Authors Note:
Thank you so much. You are really lovely! It makes fun (even it's also hard sometimes) to write this story and I'm thankful for your reviews!!!
Here's another Chapter… but this time in Callies POV. I guess it's necessary and magnificent to write it in this view. And I love writing in First person narrator. I just couldn't help!
So let me know what you think of it…
Should I continue with First Person narrator or should I choose in the third person narrator again??
At the end of the Chapter there will be a decision for you to make. But that's later!! Now Enjoy Chapter 14! The song is "Ain't gonna lose you" by Brett Dennen… Amazing song!
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Chapter 14 - Ain't gonna lose you
There's a proverb that says you realize what you had when it's long gone.
I never listened to those sayings, instead I laughed about them. I don't need such wisdoms to live my life. Until now I never gave a shit about them.
But now everything has changed, hasn't it?
My life changed within a few hours and instead of staying at home with her in my arms, watching a few movies we always wanted to watch together I'm sitting here on the cold ground and the wall is supporting my back. I would fall without any support. I would fall and never come back.
The saying is right. Now I realize what I may lose when she is leaving. I realize what I had with her and I hate myself for letting her down so many times when everything she did was fighting for us, being there for me, staying even I showed her the back of my head.
But all I had with her was pure. It was more than I thought I'd deserve in my life. She has become my life before I could do anything against it. And this time I don't want to do anything against; instead I want her to be there. Forever.
you can put a stick in my spokes
I can be the butt of your jokes
I can be the laughing stock
I can be the hoax
but I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose you
When I was sitting there with the head in my hands, because I was crying again, I realized what she has done to me. I remember the times we sat in her apartment, laughing out loud because of some jokes I was telling her to cheer her up after an exhausting day.
I did everything when she was exhausted and I knew she saw the tiny coffins again. Every time she opened the apartment door I could see it in her eyes.
I could read her eyes and she could read mine.
It was something we learned really fast. And sometimes we were just sitting on the couch; she was sitting across from me, our legs entwined, and neither of us talked. We were just looking at each other, until I opened my mouth to kiss her salty tears away.
I know she hates it to cry in front of me, because she doesn't want to seem weak, but she's also too sweet and caring, she is too emotional to not cry. And every time that happened I kissed her tears away, before I kissed her lips. It was a slow and tender kiss to let her know I was there and that I understood what she was going through; even I couldn't imagine the dimension of her pain.
I first realized how hard it was for her to loose one of her patient when she was crying in front of me while we had a dinner.
It should have been a romantic dinner. Just her and me on our first anniversary. She has been a part of my life for 10 months and it felt like an eternity already. I talked to Christina, who slept at Meredith's afterwards and I told Arizona to come over after she has finished her work.
When I opened the door I welcome her with a kiss and a happy "Hey! I'm glad you made it!"
She smiled and talked to me like every time. But I could see it in her eyes, I could feel it in the way she kissed me, I could hear it how she spoke. It was strange for me, because I never knew anyone so well except of my sisters with whom I grow up.
But with her it felt different, it feel different.
I know what she's thinking, I know when something's wrong. I can tell it by the way she's walking and her curls are moving.
And that evening there wasn't anything bouncy or happy in her way. I know she was pretending, because it was our day. It was our anniversary and she wanted it to be perfect.
But when we was eating and I told her some new hospital news and I looked her in the eyes intentionally I couldn't take it.
I laid my spoon aside and looked at her.
"What's wrong, Ari?" I asked her softly. I didn't want to sound rude. But I couldn't take it. I needed to know, because it couldn't wait until tomorrow. Not for me and not for her. When I first recognized that she was dreaming about tiny coffins, because she jolted awake in her sleep breathlessly, I knew it was something important. Something seriously.
And I couldn't play a game now, just to satisfy me, to have a nice evening with my girlfriend when she was looking, feeling and acting like that.
Then she started to cry. She started to cry silent tears, until her mouth formed painful sobs.
I didn't know what to do.
I couldn't do anything because I was frozen in my tracks.
Instead I waited for her and finally she told me the story of a little girl.
Her name was Bonnie.
Oh god yes… her name was Bonnie…
She told me how she tried to save her life for a long time now. She was so desperate, because she has build up a connection with the small girl. I'd like to tell her she should stop building connection. I wanted to scream it in her face, because I couldn't bear her looking like that. But that was also something I loved so much about her.
Then she told me there wasn't a real chance for her to survive. She was trying another treatment, but she knew it wouldn't work. Of course she hoped. But somehow she felt it wouldn't end well. When her sobs filled the room and she didn't stop I knew I couldn't take her pain completely away, but I could try.
I was standing up, kneeling down beside her.
I whipped a few tears away and said honestly:" You know, a beautiful girl like you shouldn't cry… because you look damn sexy when you're smiling…"
And she laughed through her tears. She lifted her hand and stroked my cheek firmly.
"I love you…" She told me, right before she moved her lips to my ear.
