The Perfect Path in the Pie
Chapter 14 - I Walk the Line
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Disclaimer: I do not own BONES. I also do not own 'I Walk the Line' by Johnny Cash.
A/N: I'm just going to take the opportunity to have a little outpouring of thanks to all the wonderful readers and reviewers - the last couple of weeks has been a testing time in RL, so thank you for sticking with me :D
Monday, March 21st 2011 - Washington D.C. (11th Day of Lent)
Dr. Lance Sweets sat waiting in his office, the foot of one lanky leg balanced over the knee of the other, reviewing his briefing note and wearing his serious face; because what he had been asked to do today was seriously whacked. Totally. It was almost as bad as the day he'd suggested to Daisy that it was time to change the Twister themed bedspread at her place, citing that they had probably outgrown it. After she'd finished tearing him a new one over his misguided suggestion, she made it up to him by showing him just how many permutations of four limbs and four coloured circles were physically possible. Who knew that the little firecracker, who needed a documented plan for her daily panty selection, could actually place her foot on the red circle behind her ear? Good times.
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The familiar cadence of a bickering duet between Second Tenor and Mezzo Soprano voices reached the pitch-perfect duckling ears of the Psychologist. His favourite non-couple had arrived; and somehow they were supposed to leave his office in an hour with a plan to be the hottest couple in the public eye. This little black duck's goose was cooked.
"Mornin' Sweets!" announced Booth as he strode through the door. It wasn't a greeting, it was an announcement; Sweets could tell the difference. He had two PhD's, a stress-related patch of alopecia on his head the size of a quarter, and a shit load of student loans to prove it.
Dr. Brennan on the other hand was a walking contradiction as she entered the office. Looking every inch the poster girl for lush femininity, albeit one cut and pasted from the annals of the off-topic posting section (read: women) at the Call of Duty fanboy forum; her expression and body language were subdued, almost guarded today.
As Sweets returned the customary greetings to Booth and Brennan, he privately conceded that he'd probably picked the wrong week to give up Skittles.
Sweets uncrossed his legs and leaned forward in his chair, his fingers assumed their odd diamond shaped pose of poise; the one that made Booth think of nursery rhymes involving 'churches and steeples and all the peeples', and Brennan ponder whether the rotation and curvature of his fifth phalanges were an indicator of Marfan's Syndrome.
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"So, I've been briefed by Deputy Director Hacker about the requirement for your undercover assignment," began Sweets.
"That must have been fun," said Booth snarkily. Sweets didn't miss the smirk that flashed over Dr. Brennan's face, or the way that she rubbed at the knuckles of her right hand.
Sweets pushed on. "Let's begin with a background discussion. The piece by the National Inquirer, how did you receive this news?"
"Hacker gave me a copy," replied Brennan.
Booth placed a hand on her forearm. "No, Bones. Sweets means how did you react to the news."
"Oh. I thanked Hacker for bringing it to my attention, and then I called my attorney," she said.
"How about you, Agent Booth?" asked Sweets.
"I got a call from Perotta. She was mightily pissed, with good reason I might add," said Booth.
"And the allegations against Dr. Brennan...how did you feel about them?" probed Sweets.
Booth shifted in his seat and adjusted his Cocky belt buckle. "I knew they were a pile of crap. I was there Sweets...and there was no point getting bent out of shape about it, because Bones doesn't get upset by that stuff."
"That is correct, I don't," chimed in Brennan. "It was a complete fabrication. Absolutely no factual basis."
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"What about the fact that this destructive fabrication, which paints Dr. Brennan as 'the other woman', triggering this entire undercover operation, was due to the machinations of The Other Woman in your own relationship?" said Sweets, air quoting with his fingers.
"You mean Hannah?" asked Brennan, receiving a pleased smile and a nod from Sweets. She took a breath. "Well, then I find myself confused, because Hannah was of the opinion that I was the other woman, despite my never having had a sexual relationship with Booth."
"I understand what you're saying, Dr. Brennan," said Sweets. "You've correctly identified the motivator for Hannah's actions. She wanted you to be publicly outed in order for others to perceive you as she does, because your relationship with her lover, Agent Booth, made her feel like the other woman."
