NOTE: OH MY GOD!!!! THE ENLGIHTENMENT IS NIGH!!! I REPEAT, ENLIGHENMENT IS NIGH!!!!! I SAW THE POTC 3 TRAILER THIS PAST WEEK!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Set? What set? A set of what?" Jack thought to himself before saying; "Uh, yeah… set! Yeah, I'll get the set!" Jack smiled.

The man with the clipboard looked at Jack weirdly.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaay…" the dude said. "Just get to the set within-" the dude leaned in closer to Jack.

Jack, the ever defensive pirate, leaned backwards with the man's movements.

"What happened to your hands? And your wig- some of it, like, came off or something… and your face!"

Jack immediately shielded his face with his arm.

"Oh, that? It's… um, it's nothing- I just fell… er, something… on a rock."

"Did the rock bite you?"

"Huh?"

"You have bite marks on your face."

Jack's mouth fell open, a loss of words came to him. Quickly thinking, he ran to the looking glass stationed on the wall in Johnny's trailer. The large mirror reflected a brusque pirate with numerous bruises, cuts and bites strewn across his body.

"Oh, God… why didn't I see myself before!? What is WRONG with me? Oh, wait… that guys in the door!"

Jack ran back to the doorway, climbing down the small steps and slamming the door.

"Oh… it was nothing, it was nothing, it was just, um…" Jack completely went blank. "It was a… um, what are those things with the fur and, um… y'know… the eyes?"

"A dog?" the man asked. Jack shook his head. "A… cat?"

Jack clapped his hands.

"A CAT!! Exactly! A CAT!!" Jack grinned as wide as he could.

"Are you okay, Johnny?"

"A CAT!? A CAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID THAT REALLY COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!? YOU IDIOT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?!?!?"

Jack mentally scolded himself as he was led by the man into a black car and was drove to the set.

Jack calmed himself and regulated his breathing as he watched the tropical wood run past him in the car. There had been something on his mind for a while now… several weeks in fact.

"I am so incompetent… I can't even think straight…God… I am so… off…" and, then, Jack realized something else. "Oh my God… I'm thinking SERIOUSLY. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY MI-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!?!?!?!?"

Jack banged his head on the glass several times, but the man with the clipboard freaked out and pulled him back.

"Hey, Johnny, maybe you should, um… just take a breather, alright? I'll tell Gore to see what we can do about filming another scene-"

"NO!!! I FEEL FINE!! I'M FINE!!" Jack yelled, his mouth curled into a smiled, his nails digging into his fists, and his left eye twitching. "What am I saying!? I gotta' get outta' here!!!"

The man backed off a little bit, and radioed someone on a walkie-talkie attached to his belt.

"What is happening to me…?" Jack thought as the car rounded a corner and slowed to a stop.

Jack was staring at his scuffed boots, so he did not react at first when the car halted itself off the roadside of a large beach surrounded by film equipment, maintenance men and actors.

The man with the clipboard (whom I've decided to name "Gerard") had already exited the vehicle and walked over to the other side of the car. He tapped on the glass to get "Johnny's" attention.

"Hey! Johnny! Let's go!" a muffled cry came from behind the glass. Jack looked up briefly, only to do a double-take afterwards.

"OH MY GOD!!!" he yelled, plastering himself to the glass of the car window.

There, reposed on the beach's soft sand was Jack's heart: the only tangible thing he ever sought solace from in dark hours. And it was precisely what he needed in this dark hour. The words escaped from his mouth promptly and zealously.

"THE PEARL!!!!"

Now, as the reader, if you believe that I would make Jack do something melodramatic and emotional… like, y'know, run along the beach in slow-motion and, like, have him sail off into the sunset with the prop ship and never bother Johnny Depp again, well than you're sadly mistaken… (and probably high to think I would write something stupid like that).

Jack jammed his elbow into the glass of the car window into it shattered, and leaped through the window.

"AUGH!!!!" Gerard yelled. "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE CAR!!"

