A/N: I know, I know. It took me two weeks to update, I'm sorry. I worked around the clock these past two weeks, I didn't have time to sleep, let alone write. I want to promise I'll do better but my work has a way of surprising me and changing all of my plans. I fast-forwarded this fic a little (in a month, not a year, I accidentally wrote 2015 before, sorry about that). I am planning to wrap this one up soon I suppose. Wanted to say thank you for all 102 comments for this fic. You make me smile, you make my day. Please keep the comments coming! Happy New Year everyone!
Dr. Sherman's office, February 8th, 2016, 18:00
"You seem relaxed" Dr. Sherman said as Elizabeth settled on the couch.
"Yes. It was a good week".
"What about the nightmares?"
"I woke up with nightmares only three times this week. And only once per night" Elizabeth said.
"That's progress. Last week you mentioned nightmares every night. I'm glad it's subsiding. I also notice you appear less on the news, I'm guessing it also helps?"
"Yes, it's been a quiet week" Elizabeth said, smiling lightly.
"I'm sensing that in spite of all these things, something still bothers you very much".
Elizabeth chuckled. She wondered when she became so obvious, so easy to read.
"Is it Henry?" Dr. Sherman asked when Elizabeth didn't say a word.
"Yes" Elizabeth answered.
"Okay. I've been waiting for things to calm down a little before we start working on this, and I think now is a good time". When Elizabeth nodded she continued "This is a lot of work, and it's going to take time. Sometimes you'll move forward, other times you'll go backwards. It's part of the process, it's part of everything you went through. And it's okay. You've been through a lot, and you have to accept that things will not return to the way they were before. And that's okay too. That being said, you are going to get back to a point where you are able to be around him, to feel comfortable with him. And you are going to have sex again. I know right now it feels like it's never going to happen, and you can't even think about it, but I must say it. I hear too many people saying that a woman who went through a sexual assault will never have sex again, or judge and ask 'how could she'. Sex and sexual assault are two completely different things, and the fact that you went through a sexual assault doesn't mean you stopped living. We love and enjoy sex, when we agree to having it, when the things we do with are partner are mutually consented, when we communicate, when we love. It's okay to want sex again in your life. It's okay to settle back into old habits that make you feel good. You got to survive the attack, it doesn't mean you should live like a survivor. You get to choose what you do, how you do it and when. And whatever you choose is alright".
Elizabeth nodded. Truth be told, it seemed too far away to even think about it right now. She couldn't even let him hug her. But she was determined to get there. "Tell me what I need to do. I need my husband back. And he needs me".
"We're going to work on communicating your intimate relationship with him. This is going to be a lot like getting to know each other again. You do things now that come easily to you because you've been together long enough, but it wasn't like that from day one. You talked to each other, let each other know what makes you feel good, what's okay and in time you learned, and it became part of your life. This is going to be the same. It might feel frustrating sometimes, because you've been together for so long, but eventually you'll get to a point where it comes naturally. So the first thing I want you to do is think of one thing you think you can manage doing with him. It can be anything – whatever feels right for you. I want just one thing, we're going to do this slowly".
"Vladimir never kissed me" Elizabeth said after a few moments of silence.
"Do you think you can handle kissing Henry?"
"I have to try" Elizabeth said, her voice breaking. She was desperate to get something back.
"Okay. So I want you to do this, kiss him. And afterwards tell him how you felt. Tell him how he can kiss you too – when, where. Let him know, talk to him. Remember – in order for this to work, you need to communicate".
McCord Residence, February 9th, 2016, 07:02
Henry was at the bathroom brushing his teeth when he noticed she was standing at the doorway, staring at him.
"Need the bathroom babe? I'm almost done" he said.
"No" she said. She took a few steps forward, moving to stand closer to him. She tossed and turned all night, determined to open their morning with a kiss. She had to at least try. He raised his brow as she stood so close to him, a questioning look on his face. On tiptoes, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his gently, tasting his toothpaste. He closed his eyes, the feeling of her lips against his was almost too much. He thought he was dreaming; he thought he would never get to feel this again, to kiss her again. It felt like their first kiss; back when they were in college. Back then, he was shy and cautious. He didn't want her to run, he didn't want to make her feel like he's pushing her into anything. He was, after all, much older than she was. But when their lips met it felt like they have been kissing for an eternity. After being with her for so long, he was surprised to know it was still possible – to be taken aback by surprise by the familiarity of her kiss, along with the feeling of kissing her for the very first time.