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"Hey, Sweets!" Booth burst out. "I never cheated on Hannah. She was the one with the problem and the past..."
Sweets held up his hands and pinned Booth with a look. "Your fidelity is not in question here, Agent Booth. But you have to consider that when she discovered the depth and intensity of your existing relationship with Dr. Brennan, that she probably felt cheated..." Sweets turned to look at Brennan. "...that she felt like the other woman."
"That's all well and good, but that's what she 'felt'," said Booth using sarcastic air quotes (Patent Pending). "Felt, as in past tense, used to feel, as in it's over! Can we move on?"
"Moving on is not as simple as saying the words, or even taking the steps on the path. Your failed relationship with Hannah is a testament to this; you previously tried to move on from your complicated and unconsummated relationship with Dr. Brennan and also failed."
"So I'm a failure?" said Booth dangerously.
Brennan placed a hand over the fists clenched together in his lap. "You are not a failure, Booth. I was the one that failed you," she said with candour.
"Dr. Brennan is right, and is also wrong. Neither of you have failed, Agent Booth. Both you and Dr. Brennan simply experience great difficulties in adapting to personal change," reasoned Sweets.
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"You are the Sphinx to my Pyramids," said Brennan with a fond smile.
"Well you are the puck to my hockey stick," said Booth, his fingers curling around hers with a smile, giving them a quick squeeze before she reluctantly reclaimed her hand.
Brennan gave a chuckle. "You are the osteoblast to my osteoclast."
Booth snorted with laughter. "You are the Wonder Woman to my Superman."
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"Wow!" said Sweets.
"Wow what?" asked Booth.
Sweets sat back in his chair reflecting for a moment and then gestured expansively toward them.
"Your word play is very enlightening..." he waved a finger between them. "Dr. Brennan basically inferred and validated that you both share an inability to adapt to change. Then you, Agent Booth, employed a euphemism for your desire to win the sexual favour of Dr. Brennan, very aggressively I might add. Then Dr. Brennan basically invited you to devour her at a very intimate level. Following which, you, Agent Booth used the super-hero analogy to re-affirm your successful partnership."
Brennan gave an impressed nod and said to Booth. "I'm surprised that he managed to interpret my cellular bone reference."
"Yeah, I know. I had no clue what you were talking about," Booth replied.
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Sweets held up his iPhone. "I used an App for that one Dr. Brennan. Hey, do you think I could be Batman?" asked the Psychologist, with a wide 'just been to the dentist for a scale and clean' smile.
"Just back up the Bat-mobile into the Bat Cave there, Boy Wonder and hand over the keys," said Booth.
Sweets rolled his eyes. "Nice, Agent Booth. Now you're implying that I am a young boy with undescended testicles."
"What are you? A walking, talking Phantom Decoder Ring, Sweets? And I seriously don't want to even think about anything in your pants, pal!" Booth said with a shudder.
Brennan looked puzzled. "Now I'm the one who has no idea what you're talking about. How does getting onto Sweet's testicles assist with our Undercover work?"
Booth cringed at the unintended entendre. "Good question, Bones!" he deflected.
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Sweets gave a sigh and leaned forward in his chair. "The two of you are going to New Orleans tomorrow, posing as yourselves, with a risky fictitious agenda. You have to convince the Press and members of Dr. Brennan's book-buying public that you are essentially the inspiration and a real-life iteration of Kathy and Andy. Have you any idea what a challenge that will be to two people who have made sublimation an art form? Have you even read the steam between those characters?"
"Of course I've read it, Sweets!" said Booth.
"Well, I actually wrote it. So your question is redundant," added Brennan.
The Psychologist ran a hand through his hair, his fingers skimming over his bald alopecia patch. "I'll rephrase my question and exclude my rhetoric. The two of you are only just reestablishing the intimacy that you lost by leaving the country for seven months. I can see that you are more physically comfortable around each other, but I am concerned that this won't be enough. Although you have a great deal of sexual tension in your history, in terms of your ability to relate to the opposite sex, you both have developed the habit of reverting to celibacy, rather than being able to enjoy casual intimacy with other consenting partners."
