Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, The Twilight Quartet or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Well, what do you know- I'm still alive!

How did I survive, you ask? Let me continue from where our recount of the hellish mire of hyper-sexuals and Jam-fests that is my life left off in the last installment of this so-called guide to high school (more like a how-to-drive-Near-to-suicide-with-gay-sex-and-Jam guide if you ask me. Which, of course, everyone else is too busy competing in the orgasm marathon to do):

The lock on the industrial steel door was breaking when I had a brilliant idea on how to stop them:

"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop or I'll eat the Jam!" Now this may not seem like much of a threat but remember: they were using this Jam for lubricant. They would do anything to protect their precious Jam. If they didn't they would have to.. do certain things without...

I'm going to stop before I give myself brain damage.

"NO! NOT THE JAM!" Screamed BB through the door. Instantly the shoving of the door ceased and I sighed in relief. Of course fate, being the sadistic B%$#&*$ that he is, couldn't let this opportunity to screw with my life some more pass.

"Hey," that was Light. Just a question before we continue: the majority of you people who read this thing and send in mind-bending challenges to torment me seem to leave Light alone. HOW COME YOU DON'T SCREW WITH HIM!? HE KILLED L! I KILLED HIM! (Well that was Ryuk but I created the circumstance dammit!) WHY DON'T YOU INFLICT YOUR SICK, TWISTED FANTASIES ON HIM AND SPARE MY SOFT LITTLE BODY FROM THIS HELL!?

Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, back to the story: "hey," said Light, who I thoroughly hate and despise with every atom of my being, "if Near eats the Jam doesn't that mean the lubricant will be in him?" Oh s*%$...

"Yes!" Yelled L. "That means he'll be pre-lubricated!"

"YES!" Everybody screamed. "A PRE-LUBRICATED VIRGIN!" And with that the door's lock broke and the majority of the Death Note cast (and some of the Twilight cast, oh god even dead people with mysterious erectile abilities want to... I can't say it. Not after all this...) came swarming in. I prayed to whatever deity is up there to kill me before I was unceremoniously thrown to the floor and 'introduced to adulthood' by several people at the same time. One or more of them possibly being dead. Guess what?

It didn't work.

However, it seemed that fate didn't quite want to let me off that easily with a simple 'compulsory defloweration'. At that moment a bunch of people in suits burst through the door as the crowds began tugging off my various articles of clothing.

"Halt!" They said before then they turned to me. "You are Nate Rivers, correct?"
I didn't know what these people in suits were or why they were here but anything was better than having Light.. do things to me. "YES! I'M NATE RIVERS! GET THESE PSYCHOS OFF ME BEFORE THEY GET TO MY UNDERWEAR!" I admit it wasn't my most dignified comment, but I think I handled it better than any of you people would have. Seriously, imagine Light trying to 'take your cherry', and if that's not enough to give you brain damage I would like to point out that he had some sort of vegetable with him that clearly intended to use. I couldn't tell what type said vegetable was because of two things: A, it would have required closer examination to find out (keep in mind that he's probably used it in one of his 'playdates' with L, Matt, Mello and BB). B, it was covered wih some sort of substance that made it impossible to see exactly what kind of vegetable it was. I decided not to find out what said substance was to preserve what little remains of my sanity, although I would probably be able to tell if Light managed to get to me before the rest.

"Good!" The men suddenly barged their way through the crowd, stomping on Light several times (sweet vengeance), and grabbed me.

"THANK YOU MY SAVIOURS!" I cried in joy. Once again, not my most dignified moment but what the hell! I had been saved from Light molesting me with a vegetable! It was then I suddenly felt the sharp pain of a needle in my thigh. I looked down to see the remains of tranquilizer dart. Well I can't exactly say I didn't expect something like to happen. Fate just loves screwing with my life, there's no way he'd me off that easily.

Still, I thought as I tumbled into oblivion. If Light and co get to me now at least I won't feel it...

*****

"Hey," said a voice, I felt something shake me awake. I moaned and screwed up my eyes. "Hey don't be like that, we're all friends here, why else would we do this for you?"

