"Money?" Tsukki said.
Tadashi had to un-clench his teeth to answer.
"Money," he said. "He was very clear about that."
Their news segment was due to air at 8:30pm that night, and Coach invited the entire team to watch it at his family store. He'd recorded the match from the TV earlier, and suggested they all watch it back so they could examine their mistakes. He pushed his TV out into the fresh produce section, wheeled the wooden carts filled with fruits and vegetables to the side, and crammed the team into the gaps between them.
Somewhere around the end of the first set, Tadashi discreetly excused himself so that he and Tsukki could finish the conversation they'd started on the bus. They were leaned up against the freezers at Coach Ukai's store, right in front of the ice cream and frozen cakes. The rest of the team were far too absorbed in the match to notice they'd gone. Tadashi could hear them over there now—as far from this section of the store as you could get. Shouting and laughing, sighing and chatting.
They were a noisy bunch, and that was a great smokescreen for a private conversation.
"Wasn't that the goal of the exhibition match from the beginning?" Tsukki said. "To get sponsors and endorsements?"
"Well, yeah," Tadashi said. "But...that's not the part that gets me. The worst part is how fake it all is."
"Fake?"
"Yeah," Tadashi said. "Like...he didn't want to do that article, you know? He did it because his father told him it'd generate buzz or something. And he didn't want to do the exhibition match, either. He even said he purposefully fell behind in the second set so they could stage a comeback. And then all that stuff with Iwaizumi! It's just...It's all bullshit! None of it's real."
Tsukki's eyebrows shot up and a smirk pinched the corner of his mouth.
"I don't often hear you swear."
Tadashi snorted.
True enough. He'd inherited his mother's dull tongue. She could be falling head-first out of a plane into a sea of man-eating sharks and the worst she could muster would be an oh, bother. Once he saw her tell a pigeon to 'get lost', then throw a guilty look over her shoulder to check no-one heard.
"This isn't easy for me," he said, and his voice was suddenly half as loud. "Ever since I can remember, I've been...I don't know. I feel like I've been nursing a wound. Like I've got a limp, and it's forcing me to walk instead of run. I'm always one word away from giving it all away, and I'm not ready for that. It's...it's just difficult, Tsukki."
Tsukki nodded.
"Sure," he said. "Of course."
Tadashi sniffed.
"I thought Oikawa was trying to make it easier. I thought he knew what this feels like, and was trying to stop other people having to deal with it. But then I find out it's all an act, and he's doing it for publicity? This thing that's so hard for me, and he's turned it into a cash machine? I mean, are you kidding me?"
"You sound like you're going to swear again."
"I'm this close," he said.
But he kept his language in check. It'd be really easy to get carried away again, and lose control of his voice. The last thing he needed was for Daichi to hear the shouting and come to investigate. Or for Nishinoya to overhear what they were saying, and start asking questions.
He snorted.
Even now—in the middle of a conversation about how he felt trapped by his sexuality—he had to hold himself back. He wondered just how much of his personality was really his, and how much of it was filtered out so people wouldn't find out what he was really like. Was there even a way to know? Was he buried so deep inside that he'd never dig his way out?
"Being honest," Tsukki said, "I think we all knew there was something in it for the Grand King. If he was going to all this public effort, he must have had something to gain."
"Yeah, I know," Tadashi said. "I just didn't think it'd make me feel this bad. And I think about all the people who do look up to him—all the ones who left supportive comments on that article! There were dozens of them. They deserve a better role model than this."
And then Tsukki said something that made Tadashi's red-hot temper freeze up.
"Maybe they deserve you," he said.
At first they might as well have been four completely unconnected words. He sounded them out a few times in his head, mouthing them silently. Maybe they deserve you...maybe they deserve you...maybe they deserve you...
"What?" he eventually said.
Tsukki shrugged.
"Maybe you could follow his lead, but do it right this time. At least then Oikawa will have done some good by inspiring you."
Tadashi's fingers felt colder than the freezer he was leaning against.
"Don't tease me, Tsukki."
"I'm not," Tsukki said. "It was just a thought."
It was so ridiculous. The very idea. There were a thousand reasons why it could never happen—not least of which that Tadashi didn't want it to.
