The rain seemed to calm down, but it was hard to tell, as the massive branches of old trees that surrounded the road from both sides covered the sky. To the hooded figure, the end of the trees looked like hands with long disfigured fingers waving at her as the wind blew through them. It was silent, save for the rustling of the leaves and the sound of her own footsteps echoing through the forest as they landed on the hard surface of the road. There were little to none traffic in this parts, for which she was grateful, any living being was not welcome in her presence. She looked behind her now and then just to make sure no one is following.
For how long did she walked, she wasn't sure. It still felt like she was in a dream as her mind tried to deflect the ghosts rushing from the shadowy parts of her subconscious.
Even the moon hid behind the clouds, so it was still very dark, but she walked this route so many times before she could find her sanctuary blindfolded. As she reached the small dirt path on the right side she knew she was near. A few more minutes of walking and the smell of the lake hit her face, and with it, she could see the black outline of the shack. If she had the energy, she would run towards it, thirsty for the safety it offers.
Reaching the door, she realized that in all that hurry to escape the house she forgot to take the key of the shack. In frustration, she kicked the door just below the deadbolt, and it fell down with a thud. The door was old, and rotten in places; it's no wonder a slight kick with a leg is all that is needed to open it. She went inside and grabbed the door by the edges and pushed it back on the doorway. She didn't spend a lot of time to position it properly, it was enough it covered the entrance. She will repair it one day if she finds the will and time.
The light of her omni-tool illuminated the small space of the shack. Table on the left, with chairs opposite from each other, and on the right, on a wall was a small shelf and on it, a metal box. Everything was in its place. She relaxed a little, in back of her mind there was always a worry that someone would break in and took the box thinking something of value might be in it. In a way, it is valuable, in fact so much that no amount of credit would make her sell it. She knew it was stupid to worry about something like that, but she couldn't help herself. She took the box and opened it. In it, was a candle and a photo. As if she was performing some kind of ritual, she put the candle in the middle of the table, lighted it and the little fire gave light to the tight space inside. If someone saw her now, they would probably think she finally lost her mind.
And maybe she did. Not like she cared.
Sitting down on the chair beside the table, she held the photo in her hand, looking at it from time to time. As she sat there, she watched as the shadows of the tiny flame danced across the wall. At times she imagined there were faces in the dark, some familiar some not so. It didn't matter. She was not afraid of the shadows. He was with her.
But the voice from her dream hunted her for the rest of the night. Not taunting, not accusing, just merely asking over and over again,
"What makes you so special?"
Shepard wished she knew the answer.
She wasn't sure if she fell asleep at one point, the morning came so fast. Emerging from the shack, she stretched and looked at the calm surface of the lake. The sunlight the water reflected blinded her; a consequence of spending the last few hours by the small candle. Birds sang and chirped their morning song above her, and somewhere in the distance, a woodpecker drummed against the tree. The smell of wet soil only evidence of last night's storm. Everything is coming back to its usual routine.
Shepard wished she could stay here forever.
And now as she was standing out of her safe space, she looked at the photo in her hand, and the man occupying it. It was developed the old-fashioned way, wrinkles cracking the surface made it fade slowly as time passed. Just like memories, no matter how much you try to hold onto them, to keep them together, they disintegrate and are out of reach. Forever.
"I wish you were here," she said to the silent figure. He didn't answer. It was an ugly nightmare, one of the worst she ever had. But at least she got to hear his voice. A voice of a man she loves.
Used to love, she corrected herself. You can't love a dead man.
Folding the photo, she put it in her pocket and walked back to the main road.
The table was occupied by the shadows, still not conquered by the sunlight. A datapad and a cup of a long-forgotten tea only company to the alien sitting at the head of the table, starring on small drawing on the wall. The art undoubtedly belonging to either Mike or Addison. A little house and unfinished tree to the right of it. It made her smile when she first noticed it, but it was so much a weak attempt to brighten herself as she remembered Shepard was not there to tell her the story behind the drawing. And why she didn't paint it over. She blinked for a few times regaining her thoughts.
Where are you, Shepard?
Standing up, she walked towards the living room, leaving her datapad and the tea behind. She sat down in the armchair, the one Shepard herself occupied when they promised each other, no more secrets and no more apologizing. That they will be friends again. When Shepard said she trusted her. But to Liara, once a sign of hope, now they were empty words spoken by someone who doesn't even trust herself.
Trust.
That silly, small word that made everything about their relationship complicated. She would like to believe they trusted each other, even if Shepard's trust was coming sometimes and partly. There is not much to guess why Shepard is like that. Fate did not smile when she was born. It must have been torture; losing a family is a traumatic experience, even more so for a child, and few manage to recover. Yet Shepard did. And she was able to deal with whatever came her way on her feet, finding meaning in the role of a guardian, protecting the families so much like the one she lost. A symbol of hope and resistance, even in the darkest of times.
