she'll never get grandkids and my father made a comment last time I visited that he's getting older and he wants to walk at least one of us down the aisle before he goes. And in my case, it's not for lack of trying – I've dated, trust me."

"What about the guy you're seeing now?"

Pearl shrugged as she set glasses on the table. "It's just casual and I'm not sure how that'll pan out. He's fun and all, but he's in his mid-thirties and still working at a car wash. I figured I'd get someone who had a career…."

Lapis placed the plates of food down in front of where they usually sat. "I doubt I'll ever have things figured out. When do you know you're finally, you know, a fully functional adult?"

Pearl laughed. "When I figure that out myself I'll tell you. Just when I think I have my ducks in a row one of those buggers runs off and messes up the line."

"I don't even have ducks. I have squirrels and they're at a rave." They shared another laugh. "I guess when I was in college, I thought Peri and I might be married by now."

"My point is, I don't think anyone really ever has it 'figured out' much less perfect. I always thought perfect would be married at twenty-four, kids at twenty-six and by now my husband and I would be set and stable. My friends and I even talked about who would be 'most successful' which meant being married and having kids. They figured I'd be one of the first and it was always a blow to me when I'd see them – one by one – getting the happily ever after I wanted. It took me a long time to realize there is no 'happily ever after' – some of them are divorced now; one of them lost their child. Getting married is not the be all, end all. I've made peace being single and if it changes, then so be it." Pearl reached out and squeezed Lapis' shoulder. "It would make me happy to see you and my sister together, but you have to love yourself and be okay with you in case that doesn't happen. Your happiness comes from you, not anyone else."

Lapis considered this later as she got ready for bed. She looked in the mirror and tried smiling but wasn't feeling it. Had acting made her happy? It had for a while, stepping on stage and hearing that applause briefly filled the lonely voids in her, but then the applause ended. Now, she worked with the same kids every day and watching them improve in their acting, knowing she was passing down knowledge she had learned from her time on stage, that made her feel like she was really making a difference…was really doing something with her life. If she stayed in a booze-induced haze, she'd miss those moments that made her feel happy such as when a kid she'd been working with for a while finally nailed that scene they'd been practicing. How many moments – opportunities for joy – had she missed when she'd been heavily drinking? She'd like to think alcohol had no power over her, but she wasn't that far into her sobriety and knew tomorrow she could go right back to it if desperate enough. Right now though – today, in this moment – she felt stronger than that temptation and that brought a small smile to her lips.

Amethyst

She stayed a part of Allie's life, though it wasn't like it was when her niece was living with them. She still had a room there if need be, but her clothes and toys were gone.

"Well, before long, another little girl will probably be in this room," Amethyst's mother said. "Though, it might be a good idea to put the crib in your room at first so you can easily tend to the baby."

The further she got into her pregnancy, the more she worried. What if she couldn't do this? What if she was a horrible mother? What if she couldn't breastfeed adequately? What if her baby was colicky? And always in the back of her mind was the worry that she wouldn't survive the birth. She'd brought that worry up to her doctor and told her what had happened with Jasper.

"Amniotic embolism is a very rare complication – very rare," the doctor told her. "We really aren't sure what causes it, but I doubt you're at any higher risk of it than any other woman."

Otherwise, she was told what she was told every appointment: so far, her pregnancy was going great and the baby appeared normal and had expressed her desire to her mother to go to Peridot's graduation from basic training. "She's my best friend."

"No – you need rest. It's a twelve hour drive and flying is probably not a good idea either. She'll just have to come visit you when she can," her mother said.

Even Peridot agreed, writing in a letter: As soon as I'm able to drive up there with Lapis and Pearl, we'll all see you and bring gifts for the baby. Hopefully I will have some leave around Christmas. I will have them get video and pictures on their trip here if I can. One more week and the next part of my journey begins.

She was working with the publishing company in Empire City to hopefully get the book ready to hit the shelves in the beginning of the year. They called the writing 'real and thought-provoking' – they asked for her take on some of it and so she wrote small passages about what it was like on the other end – for those at home waiting. And it was like a punch to the gut as Amethyst wrote this that she was going to have to do it all over again…with Peridot. The navy, she understood, was different; depending on which ship Peridot was on, she could be gone three, six or nine months at a time, but rarely more than nine. She could also be sent far away – back to the West Coast or even to another country. However, after her experiences, she needed to do some growing and soul searching and it seemed that in her new environment, she had been able to do that, at least from what her letters said.