Coming out publicly was something Oikawa could do because he was a perfect storm of factors. Much as Tadashi hated him right now, he could still recognize all the things that made him a great choice for a role model. He was charismatic, and handsome, and popular. He was very good at volleyball—maybe one of the best in all of Japan. He had a small public profile already, and now it was even bigger. He had the confidence to stand underneath all the attention and the praise and the criticism and shoulder it. Strong legs! He had strong legs to take all that weight.
Tadashi had none of those things. He was nobody. A nobody with stick-legs.
"I could never—" he started.
"It was honestly just a thought," Tsukki said. "Don't worry about it."
But it was too late. He was already worried about it.
"I couldn't—"
He was cut off by a loud voice, shouted from clear across the store.
"Yamaguchi!" it was Coach. "Hurry up or you'll miss your moment!"
He snapped upright, pushing himself off the freezer door.
"Yes, coach!" he called back.
"Come on," Tsukki said. "Come watch yourself embarrass the Fake King."
Tadashi forced a smile—the Yamaguchi Grin! It'd been a while since he'd found himself wearing it—and followed Tsukki back to the produce section. As he passed through the aisles, he tried his best to push Tsukki's idea out of his head. Something about it had grabbed hold of his frontal lobes and wouldn't let go, and he had no idea why.
It terrified him. He didn't want to come out publicly. He didn't want to come out privately just yet! It was something he'd never, ever agree to. Something that was never going to happen.
And yet he felt as nervous as if he was just about to make the announcement to the entire team.
Why?
What was this nagging?
He knew the answer must be inside him somewhere. But like so many other things, it was buried beneath the pile of barriers and blockades he had set up in there. They protected him from letting anyone see his true self, and he was grateful for that. But they also sometimes hid answers from him. Answers that could make things a lot more simple if he had them.
They were almost back to the team when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.
That little vibration managed to calm him down a bit, at least. A smile broke out on his face as he reached for it. He already knew who it was. He swiped the unlock screen, loaded messages, and felt himself tingle as he read Taiga's latest text.
Now we're boyfriends do I have to think of a new nickname for you or is Guchi-chan still fine? This is very important please write back quickly.
He snorted and tapped a reply as fast as he could.
Guchi-chan is fine, tiger.
He and tsukki took their seats beneath a tower of brush potatoes and onions. Right next to Kageyama and Hinata, who were propped up beneath a pile of lemons, limes and oranges. He'd no sooner gotten settled that his phone buzzed again.
HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING ME THAT ALL THIS TIME? I don't consent. Stop at once.
Tadashi texted back quickly.
Listen to you roar! =^.^=
And he hid his phone before the reply could come back.
On the TV, Tadashi was just about to be subbed in for Hinata. It was the first time he'd ever seen himself in high-definition, full-motion video like this. He hated looking at his own photos, but this was something worse. He couldn't stop himself cringing at the way his hair flopped down over his ears, and at his skinny arms and legs, and the way his uniform puffed out in the middle because he couldn't fill it with muscle at the top.
"Agh," he said, the Yamaguchi Grin still plastered to his face. "I look like a scarecrow!"
There was a ripple of laughter through the team.
"The scarecrow that spooked Oikawa," Daichi said.
"Here he goes!" Nishinoya said.
"Check out the death stare!" Tanaka said, laughing. "I didn't know you had it in you, Yamaguchi! Facing off against Oikawa like that."
His first serve went in, and everyone laughed at the way Seijoh were caught so unawares. He felt an arm clap him on the back and turned to see Hinata beaming at him.
Tadashi laughed.
"I didn't know I had it me, either," he said once things settled. "I just wanted Oikawa to know he wasn't going to get off easy."
"He certainly didn't," Coach said. "Serve number two."
TV-Tadashi tossed the ball—the form looked good, even to Tadashi's self-conscious eyes—and it landed right on the baseline. The way Oikawa stared at the spot, mouth agape, made everyone in the room laugh even harder.
This time, Kageyama turned to him.
"Yamaguchi, nice serve."
Tadashi blushed.
The highest praise Kageyama was capable of giving.
"Third serve, now," Coach said. "And the best. Everyone watch closely."
Tadashi didn't realize how long he'd spent staring Oikawa down, but the cameras caught it all. It must have been close to the full 8 seconds he was allowed between the ref's whistle and tossing the ball. He saw the way the other Seijoh players lost their focus as the stare-off stretched on. He saw the way they hesitated when it looked like the ball was running off course, because jump-float serves are unpredictable.