That woke me up instantly, like hell fate was going to be nice and give me a reprieve from the mind-bending torments he so loved. I looked around to see a dark room with several tables. On said tables were numerous plastic objects and strange liquids. I looked away from them and saw Light standing a few inches away from me.

"HOLYM&^%$#*^%$#!" I screamed and tried to lurch back, only to find my limbs bound, I glanced down and saw that I was chained to some kind of metal X.

"W-what the F*&^% is going on!?" I screamed. I heard sniggers behind Light, and Mello, Matt (who was still rotting by the way), BB and L suddenly stepped out from behind him.

"Well, since it's your first time and all we thought we'd teach you a few things..." that was L, who I now have sworn to kill before he finds some way to sink even lower in my eyes. I then realised what was going on and I recognised the various objects on the tables and what the liquid was became painfully obvious.

"I even got some Tele-tubby suits on e-bay to try out," sniggered Light as he held up a red suit with some kind of antennae. Wow. I mean, just wow. Just when I think things can't get any worse Light proves to me that there is always some way to make it worse. Case in point: BDSM rape by five people, one of which is dead. Now put those people in Tele-tubby suits.

You have to give fate credit for creativity.

Light was suddenly behind me. "Let's get started."

*****

"NOOOO!" I screamed as I woke up. For a few seconds my eyes darted around the black room I was in, then I realised that the whole situation with the elopers had been just a dream.

Thank you almighty lord in heaven! I will never doubt your judgement again!

Suddenly my room shook and I heard the slamming of car doors. My room was filled with light (not Light, the person who I curse with every atom of my being. Just ordinary light) and I realised that I was, in fact, lying in a car boot. Once of the people in suits roughly hauled me out of the car and began dragging me by the collar.

"Hey, what's going on?" I asked, suddenly very afraid. The man ignored me. I took in my surrounding. We were in some kind of car park. A few meters ahead of us was some kind of stage. To the side was a huge crowd of people holding signs with numbers on them. Uh-oh, this can't be good.

Suddenly I was hauled up a bunch of stairs and thrown into the air.

Well, they might have saved me from certain... things, but they could at least be little more careful with my soft body? I'm only little you know...

I was dragged over to a chair and I felt my hands and feet being chained to the arms and legs of the chair. Not a good sign in my lfie. Come to think of it- what is? I looked in front of me to see I was sitting in the middle of a stage in a metal chair with at least two hundred people in front of me.

"Weclome one and all!" Said a person a few meters beide me into a microphone. "Here we have article number thirty-eight, perhaps the most rarest of treasures, a virgin." The crowd gasped and started babbling. Oh god. For those of you who are too thick to keep up I'll put things in simple terms for you: I was being auctioned off. For whatever reason of their the people who had saved me from Light and co had given me to this strange person who was now auctioning me off like some kind of piece of art.

I suppose I'm worth as much as a peice of rare art but that's not the point!

"I bet half a cent!" Yelled someone.

"I bet two-thirds of cent!" Yelled another. WHAT!?!? I'M BEING ACTIONED OFF AND YOU PEOPLE ARE TYRING TO GET ME FOR UNDER A CENT!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

"We bet ten cent's," said a nightmarishly familiar voice. I felt my blood run cold as I saw L, Matt, Mello, BB and Light holding up a number. Light had his 'exactly as planned' face on and was the speaker. The crowd gasped.

"A whole ten cents?"

"But.. they could buy something valuable with that!" This is fate screwing with me. I refuse to accept the idea that this all pure coincidence. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU SADISTIC B%$#&*$! Perhaps this is just asking for it but I really needed to get that out of my system... oh, and one more thing before I leave off (trying to write in a dairy is difficult when you're tied to a chair), I'm beginning to think that I'm getting premonitions now... of something horrible...

Light and co are all wearing tele-tubby suits...

July 11 (again!)

About to be auctioned off for TEN CENTS!

Some carpark in Japan.

Nate Rivers