A/N: Uhmmm so this chapter kind of got away from me XD And is now the longest so far. Not sure how that happened but yeah XD It ran away with me at the end and I'm not sure how it turned out because I'm kinda loopy due to fighting this headache, soooo yeahhh... it might be ramble-y or something, I don't know. Let me know what you think? :D

Onward!

Chapter Fourteen

Those people lost ten years of their lives.

It was unfathomable to him. Where would he be without he last ten years? Probably taking Red Sand somewhere. Those poor people… not only did they lose ten years of their lives, but they woke to a world with Reapers on the verge of taking everyone out, unless they stopped them.

How could Leviathan have that kind of power? They speculated it was also a Reaper since it had the ability of indoctrination and whatnot. That just made this mission all the more confusing, because they were willingly chasing after a damn Reaper. Why? In the pursuit of killing other Reapers.

It's crazy.

There was a whir as the door behind him opened. He stood from the couch and smiled at Shepard.

"Hey," he said.

"Kaidan," Shepard said in greeting.

"I keep thinking about those people."

"Yeah… so do I." The commander shook his head sadly. "They're in for a hell of a shock. A lot has changed in the past ten years."

"Have you ever seen anything like that?" Kaidan asked, sighing. "It feels good to help those people get their lives back. Ten years is… a lot of lost time."

A lot. I didn't even know you ten years ago.

He swallowed, averting his gaze toward the ground. "Let's make sure we never let time just… slip by us. Okay?"

A hand landed on his shoulder and he looked up.

"We won't," Shepard said quietly.

Kaidan nodded. "Uh, right. Anyway. Any word on the Citadel?"

They were heading back there to check on the artifact, since that seemed to be the Leviathan's source of power. They were also going to look for any information regarding Bryson's daughter, Ann.

They were still a ways out, though.

Shepard's hand dropped back to his side. "C-Sec went to investigate. They said everything seems fine. They put up a barrier around the artifact just in case."

Kaidan nodded. "Good."

At least they're taking this seriously.

"Before I go yell at Garrus," Shepard said slowly, narrowing his eyes at him, "was it you that sicked Chawkwas on me?"

Kaidan smiled sheepishly. "Uh, yeah. Sorry."

"Damn it. Why? Do you know how many unwanted needles were shoved into my skin?"

Kaidan chuckled. One would have thought they would have found simpler ways these days, and they usually did, but they saved that equipment for serious cases, not mild check ups after missions. Old fashioned needles it was, then.

"Sorry about that, Ryan."

"You told on me."

"You're not a kid."

"You tattle tell."

"Wow, who even still says that?"

Shepard rolled his eyes. "So not the point, Kaidan. You're on clean up duty with James."

"Fine. I like cleaning."

Shepard blinked. "You do?"

No.

"Yes."

"You're messing with me. No one likes cleaning."

"You'd be surprised," Kaidan said, smirking. "So, what did Chakwas say?"

"No more biotics for a while," Shepard muttered like a little kid being punished by his mom. Kaidan couldn't help the laugh that escaped him, even as Shepard tossed him a glare. "I hate you. I blame you for this."

"Hey, you should have listened to her the first time."

"You shouldn't have told on me!"

"Then start listening," Kaidan said with a shrug. "It's that simple."

As punishment for 'tattling' on him, Shepard left Kaidan on the Normandy while he and EDI went to Bryson's lab. They wound up learning useful data, though Kaidan was worried to learn that the assistant was in a vegetative state and it was not thought he would ever regain consciousness. Leviathan basically killed him without being anywhere near him, because Hadley tried to answer their questions.

This thing was powerful, and they were hunting it. He really didn't like this.

The search through Bryson's lab revealed Ann Bryson's location, and that was where they were heading now.

Shepard and EDI put up a barrier of sorts around the artifact to shield the Citadel from its affects, but Kaidan wondered if they might have been too late. For all they knew the artifact already had someone else under control. It was thought continued exposure to these artifacts left the person more susceptible to Leviathan's control.