One of the few things that had stayed consistent in her life was Allie and she always jumped at the opportunity to take care of her like tonight when Bismuth said he was meeting some of his buddies for a poker game. "We don't actually bet money," he explained. "We play for fun."

"Yeah…sounds exciting." Amethyst wasn't sure it did; she'd never played. Well…not actual poker. She rubbed her belly realizing those wild days were clearly behind her now.

"Allie had her hair washed yesterday, so she just needs a bath. She ate, but I told her popcorn would be an okay snack for later – not too much butter, Ames, please. If she wants to watch a movie that's not on Netflix, you can order it from Amazon."

"Can I have candy too?" Allie asked.

"You may have two small pieces or one large piece of your leftover Halloween candy," Bismuth told her. "Since it's Friday you can stay up until nine."

Allie's eyes lit up. "That's so late! Wait…when are you coming home?"

"Probably about ten or so." He hugged her and kissed her cheek. "You be good for your aunt."

After he left, Amethyst looked at her niece. "Bath and then movie, or other way around?"

"Bath first. Can you wash my hair anyway? You do it better."

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. "It's hair washing…how do I do it better?"

"You have good head scratching nails. Dad doesn't."

She laughed and supposed that made sense. "Yes, I will wash your hair. I'll even braid it for you."

"Good. He doesn't know how to do that either." Allie followed her into the bathroom and began taking her bath toys out of the cabinet as her aunt turned the water on. "I tell you, Aunt Ames, I need a mom. Has he asked you yet?"

"Allie, your dad and I aren't getting married."

"Why not?"

"Because it would be weird."

"Why?"

Because he had been her sister's husband and she could never compare to Jasper. There was no way in the world Amethyst could even entertain the idea of sleeping in the same bed they'd shared or kissing him or having him hold her the way he may have held Jasper. The thought was unsettling, but how could she explain this in terms a six-year-old would understand? That's when she realized why exactly this idea creeped her out. "Because when he married my sister he became my brother. Brothers and sisters can't get married; it's against the law."

"Oh…" Allie said slowly. "Yeah, that would be weird. Do you think dad will ever get married?"

"Maybe." Amethyst tested the water to make sure it was the right temperature. "If he finds the right woman."

Allie got undressed and sank into the water. "She needs to have good nails for scratching my head and a nice voice to read stories. She should be able to bake cookies and hug me tight when I'm scared. I want her to be like you."

Amethyst rubbed shampoo between her hands and then into Allie's hair, gently scratching her scalp. "I'm sure whoever your dad chooses will be just the right person." She honestly wondered if he would though. Jasper had been the love of his life, so how could he ever love someone else the way he'd loved her? She spent extra time scratching Allie's head to her niece's delight and then let Allie handle the rest before helping her out and wrapping her in a fluffy towel. "So, what movie do you want to watch?"

"Mo-"

"No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say!"

"Yes I do. How about a different movie?"

"Wonder Woman."

"Sorry, that's not rated G."

"Fro-"

"No. And no ponies either. Come on, let's watch something you haven't seen before."

"What was Mom's favorite cartoon movie?"

She thought for a moment. Jasper hadn't been much for cartoons, at least not since Amethyst could remember, but there was one summer that came to mind when she'd been about eight and her sister was sixteen when Jasper had begrudgingly accompanied both her and Peridot to see a Disney movie. Clearly, her sister would have rather been watching a PG-13 movie, or even conning an older person into buying her a ticket for a R-rated flick, but she had agreed to watch the girls, so she'd sighed as the logo flashed on the screen and rolled her eyes clearly ready for an hour and a half of boredom. She'd made a dissatisfied 'tsk' in her throat when the main character was getting ready for an arranged marriage. "This is why I hate these movies," she whispered.

Amethyst and Peridot had both quickly shushed her and she'd mumbled something about 'the patriarchy' before she was quiet.