"I need you so much, Calliope…" Then she kissed me, and I didn't hesitate. I kissed her firmly on the lips before I kissed her neck. I could feel fresh tears on my own face and my own neck.
She was still crying softly, whispering "I'm sorry…" over and over again.
She thought she destroyed our night, but she wasn't.
It was one of the most beautiful nights in my life, because I knew she was a part of me. Completely. She has given herself up that night in my arms completely and her whimpers and moans are repeating in my head over and over again just like her lips, purring, screaming, and saying my name.
I was the only one who could touch her the way I did and I was the only one who could take her pain away. And my heart ached for being there for her again. I would be the one who would take her pain away again. Now and Then and Forever.
they can come and tear my house down
they can run me out of town
they can tie me up, call me a clown
but I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose you
When I was a little child I thought my dad was a hero. When I grow old, he still was, because he did everything for me. He gave me everything he could give me and I never had to think about my future, because I know he would be there for me.
Family in general was something I needed and it was hard enough to go to Seattle without seeing them as often as I did when I was still living with them in one house.
But I was able to talk to them each week; I could visit them whenever I wanted and got the time. We spent the holidays together whenever I could take free and I loved to stay with them.
I loved to stay with them as long as I was accepted. As long as I was straight.
But when they realized, like me, that I wasn't, my life changed completely.
Isn't it crazy how fast you can loose everything? Isn't it crazy that within hours, or days, your life seem so complicated and not liveable?
From then, from the moment Arizona reached out for my fathers hand to shake it, my life was far from ordinary.
First I thought he would accept it. Of course he would have to, because I'm his daughter. Well, I thought wrong. Apparently that wasn't reason enough.
And I was so stupid to run away. I ran away in the false direction. Instead of giving myself up in her arms to believe in love and life the next day, because she made me believe in miracles again, I ran away from her as fast as possible.
I put the blame on her, because I couldn't believe it was me that they were out casting.
I stayed in my room or I worked the shit out of my body, until I was even too weak to walk. Exhausted from working and crying. Both some things I was really good at.
I was crying because they let me down, my family let me down, one after the other. And I was crying because she wasn't with me.
I told Arizona that it was over after a long day in the ER. I told her she should go to hell, when she was trying to comfort me. All because I couldn't handle the situation.
I pushed her away so roughly with my words, all because my heart was aching. I told her she should leave alone forever, because I couldn't look her in the eyes. I didn't tell her that I was seeing myself in them and that's what scared me off so much.
I tried to hide who I was to get a part of my family again.
But when I was looking into her eyes I was seeing someone else, someone who was happy, loved, beautiful, finally strong again and gay.
When she came to me in the small corridor where I tried to get some sleep and tried to take me into her arms, I pushed her away. I pushed her away with all the strength I got and she impinged on the cold and hard wall. She screamed out in pain and I was shocked, I hated myself for hurting her that much. I hated myself for it the same moment it happened.
She looked at me like she saw a monster in front of her eyes. I wanted to say something but no words left my mouth and so I was just starring at her. Minutes passed when I just saw her, crying in front of me and then she looked at me a last time, before she left me.
She left me and I thought it'd be the last time I'd see her again.
In the same night I reached for her in my restless slumber and I realized she wasn't the guilty one. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. It was my father's fault. But not hers.
It was ten o'clock in the evening and my shift has just ended two hours ago, but I knew she was already finished with hers. So I slipped in a pair of jeans and grabbed for my car keys, because I knew I had to make things right.
I couldn't loose her. That's all I knew in this moment. I needed to apologize. I needed to tell her how much she meant to me and that I need her.
I was scared she would never forgive me and I would understand. Oh god, yes, I would understand if she was never going to talk to me. But when I was opening the door she was standing there in front of me with her eyes red and swollen.
I couldn't say anything, nothing bright, nothing important.
Instead a single "Why" left my mouth and I really didn't know why she was here when I was the biggest asshole in the world who hurted her not willingly, but she got still hurt.
"Because you need me. Because I know you didn't want to hurt me. Because I know you. Because you can't push me away. Because I will be there, always, no matter what you are saying and no matter how hard you are going to try to make me go away. I won't, because I need you. I need you so much and I… I love you. And because of that you will let me in. You will let me into your apartment and into your mind and more important into your heart. Because I'll stay here as long as you push me away. I won't go, you understand? Because there are a thousand reasons why I can't leave. Like your mouth, they way you kiss me…"
While she is speaking tears were welling up in my eyes. I can't believe how I deserved her, how an angel, someone beautiful like her, like her pure and magnificent soul was able to fall in love with my broken one. I couldn't believe this was really happening. But when she was raising her hand to my face, touching my lips with her fingers I know this was reality. This was and still is love.
"… I love how you make my knees weak like my mind whenever you're touching me. I love the way you moving, the way you look, they way you cry, because you love. You do love. You are able to love. You're not the bad ass Ortho you think you are, Calliope. You just need to let me in finally. You need to let me love you…"
She was coming nearer, her forehead resting on mine and I close my eyes when the sensual game is starting. Our lips are not touching yet, but she's making me crazy with her lips touching my face, kissing me the sweetest way, and I can feel her breathe on my face and Goosebumps are beginning to rise. Our heads are touching, while her lips are touching my ear softly.