That was… disconcerting.

He found Shepard in the war room, looking at his war assets, calculating the strength of the war. So far they seemed to actually be holding their own and winning in key locations, but it was only a matter of time before the Reaper forces managed to push them back. If they backed off an inch they would take a mile, everyone knew. Time was of the essence here, but then again, wasn't it always?

No matter what they did, there was never enough time. They went from mission to mission, always working, always shooting and helping people. Helping people in need was good – Kaidan didn't mind that. What he did mind was the lack of anything resembling a personal life on this ship.

Liara was always collecting information as the new Shadow Broker – and he really needed to remember to ask her to tell him that story. Garrus was constantly calibrating the guns or checking reports on Palaven. Tali was always running tests on the engine systems or sending data back to her people on Rannoch. Cortez seemed rather eager to not relax and have a personal life, always finding something to do down in the shuttle bay. Knowing the man's backstory left Kaidan understanding the man's desire to not have time to think, because then he would remember. Kaidan himself had been like that years ago, back when the Normandy SR-1 exploded, destroying the life he knew.

Everyone here had something to do all the time. He understood it, of course. The war was more important than anything else at the moment, but if they didn't take a little time now and then to just be human – or asari or turian or whatever – then the Reapers had already won, right?

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan blinked, snapped out of his thoughts. He'd been standing in the background, waiting for Shepard to finish. Now the commander stood in front of him, arms folded across his chest, brow quirked as he watched him.

"Something you need?" Shepard asked.

"Not really," Kaidan admitted. "Just wanted to see how things were going. Are we sure the barrier will hold? Shouldn't we move that artifact somewhere else?"

Yes. Jump right back into work.

"It'll hold," Shepard said confidently, and that was that.

Kaidan nodded, trusting him. Shepard knew the dangers of the artifact – he wouldn't leave it on the Citadel if he thought the barrier wouldn't hold.

"Walk with me," Shepard said, walking out of the room. Kaidan followed after him. "We found Ann."

"I heard," Kaidan said as they walked through the small security gate one had to go through when leaving and exiting the war room.

"She also found an artifact."

Kaidan frowned. "That's not good. Do you think she's herself?"

"I don't know, but we've got to try. I'm not leaving her there."

They stepped into the elevator and took it down to deck three, entering the mess.

Kaidan's stomach growled. It had been a while since he last had anything to eat. How long? He thought it was probably the ramen, that was the last he ate anything. That was probably the last time Shepard ate, too.

"We'll need to do a food supply run soon," Shepard said as he looked through the refrigerator, pulling out some sliced ham and cheese.

He made a couple sandwiches and handed one to Kaidan, who accepted it with a nod of thanks. The commander turned, leaning his back against the counter as he ate his sandwich.

The two ate in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"What are your thoughts on the Leviathan?" Shepard asked once they were finished, both now sitting at the table.

Kaidan shrugged and shook his head. "I don't trust it, but I can see why it would be important to find it. I just hope we're ready."

"We're being careful," Shepard said. "We'll just have to hope that's enough."

"Okay," Kaidan said on the shuttle ride down to the planet they thought Ann Bryson was on, "so we have reports that this dig site was under attack, right?"

Shepard nodded with a sigh. "Yeah. The Reapers are one step ahead of us."

And that's definitely not good.

They were hunting a Reaper killer, after all. Of course the Reapers didn't like it.

"We need to pick up the pace. Since Bryson's daughter is our only lead, our objective is clear."

Kaidan nodded.

Save her, at any cost.

"If she's down there she hasn't responded to our hails," Cortez said somewhat worriedly from the front of the shuttle, pressing various buttons as he checked the readings and everything.

He was a good pilot and knew what he was doing. Kaidan trusted him to let them know as soon as he knew anything.

Shepard always makes a good crew.

"Getting some strange signals," Cortez said a moment later. "Give me a minute."

