Chapter 14: Traditions
Squall stood with his groomsmen at the altar they'd set up out on the quad at Garden, trying not to feel nervous. All of the family members of the wedding party were present; his father, Laguna, Kiros, Ward, Ellone, and surprisingly, General Caraway as well. Rinoa had told him she'd asked for her father to escort her down the aisle, which had surprised Squall since her earlier pronouncement had been just the opposite. Apparently however, they had come to some sort of understanding.
Still, it was surprising to see Caraway there, since it was only a rehearsal. Rinoa however, was glowing happily that her father had committed himself so fully to something as important to her as this.
They went through the sequence of events, from Squall and his groomsmen taking their place to one side of the altar, and the bridesmaids taking their places on the other side, to Rinoa and Caraway marching down the aisle. Cid stood in for the magistrate that would be officiating at the actual event.
Squall took Rinoa's hands and smiled slightly at her as Cid read through the ceremony. Yeah, it was a dry run, and if nothing else, an attack of nerves here would get that business out of the way. But as he focused on Rinoa, the slight apprehension he'd been trying hard to ignore simply faded away. He was already committed to her. He had pledged himself to her as her knight. In doing that, he had already tied himself to her in a bond that only death could sever. The wedding was simply a formality to announce it to the world and make it official.
One major concern about the whole process that Squall had was finally resolved when he managed to speak with Cid and get his questions about the whole marriage license issue answered. So, finally, he got the correct license, which in fact turned out to be Balamb, since that was where he and Rinoa both lived. The whole citizenship question was a non-issue. He'd lived at Garden long enough that it wasn't a problem. So, he had the license. Everything was ready.
In just a little over 24 hours, he and Rinoa would be married.
It would be an evening ceremony. They had stipulated on the invitations that everyone had to be on time, as the entire Garden would be mobilized and taken out to sea. Those that arrived late would miss the boat…literally. They were waiting for no one. Then, the ceremony itself would take place on the quad, with the spectacular sunset Balamb was known for providing a picturesque backdrop. The reception would be in the Grand Ballroom, with the Garden returning to Balamb after a quick tour around the island chain. Then Squall and Rinoa would make their escape to their honeymoon in the Ragnarok.
"…You may now kiss your bride…" Cid pronounced. Squall leaned forward and gave Rinoa a soft kiss. Then he pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply, ignoring the hoots and laughter of those present for the rehearsal.
"Hey man! Save it for the wedding!" Irvine laughed.
"Just wanted to make sure I got that part right." Squall said with a shrug. Rinoa laughed and poked his side gently, making him flinch slightly. He smiled down at her and hugged her close.
"I think you'll do fine." She smiled at him.
After the rehearsal, Laguna had invited everyone out to the Balamb Hotel for dinner. They had a top-flight restaurant there and he'd already made reservations for 'Leonhart-Heartilly' party of twenty or so. The actual headcount was still in question because they weren't sure how many people from the wedding party were actually going to be there. There would be Squall and Rinoa's families of course, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen, but beyond that, they weren't sure who else would want to come.
Among the friends and family that were gathered for the rehearsal were selected members of the press, as suggested by Laguna. Squall really wasn't very keen on that, but after speaking with them and being assured that they would not intrude, he reluctantly allowed them to be there. Aside from cameras flashing at odd intervals (and really, that would have happened anyway, because pretty much everyone there was taking pictures) they remained true to their word and stayed unobtrusive.
Rinoa seemed to thrive on all the attention and was happily chatting to the reporters and photographers present, but the fuss being made about their wedding was irritating Squall. Was it really necessary to invite three hundred people to it? It seemed like everyone wanted to go, from virtually the entire city of Balamb to key political figures from Galbadia and Esthar. Yes, it was the social event of the year, apparently. And yes, they were, in a sense, royalty, owing to the stature of their parents.
After dinner, they made their way home, with Squall for one feeling relieved at finally being able to simply be alone with Rinoa for a while. The entire day had been hectic and chaotic, from completing the move-in process with Rinoa's belongings to the millions of tiny details that seemed to magnify in importance, as the wedding day grew closer.