Then, when the prospect of having a family, her own, shown, that was taken from her as well, leaving her as a single parent. Forced to stay still when everything inside her screamed to run away. Liara rested her head in her hand and closed her eyes. She grieved for Shepard that once was, and what she could have become but was not given a chance.
Doubt started to grow inside Liara's mind. Once, she believed she could help her by being her friend, listening to her, but it was not enough. Nothing she ever does will be enough to reach Shepard. She would cry if she could. She knew Shepard will return soon. And the conversation that will follow, will be a turning point in their relationship. Despite the growing doubt, she will not give up without a fight. Because this isn't about her anymore, about the feelings she may have, it's about a woman who needs to be pulled from the dark space she is so long confined to, before it swallows her whole.
"You can stop here," Shepard said, and the AI controlled cab stopped.
"Thank you and have a nice day," the robotic voice echoed, and closing the door it raced towards its next destination.
"I'm sure I will," Shepard said, to the cloud of dust the skycar left behind. She told the AI to stop about half a mile before her house. Time spent in the car didn't help Shepard's mind to settle down, so she will try to buy some time walking the rest of the way. Maybe the fresh air will help her grey cells to come up with a plan on how to approach Liara, and what to tell her. How to tell her.
She knows she can't act if nothing happened, and part of her wished Liara would react as she did the other day, when she tried to explain what occurred in the museum. When Liara did not ask unnecessary questions. When she just let it go, as Shepard herself did. If only Liara packed and left, so she doesn't have to deal with her. She needs to be alone.
With each step she came closer to her house, dread filled her, and droplets of cold sweat started to form on her forehead. She can imagine what Liara's face would look like when she enters the house; full of pity. Feeling nauseous she stopped and took a deep breath.
Groaning she said, "This is a fucking joke."
She hated this. Being an addict on what Liara thinks of her. She never cared about opinions of others, but Liara always found a way to make her consider things about herself. Sometimes, a slight touch on her shoulder or a simple look she got across the room, was all that was needed. It would be far stretched to say that Liara controlled her; Shepard was a soldier first and beneath that a very stubborn woman, but from time to time, it made her took a step back and think about herself or the decision she made. Why did this asari have such an impact on her, she didn't know. But it was quickly going from slightly annoying to full-blown hatred towards her friend. She hates feeling this way. She hates how Liara makes her feel. She hates being weak. Even the word itself makes her sick.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she noticed a car, coming from opposite direction. It stopped just a few feet before the driveway of her house. Three males jumped out of a vehicle, leaving only the driver inside. A turian, batarian and a young human. Turian went to the back of the car to reach something from the trunk while the rest of them stood by the car talking. Shepard, not having a good feeling hurried towards them. She could swear they panicked as they noticed her, and batarian said something to the turian behind the car. The door on the driver's side slightly opened but the human shook his head at the driver so he softly closed the door. Three of them stood in front of the car, waiting for Shepard to arrive.
"Is there a problem guys?" Shepard asked, her voice not having a trace of warmth in it.
They were silent for a moment, looking at each other. Something was very suspicious about them. They were nervous and Shepard did not miss a subtle movement of the turian who reached behind his back, but the batarian stopped him midway, grabbing him by his coat.
Will they attack me?
Shepard's training kicked in, preparing to counter whatever they plan to do.
The best course of action is to be aggressive. There is a small rock on my left. Can use it as a weapon if I hit the ground.
The biggest threat is the turian. Human is young and in all probability inexperienced. Batarian is slightly detached from them. He could flank me if I am not careful.
If I concentrate, I could knock the turian with my biotics. After that hit the human in the throat and then charge the batarian. It's risky using my biotics but it's my best bet. Especially if they have weapons on them-
Shepard tensed as the human, who was in the middle, stepped out. He must be the leader of this group.
Good, come closer...
A rush of adrenalin went through her body, heart pumping the blood faster and faster as the anticipation grew, giving her energy.
Just one step more-
"Hi," he greeted cheerfully and offered his hand, which confused Shepard. "We are a bit lost-"
"Lost?" Shepard interrupted, crossing her arms.
"Yep," he retreated his hand somewhat awkwardly. "This is our first time visiting Earth, and well, our whole autopilot system broke down, so we have no idea where we are."
"You are 30 miles from the city. Just from where you came from."
"Oh we must have miss-" the human started but stopped as Shepard took a step forward, invading his personal space, her jaw clenching.
