Authors note: Finally some unbearable fluff to keep them going :)
The warmth and safety that I feel surrounding me makes me snuggle down, burrowing deeper into the pillow that seems to be… breathing. Eyes flying open I see Bucky and Steve on the bed with me sleeping soundly and that is when everything comes rushing back to me and I sit up gasping as the images once again assault my mind, my fingers gripping the blankets so tightly it hurts as I fight not to scream.
"Addi, sweetheart, it's okay you're safe now,"
"I can't... breathe," I gasp out my fingers still clinging to and ripping at the sheets. Suddenly a cool metal hand grabs mine forcefully and places it over a very bare male chest.
"Look at me Addi," Bucky says his other hand forcing my face to round until my eyes meet his, "feel my heartbeat baby, feel it and breathe," he says, repeating the words as my gaze lands on his chest watching it rise and fall under my fingers and finally I start gulping in air. Eventually my senses start to come back to me and as my body sags it falls back against another solid chest and Steve's arms wrap themselves firmly around my waist his fingers tracing patterns on my skin and encouraging me silently to relax as Bucky continues to hold one of my hands to his chest and the other in his gentle grip.
I open my mouth to speak but I can't, every insecurity that I had ever had, that she had pushed into my head came flying back and as much as I automatically miss their contact I pull away from them, curling in on myself, just shaking my head and closing my eyes against their hurt expressions. But they pull away, ever the gentlemen I guess, quietly slipping off of the bed and somehow knowing that I didn't want to be alone, or have them too close, which must have confused them because I know it was confusing the fuck out of me. They seem to take it in shifts to be in the room with me, Bucky more often than not while Steve was sorting out mission stuff, trying to find Ultron I guess. Every now and then Clint or Nat come to see me and even Tony has been up to sit with me but I don't talk to anyone, I can't. Bruce has checked on my injuries and the cradle has healed the major ones, I was weak but he says I should heal physically within the next few days, although that may have something to do with the blood I got from both Bucky and Steve, super soldier healing helped a lot when you'd been tortured. What he didn't say, but I knew they were all thinking is that they were worried about my mental state, hell I was worried about my mental state. I couldn't speak to anyone, I couldn't get out of my head, I couldn't trust anyone and I hated myself for it, that girl had got inside my head and destroyed everything and I didn't know how to get out of it.
I'm not sure how many days go by while we're lying low, I know that I spend all my time in bed, I sleep, I wake up screaming, Steve and Bucky comfort me, I push them away, I sit in silence trapped in my head. It's an almost comfortable pattern now, even if I do hate it.
"Right this ends now," Nat says slamming the door shut and locking us in away from both of my super soldiers which makes me panic instantly, I had never been scared of her before but right now, backed up against the wall and with her advancing on me, I'm fucking terrified. "She got in your head yes?" she asks when she is only a foot from me and I nod even as I hear the pounding on the door.
"Addi, Nat let us in," Steve's voice is forceful and slightly strained.
"No Steve, Addi and I are having a little girl time, she's fine," she calls back her eyes never leaving mine, "time to stop Addi, time to come back to us now," and I break. All it takes is those few well-placed words from a woman who I knew had been through exactly the same, worse than me, I had seen it all after all. I slide down the wall my entire body convulsing with sobs as she holds me tightly and rocks me gently.
"Addi," Bucky sounds desperate now and I am worried they would break the door down.
"No, fuck off for a bit both of you, I promise to get you when she's ready," Nat yells and after a moment the banging stops and I continue to cry.
"I… I don't know how," I stutter eventually, my voice hoarse and croaky from lack of use.
"To trust?" she guesses and I nod my head again, so thankful that she understands me, understands this.
"Them," I add and she knows what I mean and sighs a little before pulling me up and putting me to bed.
