Just as a heads up, this chapter will touch on some heavy stuff.

Like, suicide attempt, drug use and rape.

It's not going to be anything descriptive, but if this bothers you, perhaps skip this chapter

Also, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter... I feel like Thane perhaps is a bit out of character

Pour your heart out

Shepard had, for as long as she could remember, put up shields around herself. She'd hide her innermost feelings to everyone, including those closest to her. Sometimes, she'd let someone peek inside those shields, to see who she really was. It was normally on accident. Like, when she was really drunk. She had been doing it for so long that it wasn't a conscious effort anymore. It just happened.

Thane was the same way, she knew that. He knew more about her than anyone else and she suspected she knew more about him than anyone alive. But despite this, they still had their metaphorical shields raised, even around each other. It wasn't a habit that could be broken easily. It would take work to get them to lower them, to let the other truly see what was inside.

It wasn't something Shepard worried about. Either it happened or it didn't. To her, it didn't really matter. She trusted Thane to be honest with her and she would be honest with him. If neither of them gave the other a clear view of whatever was going on in their heads, so be it.

That was why it she was so shocked to come out of her shower, dressed in nothing but pyjamas, to see Thane pace up and down in her quarters. His lips were pressed together, his hands were clasped to fists at his sides and he kept blinking, as to keep himself from crying. When she came into the room, he didn't look up. He didn't even acknowledged that she was there. It was rare that he was still emotional.

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked, her voice thick with worry.

"This." Thane gestured between them without looking up.

Ice filled her stomach. What was he talking about? Was he breaking up with her? What the hell was going on?

"What do you mean?" Her voice was harder than she had intended it to be.

"This..." His nostrils flared as he tried to find the right words. "This isn't right, siha. It isn't right of me. To initiate this while being on death's doorstep... I thought I had changed, that I had grown, matured. However, it turns out I'm still the useless creature who got his wife killed. Her death is on my hands. Blood I can't wash off. And now, now I'm forcing you to witness my slow decay which had already started before I met you. Losing my Irikah broke me. Now, I am forcing you to go through the same pain. I am selfish, siha. Selfish and cruel."

The ice melted in Shepard's stomach and her heart clenched as he watched him ramble. Tears had now started running freely down his cheeks and it reminded her for the first night they had been intimate. It was the first time she had seen under his shields, seen him lose the control he was so proud of. Now, once more, suppressed feelings were bubbling to the surface and being released in an explosion.

"You have seen too much pain in your life, siha. Experienced too much pain. You deserve someone who can care for that, who can tend to your wounds, not rip open new ones."

Shepard stepped up to him, touching his arm. She hated seeing him in pain. His smile was one of the most beautiful things in the world, she'd give everything to see a smile instead of the pain on his face now.

"Stop." She said softly.

"Neither of us expected to live past the collector base." He continued, as if he hadn't heard her. "Perhaps it would have been better to go down in that horrid. To not experience the slow death of Kepral's and not force you to stay with me out of pity."

He spat out the last word as if it tasted bad in his mouth. Shepard blinked and took a step back. Was that what he thought? That she had told him she loved him out of pity?

"Now, hold on just a minute." Shepard said, her voice sharp. "Where did all of this come from? What have I done to deserve this? Do you honestly think I'd stay with you out of pity? Don't you think I have the balls to break it off with you if I didn't want to be with you out of love? I told you I love you and I fucking mean it."

Before he could respond, Shepard pulled him into a hug and held him close, caressing the ridge on his head and his neck. He hugged her back, his body shaking of silent sobs in her arms. Neither of them spoke for a long time, they just stood there until Thane started to calm down, his body stopped shaking and he seemed to relax a bit. He pulled away from her and looked down, avoiding her eyes.

"Hey." She placed her hands on his cheeks and lifted his face. She wiped away some tears. "I think we need to talk for a bit, okay?"

He just nodded silently and followed her down the small stairs. They sat down in the sofa, Thane still not looking at her. A silent sniffle came from him and Shepard reached over to wipe a few remaining tears from his cheeks.

"Okay. Where did all of this come from?"

"I've been... Thinking."

"Well, yeah, I suspected as much."

"When Irikah died, a part of me died with her. It awoke other parts of me. I... I did things I never thought I'd do. I abandoned my responsibility as a father and I hunted sapient beings, tortured them for my own selfish revenge. My training didn't teach me this. It was a part of me, a beast, hidden deep and was exposed when Irikah died."

"Thane..." Shepard took one of his hands in hers. "Everyone's capable of horrible things. Under the wrong circumstances, everyone can turn into a beast. I've seen honourable people do horrible, horrible things."

Thane leaned his head in his free hand. For a moment, he closed his eyes and let out a low sigh. Shepard wondered how long he had been carrying this around. Just a few days ago, he had seemed so happy. Had it all been an illusion?

"I made a promise to myself and the gods that I would never allow myself to fall for someone again, never allow myself to experience the sweet embrace of love. I was not worthy. Yet, here I sit, with my hand being held by a woman. A woman who loves me." His eyes were sad as he looked up at her. "I love you, siha. Just saying those words make bile rise in my throat. By saying that, I broke the promise to me and to the gods. I promised to never let anyone else be hurt in the foolish name of love."