Kaidan sat quietly in the back of the shuttle, next to Garrus. Shepard, as always, was standing in the center, hand up against the wall to brace himself against the slight sway the shuttle brought with it.

"That artifact she recovered could be causing trouble," Garrus said. "We've already seen what they can do."

"Agreed," Shepard said. "Take us in closer, Cortez."

Complete the job. At any cost.

"Copy that," Cortez said, and the shuttle jolted slightly. Shepard staggered but remained standing. Kaidan wondered why the man never just sat like a normal person.

"What do we know about this place?" he asked.

"Arid, windy, but habitable," Shepard said. "We should be fine."

"Alright, well, that's something at least. What do we know about Ann?"

"She worked closely with her father and knows something about what's happening. She sent him a message about how she thought the artifact could alter behavior, so at least she's semi-aware of the dangers."

"Good," Garrus said. "At least not everyone's in the dark all the time."

"Are we sure the one back at the Citadel isn't causing any problems?" Kaidan asked.

"As sure as we can be," Shepard replied.

Well, that has to be enough.

"We have hostiles!" Cortez said suddenly, dragging their attention back toward him.

"Take us in," Shepard commanded.

Kaidan pulled out his rifle and got to his feet.

"On the landing platform," Cortez said.

Great. They're waiting for us.

The shuttle door opened, revealing it flying past a building. People were inside, looking out the window toward them.

"That's her," Shepard said, and Kaidan looked from face to face before he recognized Ann Bryson from the others, having seen a picture of her before, when they'd been in Bryson's lab the first time.

Static came through the systems. Ann was trying to contact them but was having little luck. Something seemed to be interfering.

"Okay," Shepard said, "let's get-"

The shuttle lurched to the side quickly, causing everyone to go tumbling toward the exit. Kaidan threw himself to the side, hitting the wall instead of the opening, and Garrus did the same. Shepard managed to somehow fall in the opposite direction, now sitting on the bench, looking mildly confused as he got to his feet.

"Harvesters," Cortez growled, dodging said hostiles.

I really hate Harvesters.

They were large, took forever to kill, were very powerful, and had freaking wings.

"Get us over there," Shepard said.

"Negative," Cortez replied quickly. "It's too hot."

We can't just leave them to die!

"I'll take you to the lower platform," Cortez said. "Hang on!"

The shuttle lurched again as they neared the lower platform, but Cortez couldn't stop the shuttle for them to get out.

"Jump!" Shepard said.

Kaidan took in a breath and jumped, landing on the platform without much trouble. Garrus slammed into his back, causing him to go tumbling forward, going to his knees in the effort to remain upright. Shepard stood next to him, looking down at him, quirking a brow.

The man is a damn cat.

Always landed on his feet, huh?

He stood and shot a glare at Garrus.

"You were in my way," Garrus said simply.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and then startled as a bullet whizzed past his head. "Get to cover!"

They hurried toward some boxes as cannibals appeared around the corner.

Just great.

They went through a lot of trouble to finally get to Ann. By the time they managed to get there, everyone was dead except her. They tried to run or help the others that were injured and got gunned down themselves.

Poor bastards.

"Where did everyone go?" Ann asked, kneeling next to one of her dead colleagues.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said, kneeling next to her. "They didn't make it. Doctor, I need you to come with me."

"Oh, God," Ann breathed, before she nodded, seemingly collecting herself. "Yes, of course."

Brave woman.

Kaidan checked the back doorway and found the area was clear, for now. He nodded his head in its direction and Shepard nodded, gesturing for Ann to head that way. They all walked through the back exit, guns ready for action.

Several harvesters could be seen in the air, flying away from them for the time being. Kaidan was just happy the harvesters weren't firing at them. There was no way they could take that many on at the same time, especially right now.

They continued out of the buildings and onto a dirt path which led around a cliff.