"You're a spy Addi, figure out a way to find out how they really feel," she whispers and I close my eyes as she leaves, feeling saner than I had since they pulled me out. I lie there for a long time trying to work out what to do, my breath even and balanced while Bucky sits beside me, I can tell it's him without opening my eyes, as I always can.
"How's she doing?" Steve whispers as he comes in and sits in a chair as I listen to him taking off his shoes before moving to sit on the other side of me, his fingers ghosting over the skin of my arm and I suddenly realise that maybe I could get my answers the way I had before, by pretending to be asleep and so I murmur a little and make a show of stretching a bit, feeling both men freeze, before I settle down and even out my breathing again.
"She seems to be sleeping better than she has since we found her," Bucky whispers back and I give myself a tiny internal high five that I had convinced them.
"Buck… what if we never get her back?" Steve asks and he sounds so broken it makes my insides ache.
"Don't say it Stevie, we will get her back, we won't give up on her not ever, just like she never gave up on us," Bucky replies.
"I love her Bucky and I never told her, I was too blind to see until it was…"
"It's not too late Stevie, you'll tell, her when she's ready to hear it and so will I," Bucky interrupts and my heart is beating so rapidly that I almost forget to breathe for a second.
"When we were talking before and we said that we would both be with her, both love her all together, what if she doesn't want that, what is doesn't want either of us?" Steve's naivety and fear is audible and it takes all I have not to roll over and pull him to me. How could I ever have doubted these men; I should never have let her make me doubt them. They had never once lied to me or let me down, sure they had broken my heart a bit but that hadn't been intentional, they clearly regretted it too.
"It would be no less than we deserve for the way we've treated her but we fight for her and if she still doesn't want us then we give her our blessing and we act as two best friends would because if we love her enough then we'll let her go and be happy with someone else," Bucky answers but he sounds as if he may be sick saying it, I can almost hear his jaw clenching and my own stomach roils at the idea of being away from either of them, ever again, which is another problem, for another time.
When I wake from the nightmares this time it's different. The images are the same, the pain is the same and they comfort me in the same way but I don't push them away this time. Instead I hold them closer to me.
"Please don't leave me," I whimper into Bucky's chest as I pull him forcefully towards where I am cradled against Steve, a solid wall of muscle at my back.
"Never Addi," he whispers back to me sounding startled that I had spoken for the first time in over a week.
"I love you," I say now sucking in a breath as I say it for the first time and he pulls me out of Steve's arms and fully into his own as he crushes me to him repeatedly kissing my head and neck as I try to calm my heart which feels like it may explode.
"Even after everything you've been through you're still braver than either of us babydoll," he whispers and I offer a watery giggle and the way his face lights up at the sound makes me feel like I have had a weight lifted from my shoulders, "I love you too Addi," he says now kissing me suddenly and taking my breath away until I feel Steve step off the bed and I panic completely thinking that he had changed his mind and so I pull away from Bucky, realising too late that no matter what had happened to Bucky he would always be the more confident one.
"Stevie, no please, oh God please don't leave," I almost yell launching myself at him and glad that his super soldier reflexes allow him to catch me as I wrap myself around him, "I love you Steve, so much, please, please," I whisper and I actually feel like I may throw up now my heart is pounding so hard against my ribcage. For a long time, he says nothing his head buried in the crook of my neck, his arms wrapped almost painfully tight around me.
"I love you too sweetheart," he whispers into my ear so quietly I almost don't hear him,
"Really?" I ask breathlessly as I pull away to stare him in the eye and his face breaks into a smile that is happier than I have seen him look since that night we had shared everything with one another all those months ago.
"More than you could ever know," he replies before leaning forward and kissing me softly, a kiss that is full of love and longing that it nearly makes me pass out. Fuck I was in trouble with these two if this is how a kiss could make me feel.
"Come on baby girl time to sleep," Bucky says gently from the bed and I can see him share a grin of contentment with Steve as he carries me back to the bed and settles me between them, and I feel like I have finally found my way home.