"Have you considered that a relationship is a two-part thing?" Shepard said with a raised eyebrow. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you. And I know that some day, Kepral's will take you from me. When it does, I'm going to sit next to you and hold your hand, telling you I love you until you can't hear me anymore. I'm not with you because I pity you. I'm with you because I love you. If you don't think you deserve this, so be it. But I think you do and nothing you say can change that."

"Such sweet things you say." He whispered.

"My friend, Liara, told me something the last time I met her. That it's not about how much time you have together, it's about what you do with it."

He leaned back in the sofa and seemed to consider this for a moment. His face was turned towards the fish tank and his hand squeezed hers lightly.

"I suppose you are correct." He eventually said and looked back over at her. "I apologise for this, siha. It was foolish of me to act this way."

As Thane made a move to get out of the sofa, Shepard took a sturdy grip of his hand and kept him in place. No, he wasn't getting away that easy. He had just had a break down in front of her and she sure as hell wasn't going to let him go back to LS to continue this line of thought.

"No, it wasn't. You have to let me in, Thane. You don't have to carry everything alone. I want to help you."

At this, Thane quirked an eyebrow.

"Isn't that a tad hypocritical?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me, siha... How many people have you let in? How many know your darkest fears or your most sacred secrets?" His eyes seemed to stare directly into her soul. "You say I know you best, yet there's little I know about you."

Okay, Shepard could see where he was coming from. It was hypocritical of her to ask him to let her in, while she kept him at a distance. Especially since she had told him just a few moments ago that it took two to form a relationship.

"Okay, I understand what you mean." She sighed. "Forget I said anything."

"What are you hiding from me? What is there beneath your armour that no one is allowed to see?"

Shepard stiffened at the question and bit her jaws together. No one had asked her anything like that outright. Anderson had tried a few times, but had never gotten anything out of her. Tali and Garrus had tried as well, but she had shut them down as well.

"I don't want to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see."

"You'll have to explain that idiom to me."

"Ah, sorry. I just don't want to tell people about shit that has happened in the past. It's not something people need to know about."

"Our past shapes us. Like the sharp corners of a rock being smoothed down by waves."

"Yeah, yeah." Shepard said and tried to pull her hand from his. However, this time he was the one who stopped her.

"Let me in, siha."

How the tables had turned. Shepard didn't like it. She was so used to being on the other side of the conversation. The one who asked the questions, the one who asked to be let in. It was actually quite intimidating.

"Why?" She requested to know.

"I want to help you."

He was just echoing her words from earlier, and Shepard found herself getting increasingly annoyed. She wasn't someone who got angry. It was a long time since she got thoroughly angry at someone.

"That's a stupid reason."

"I wish to help you heal as much as I can before I have to go to the sea. Perhaps you'll have fewer wounds to deal with when I depart."

"Can you just stop?" Shepard forcefully pulled her hand from Thane's. "Stop with this fucking going to the sea and how you wish to help me. I'm thirty years old and I've managed this long on my own. I don't need help. And even if I did, prodding around in my past won't do anything to help. Just... you have enough to deal with. What has happened has happened."

"I do not wish to make you upset." His voice was soft and so was his face. "The choice whether to let me in or not is yours. However, I request that you do not ask something of me that you cannot return."

After those words, Shepard was fighting an internal battle with herself about whether to open up to him or not. No one knew what had happened to her on the streets. No one knew what she about all the unspeakable things she'd done to get drugs, no one knew how the others treated her, no one knew about the scars it had left, both the mental and the physical. Hiding her face in her hands, she sighed.

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you wish to tell me."

That was all it took. It was like someone had opened the flood gates. Shepard's voice was level and calm all the while she spoke. She told Thane about the times she had overdosed on purpose, how angry she had been whenever she woke up in the hospital or in some alley covered in her own vomit. She told him about the foster families she'd been sent to after the suicide attempts and about how she ran away from all of them, seeing herself as unworthy of a proper life. She told him about the nights she went to sleep famished and shivering with nothing but a stolen blanket to cover her thin body.

She told him about how the older guys in the gang used her, how she let them since they promised her drugs, food or similar things. Everything just poured out. And she told him about how it felt to wake up after two years of being dead. She told him about Kaiden, about how crushed she had been after returning from Horizon. Everything that had happened to her, good and bad, came out into to light. She spoke more than she ever had.

Eventually, after what felt like several hours, she sagged down in the sofa. She felt completely drained. Thane just looked at her, like he had done throughout her stories. He was once more holding her hands in both of his. Butterflies filled her stomach. How was he going to react?

"I can understand why you haven't shared this with anyone, siha. Thank you for trusting me." He simply said. "But you are correct. What has happened has happened. Though the events of yesterday shapes who you are today, you have not allowed them control you or break you. I find this admirable."

"It felt good to talk about." Shepard said, her voice tired.

She leaned against his shoulder and sighed deeply.

"Will you stay with me tonight, Thane?" She whispered.

"I will stay with you as long as you wish me to."