How many flowers, exactly, were being brought in from Winhill? Did the caterers order the right amount and vintage of wine and champagne? Who got to go to the wedding and who had to stay on the job to make sure everything ran smoothly, and why did Squall have to listen to every single complaint from those who didn't get the schedule they wanted? Issues like that, with the exception scheduling complaints within Garden, were why wedding planners existed, but for some reason they all still came to Squall for the answers.
And then there were the traditions that everyone seemed to want to trot out and tack onto their wedding. Rinoa and Squall had been very firmly resolved at not falling into that particular trap, with one exception: Rinoa had temporarily moved out of Squall's apartment to room with Selphie for the last two nights before their wedding. The reasoning behind that particular action was completely beyond Squall.
Being deprived of Rinoa's company for the time being did not help Squall's temperament much, and he was heartily sick of the whole circus and just wanted it over with. He put up with it with as much good grace as he could muster for Rinoa's sake, but his patience was wearing thin. With everyone.
"You're quiet tonight." Rinoa commented as they walked down the hallway to their apartment.
"Tired." Squall answered.
Rinoa sighed, agreeing with that sentiment, saying, "I don't blame you. This whole thing is starting to get ridiculous, isn't it?"
"Starting to? It's gone well beyond that. We should have eloped." Squall grumbled as they entered the apartment. He sighed at the disorder in his normally tidy domain. He knew it was only temporary. Given time, they could get things organized and back to normal.
"That's not all that's bothering you, is it?" Rinoa asked. Squall shrugged, mind shuttered and silent, not wanting to discuss it and open up a can of worms best left alone.
"We need to get this chaos straightened out." Squall said, looking around the living room and heading toward an opened box on the kitchen counter. Rinoa stopped him by gently taking his hand and squeezing it.
"It's a big change, all of this, isn't it?" Rinoa said, waving her other hand at the boxes in the living room, kitchen and bedroom.
"Yes. I'm trying to figure out where it's all going to fit…" Squall answered, scanning his apartment.
"It'll fit. We'll make it work." Rinoa said softly, gazing up at him. Squall met her eyes, sensing that she was hinting at more than just organizing the apartment.
Squall nodded silently and turned away, changing his mind and heading toward the bedroom rather than the kitchen, taking Rinoa with him. The closet door stood partially open, and Rinoa noticed with a wince that hardly any progress had been made in organizing it.
"I still don't see why you had to stay over at Selphie's. Neither one of us is superstitious." Squall said, opening the door further and starting on sorting out the jumble of shoes littering the bottom of the closet.
"That's not the reason." Rinoa answered, beginning to feel a little dismayed that he was so clueless about it. And unfortunately, he was shielding. More than likely it was to spare her his moodiness. It made it more difficult however to discern what it was exactly that was bothering him.
"Well then, what is the reason? And why the hell do you have so many damn shoes?" he demanded, sounding irritable. Yes, he was definitely in a mood. Rinoa decided to ignore his grousing about her shoes, deciding it wasn't worth fighting about, and instead answered his first question.
"Selphie and I figured it would be easier for me to get ready. We're going to the salon first; get my hair, makeup and nails done. Then we'll head back, I'll get changed and meet you at the altar. See? Besides, we need to save something for the honeymoon." Rinoa explained, smiling. Squall's response was a sour look and a barely audible growl.
Reaching out, she brushed his mind, silently asking for entrance. After a brief hesitation, he let her in.
"What's wrong Squall?" She asked, worried.
"I don't know, I think this is all getting to me. The whole wedding circus, the chaos here, everybody wanting this and that and foisting their demands and traditions on us… I'm tired of it. And just simply tired " Squall answered, pausing in his activities. Rinoa knelt down next to where Squall sat, sorting out the shoes and everything else that had gotten chucked into the closet.
"You haven't been sleeping well, have you?" Rinoa asked. She could tell he hadn't been; she could feel his fatigue. She could also feel how much he missed her being with him.
"I sleep better with you." He said.