"I doubt that. And I don't care what is your business here, but if I see you again, I will kill you," Shepard said with her voice dangerously low.
"Now go, before I call the cops," she finished and turned away, walking towards the house. She didn't need to look back to make sure they got the message. The sound of engine starting was confirmation enough.
The encounter did not help her ease the tension inside her. If anything she felt more agitated as the adrenaline was still rushing through her body. So she took a deep breath before she entered the house. If she looks rational and calm, maybe Liara won't ask too many questions.
Fat chance for that. She's too damn curious for her own good.
As she closed the door, the first thing that greeted her was Liara's voice.
"Shepard! Thank the Goddess!" Liara jumped from the armchair and almost ran towards Shepard who was taking her hoodie off, leaving her in her sweaty t-shirt.
"Hey," Shepard simply answered and passed by, heading towards the stairs.
"I was worried Shepard-" Liara started but Shepard cut her off.
"I'm going to take a shower, and then we will talk, alright?"
"Shepard-" Liara started, and Shepard could feel her eyes going all over her body. She was a mess after her little walk, mud all over her pants and she wouldn't be surprised if she had a leaf or two in her hair.
Shepard sighed, "Liara please," she practically begged, and not looking back, she went upstairs.
Half an hour later, Shepard footsteps announced that she was coming. Liara noticed that she changed and that her hair is still damp and unbrushed, strands of it overlapping in every direction. If this was a better time, Liara would comment on how this ragged look was attractive on Shepard.
"I made some coffee," Liara said with some uncertainty, not sure if she did the right thing.
"Thanks," Shepard took one sip, and with her back still towards Liara, said, "It needs more sugar. But it's good. I will never understand how you don't like coffee, claiming it's too bitter for you, but when I tried that weird green tea of yours I almost-"
"Shepard," Liara stopped her rambling, reminding her that she can't get herself out of this.
Shepard sighed, "We need to talk don't we?"
"I think it would be for the best, yes," Liara confirmed, and Shepard turned around but said nothing.
Seeing how she won't start, Liara spoke, "Shepard, I'm worried about you."
She took another sip of her coffee, "Why?"
As Liara expected, this will be difficult.
"You are my friend Shepard, so I will skip the introduction to why I care about you and go straight to the point."
Shepard gave a slight nod, and Liara continued, "I am here for what five days? And in those five days, you had two incidents-"
"Incidents?" Shepard spat the word out as if it was poison. "Nice word you picked up for describing it. Like I'm a madwoman without her meds." She slammed the cup down on the table. Spilled coffee made it's way towards the edge of the table, dripping in perfect rhythm, making a small black puddle on the floor. Liara was surprised how the cup didn't shatter into thousand tiny pieces.
"Then how would you call it?" Liara asked, gaining composure after Shepard's outburst.
"Nothing," she simply answered.
"Nothing?" Liara stood now, furious at her friend stubbornness. "Running out in the middle of the night is nothing for you? Shepard, you need help."
"Because of one bad dream? Then every fucking soldier in this galaxy needs help."
"You can rationalize this however you want. The fact stands, you are not well. Even Tali and Garrus-"
"Oh great! It's really nice to hear that my friends are talking behind my back."
Liara ignored her and continued, "They think that you are closing inside yourself. You are avoiding people Shepard! Your friends! You cut them off one by one; Joker, Kaidan, me, and now Garrus and Tali? What is your goal? To be alone? What are you so afraid of?"
"I will make this clear," Shepard said sharply, "I am not afraid of anything. I don't need pity, or someone to talk to. But what I do need, is for all of you to leave me alone."
"Fine. Then ignore all your problems and hide inside your shell like you always do when you are afraid," Shepards' lip twitched at this, her nerves on overload but Liara continued. "Goddess forbid you show that you are of flesh and blood like the rest of us!"
"I'm not like the rest, thanks to you," Shepard said through gritted teeth. If looks could kill, Liara would be dead on the spot.
Liara let out a bitter laugh, "Wow. After all this time..." Her eyes started to burn.
There was a time when guilt Liara wore made it acceptable to let Shepard blame her. But that time has to come to an end. Because if Liara tolerates this kind of attitude any longer, both of them will be dragged down by the past. And so, Liara straighten her shoulders, and not breaking the eye contact, snapped back.
"I did what I had to do!" her voice low, barely containing the anger that was boiling beneath it. "You are alive because of me. You better remember that."
Shepard stared at her for a moment like she couldn't believe what Liara just said. Finally, she let out a forced laugh, "The fucking nerve of you."
"It's the truth!"