When she backed away, he opened his eyes to look at her. She hasn't moved, still standing close to him. She smiled; it was everything she imagined it would be, everything she hoped it would be.
"Elizabeth… I…" he started. He was fighting the urge to pull her to him and kiss her hungrily. He missed her too much.
"I'm okay Henry. It was good" she said, smiling. "You can kiss me too. No hands, it's too much, but you can kiss me the way you always did. Just… Just tell me before you do".
"Can I kiss you now?" he asked.
She nodded, smiling. It was weird and awkward. He hadn't asked her if he can kiss her in such a long time. It was part of their day and she always welcomed his kisses, enjoying them. Now he had to ask for permission, as it they just met, as if they haven't been kissing for over 25 years now. It was just another example as to how different her life were, how different she was.
He leaned to her, brushing her lips lightly before deepening their kiss. With lips open, he kissed her gently, sucking her bottom lip, his tongue daring to enter her mouth. She moved her hand on his chest, wrapping it around his neck, pulling him closer. His hands didn't move. He wanted so badly to pull her to his embrace, to hold her tight, but she asked him not to and he wasn't going to risk losing what they already achieved. Kissing her right now was a lot more than he thought he was ever going to get.
Breaking their kiss, he rested his forehead against hers. "God, how much I love you" he whispered. He opened his eyes to see the tears streaming down her cheeks, and immediately took a step back.
"No Henry" she said, taking his hand in hers. "I'm okay. I just missed feeling that way".
"Promise me you'll tell me if it's too much?"
"I promise. I love you".
State Department, February 12th, 2016, 10:34
"Madam Secretary" Daisy called as the staff rolled into her office, looks of concern covering their faces.
Looking up from the papers in front of her, she noticed Daisy was holding her black tablet, desperately trying to find the right thing to say to describe the next catastrophe that was now taking place. "You need to see this" Daisy said, handing her the tablet.
"Troubles in Paradise?" the headline read. "Is Dr. Henry McCord taking advantage of the recent events to start an affair? Dr. McCord was spotted leaving this woman's house late at night and sources confirm they have been seen together on other occasions as well".
A photo of Henry leaving Jane's house showed up next.
"With everything she has been through, it's not a surprise he would look for comfort at the arms of another woman" a close source tells us. "They have been distant ever since she returned, and I believe they're on the verge of breaking up".
Next was a photo of them kissing in Railway Park, a broken sign splitting the picture into half. "Once lovers" said the title.
"This political couple used to show affection in public every chance they had. They looked in love and they were going strong. But recently, it's rare to spot them together, let alone catch them in any intimate moment. This, along with the unexplained time Dr. McCord spends with this mystery woman, can definitely point to an affair.
The state Department had yet to release a statement, but it seems like Elizabeth McCord's life is falling apart piece by piece. How long will she continue her role as Secretary of State, before she realizes the toll is too high?"
Throwing her glasses on the desk, she handed the tablet back to Daisy and sighed. She was just so tired of being the center of every news cycle, of people constantly trying to undermine her, to show that she's weak, to destroy her. She's been through so much, she just wished to be left alone so she could pick up the pieces of her shattered world.
"Elizabeth!" Henry called as he ran into the office. "This isn't true".
She met his eyes and nodded. "Can you give us a minute please?" she said to her staff. Nodding, they all left the room quietly. Daisy had so much to say – they had to release a statement, they had to deny it, they had to show the world they're still running strong. But Blake took her hand and pulled her outside.
"They need to talk, and it's more important than any statement" he said to her.
"I know, I just can't stand the way they tarnish her like that. I want her to allow me to act. And the sooner the better".
In her office, she stood and walked over to him, standing close. She took his hand in hers, holding it tight. "Baby… I'm not having an affair, I will never do that" he said.
"I know" she said, smiling.
"Elizabeth you are everything to me. I will never find that with anyone else. And I will never take advantage of what happened to do something like that. I need you to know that. I need you to know that I will wait for you, until you get better, no matter when. I will never stop loving you, you have to believe that".