Shepard led the way, ducking behind cover as soon as he got around the corner. Kaidan and the others did so as well. There was the artifact, off in the distance. There was some kind of beam shooting out of it, connecting with a Reaper marauder, lifting it off the ground.

Well that can't be good.

"I was at another dig site when they attacked," Ann said quietly. "Got back as quick as I could, but…"

"We'll worry about that later," Shepard said.

"What's happening?" Ann asked.

"Hey," Kaidan said, gesturing at the artifact and the marauder because no one else seemed to have noticed it yet. "Look."

Shepard, Ann and Garrus turned their attention there finally.

From there Shepard's gaze wandered behind Kaidan. Kaidan turned to look to see that the wall he was using for cover was painted. There were stick figures of people fighting, and above it…

A Reaper?

"Is that Leviathan?" Shepard asked.

"Yes," Ann said, "we think so. Definitely a Reaper, but acting alone."

I'm not sure I like the sound of that.

"Not like any Reaper we've seen before," Ann said, almost in awe.

They looked back at the artifact.

"I'm certain it affects people," she said.

"We can vouch for that," Kaidan said, sharing a glance with Shepard.

"I did learn something about the energy it generates," she said, looking back at the glowing artifact.

"What are they doing?" Shepard asked.

"They've… activated it somehow," Ann said, frowning. "I've never managed anything that…"

"Doctor?" Kaidan asked, frowning at her abrupt silence.

She didn't answer. Instead she moved forward, toward Shepard who stood ahead of them. Her gaze was flat and focused on the artifact.

A familiar chill crawled through his skin and he growled beneath his breath.

"Shepard," he growled, causing Shepard to nod and lightly grab Ann's arm, stopping her from going any further.

Not what I meant, but okay.

"The darkness must not be breached," Ann said, voice flat and empty like Hadley's had been, like that guy pretending to be Garneau.

"Take that thing out," Shepard growled, struggling to hold onto Ann as she fought against him, trying to move toward the artifact.

Kaidan wasted no time in drawing his weapon and shooting the hell out of that artifact. Once it exploded Ann stopped struggling, taking a step backward, turning to look at Shepard in confusion.

"You okay?" Shepard asked, watching her, hand still on her arm. She shook her head, sinking to her knees, blinking rapidly. "Cortez," the commander said into the comm link, "we have Ann Bryson. We're ready for pick up."

Yeah, let's get out of here.

"On my way, Commander," Cortez replied quickly.

"Copy that," Shepard said, before looking back at Ann, who was getting to her feet again. "You see the shuttle, you run. Don't look back. Understood?"

She nodded slowly. "Okay," she breathed somewhat shakily. "Yes."

Shepard glanced at Kaidan, who nodded at him in return.

They would have to fight to the shuttle.

Let's do this.

Ann Bryson had no idea her father was dead until they told her on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy. It was a conversation Kaidan didn't wish to repeat. He joined the Alliance to fight; not to tell people their loved ones were dead.

Shepard took care of it, though, and handled it fairly well. Kaidan remained on the Normandy while the commander and EDI went to check on Ann at her father's lab once they were back on the Citadel. Kaidan didn't like being around crying women, after all.

"You big baby," Shepard told him before he left, rolling his eyes.

So now Kaidan was finally doing those damn reports he'd been putting off, without the commander there to distract him. Not to say he didn't enjoy the distractions… no one liked doing reports, and he enjoyed spending time with his friend, even if he sometimes had more than friendly thoughts.

A lot of people liked Shepard, though. Liara wasn't the first to show interest, though hers was somewhat different from the first one to really look up to and like Shepard – Jenkins, who watched Shepard like he was the patron saint of all things 'badass', as the guy had put it once, with so much enthusiasm.

Kaidan remembered meeting the commander for the first time. Anderson and Shepard had worked together for a while and knew each other fairly well, and Shepard left to finish his N7 training. It was at that time Kaidan came aboard the Normandy. He learned his way around without Shepard there, and only heard rumors about the man who survived Akuze. Joker seemed to like Shepard well enough, and while Kaidan sometimes found the pilot annoying with all his jokes, he'd never doubt his judgment.