And he saw the way they were struck still when the ball landed right between the ace and the libero, nowhere near Oikawa.
"Misdirection," Coach said. "You played a mental game with Seijoh, Yamaguchi. And it worked. Did you do it on purpose?"
"I...yeah," he said. "I figured everyone thought I was trying to arm-wrestle with Oikawa, and that was a good time to serve it somewhere else."
"It's called a Gunslinger's Gambit," Coach said. "Tricking the other team into thinking you're in a one-on-one duel, then switching it to catch them off guard. I haven't seen it used in a long, long time. Well done."
Tadashi couldn't do anything but nod. He saw himself buried under a pile of his teammates on the screen, and felt like the same thing was happening again. That rush of pride and adrenaline and joy that he'd never felt before, and maybe wouldn't ever again. He clung on to that feeling for a moment. Closed his eyes and let it warm him all the way through once more.
And then, when he thought things couldn't feel any better—when he was feeling cozy and comfortable outside and in—his phone buzzed, and the grin on his face tightened.
Taiga.
His boyfriend.
He had a boyfriend.
Lucky you're cute, pinch server, or I would be so outraged right now.
He smiled at his phone like it was Taiga's face, and then pocketed it once more. He'd reply soon, when he had some privacy. For now, the match was still running.
The third set started, and before long Karasuno was behind. Coach pointed out a few of the things Seijoh were doing that allowed them to take such a steady lead. A lot of basic things that were difficult to get right, but that Oikawa made look easy. Kageyama had been right all those weeks ago—Seijoh were playing a style of volleyball specifically tailored to counter Karasuno's relentless attack power.
The space between serves shortened, and the points racked up steadily, and then it was over. The evening news was starting. Once the current affairs were out of the way, it'd move on to sports. For now, everyone chatted amongst themselves.
"Yamaguchi," Coach said, waving him over.
"Yes, Coach?" Tadashi said, picking his way through the crowd of team mates on the shop floor.
"Here," he said, holding out a slip of paper. "I was going through the game stats earlier. I thought you might like this one."
Tadashi took the printout, and his eyebrows shot up as he deciphered the figures on the page. It was sorted by the column furthest to the right, labeled 'Service Aces – No Touch'. And over on the left, in order from most to least...
1 – Yamaguchi Tadashi (3)
2 – Oikawa Tooru (2)
3 – Kageyama Tobio (1)
4 – Iwaizumi Hajime (1)
Coach had underlined his name, and written in block capitals next to it: A BETTER SERVICE GAME THAN OIKAWA.
And that was it.
One too many feelings stirred up. One too many reasons to feel good about himself. The backs of his eyes stung as all that warmth and pride gathered strength and tried to flush out those weird tears you can only cry when you're happy. He was determined not to let it out in front of Coach, but...
The back of his throat tightened, and he knew he couldn't speak.
He bowed his head to Coach, Coach bowed back, and he walked away.
The stats weren't even that impressive. Oikawa managed eleven service aces across the three sets if you allowed for touches. But still, seeing his name there at the top of the list, Oikawa trailing behind...
He sat down next to Tsukki and bit down on his lip to try and get his emotions back under control. It was like he could feel the tears clawing at the corners of his eyes. Somehow—through sheer force of will and the most incredible Yamaguchi Grin he could muster—he kept them from getting out.
Tsukki glanced at the printout.
"Nicely done, gunslinger Tadashi."
Tadashi summoned all his energy to force some air through his throat.
"Thank you," he said in barely a whisper.
"Hey, hey!" Nishinoya called from the front of the room. "We're on!"
A wave of 'shhh's went around the group, and everyone was suddenly glued to the TV. The sports presenter introduced the exhibition match quickly, then threw to the on-site reporter. There were establishing shots of the Aoba Johsai gymnasium, and some randomly lifted shots of the match in the background.
"Karasuno high school were knocked out of the inter-high volleyball tournament by Aoba Johsai earlier this year, and the captains were eager to settle the score."
The scene cut to Daichi and Suga in the media marshaling room, and a cheer went up around the room. Daichi's eyes were wide, and his face was set into a bizarre smile that didn't suit his face one bit. He looked like a kindergartener being introduced to his school principal.
"We are honored to be invited to take part in such a high-profile event," Daichi said, being slightly too careful to hit every t and d in his sentence.