"Nightmares again." She stated. Squall nodded. He'd reached out to her in the night and she'd calmed him each time, but he still kept her out of the part of his mind that they originated from.
"I know you don't want to talk about them, about what caused them…" Rinoa began.
Squall got up and turned away, saying shortly, "No. I don't."
"Don't push Rinoa," He warned her. She hesitated, feeling his anger start to warm through their link. But the pain was still there, and despite her efforts, something was still bothering Squall, and she wanted to help.
"Squall…" She started, getting up and going over to him. He folded his arms, expression closed. Rinoa sighed, trying to understand his attitude and feeling frustrated at his unwillingness to trust her.
"Look. I know you think I can't handle… whatever it is. I know you've done some unpleasant things as part of your job. Lest you forget, for a good portion of the time we've been together, we've fought side by side. I saw you take on three Galbadian soldiers once. You gutted two of them and decapitated the third. Without hesitation and without mercy, and so fast that they died before they could even react. I know that there is a dark part of you that makes it possible for you to be very good at being a mercenary. I know this…I've seen some of that darkness." Rinoa said, gazing up at him, trying to show him that she knew him for what he was and loved him anyway.
"You've only seen what I've shown you." Squall said flatly. He'd retreated again, mentally, and Rinoa was beginning to worry. She didn't know how to get him to open up again to her, and she was afraid to push him. But she worried that if she didn't push a little; he'd close up on her completely.
Contact. She had to touch him. The feel of her hands on his body always had the power to elicit a response from him. And as hard as it was for her, she resolved to remain calm in the face of whatever fireworks he might throw her way. Meeting anger and fear with more anger and fear would only create a destructive feedback loop that would make things worse. With a bond like theirs, even shielded, it would be counter-intuitive to give in to negative emotions. She had to keep her emotions under wraps so as to allow Squall the space to feel his.
Moving closer, she slipped her hands around his waist and leaned into his body, ignoring his tightly folded arms and rigid stance. Resting her cheek against his chest, she closed her eyes and sighed, projecting calm. He sighed in response, and after stubbornly resisting for longer than Rinoa thought he would (long enough in fact that she began to worry her ploy wasn't going to work..) he gradually began to relax.
He unfolded his arms and lightly rested his hands on her hips. Rinoa reached up and caressed both of his cheeks, moving her hands back into the hair at his nape.
Sensing that he'd calmed a bit, she sent, "then show me the rest of it." Immediately, he jerked his face away from her and stepped back, glaring.
"What do you want from me?" Squall flared, anger returning.
"I want to know why. Why you're shaking in the night and why won't you show me what it is that's haunting you." Rinoa said calmly.
Squall raked his hands through his hair and laced his hands behind his neck, gazing upward at the ceiling, saying, "I can't Rin. I won't."
"Why?" she asked quietly. Dropping his hands from behind his neck, Squall went over to the bed and sat down heavily, appearing suddenly deflated.
Avoiding her gaze, Squall answered roughly, "Because it was the most horrific experience of my life. I can't share it with you Rinoa because I don't want you to feel what I felt. It would be unspeakably cruel of me to do that."
Rinoa's eyes stung at that statement, and she went over and sat down next to him on the bed, leaning close against his body and closing her eyes, aching for him. Squall shifted slightly and put his arm around her, pulling her closer. He simply held her for a moment, feeling the loving encouragement she was projecting.
He knew she wanted to know what haunted him out of a desire to help, but he just didn't think he could bring himself share it with her. Allowing her to experience the assault he'd suffered through their link would be tantamount to raping her himself. His entire being recoiled at that thought.
Finally, he made a decision and withdrew his mind gently from hers, raising his shields again.
Feeling his withdrawal, Rinoa gave him a worried look, "Squall?" she asked. "Please don't shut me out…" He tightened his arm around her, reassuring her.
"I can't show you what happened Rin," he said quietly, "But if you really want to know, I'll tell you."
Rinoa pressed herself against him and tightened her arms around him, offering her support and comfort. Squall gave her a slight, sad smile and then took a deep breath, visibly steeling himself.