"We can pull it off Sweets," Booth said. "We've been Undercover as a couple before. It's not as if we're about to do anything stupid."
"Yes, I'm aware of that," said Sweets patiently, deciding it was time to up the ante. "Dr. Brennan, can I ask you when was the last time you actually had sex?"
Brennan automatically looked at her watch, and Booth spluttered, giving her a surreptitious nudge. "Umm...Too long..." she replied stiffly.
"What the Hell, Sweets?" snarled Booth protectively.
"An interesting response from both of you," said Sweets reclining back and resting his arms calmly along the arms of the chair. "Your relationship has changed since you started on the task-force. Dr. Brennan, the rational exacting scientist, has answered a direct question with a non-quantifiable misdirection. Whereas you, Agent Booth, clearly indicated by your personal affront that you in fact know the answer to that question."
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"Damn it, Bones," said Booth in a resigned tone. "You were right. We can't hide it from Sweets...he's too good at reading us."
"I told you that he would be capable of seeing through my role playing," she said with a shrug. "So shall we tell him this time, or should we more cautious after our past debacle around this subject?"
"Oh, sure. This is totally the right time to keep your therapist in the dark," said Sweets his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Okay then," she said grabbing her bag and preparing to leave.
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Booth placed a restraining hand on Brennan's shoulder. "No, Temperance. He's just being snippy; probably just needs a packet of Skittles and some chocolate milk. We need to tell Sweets the truth...a PG version of the truth."
Sweets almost had heart failure at Booth's very intimate use of her given name. The Gambler had just pulled an Ace from his sleeve.
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"Very well," she said shifting slightly in her seat so that their bodies were touching and Booth could feel the tension rolling off her in waves. "Booth and I have decided to cautiously pursue a more intimate relationship, which has been sanctioned by the FBI."
"By cautiously, she means 'taking it slow', okay?" added Booth. "This whole thing with Hannah and the National Inquirer was just another reason to keep it that way."
"So you're saying that when Hannah confronted you at your hotel in Chicago, that the two of you weren't in a sexual relationship?" asked Sweets in a tone of disbelief.
"No, we weren't," said Brennan honestly. "Although, we had made a commitment to pursue a relationship at that time. None of our actions or interactions in Hannah's presence suggested otherwise. If I had been having a sexual relationship with Booth at that time, I would have had no qualms about making it evident. I have nothing to hide."
Booth jumped in before she said too much. "Look, Sweets. If you must know, there's another reason. It's Lent...and I'm working through a lot of issues around my faith with my priest, okay?"
Brennan placed a hand over Booth's. "It seems counterintuitive and somewhat archaic, but Booth places great emphasis on his redemption through organised religion. Lent is a redemptive path characterised by prayer, fasting and abstinence. I don't necessarily agree or subscribe to his belief system, but I admire and respect his commitment to it."
"So if Booth has religion, how are you working through the transition, Dr. Brennan?" pressed Sweets.
"I have placed my trust in Booth, in all things. He is the most important person in my life," she said with a vehemence which left Sweets in no doubt of her complete honesty.
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"Agent Booth. How do you feel about Dr. Brennan making you her touchstone?" asked Sweets, redirecting the conversation.
"I've told her she can touch me anytime, Sweets," replied Booth with a cocky grin.
Brennan pinched one of Booth's cheeks affectionately. "You are so very cocky." She glanced a Sweets with a mischievous glance. "I have reciprocated by offering to be Booth's touchstone, so he can also take the opportunity to also touch me at any time."
"Bones!" said Booth in a show of piety.
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Sweets shook his head. "I still have concerns that until you begin cohabiting as a couple in every sense of the word that you leave yourselves open to blowing the cover that you have devised. You are walking the line between issues that you want to show to your peers and those that you want to keep between yourselves for the time being. The media are accustomed to Public Relations stunts, they won't be fooled easily. And your fans, Dr. Brennan are going to expect the kind of heat between you and Agent Booth that your books portray."
"I leave much of that heat to be implied by the reader, I find writing graphic sex to be too crass," she explained.
"Which means that your readers, by way of their vivid imaginations are going to expect more than what you describe in your books," said Sweets.