Chakwas seemed to know Shepard, though not very well. Kaidan saw her frequently enough due to his headache, before she finally found the right set of meds to give him to keep them under control for the most part. It was inconvenient, he knew, for a soldier to have such migraines which could be distracting in their line of work, but he hoped he was worth it. He worked his ass off in BAaT, worked hard to get over the fact he killed a man. Rahna was a sweet girl and while Kaidan remembered standing to protect her in some way, get retribution, he never meant to kill the guy who broke her arm.

He didn't particularly like the guy, but there were saints and jerks in every species, not just humans. This turian was an asshole but did that mean he deserved to die? He thought the ends justified the means. A lot of the time Kaidan felt like a test subject, a bit like a lab rat in a way.

"Open this box. No – with your mind. Then you can sleep."

There was always a catch. Want food? Earn it. Sleep? Gotta earn that, too. Sometimes they even had to open the bathroom door with their minds. As if that wasn't bad enough the general public steered clear of them, as though they were diseased. In a way, perhaps they were. They'd been exposed to Element Zero while in the womb, and that was the cause of the biotics, right? The implants just helped, or at least that was what they were supposed to.

Kaidan was lucky, as he once told the commander so long ago, aboard the first Normandy while hunting down Saren.

He only got migraines, and while they were terrible and often left him physically incapacitated at their worst, he was lucky because a lot of people weren't alive today because of their implants. They developed brain cancer, some went crazy. He just had headaches. Lucky.

Shepard never judged him for his biotics or for having the L2 implant when most biotics had the L3 implant, including Shepard. Kaidan stood by his judgment that the L2 implants spiked higher than the L3, except for Shepard.

Kaidan joined the Normandy without knowing Shepard. For months he got to know the crew, including Jenkins, without the commander there. Finally the N7 training was completed, and Shepard returned to the Normandy.

Kaidan finally got to meet the legend, and Shepard was everything Kaidan wasn't expecting.

From the stories he expected the strong, silent type. Perhaps brooding, due to the fact he watched his whole team die on Akuze while he alone survived. He expected this larger than life man to step into the mess that day, but instead he got a confidant man who was half an inch shorter than Kaidan himself. The military haircut was exactly as he thought it would be, but those eyes were completely different.

He expected to see the dull gaze of a commander. Anderson often had that look, because he'd seen too much to be thrilled about much of anything. Kaidan expected jaded, dark eyes to latch onto him as he stood to greet the commander that first day. Instead, vibrant blue eyes were what he got, full of life and hope and everything Kaidan didn't know he was looking for.

He didn't know it at the time, of course. He brushed off that odd sort of relief as his desire to finally meet the famous Commander Shepard. Even back then everyone seemed to have heard of him, at least the humans anyway. Now everyone in the galaxy knew who he was and what he stood for, and what'd he'd done to help them survive this far into the war.

Was Shepard larger than life? Not at the time, no. He seemed like a normal person to Kaidan. Except he was more than that, too. Normal people judged him, both because of the biotics and the L2 implant. Shepard never did. Kaidan himself had no idea the commander was even a biotic until Shepard used those abilities on their first mission together, when they were to secure the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime, back when Nihlus was supposed to be judging if Shepard was ready to become the first human Spectre.

Shepard never judged him because of the biotics, or anything, and that made him more than the average person Kaidan bumped into.

That and his fighting skills, his desire to not only complete the mission but save as many people as he could along the way. Most people in command had seen too much to worry about the little things, like innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. In the report, the civilians were merely numbers to them, statistics only. If one person died here to save three others over here, that was fine with them. The ends justified the means, like back at BAaT, almost.

Shepard never thought like that. He'd go out of his way to save one person and then double back to save the rest. Oftentimes he put his own life in danger to achieve this goal. Kaidan admired that about him back then and he still admired it now.