"Oh god…I wish you know how you make me feel…" She whispered into my ears.
"You just need to let me in… I beg you… Calliope please let me in…" And with that I couldn't hold myself back, because I needed to feel her, I needed to taste her and so my lips found hers. I dragged her into my apartment, into my room, into my bed and we had sex.
No, we made love. We were celebrating our love so many times in this night.
It was the night I let her in completely.
And with that I finally realized that nothing mattered.
I could loose everything, if I only had her. She was everything I needed back then, now and forever.
Isn't it strange how many roles she took?
She was my best friend, the first person I was falling completely for, the woman I loved, my first real girlfriend, my saviour and my family.
She was, and she is still everything.
they can make me turn my back on my friends
and send me away to San Quentin
put me in the hold a thousand times again
oh I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose you
throw me in the hurricane
tell the whole world I gone insane
run an electric shock to my brain
but I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose you
I can't stand the thought of another man and I sing it from my rooftop
no I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna
I sing it from the bus stop
sing it on the street, drunk, to a cop
oh I ain't gonna lose you
no I ain't gonna lose
ain't gonna lose you
The more I sat here, the more I felt like I was dying, because all my life would go with her.
Because she was my life and my love and my salvation.
Once I heard a story, a Greek tale, I never forgot and it's still sticking in my head.
It says that there were people which looked completely different from us now.
All of them had two heads, four arms and four legs and they were living like that together. But of course, like it's only human, they made a mistake and they incurred the unlimited rage of Zeus. Because he was mad like hell he sent down thunderbolts and did the worst thing a god could do: He separated the humans, he divided them in two. From now on they were only having one head, two arms and two legs. They were divided and like their body, their souls were also divided in two parts. And because of this they were spending their whole life searching for their other part.
And we are still searching for that all life long.
I was searching, too. And oh god how hard I was searching until I found it suddenly. I found it in the dirty bathroom of a bar.
Arizona is my second part. The one I want to spend my life with and then when I realized it, it was almost too late. I regret that there wasn't a thought about it earlier. I regret that she isn't already my wife. I regret so many things and all of them are things I haven't done with her yet. Things I need to do with her, until we are old and gray.
I need her to stay alive. I need her so much… so much.
ain't gonna lose you
ain't gonna lose
gonna lose you
gonna lose
Suddenly I heard someone harrumphing and I looked up immediately. And I saw them standing in front of me, all of them.
All I could do was looking at them and a whisper left my mouth.
"Please…"
I solicited them to tell me everything is fine.
I solicited them to tell me I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her.
But their eyes were saying many things, but not the things I wanted to hear, not the things I wanted to listen to.
It reminded me of a song Arizona listened to after a long day.
She is listening to it when she lost one of her patients. She listened to it, whenever she's down there, in the dark. But this time the lines are repeating in my head over and over again.
"No one laughs at God in a hospital… No one laughs at God when the doctor calls
After some routine tests… No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door
And they say "We've got some bad new, sir,"…"
Yes, they were here to give me bad news, and I didn't know if I was able to listen to them. But I remained still, tears were leaving my eyes and I wondered how many tears I could cry before I would be dried. Then I heard him; it was Sheppard who said it, because no one else was able to.
"Dr. Torres… There's something we need to tell you…"
That's when I closed my eyes to see her one last time, before my world, my heart and my soul drifted away and everything turned black.
2. Authors Note:
Okay, my buddy's, now it's your turn to decide. I have a few ideas to end/continue this story, but you are the readers and it will be all yours. Now you need to choose and I really hope you make the right decision.
Okay… here it goes…
First one or a)
I want this to end… now… I want my happy end, cause you kept me long enough in line!
Second one or b)
I want this to end, now… But no happy end, cause I'm a masochist and I want everyone to hate me.
Third one or c)
It'd be SUPER cool to read more, cause […]… just continue!!!
Fourth one or d)
End this and write another story.
Fifth one or e)
Keep it up and write another story later or parallel if you could.
Sooooo… decide wisely!!! Of course there are a few options.
But just to let you know what I had in my little head…
Another story I could wrote should be called "The City of Angeles"…
Yeaaah, ab-solut-ely right!
A Calzona story based on the fantastic–I–cried-the-whole-night-after-watching-that-romantic movie with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage.
When I saw it I couldn't get Callie and Arizona out of my mind and I thought about how sexy Callie would look in that Seth/Angel dress =D She would be a beautiful angle and it would be a great storyline with them…
But because I guess there will never be a "Calzona – City of Angels – Remake" in the cinemas I thought about writing it instead!
So let me know what your heart is asking for.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
You really can't guess how much your reviews mean to me.
And of course…
HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY FRIENDS!!! :-)
Hopefully we are going to see us here in the New Year again!
I'm ab-solut-ely looking forward to it.
All my Love & best Wishes to you
-Sun