Tsuna makes small talk by revealing bits of his nightmare inducing past.

Chapter 14: The Neighbor Listens With a Smile

Xanxus shot him a look and Yamaguchi's mind flailed in panic.

What should he say? What should he do? What course of action should he advise the boss to take?

How on earth did Squalo manage to put up with this sort of thing? Truly, he was the epitome of what a right-hand man should be despite the fact that he wasn't even halfway through his teen years yet.

The little boy was still holding out his spoon and based on prior experience Yamaguchi would be more surprised if Tsunayoshi didn't tip forward and upend his ice cream bowl. He had to do something before this very likely misfortune happened.

Then he had an epiphany. Picking up the gold tray, he quickly scribbled out his message on the bottom with the black permanent marker that he whipped out from his pocket.

Boss! Do whatever it takes to complete the mission!

He held it high and prayed that things would go well. (And that Tsuna wouldn't turn around because never mind if the child couldn't read, it was suspicious no matter how you looked at it.)

Xanxus narrowed his eyes as he read it then flicked them to the glob of sweetness that was slowly oozing off the spoon.

Tsuna tried to do his best to convey that it was really really good with an encouraging smile. It reminded Xanxus of a shark circling in anticipation of a meal. Albeit a cute cuddly one. Like a plushie.

He chomped onto the spoon like a voracious (and possibly rabid) beast, determined to wipe out the mental images.

The boy beamed in delight.

Yes!

If it wasn't beneath him (and completely inappropriate), at that moment Yamaguchi would have punched the air in victory. Instead he hid the tray behind his back when Tsuna turned to smile at him next.

"Butler-san! Would you like a bite too?"

Cold sweat broke out on the back of Yamaguchi's neck.

So this is what the phrase 'to kill with kindness' means…

"No thank you. I don't eat sweets very often anymore."

"Why not?"

"I get cavities very easily even though I brush my teeth all the time. My dentist will be very angry if he has to see me again this year."

In fact, he threatened to pull out all my teeth one by one whether they have cavities or not and make me wear them as a necklace.

Ironically, he didn't have to fumble for an excuse. The Varia's private dentist was a terrifying older man (but not quite as old as the Ninth) whose specialty was assassinating his targets with an array of dental supplies and Yamaguchi didn't mean those tiny metal picks or teeth drills (although he used those too). He meant the man garroted his victims with a specially made dental floss that was as strong as piano wire or forcefully brushed their teeth with poisoned toothpaste leaving the body dead, but with a minty fresh mouth. He had since retired from active duty and was now in charge of monitoring the oral hygiene of a castle full of cutthroat assassins. That wasn't to say that he quit the business entirely, but missions were rarely assigned, much less mandatory for him anymore.

Xanxus did not look happy. Whether at the reminder of said Varia dentist (who it was rumored that not even Tyr would dare to antagonize) or at the fact that Yamaguchi had a legitimate reason to not eat the ice cream.

Tsuna did not look happy either. Rather he looked terrified and Yamaguchi was struck with the sudden realization that he might have ended up traumatizing the poor boy before his boss did.

"I-I'm sorry!" Tsunayoshi squeaked. "I'll never give you sweets again! I don't want the dentist to be mad at you. They're really scary." He shuddered. "This one time, I went into the wrong room and saw the dentist was screaming at somebody for not brushing his teeth and letting them get rotten. The man was screaming too but it sounded different because his face was all fat and puffy. He was trying to run away, but the dentist had tied him to the chair. His arms and legs and his belly and his neck were all tied down."

Are you sure you weren't witnessing an assassination instead?

"What happened next?"

Is the boss trying to make small talk?

Yamaguchi blinked. Xanxus actually seemed interested in young Tsunayoshi's rather disturbing story.

"Oh. I got caught. The dentist looked up right before he was going to poke that metal toothpick, the curved one on a stick, in the man's mouth and asked me what was I doing. Then a huuuugggeee spider came down from the ceiling in front of his face and he screamed and threw the toothpick and the man on the chair caught it with his leg. It was close to his hand too and he ripped it out and blood came out from his leg but he used the toothpick to pull a knife from his pocket and cut himself free while the dentist was still screaming because the spider was on his shirt.

Then the man took out a plastic bottle from his other pocket and dumped it out on the dentist and it turned out to be lots of cockroaches."

This…this is like something out of a B-rated horror movie...

"And then he ran out of the room yelling 'Frrrrreeeedooommmm', but his teeth were still hurting, so it sounded more 'Wrrrrreeeeegoooonnnnggg' and there was still blood all down his pants. The dentist was still screaming because now he had a huge spider and lots of cockroaches on him. One of them flew off and landed on my face and it felt really weird and icky so I screamed too. Then I threw it back at him and ran away and that's why I think cockroaches are super duper scary now."

…Is the boss…is the boss laughing?

Sure enough Xanxus's shoulders were trembling with effort to hide his amusement.

The boss is laughing! He-he's actually laughing!

Yamaguchi struggled to tear his eyes away before he was caught, but he was pretty sure his heart had skipped more than a few beats. Or stopped. This was more than incredible. This was a miracle. Xanxus rarely smiled to begin with and after The Incident no one really expected him to do so ever again. Truly, Sawada Tsunayoshi was a blessing disguised as an external heart attack.

Boss…

Yamaguchi valiantly tried to hold back his tears. Luckily, Tsuna was there to unintentionally assist with that as well.

"I don't like going to the hospital either because that's when I found out what a bat was and how scary they are. Last time…"

…

Yamaguchi never realized just how much pity he could feel for anyone who had grown up having a pretty easy civilian life until this very moment. He eyed his slightly smiling (and what a terrifying sight it was) boss and twitched. At least somebody was finding this funny.

The Varia dental assassin OC might become more than a cameo someday. I'll need to come up with something appropriately disturbing about him as being a successful Varia member for as long as he has, he's bound to have picked up quite a few quirks. Something worse than being a killer dentist. He's no pedo or creeper though. Just scary.

Yamaguchi is just one of those unfortunate people who are genetically predisposed to getting cavities easily even though he brushes after every meal. As such he's very careful about his diet.

Sword Emperor Tyr-in case anyone doesn't remember this guy, he's the former Varia leader before losing (and dying) to Squalo. He's still the boss here and will be making appearances later on.