Beside him, Suga looked like he couldn't be more at home. He was relaxed and smiling his usual I'm-your-best-friend smile, hands tucked behind his back as he followed up on Daichi's line.
"Although the chance to pay them back is nice, too. We promise not to go too hard on them," he said, and grinned right down the camera. He capped it all off with a thumbs up.
Tadashi, despite the tightness in his chest and throat, giggled.
Daichi and Suga were two opposites. A wooden tower of tightly-wound tension on the left, and an angelic ray of sunshine on the right.
"Suga, that was adorable," Tanaka teased.
Suga turned—the same grin on his face now as the one he'd just sent down the camera, like he'd passed it to himself through the screen.
"I am, aren't I?" he said, and whacked Tanaka on the thigh with a closed fist.
The second year yelped as he rolled away from his vice-captain.
The segment chugged along quickly. Everyone jeered when Oikawa came on screen, talking about the wonderful atmosphere and the excellent opportunity to play such a strong team. Footage of his impressive-looking serve was played as the reporter went through the match highlights and scores.
Tadashi got his own mention toward the end.
"Things would have ended a lot sooner were it not for a string of aces from Karasuno's number twelve, Yamaguchi Tadashi." As she said his name, a shot of his final serve filled the screen. "Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to—"
His phone started buzzing.
Once. Twice. Three times. Four!
Texts from Taiga – YOU'RE FAMOUS.
Texts from his mother – We saw you on the news! We are so proud!
Texts from his classmates from History class – hey man you were just on the news thats awesome.
That stinging behind his eyes wouldn't let up. The tears wanted out, and they wanted out now.
Just stay in a bit longer, he told himself. Just a bit longer.
The segment was just wrapping up when the report's pitch changed. She was using that kind of 'and now for something funny' voice that news people had when a novelty item came across their autocue.
"The final set ended shortly after, with the game going to Aoba Johsai. A good thing, too, if you ask our network censors!"
The camera cut to Hinata and Kageyama, standing next to one another with equally intense looks on their faces. It was from their interview in the media marshaling room, just before the match. Hinata's fists were clenched as he spoke loudly into the camera.
"We'll win today, and then I'll show you I am the greatest exhibitionist in all of Miyagi!" he said.
There was a pause, and from off-screen the reporter clarified.
"Exhibitionist?"
Hinata didn't miss a beat.
"That's right!"
Next to him, Kageyama nodded.
"It's true."
Tadashi's mouth dropped open.
He read the caption at the bottom of the screen.
Hinata Shoyou – Middle Blocker/Nudity Enthusiast
The news report cut back to the sports anchor in the studio, who was chuckling to himself.
"As you can imagine, our camera crew was glad to be spared that particular spectacle," he said. The desk anchors laughed with the sportscaster, and the news broadcast cut to a commercial.
Ukai's shop was dead quiet.
Nishinoya. Tanaka. Nobody made a sound as they turned to face Hinata at the back of the room. For every second of silence, the tension doubled—like when someone's about to pop a balloon, but won't tell you when.
Hinata—face blank, eyes unfocused—turned slowly in Tsukki's direction. Yamaguchi was the only thing between them.
"Tsukishima," Hinata whispered, so as to barely disturb the delicate air.
One heartbeat.
Two.
Three.
And then Tsukki made the noise that sparked a war.
"Heh," he said with a tiny smile.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Hinata screeched, and he lunged for Tsukki.
The powder-keg was lit. Howls of laughter erupted from everyone in the room—even Tadashi. He managed to catch Hinata around the waist to stop him reaching Tsukki, and clung on as best he could through his paralysing laughter. Hinata was like a wriggling, barking dog trying to break out of his grip. Nishinoya and Tanaka sounded like they were in genuine pain as they watched the struggle. Tsukki stood up, arms folded, and pushed his glasses closer to his face.
"We keep begging you to study," he said.
Tadashi clung to Hinata on the store floor. The chaos, the noise, the struggle, the laughter—there was no point trying to keep himself under control any more. The tears that had been so desperate to escape finally freed themselves. Tears of happiness and pride and laughter and contentment and relief—so many ingredients went into those little drops of salty water.
The most potent tears he'd ever cried.
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NOTE: This is being updated behind schedule. The most up-to-date version is over at AO3. Either search my username or add this to the end of the AO3 URL: /works/5107319/chapters/11749094
There's also illustrations there!