Looking down at his feet, unwilling to see the look on her face as he told her, Squall began, "You know I was held in the D-district prison after we attempted to assassinate Edea."
Rinoa nodded, "yes."
"I was hurt, you know." Rinoa nodded, and Squall continued, "Edea apparently healed me. They wanted me alive so they could interrogate me for information. I was the ranking member of the team so they figured, whatever information they were after, I'd have it."
"Interrogate meaning torture, right?" Rinoa asked. Squall nodded. She hated the fact that it was Squall who confirmed what she'd long suspected about the D-district prison. She remembered the day that she'd essentially forced Irvine to rescue Squall and his team, only to find that they already had their escape underway. She remembered the cold, empty look in his eyes as they battled their way out…how utterly it had chilled her.
He'd been aloof before that day but Rinoa fancied that he'd gradually started to thaw with regards to her. Afterward however, he'd been well nigh unapproachable. It had dismayed Rinoa to think that the small gains she'd made with him had vanished like smoke.
She squeezed him gently, then stroked her hand up and down his tense back. He sighed quietly and looked over at her briefly, then looked away again as he continued.
"Seifer was first. He chained me to a wall and zapped me with electroshock until I passed out." Squall told her.
"Seifer? What did he want to know?" Rinoa asked, frowning.
"At the time, I didn't know. Of course, at that point I'd only been a SeeD for a few days. But even if I had known what he and Edea...Ultimecia.. were after, I wouldn't have told them. I lied, made up the craziest thing I could, and finally passed out. I figured that was it for me, I was dead." Squall said.
"It's strange, but it doesn't sound like that part bothered you too much. Why?" Rinoa asked, wondering if his own life had meant as little to him then as it sounded.
"It didn't. That was how I figured my life would end. I didn't give up anything useful to the enemy, and there wasn't anything else that really mattered to me then." Squall answered.
Rinoa remained silent, and continued caressing Squall's back. She'd been right to go back for him, she decided. Not because he would have stayed because nobody had ordered him to escape, but because he would have taken a much easier, and more final, means of escape.
Squall took a shaky breath then. Now for the really hard part…
"After I passed out, Seifer left me with the warden, who apparently was supposed to continue with the 'interrogation'. I remember him slapping me awake, just so he could fry my nerve endings again and again with more electricity." Squall passed his hand over his eyes and shuddered briefly.
In a rough voice, he went on, "My entire body was on fire by then. Everything hurt. Everything. The lightest touch to my skin was agony. But since I'd gone beyond even lying… at this point all I could do was scream. Apparently the warden decided … other methods… needed to be employed."
Rinoa swallowed, heart aching. What other methods? She didn't want to ask, and seeing how difficult it was for Squall to relate this to her, she almost told him to stop. But, she realized that it wasn't for her benefit that he was doing this. It was for his.
Clearing his throat, he said hesitantly, "So he… decided that if pain alone didn't work, maybe pain and humiliation …would. He stripped me naked and started beating me. I fought back of course, but…it didn't do much good. I was too weak by then, there was nothing left for me to fight with. So I stopped, hoping he'd just kill me and get it over with. Instead, he… raped me."
He heard Rinoa's gasp and closed his eyes, swallowing hard. What must she think of him, to hear that? Why did I tell her? Why? Her hand on his back stilled and Squall's heart dropped like a lead ball into his gut.
Oh, Squall… Rinoa thought, tears flooding her eyes. He'd turned his face away, unwilling or unable to look at her.
She got up and briefly left his side to kneel down on the carpet in front of him. His eyes were tightly closed and she heard him sigh deeply as she got up, bowing his head in an attitude of utter dejection.
She reached out and took his face in both of her hands, caressing his cheeks, and whispered, "Squall. Look at me." At the same time, she reached out with her mind and touched his. He cautiously lowered his barrier a little, and reassured by what he felt from her, lowered it completely.
Opening his eyes, he saw her gazing earnestly up at him, tears tracking down her cheeks. He reached out and brushed them away. Then he closed his eyes again as she moved closer to him and kissed him softly. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his body, crushing her against him and kissing her hungrily. Desperately.