"So what do you expect? Some kind of reward? That I should be grateful?" Shepard mockingly asked, "Should I fall to my knees and kiss your feet? Would that satisfy you?"
Shepard studied Liara's face for a moment before she asked, "Would that rid you of your guilt?"
Liara shook her head, but it was not enough to fool Shepard who smirked in return.
"I expect you to grow up and stop blaming me for your problems!" Liara yelled at her.
"This is some problem for you? A temper tantrum I'm throwing like a child? Do you have any fucking idea what I had to do? What I had to sacrifice? And in the end, it meant nothing!"
"I was there, you were never alone-"
"I WAS ALWAYS ALONE!" Shepard roared and slammed her fists on the table between them.
Liara waited for the ringing in her ears to stop before she silently said, "You were not. Never. And if you really feel like that, you have only yourself to blame. You push people away, Shepard. That is what you do best."
Liara sat back down, exhausted. She can't fight anymore. She is so tired. Silence filled the space between them, as neither she nor Shepard spoke. Glancing up she saw Shepard leaned against the back of the chair and hung her head down, her chin almost touching her chest. Whatever battle they fought, both of them were on the losing side.
Liara forced herself to get up and walk around the table, slowly lifting Shepard's chin with her index finger, forcing her to look at her.
"Why are you like this? Why don't you let me help you?" she asked, and cupping her cheek, she gently rubbed the small isolated scar on her cheekbone.
"I'm fine, Liara. I don't need help."
"How many times you need to tell yourself that before you started believing in it?"
Shepard seemed lost for a split second before she closed her eyes. Was the question or the touch that froze Shepard, Liara was not sure, but she continued to stroke Shepard uneven skin, hoping it will bring her some peace. They stood like that, neither of them sure for how long, before Shepard took a step back, retreating from her. If Liara didn't know better, she would think Shepard is afraid of her.
"I need some time. I need to be alone. I... I want you to leave," she said almost mechanically, crossing her arms.
Liara didn't know what to say to Shepard's wish. How can you respond to something like that, when your friend is in a dire need of help, but she wants to be left alone. What can Liara do? She can stay here against Shepard's wish. But then what? Force her to talk? The only thing that could come from it was more fights, more yelling and more accusations flying from both sides. No matter how hard it is to Liara, she will respect Shepard's wish if she truly wants that.
"You want me to leave?" Liara merely whispered, a hope behind the question that Shepard will change her mind.
"I need you to leave. You being here... it is suffocating me." Shepard turned away as she said that. Liara tried to fight Shepard's hurtful words with reason and logic she is so proud of, but it made things only worse so silently, without a word she left Shepard alone and went to pack her things.
Shepard waited as Liara packed. She took her time, now already an hour as she went upstairs. Shepard wondered what took her so long, slightly annoyed because the longer Liara took the faster her emotions circled from regret to relieved from telling her to leave. And with each passing minute, she wasn't sure if she did the right thing. She could feel regret gaining a slight advantage over everything else. She could feel a headache coming, her head pressed from every side as if something was digging its fingers into her brain. Something awoken inside her, Shepard was not sure what, but that something is nibbling her insides, and Shepard wanted to scream for it to stop. Scream at Liara until she stays. But she can't do that. She needs some time alone, to get herself together again. She needs her life to go back to its usual, familiar pace. Before Liara came here, before they met on Illium. Next week Mike and Addison will return back home, and everything will be normal again. A rush of anger passed through Shepard and with it an urge to blame Liara for all of this. Liara stirred some ghosts coming here, resulting in that nightmare. But her anger quickly disappeared. She can't be angry at Liara. It's not her fault.
Liara only wants to help, but Shepard' is not used sharing her thoughts, there is no point in that. Her mind was so clogged, every word she tries to say hits a mental wall. She learned the hard way, the closer you are to someone, the faster they ran away, or in Shepard's case, leave you forever. She will spare Liara from that. Liara deserves better.
The soft footsteps thumped down the stairs, and Shepard let out a breath she didn't know she was holding inside her. She stared at her feet, shame overwhelming her. She wants to look at Liara, to see her face, her eyes, but she was too weak. She prayed to whatever gods existed that she looked indifferent to the whole ordeal and that Liara would just leave. Unlucky for her, Liara put her suitcase down and stopped just in front of her.
"I just want you to know Shepard, that I am not angry. I can't say I understand what is happening inside you, I think no one has the right to even presume that. But I do understand that you need to be alone for some time. And I respect that," she paused for a second before continuing. "Don't hesitate to call me, whenever you want, for whatever reason."