In the present, Amethyst reflected on this memory as she made popcorn for herself and Allie, poured them each a glass of chocolate milk and let Allie choose a piece of candy. As her niece grabbed a blanket and curled up on the couch in her pajamas, Amethyst turned on Netflix to see if they still had the movie listed and found they did. "Have you seen this one?"

Allie shook her head. "Was this Mom's favorite?"

Amethyst recalled that day in the theater looking over at her sister, who halfway through the show was leaning forward, clearly interested in what was happening and by the end, she'd had the slightest smile on her face. When their mom asked how it was, Jasper had replied: "It didn't need the romantic subplot – I mean, who goes to war and comes back with a man? But it was…okay…I guess."

Even years later, Amethyst swore she saw a couple of songs from that movie on Jasper's workout soundtrack. "She wasn't a huge fan of Disney, or animated movies in general," Amethyst explained to Allie. "She liked movies about women who were strong, independent and courageous. When she was your age, they didn't make stories like that for girls." It hadn't been enough for Jasper that Belle was book smart (the whole plot was driven by romance according to her) or that Jasmine and Pocahontas had sparks of an adventurous spirit. In fact, Jasper claimed she'd only seen Aladdin once and had hated it…Amethyst and everyone else knew not to get her started on the historical inaccuracies of Pocahontas.

However, then she'd seen Mulan and if nothing else, it had spoken to the side of her that wanted to be a soldier. It had given her hope that maybe entertainment for girls was changing…to empower them rather than tell them they needed a man to save them. Watching Allie engrossed in the movie, Amethyst knew she'd made the right decision to have her watch this and that her mother would approve. Sadly, Disney had then taken a hiatus from heroine movies and Jasper hadn't been impressed when they'd started churning them out again and they focused on princess stories. Amethyst, whose inner child secretly still liked these movies, would try and get her to watch them when she was home, but there was always a complaint. She had refused to watch Frozen by the time it came out.

Amethyst, watching her niece getting sleepy and smiling as the movie ended on a positive note, realized Jasper would have loved the hell out of Moana. Well…the first few times anyway. She'd probably get sick of it pretty quick as much as Allie watched it.

"Mulan is a badass," Allie said as her aunt tucked her in fifteen minutes after scheduled bedtime. "Pardon my…"

"Allie," Amethyst interrupted, realizing now was the time to smooth some rough edges. "Saying 'pardon my French' doesn't make that language appropriate. Don't say those words anymore."

"Why not?"

"It's not polite. Remember when you told your dad you're the 'age of a lady'. Well, ladies don't speak like that."

"Oh. Mulan was brave."

"Yes she was."

"Did my mom ever take out a whole army of soldiers?"

Amethyst shook her head. "Not exactly, but she did fight twelve terrorists once…and won." Storytime that night was a rendition of that journal entry, edited to be appropriate for a child. She stopped and smiled getting toward the end. "And in the end, your dad came in, picked up your mom and carried her to safety."

Allie yawned, almost asleep and mumbled: "Her prince came…"

"Yes, he did and he loved her very much." Amethyst kissed her niece's forehead and then turned off the light leaving her to sleep. She had just finished washing the dishes they'd used when Bismuth came home.

"How was Allie? Well-behaved?"

"Yep. How was poker?"

Bismuth shrugged. "It was alright. What did you two find to do?"

"I took Allie to a club and then got matching tattoos." She laughed when her brother-in-law looked less than amused. "We watched Mulan. Not sure it's her new favorite movie, but she enjoyed it. Hey, what was your favorite Disney movie?"

He laughed. "What? Um…Aladdin. I liked the adventure of it all."

"Jasper hated that movie."

"I think that came up in conversation." He chuckled again. "She was talking one day about how she 'seduced' Akhram and I told her all I could imagine in my mind was the scene where Jasmine had to kiss Jafar and everyone was disgusted. She laughed and said it was something like that."

Amethyst smiled. "Allie's sleeping, so I should go. Besides, I have to rest and take care of my own baby."

"Thank you for all your help, Ames."

"Of course." She passed by him and stopped briefly for a second when she smelled something familiar…light, delicate and floral. Amethyst took a deep breath through her nose before leaving the house then exhaled visibly into the cold night air. It was perfume.

Poker with the guys, my ass, she thought and then smiled. It's about time he went on a date.