Shepard had always been different. That was definitely a good thing in Kaidan's eyes.

And a good thing in a lot of others' eyes as well.

A lot of people liked Shepard. Jenkins looked up to the man like a little puppy following its master. Nothing but admiration there.

When they picked up Ashley, she seemed to have a crush on the commander. She'd flirt as much as she could get away with, even going so far as to ask Kaidan what the two of them talked about, trying to see if Shepard was seeing anyone. While Kaidan didn't think she would actually try anything with the commander since there were so many regulations against it, he still felt irritation in her questions. What he and Shepard discussed in private was none of her concern. He enjoyed their unofficial debriefings, as friends, and he wouldn't risk it just because he decided to attempt to humor her and answer her questions regarding the man's love life.

Liara seemed to fall for the commander almost as soon as she figured out he was touched by a Prothean beacon. Kaidan once asked about the commander's intentions with the asari because it was obvious Liara liked him. Shepard seemed confused at the time, unaware of her affections. At the time, Kaidan assumed Shepard was playing dumb on purpose and said little more about it. Now, looking back, he wondered if Shepard really had no idea she liked him.

It was sometimes hard to tell with him.

Shepard's death hit them all hard. Kaidan still cringed when he thought about it and the aftermath, the slow ripple effect it had on everyone – the crew, the 'war', even the damn Alliance. Everyone took it hard. Liara cried for days. Kaidan knew that if Ashley were still alive, she would have punished him for screwing up so badly the commander died on them.

Died on them.

At the time, he had refused to think about it. While in the evac pod with the others, being sent from the ship, he never once thought he wouldn't see Shepard again. The man was larger than life for all the right reasons – an attack on the ship wouldn't take him out, it couldn't. The thought of him dying was almost as absurd as the thought of Kaidan himself dying, and he was perfectly fine in the escape pod.

He thought Shepard was right behind him, he swore he did. It wasn't a long walk to get Joker, after all. Shepard was stronger than Joker, especially with the pilot's brittle bones. He'd have him out of there in no time.

So when the last escape pod ejected from the Normandy before the ship exploded, Kaidan breathed a heavy sigh of relief and assumed everything was behind them. They would meet back up once the pods landed and sort everything out then, figure out who attacked them and why.

What he had not been expecting was to open the last pod and see only Joker inside. Joker, with his gaze lost and downcast and eyes misty with unshed tears. Joker, with bruise in the form of a handprint on his arm from where Shepard grabbed him, threw him to safety. Joker, who was alone.

Alone.

"What happened?" Kaidan demanded, all but grabbing the man by the front of the shirt, eyes wild. "Where's Shepard?"

Joker shook his head and Kaidan knew.

Knew Shepard was gone. He didn't make it off the Normandy. He was just… gone.

And like that the world shifted, lurched in a way Kaidan couldn't comprehend and his life was sent spiraling out of control.

Look back on it now, he should have known back then he thought of Shepard as more than a friend. All the time they spent together, the fact Shepard made him relax when no one else would or could… the way Kaidan always seemed to breathe easier when the other man was around… the way he felt like he lost something so very vital to him when he opened that pod and found only Joker…

At the time, he wrote off those feelings as those of the loss of a friend and a commander. Losing a commander wasn't like losing a boss, he'd tried to explain to people who weren't in the military, people in bars he went to while on the month long shore leave after the attack.

Yeah. Because a month away from action is all it takes to get over someone like Shepard. Right.

Gotta love Alliance math.

Losing a commander was like losing a focus point. It was hard to realign one's center without them. Losing a friend was just horrible, especially one that close despite the fact the two hadn't really known each other more than a year when the Normandy exploded. Losing someone who was both a friend and a commander…

Like losing a limb.

He survived, but it was hard.

Now that he understood those confused emotions, he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before. Kaidan was a smart guy – he had to be in his line of work. How had he not noticed it before?