Liara was disappointed when Shepard didn't even look at her or give any sign she heard her. It is best for her to leave, and hopefully, with time, Shepard will be able to talk. Staying here, forcing Shepard to something she is not ready for, will not do any good. It was hard to admit, but they need a break from each other. Liara picked up her suitcase and walked towards the door. Just when she wanted to step outside, Shepard's voice stopped her.
"Liara, wait."
Liara looked at Shepard who was now in the living room getting something from the small cabinet. Curious, Liara started to walk back, and meeting Shepard halfway, she recognized what Shepard was holding. It was a neatly folded N7 hoodie. Liara didn't know what to say or to think anymore. One moment they fight, another Shepard does things like this. What is going inside this woman's head?
"It's new. I never wore it," Shepard said handing it over to Liara. "I think its a size too big for you but at least you can wrap it around yourself. You know? Like a blanket. It's more comfortable that way anyway."
And for the first time today, Shepard gave her a smile. It was a small one, not quite reaching her eyes but for Liara, it was a sign that Shepard is trying.
Liara traced the rough surface of the N7 emblem with her finger. Shepard cleared her throat, the silence coming from Liara making her anxious.
"It's alright if you don't want it. I thought you may like it because you said-"
"You know that I care about you, Shepard? You know that right?"
Liara lifted her head to look at Shepard, to gaze into her eyes and to try to see if her confession, which held so much weight underneath it, changed anything. But Shepard's head was turned away from Liara, her lips parted slightly as if she was trying to say something but not finding the right words. Liara didn't wait for her to answer because she might as well wait forever then. So she stepped closer, as much as the piece of clothing between them allowed, and with her heart beating so hard she thought it might explode, put a soft kiss on Shepard's scarred cheek. She didn't register Shepard's reaction as she was too focused on her own. Slightly trembling, her lips lingered there for a moment longer than acceptable between even the best of friends, frozen to Shepard's skin. How little it would take, to let them slide down, to reach the corner of Shepard's lips. To finally find out, how would they feel against her own.
But she won't do that. Because she was aware that emotionally, there is a huge gap between them, a difference on so many levels, that even if the kiss was returned, it would be nothing more than a reflex, a physical reaction. And Liara didn't want that. She didn' want Shepard's body, it was never about just that. She wants the whole her. The beautiful, the ugly, everything Shepard has to offer. She wants Shepard. And in that moment, she realized that this wasn't some childish crush, she often reproaches herself with. It was true, pure love.
Finally distancing herself, she studied Shepard's face, for any clue of how she feels. But her face was unreadable as if she herself can't decide how to react.
"I'm sorry it didn't work out Liara," Shepard whispered.
"It will," she reassured her, and taking the hoodie from Shepard's hands, she said, "Goodbye Shepard."
She gave her a final glance, before stepping outside and closing the door behind her leaving Shepard in hauntingly empty house.
Later when the sun set down, Shepard was sitting at the table holding a white flower in her hands. A memory passed through her mind when she surprised Liara the other day.
"You did buy them after all," Liara said, holding the bouquet close to her, smelling the fresh flowers.
"Just to surprise you. I thought you might like them," Shepard smiled, satisfied with Liara's reaction. She was worried she might look weird if she said they were for her, but Liara seemed happy. Looks like the old man was right after all.
"I do. They are beautiful, Shepard."
"Yeah. The best the Earth has to offer," Shepard said, as she ran her fingers through the soft petals of one of the flowers.
"Not the best," Liara corrected her, and Shepard made a mental note to find out what kind of flowers she liked better.
"You can take them to your room if you want," Shepard suggested but Liara tilted her head, examining the bouquet.
"No. They should be here, so both of us can enjoy them."
Shepard put the flower back into the vase. The other flowers started to wilt, but this one was still holding on. Shepard's fingers, like they have a will of their own, reached the part where Liara's lips, so tenderly, brushed against her skin. And she realized that it wasn't Liara who was suffocating her. It was this dark loneliness which was wrapped around her soul.
Little did Shepard knew, it was the same type of darkness that followed Liara as she watched Earth becoming smaller and smaller until it was just another bright dot among many others. Only she tried to fight it with a black piece of clothing, she held so tightly against her chest.
A/N:
I know this isn't the ending some of you hoped for. But it is the one which for me made more sense.
Originally, this part of the story would be a chapter or two longer with a different ending. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed forced, so I decided to stop the story here. Which is for the best, as the sequel will have a different pacing and theme. That being said, the sequel is already in the works, but I will not post it until it's nearly finished. That way, you will get regular updates and for me, it will be easier to edit and fix any plot holes. Also, if you have any questions about the story, feel free to ask.
Thank you for reading and for your support. I know my English is not the best but despite that and the angsty ending, I hope this little story brought you some enjoyment.