Jack was too busy tripping over sand, scrambling towards the ship, to pay any attention to the man.

He ran up to the hull, embraced it and kissed it.

"I'll never leave you again, Baby!!" yelled Jack, passionately making out with the side of the ship.

Many on-lookers couldn't help but-literally- drop what they were doing and stare: they knew Johnny Depp was weird… but not insane.

Keira, Orlando, and Geoffrey Rush (of whom Jack did not see) all stared at Jack as he expressed his feelings toward his beloved ship.

"Hey, is Johnny alright?" Geoffrey said, leaning over toward Orlando.

"I'm not sure…"

Geoffrey decided to go up and talk to him, followed by Keira and Orlando. Their actions were compassionate, yet completely stupid considering whom they was dressed as.

Geoffrey tapped Jack on the back.

"Um, Johnny?"

Jack ceased his love-making to turn towards the three.

"Johnny? Are you okay?" Geoffrey Rush said, again.

Jack's eyes widened, and he stepped backwards, against the ship before crying:

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!"

The three actors exchanged confused looks and Jack came uncomfortably close to Geoffrey's face.

"I get it: this probably isn't the REAL Pearl… and YOOOOOOOOOU aren't the real Barbossa: just like THESE two imposters HERE!!!" Jack pointed to Orlando and Keira.

"Ooooooh, but I'm onto you guys: I see through your disguises!!! You don't' even LOOK like Barbossa!"

Jack smiled before quickly saying:

"But I don't wanna' take any chances." Jack kicked Geoffrey in the crotch.

"GAAAAH!!!" yelled Geoffrey.

When some people noticed ol' Geffy lying on the sand, Keira slapping Jack, and Jack screaming like a little girl, they immediately ran over to see what was going on.

"Hey, hey, hey- what's going on here?" said a woman, with her long hair pulled back.

"I'M CRAZY!!!! C-R-A-Z-E!!!! CRAZY!!!"

"Johnny, that's not how you spell "crazy"."

"MY POINT EXACTLY!!!" Jack yelled.

"Johnny, come on- we gotta' scene to shoot, so if you could just cooperate-"

"WEREN'T YOU JUST LISTENING!?!? MY HEAD HURTS!!! I WANT TO REST!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAFFLES ARE!!!" Jack said, holding his head.

Gerard automatically rushed over to the long-haired woman and whispered something into her ear. She slowly pulled her hands off her hips.

"Oh." The woman said, looking up at Jack. "Alright."

Gerard grabbed Jack by the wrist and started leading him towards the car Jack broke the window of.

"Hey? Where are we going?" Jack asked as he tripped over his own foot. "Whad'jya say to that woman?" Jack became sleepier by the second, for a reason unapparent to him.

"I told her you needed a little, break- and we are going to do some other scene for now, while you relax in your trailer, okay?"

Jack nodded slightly, looking once again at his boots as they entered the car. Jack rest his head into his hands and slowly cradled it, back and forth.

"Ugh…mood swings, dizziness, stupidity… this isn't like me- well, not this seriously. God, what is wrong with my head? Ugh… I need a- "

Jack pulled his head up and inhaled deeply: they were near his trailer. As the man helped him onto his feet, Jack slowly walked up the steps to the trailer and slammed it behind him and into Gerard's face.

Jack fiercely searched Johnny's trailer in hopes of finding what he believed was the answer to alllllllllll his problems.

It was almost heavenly when he stumbled upon it: a small refrigerator of thigh-height. It was not locked, and it was not hidden. It was chrome with a tiny post-it note on it that said, in capital letters: "INSPIRATION"

Jack wrapped his fingers, one-by-one around the handle and slowly pulled open the door.

Jack looked toward the cabinet his hostage was kept, soundly "asleep".

"Love ya', mate." Jack said, as he grabbed as many bottles of rum as he could and set them down on the table adjacent.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: WILL Jack finally kill Johnny Depp!? WILL Jack be better now that he's intoxicated!? WILL Geoffrey Rush recover from that crotch-kick!? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE ANSWERS!!!!!