"More?" asked Booth. "What do we have to do, perform 'Page 187' in the Crime and Mystery section of Barnes and Noble? I can't confess something like that to my priest, I'll be sent to Hell!"
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Sweets looked thoughtful for a moment. "All I'm saying is that you need to be prepared to be tested. You will already be undertaking a number of elaborate plans to conduct work for the task-force without attracting attention. People will become suspicious and you will be under scrutiny, night and day. I would like to suggest that you carry a burn phone that I can contact you on, I can monitor the media attention and speculation so that you can prepare your responses in advance."
"Like a heads up?" asked Booth.
"Exactly!" said Sweets.
"Okay, that's kind of creepy, you stalking us on the internet and all. But you've gotta be discreet Sweets!" warned Booth.
"I'm a professional, just like you are," said Sweets. "And there's one other thing..."
"I thought I already told you no about the Batman thing," Booth said with a smirk, making Brennan laugh.
"Ha ha, Agent Booth," said Sweets getting tired. "You haven't been around the Hoover much in the past couple of weeks, but you should seriously consider making yourselves seen as a couple for the rest of the day. You only have to attract the notice of a few people to provide a feasible basis for what will be plastered all over the media tomorrow. That way, if media queries do find themselves at the Hoover, your relationship can be validated."
"You mean like simulating sex in Booth's office in the manner that you and Ms. Wick were doing?" asked Brennan.
Booth almost swallowed his tongue. "I'm not going to bend Bones over my desk, Sweets! So keep your dirty mind to yourself, okay?
Sweets gave an epic eye roll. "You're going to have to keep a lid on that sexual frustration, Agent Booth. I was actually referring to hand holding and perhaps another acceptable Public Display of Affection, such as a goodbye kiss when Dr. Brennan returns to the Lab."
"Okay," said Booth grudgingly. "Are we done?"
"Yes," said Sweets. "I will be in touch.
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Brennan stood and waited for Booth to move toward the door, she slung an arm around Booth's waist and grabbed his ass as they entered the corridor, giving Sweets a thumbs up as he sat dumbstruck by the display. Those two were complete fools for each other; he hoped that they could handle the emotional learning curve ahead of them.
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Booth moved Brennan's hand from his ass and took her hand in his as they entered the elevator. A couple of raised brows noted their tangled fingers as they stepped inside. Rumours had run abound following their Chicago task-force clinch on the previous week, and in a building full of investigators, Sweets was right, it wasn't going to take much. Brennan leaned against Booth affectionately and deliberately gave a small smile to one of the Agents from the bullpen on Booth's floor. The Agent had never seen the Anthropologist crack a smile before and quickly came to a logical and slightly erotic conclusion as to what lay behind that smile.
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The doors to Booth's floor opened and they made their way to his office.
"Nicely done, Bones," said Booth approvingly. "Mitchell, that guy in the lift, is one of the biggest blabbermouths in the Hoover Building. By close of business today, they'll be debating which China patterns were gonna pick out."
"Are you sure we've done enough? Sweets was insistent. I should head back to the Jeffersonian anyway, so it probably would be a good idea to do the goodbye kiss," she said with a hint of a smile.
"Okay. C'mere, Bones!" he said pulling her into a loose embrace and placing a light, very socially acceptable kiss on her lips.
"Is that an FBI regulation goodbye kiss, Booth?" she asked challengingly with her arms looped around his neck. "Where is the rebel kiss that goes along with the loud socks, garish ties, distasteful pens and 'Cocky' belt buckle? The kiss that an alpha male uses to publicly claim a mate as his own."
"You promise not to kick my ass when I say, 'you're mine', night and day? When I kiss you in a way doesn't hide the ties that bind us?" he asked.
"For goodbye kisses in public, under the circumstances, I won't kick your ass. Or perhaps you would like to consider Sweets' suggestion?" she said with that quirky grin that said she'd give as good as she got, no matter what. Booth glanced at his desk and started reciting saints.
With Brennan grabbing his tie threateningly, he got to work. As her body landed with a thud against the glass wall of his office, every head turned to see Special Agent Seeley Booth, in the running for luckiest bastard on the planet, as he staked his alpha male claim.