Their minds embraced each other as well, with Rinoa flooding his with love and comfort, approval for his courage in telling her, and sadness for what he'd suffered.
They left off kissing, but Squall continued to hold her, stroking her hair lightly. Rinoa leaned into him, caressing his back.
"My first sexual experience, if you could even call it that, and it was rape," he thought sadly.
"But the second was with me. And unless I'm remembering it wrong, it was much better, right?" Rinoa sent.
"It was. Although I nearly panicked when I saw how much it hurt you at first. I thought…" He didn't finish the thought, but Rinoa followed the direction it was going and reassured him that what they'd shared, despite the initial discomfort on Rinoa's part, was nothing like what he'd had to endure.
"Its behind you now. In the past, and it won't bother you again. I promise you." Rinoa said, firmly.
"How?" Squall asked, unable to hide his worry that the nightmares would continue to torment him.
"Trust me." Rinoa sent. She kissed him again, softly, sweetly, concentrating only on that, and the sensations she was feeling both physically and mentally. She speared her hands through his hair, thinking about how much she loved its silken feel and texture, knowing he could hear that thought.
Still kissing him, she pushed him back onto the bed, working her hands under his shirt and pausing for a moment to pull it off. She let him hear and feel everything she thought about him, how much she loved the warmth and scent of his skin, the taut muscles beneath, the glittering beauty of his eyes and how, like the sea, they changed with his moods.
As she kissed and caressed his body, she concentrated on their contact, delving deep into his mind while imprinting her warmth, the feel of her body against his, and the taste of her lips, into it. She sought out and found his doubts, and fears, and banished them, wiping them away in a flood of love.
Then she ventured to the place that Squall had forbidden her to see. She sensed his disquiet, now lessening, about that, and she reassured him. She knew, now that he'd told her what was haunting him, what she needed to do and how to do it.
He still resisted of course, he wouldn't be Squall if he didn't. But Rinoa ignored his protests and plunged into the heart of the darkness, replacing ugliness with beauty, pain with pleasure, hatred and shame with love and admiration. She saw what had been done, and her heart ached for him, but contrary to his fears, she did not allow herself to be drawn in, so did not experience it herself. She held herself apart from him just enough to be able to see and know, just enough to heal.
In short, she did what any good healer would do. Found the wound and tended it in spite of the protests of the wounded, without letting it get to her. It was a hard won balance, harder than Squall would ever know. But she had resolved to make this her life-path. Yes, she was a sorceress, and she had learned early on that she was powerful enough to be devastatingly dangerous. If she had wanted to go down that path.
But she didn't, and never had. Fighting with him side by side, she realized that as a fighter she would never be the equal of even the weakest SeeD. But as her skill with her new power grew, her friends began to rely more and more upon her for support: healing and defensive magic in particular. That was a path that she felt more comfortable with, and continued in that direction with Squall's full support.
Rinoa gradually pulled back from the deep contact they'd shared, and using a technique she'd learned from Ellone, she gently blanketed Squall's mind and sent him into a deep, restorative sleep. She smiled gently to herself, knowing he'd be less than happy she'd picked up that particular trick.
She laid close to him, pressed against his back, hand caressing his chest, and listened to his, deep, even breathing. What they'd shared had been just for him, to help and to heal, and she'd been happy to blanket his entire body with kisses and caresses. It felt good to Rinoa to make him feel good. But when he awoke in the morning it would surprise him to realize that while they'd been incredibly intimate, they hadn't actually had sex. Rinoa was in fact, still clothed.
Kissing the back of his neck, Rinoa indulged herself one more time, gently stroking her hand down his back and over his bare hip. Then she got up, pulled the bed covers over him and left him sleeping.
The next morning Squall woke, later than usual, feeling better than he had in more than a week. He felt lighter, freer. The cause of his nightmares was gone. Oh, the memory was still there, it couldn't be expunged completely, but somehow, Rinoa had taken away its power to trouble him. It would haunt him no longer. He yawned and extended both arms and legs in a full stretch, then rolled over to find that he was alone. He was faintly disappointed at that, what they'd shared the previous night had left him hoping that Rinoa would stay with him.