"Henry" she said, resting her hand on his chest, soothing him. "Stop. I know. I didn't believe it for one second. I don't care what they say, I know the truth".
"Why are you crying then?" he asked as tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Because I hate that this is happening; I just wish they'd leave me alone. This is our private life and I hate that I have to give away explanations to our private life. And also because I hate that you have to pay this price too; that you had to run in here to tell me that it's not true. I hate that they made you feel like I could actually believe anything they said. And mostly, I hate that I'm not sure if I'll ever get better and I'm just afraid someday you'll get tired of waiting. I'm afraid one day you'll wake up and realize you're unhappy". She wiped her tears, swallowing hard. She didn't want to cry, she didn't want this to be any worse than it already was. It's not that she believed that article, but one thing was true – they have been distant, and it was her making. And the main problem was she couldn't promise him or herself that one day things will change, that they will get them back. She couldn't promise him any future of any kind.
"Baby, no. Please, don't go there. I meant it when I said we're in this together. I'm never going to get tired of you, and I will wait until the end of time if I have to. You make me happy every morning when I wake up to see you smile and every night when you close your eyes and fall asleep next to me in bed. Everything else is a bonus, as long as you love me and you're mine. I don't need anything else. Don't let this pressure you into anything, please. You're doing great, and we're taking it one day at a time, and you don't owe them any explanation. I'm here because I love you, and nothing will ever change that".
She nodded and he smiled softly at her. "She's my handler with the DIA by the way" he said.
She chuckled. This was just another reason why she loved him so much – in spite of everything, he still felt the need to make sure she knew everything, that no secret was kept from her. His ethics were something he truly believed in. "Why are all your handlers cute?" she asked.
"I honestly have no control over that" he laughed. "But no one is as cute and as beautiful as you are, darling".
She blushed at his words and turned her look away, avoiding his eyes. "Babe" he said, gently nudging her chin so she would look at him. His touch was soft, his fingers barely grazing her skin. Still, she had to close her eyes and breathe. He moved his hand quickly, realizing what he had done. But she opened her eyes and leaned closer to him, rubbing her nose against his. "Kiss me" she whispered.
McCord Residence, February 12th, 2016, 21:07
"Mom?" Jason called as he walked into the living room to find her staring at the TV. She turned it off when she realized each channel was replaying the article about how her husband was cheating on her. Daisy wanted to release a statement, but Elizabeth didn't feel like explaining to anyone anything. The problem was, speculations went on and on, and if she wasn't going to put an end to it, they'd never stop.
"Hi Jace" she said, smiling at him.
"Where is dad?" he asked.
"He just called. He's on his way home and he's bringing food with him" she said, grinning. Her smiled fade just as quick when she realized Jason was buying the affair story, that he really thought his father was meeting his mystery woman, all the while he was telling Elizabeth lies that she bought. "Jace, it isn't true" she said.
"Mom, how can you be so sure? I've seen the pictures, and they are right – dad is out late, he comes home in the middle of the night sometimes. And he always has some weird excuse about being at work. He's a professor! He never stayed this late when he was at Georgetown".
"Your father once quoted Augustine, saying 'Truth is like a lion; you don't need to defend it. Let it loose and it will defend itself'. We know the truth, and you do too. Don't get sucked into cheap gossip, follow what you know is true. And you know we love each other very much, even though things are hard since I came back".
"Do you think things will ever be the same again?" he asked, sinking to the couch next to her.
She took his hand in hers and sighed. "I honestly don't know" she said.
McCord Residence, February 13th, 2016, 09:13
She opened her eyes when she felt his hand searching for hers. She moved closer to him in bed and he leaned forward. "May I?" he whispered on her lips. When she nodded he kissed her, his lips moving against hers, sucking her. His tongue entered her mouth, playing with hers. His hand tightened the grip of her hand.
They stayed in bed for hours, kissing each other. It was snowing, quietly piling at their window. He pulled the covers on top of them, making sure she was warm. The house was quiet; the kids gave them all the privacy they needed. They still had to decide what to do, but right now they wanted to spend every moment they could enjoying each other's company. The rest of the world didn't matter anymore.