Maybe he did, but ignored it. That seemed unlikely though because he'd taught himself to never ignore his feelings. His 'bad feelings' were often very right. He trusted his gut, so surely he would have noticed those feelings for the commander back then.

More than likely, he noticed with a bit of shock, he didn't notice those feelings then because Shepard was his first real friend. Rahna was a sweet girl and everyone liked her, and she very nice to Kaidan at BAat and everything, but her loyalty faltered when he accidentally killed her attacker with his biotics. From then on he worked very hard on his control so he would never slip up and allow it to happen again.

When he first killed someone with his biotics while working with Shepard, he thought for sure he blew any chance at their budding friendship. He was still trying to get over the fact Shepard was even talking to him at all, because the man didn't talk to the rest of the crew nearly as much, according to Ashely. He was still adjusting to the fact Shepard was actually trying to be his friend, and not just his commander.

So he feared losing that friendship, even in those early stages. When he killed someone with his biotics he nearly panicked and looked at Shepard. He hadn't meant for the blast to be so strong – it just happened. He expected to see disappointment in the commander's eyes, hatred even. Rahna could never look him in the eye again and she always seemed a little afraid of him, of his lack of control and the fact he was strong enough to break a turian's neck with one quick biotic kick.

Shepard said nothing at the time, though. He smiled instead and clapped Kaidan on the shoulder before moving on like nothing happened.

From there their friendship grew.

But perhaps that was why Kaidan didn't realize the change in his feelings for the man. Shepard was his first real, honest-to-God friend. His loyalty never wavered, even after Ashley's death when Kaidan blamed himself and wasn't sure how to get over the guilt of being chosen to live while she was left to die. Shepard stayed with him then. They had a drink and toasted her memory, and talked for hours about absolutely nothing at all. It wasn't until later that Kaidan realized what Shepard did for him – took his mind off the situation, treated him like a person instead of a freak biotic.

Kaidan never had a real friend like that before. Perhaps he just assumed that, when he saw Shepard and relaxed, or when Shepard died and he felt so torn, that it was normal because how would he know otherwise? He didn't have anything to compare their friendship to. For all he knew all friends felt like that.

It wasn't until later he realized how different his reaction had been from the others. Garrus was Shepard's friend too, but he didn't lash out at random people or leave the room whenever someone mentioned Shepard's name. After his death, hearing people talk about him just left Kaidan so angry.

You don't know him, he'd wanted to shout, because he liked to think he knew Shepard best. He liked to think he meant as much to Shepard as Shepard meant to him.

The absence of such a friend…

There was no comparison, in his mind.

So he threw himself into his work at the time. It was the easiest way to deal with everything.

Now, though… throwing himself into his work just seemed like a waste of time. He stared at his report, not even half way done with it despite the fact it had been a while since the commander and EDI went to the Citadel. He glanced at the time on the data pad. Nearly two hours had already passed and the commander wasn't back yet.

Perhaps he should check on him, see how things were going.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, palm scratching against the rough stubble. It had been a while since he shaved. Shaving was the least of his worries right now, honestly.

Right now he had to worry about keeping his feelings to himself so he didn't screw anything up.

And then it hit him.

Shepard's been acting like I have, kind of.

Shepard kept coming around to spend time with him. Kept sending him messages, inviting him up to his cabin to play cards, kept talking to him at all hours of the night when the rest of the crew was sleeping (even though there was no true 'day or night' in space)…

Shepard's eyes seemed to soften when he looked at Kaidan. The sentinel never quite noticed it before. Maybe he had but dismissed it just like he had his own feelings.

He didn't know.

All he knew was that Shepard seemed to trust him… a lot. His faith and loyalty to Kaidan never wavered. He always smiled at him, seemed to relax when Kaidan entered the room, went on missions with him…

Could he…?

"You mean a lot to me."

Kaidan got to his feet, sighing heavily.