As he got up and headed for the shower, he sent a thought out to her, "Good morning Rinoa, did you sleep well?" He smiled at the happy response she sent him.
"Yes, and you obviously did as well." She sent.
"I did. Thank you. I wish you had stayed though." He responded. Stepping into the shower, he turned it on and adjusted the heat.
"You know why I didn't. Don't worry, we'll more than make up for it tonight." Squall smiled again at the sense of anticipation that Rinoa sent him. She'd obviously missed being with him as much as he missed her.
"What are you doing right now?" He asked her as he started soaping up.
"Drinking hot chocolate and eating breakfast with Selphie. What are you doing?" She asked.
"Taking a shower. You're drinking hot chocolate in July?" He asked, rinsing his body off and starting on his hair.
"She was out of coffee. So…showering, huh?" She began, and Squall felt her deepen her contact.
"I do that in the mornings. And at other times during the day after exercising, or getting dirty killing monsters in the training center." Squall sent, amused. He glanced down at his body, giving Rinoa a full view (or as full as he could get from his point of view). He laughed softly at her response.
"Mmmm…Yummy." She sent.
"What, the hot chocolate?" He grinned, then ducked his head under the spray to rinse it off.
"No, you." She responded, unable to hide her undeniable desire for him.
Squall drew in a deep breath, and thought, "Careful Rin, we've got hours yet until we're married. You get me all excited now and I won't be responsible for what happens later."
"I can't wait." She sent.
"Minx." He thought, and then added, "I can't wait either."
"Well, time for me to go. I'll check in with you later. I love you." Rinoa sent.
"I love you too. See you at the wedding." Squall sent, turning off the shower and grabbing a towel.
After drying off, he wrapped the towel around his waist and began shaving. He had several hours still to wait until the wedding itself, and he honestly had no idea what to do until then. Rinoa would be occupied with getting her hair, nails and makeup done, though Squall didn't think that it should take as long as she said it would. It wasn't like she needed a truckload of cosmetics to be beautiful.
Squall was drinking his coffee after he'd gotten dressed, when Angelo came up and laid his head on Squall's knee, gazing soulfully up at him.
Reaching down to scratch behind his ears, Squall said, "You need to go out, don't you?" Angelo immediately ran to the door, whining softly. Squall obligingly grabbed the leash and trash bags and took him out.
Upon returning, Squall was left in a bit of a quandary, wondering what to do next. He didn't need to go in to work; he'd taken the day off. He didn't really need to check on anything, it was pretty well handled; he'd worked hard on everyone's scheduling to accommodate the wedding. The quad was decorated; the caterers and florists were already arriving. In short, there was nothing really that Squall needed to do and if he went down to check (or hover), he'd just get in the way.
Sighing, he checked his watch. What was he supposed to do with himself for the next eight hours, thirty-seven minutes and twenty seconds? Well, he could call Laguna, but he'd likely be working remotely while in Balamb. Irvine? Zell? They were busy helping to set everything up in the quad. There wasn't anyone else that Squall could think of.
He was bored. Looking around his apartment at the half-empty boxes, he decided he'd tackle the chaos. Unpacking and reorganizing everything was guaranteed to burn several hours. It did exactly that, and looking around, satisfied that his apartment had mostly been returned to its normal state, Squall felt much better. The only remaining evidence of the previous disorder was a flattened stack of empty cardboard boxes that Squall had left by the door. At least that chore was out of the way and they didn't have to deal with it after the honeymoon.
Squall checked his watch again. It was time. He quickly changed into his dress uniform, ran a comb through his hair again and headed for the quad. Before he left however, he paused, almost forgetting something.
"Angelo, come." He said, grabbing a bow tie and collar that he'd bought at the pet store awhile back for the occasion. Fastening it around the dog's neck, Squall grinned at the dapper image he presented. Rinoa would love it. Then they both left for the wedding.