A/N: Hi guys :) Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm currently on vacation, so I apologize for any delays in updates. Here's something angsty to go with your dinner.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

May 11th, 2012

11:00 p.m.

We're laying in my backyard.

My greatest mistake is looking up at the stars with one hand brushing through the grass and the other stroking over the slip of exposed skin below her shirt. Liquid diamond teardrops fall from the corner of her eyes, slide down her temple and disappear into her hairline.

There's a bitterness in my stomach that stings my tongue. I don't know where it comes from, just that it debilitates me. There's a stillness in the air which ensues a dull panic subdued by Bella's impassiveness, and maybe that's the only thing holding me to the earth right now.

My jaw begins to ache from the building pressure between my clenched teeth, and I can feel the sourness of suppressed tears spreading to my cheeks. Looking up at rare cloudless night sky and feeling soft winds brush against the hairs on my arm, I unlock my jaw and breathe through my mouth.

With a four leaf clover pinched between her thumb and forefinger and her left hand stroking over the place where life grows, Bella turns her head enough to look at me and blows a sigh through her lips.

"My mom doesn't want me to, but she told me it's my choice...it doesn't hurt. It's only a few minutes, and then that's it. It's over."

I don't dare try to move or speak. This hurts too fucking much.

Bella has always been on birth control. That night we met, she had took two missed days' worth: one for the move here from Chicago, and one for that Friday. After taking a shot of Jaeger, Bella lost Thursday, Friday, and Saturday down the toilet without her knowledge.

And then we made a life.

"Just like that," Bella says. Who she thinks she's talking to, I have not one fucking clue. This girl looks as confused and fucked up as I do.

I don't comment, because I don't have the slightest idea what to say.

Don't have my abortion?

I don't fucking think so.

It doesn't matter what I say, this much I'm sure of... There's nothing I can take back or save, nothing I can say at this moment to take back what's happening.

This is irreversible.

This doesn't make any sense, and it makes total sense.

There's nothing I single-handedly can do about this because this is the ultimate motherfucking fuck-up. I didn't choose to get myself into this, and I don't get to choose a way out.

She holds the reigns for this decision, and I think she makes it worse for herself every time she touches her stomach. She doesn't even realize she's doing it.

This is a life that we made. Brightside and I.

So why does this feel so far from a new beginning?

I know.

"Yeah," my voice cracks, dry and sour.

Of course I know.

"I'm sorry," she says.

We're two kids who're crazy and unfit. Brightside can't have a baby. She's too young. She's too dependent and immature. She doesn't know the first thing about the life inside her, and neither do I.

"I'm so sorry."

She's doing this because it's the right thing to do.

I nod, looking up at the stars and trying to spot constellations over blurring images.

"Yeah. Me too."

So why does this feel so fucking wrong?

"Edward."

Life is harsh.

"It was my mistake."

Bliss isn't endless, light doesn't always have a way of shining in, and even beginnings have to come to an end. She doesn't have to tell me, I know. I can feel it.

"Edward," her voice is pretty, soft, and just as inviting as it was the first time I heard it. Only now, I don't want to look up.

This doesn't have some happily ever after, we're sixteen.

I crane my neck and find the four-leaf clover she was twirling around her fingers moments ago perched on my shoulder while my eyes struggle to meet hers.

I don't need to try much longer because Bella wraps herself around me quicker than she did the first time I thought I was going to lose her. She wraps her hands in my hair and presses her lips against mine.

"Kiss me."

Her demand isn't ignored, because there's nothing much else I can do. She's taking from touches all that she can and giving kisses all she has to give, allowing me no time to respond and no space to reciprocate. I can't move, because she's trying to lose herself in me when I'm already lost so deep in my head.

There is no right option; they're all fucking wrong.

"Please," she reaches for the hem of her shirt and pulls it off.

Her bra is purple, with two black bows on it. I don't say anything this time.

I don't say much at all. Not when she takes her shorts off and slips her hand over mine. Not when I feel her tears sliding down my throat when she presses kisses along my collarbone. Not even when she says she's sorry again, and I can't respond because this hurts too much and feels too good for words.

I let her move over me as I place my hands in her hair and I try to get out of my own head.

I'm not here, in the moment. But neither is she.

Our bodies respond naturally to each other's touch, but our minds are elsewhere at this moment.

Nothing about this is patient, but I really don't see the value in trying.

Bella doesn't either.

We don't take our time, and we don't merely take as much from each other as we did the first time we made this mistake.

She lowers herself on me, and we both make involuntary sounds and movements.

It's hard.

Dirty, because we're lying in the fucking grass.

It's crazy, the worst and best thing.

It's desperate and fast, disgraceful and disgusting.

I keep thinking about new life.

I keep thinking about mistakes, and not knowing any other way out of this.

"Edward," my name is a desperate cry on her lips.

Bella's moan pulls me back.

For a second, I push it all out of my head. I don't think about life and new beginnings, mistakes and helplessness, or patience. There's a moment of blank space, an undisturbed void that allows me to just feel.

It's not merely enough, but it's just the slip of concentration I need to let go.

Bella's head falls against my chest and I pay attention to the rise and fall of her back as she breathes unevenly against me.

I finally look at her face, and it's just how I imagined. Tear-stained cheeks, lifeless eyes, lips parted and pouted in irremediable despair.

And I've never felt so fucking useless.

So I put her clothes back on and I kiss her cheeks. I take her hand and I lead her back into my room. Bella puts a Grouplove CD in and we listen to a happy song that isn't really happy. We crawl into my bed and I pick grass and clovers out of her hair, and she stops crying long enough to fall asleep. Her phone stays silent, and so do I.

I want to scream.

What the fuck do I do now?

Bella acts like this is simple. Girls have abortions all the time.

So why does this feel like an end?

A/N: *rebuilds tomato-resistant* alright, hit me.

This hurt to write. Sorry for making you miserable. I skipped over the whole "I'm pregnant" scene. I wrote it, and it didn't fit. We saw it coming, and I really didn't feel it was necessary to elaborate. If you disagree, I'm sorry.

There is no definite "This is how it happened", pregnancy just happens sometimes. If you don't think it's possible to get pregnant from a few missed doses, keep in mind that BC is not one-hundred percent effective.

But more on that, later. We will find out more about Bella and what's going on in her head, but not quite yet.

Until then...