He could have meant a lot of things. Don't jump to conclusions.

But still, there was the faintest bit of… hope, in the deep crevices of his mind, firmly shoved into the back of his thoughts. Usually Kaidan shoved those thoughts aside because they didn't really matter, especially not during a damn war, but now he pulled them out and looked at them with a new perspective.

Shepard could have shared the ramen with anyone, yet he chose Kaidan.

Shepard could have sent those random messages to anyone, yet he chose Kaidan.

Shepard could have gained more war assets if he sent the sentinel to Admiral Hackett, yet he chose Kaidan.

Shepard could have spent his free time with Liara or Tali or Garrus, yet he chose Kaidan.

He chose Kaidan.

Does that mean…?

Could he…?

At this point Kaidan wasn't sure what he wanted more – for the commander to possibly return his feelings, or for Shepard to simply see him as a friend.

If he found out the commander did feel for him as he did for Shepard… it would become that much harder to keep his thoughts to himself, and not try… something, with the man.

If he realized Shepard did not feel that way, he could get on with his life. It would hurt, definitely, but he was okay with being friends. He was happy being here on the Normandy, part of the crew's life… Shepard's life.

While his mind told him not to say anything to Shepard for fear of rejection or damaging their friendship, a much larger part entertained the idea that, for just a moment, Shepard did return the sentiment.

I bet he tastes like oil and a hot summer day.

Are his lips soft or firm?

Boxers or briefs?

Gentle or forceful?

Never before had he entertained those thoughts, allowed his mind to wander down such a bath. He had a lot of control over his thoughts, after all, after having trained so damn hard to control his biotics which were locked in with his emotions and his mind. It was easy to lock thoughts and memories away, such as the memories of BAaT and Rahna's expression when Kaidan killed that turian asshole.

Now he carefully flicked through those thoughts, those… desires.

The concept of 'straight' or 'gay' or anything like that had little meaning anymore. No one cared who you liked as long as they made you happy. One could always adopt children or have donors or something. People didn't always do things for the sake of 'reproduction', after all, as Shepard once told EDI. They did it out of love.

Love?

Where did that word come from?

He did have feelings for Shepard… but that didn't mean he loved him. Not like that. Or did it?

What is love, really?

A state of mind. A feeling of belonging, the desire to please the person, to never let them down. Complete and utter faith and loyalty even against the odds. Happiness when the other person was near, sadness when apart. Two lives woven together so intricately it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended.

Yeah. Something like that.

Kaidan liked being around Shepard. He felt like he'd died himself when the commander did, when he lost that vital connection in his life, that source of comfort and hope. He disliked the idea of Tali being with the commander – jealousy, then? Not of their sexual encounters, though. Jealous of their bond, their closeness. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally.

Tali showed Shepard her face, an act of utter faith and trust. Her loyalty never faltered. Kaidan couldn't say the same.

He always believed in Shepard. That was never the problem. The problem was that he wasn't… sure if it was Shepard, back on Horizon. Cerberus was not to be trusted and they rebuilt him from the ground up, gave him a crew and a ship. A new life. Kaidan trusted Shepard but it was hard to believe Shepard was really there, really the person standing before him. It could have been a clone, a robot, something else entirely. He had no idea.

He knew otherwise now, though. Shepard was alive. So very alive and not dead and not gone and he was somewhere on the Citadel and Kaidan was just standing here like a statue…

He wasn't sure if it was love, but it was something, and he should really get this off his chest. If nothing else he needed to tell Shepard so he could find out once and for all how the other man felt, if he needed to move closer to step away. It would hurt, but he needed to know.

He snagged his laptop, sending Shepard a quick message before he headed out.

Shepard,

We need to talk. I'll be at Apollo's. I'll buy.

Kaidan.

A/N: And there's that lengthy, ramble-y chapter ;) hope it sounds okay! Thanks for reading and please review!

~Muffy the Dough Slayer~