Addendum Twelve: Holiday Shenanigans, Tortured Geniuses, and an Arranged Marriage in a Pear Tree
"Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! 'Tis the season to be jolly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Don we now our gay apparel! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Troll the ancient Christmas Carol! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…"
Inside the faux-McDonalds, Itachi Uchiha twitched violently. By this point, the higher-ups of his professional firm were gathered in the lobby, and all were wearing high-quality earplugs. Itachi was the last one to put in said earplugs, because he'd dearly hoped that what he was hearing was just some horrible, horrible joke.
But alas, fate was not that kind to the slightly-unbalanced Uchiha.
Turning to who was arguably his best friend, Itachi addressed him in sign language. Kisame, in turn, would respond in kind.
'Are they still here?' Itachi posed the question after waiting ten minutes.
The blue shark-man scowled and delicately lifted one of the blinds to the windows at the front of the building. Outside, a massive group of Christmas Carolers were congregated with 'cute' little books in front of them, with some of them wearing little Santa hats and 'reindeer antlers.'
'Unfortunately, yes…' Came Kisame's succinct response. Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and inwardly counted to ten. Then, Itachi took one last look at Inoichi, Anko, Kakuzu, Hidan's head, Ibiki, and every other employee congregated in the lobby and strutted to the front door. Once there, Itachi took a deep breath, exhaled, and opened the door while simultaneously activating his new Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan.
That's right – Itachi had finally acquired his Foolish younger brother's former eyes from Sharingan storage. He had a devil of a time tracking them down.
Despite the young Uchiha stepping outside, the Christmas Carolers felt intimidated not one bit, and kept right on singing their merry tunes. With one almost-whispered word, that all changed.
"Amaterasu!"
The Christmas Carolers promptly shrieked as their books were all lit alight with black flames. Dropping the books, the people fled the scene with arms flailing and a general sense of hysteria. Itachi was not one to express emotions very often, but this was cause for celebration, so he afforded himself a miniscule smile.
Christmas Carolers were irritating creatures indeed, with their constant state of happiness and going about to people's homes with songs that should not be sung yet, as it was only the beginning of December. Worst of all were the sort that could be bought out to do a hit job. Well, Itachi called them hit jobs; others might suggest he was overreacting, but really, they might as well have been doing a hit job. Christmas Carols grated on Itachi's ears like nails on a chalkboard.
"Foolish Little Brother… You will regret starting something you cannot finish. I shall have you begging for mercy by the time this season is over…"
With one last patented Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan glare at the building across the way, Itachi turned around and stalked back into his office building and put out the Amaterasu flames while he was at it. Wouldn't do for an Anbu patrol to stumble upon what was clearly his work. He'd send out a team to properly dispose of the books later, as there was the little matter of retaliation that needed to be seen to first and foremost…
Hey, Itachi might've loved his little brother, and he might not have had anything personal against the Christmas season, but when you sic Christmas Carolers on Itachi Uchiha in the first week of December you'd best fortify yourself because Itachi will get back at you. It's not a question of if he will, it's a matter of when.
And Itachi had all the time in the world now that he didn't have to take frequent trips to Tenzo in regards to his debilitating eyesight.
Within the hallowed halls of Uncle Moddie's School for Misbehavin' Legends, the bell for first period classes had rung, and the Sannin had been ushered off to their homerooms in their specialized chairs. The three of them were separated, of course, and each of their rooms was so obviously based on their base desires that of course the Sannin were suspicious like hell.
Tsunade was the first to be released from her chair. Though she noticed with chagrin that as compensation she now had a thick steel collar around her neck. She didn't need to ask what it was for, and she didn't need to investigate whether or not she could pry it off. That sucker wasn't coming off anytime soon.
Regardless, Tsunade made her way over to the stocked shelves toward the back of the room. She could just smell the high-grade sake in the air, and Tsunade wanted some of that. Yet when she was in the midst of reaching for a bottle, the collar around her neck emitted an earsplitting beep and delivered a violent electrical shock to her system. Tsunade instantly crumpled to the ground from the sheer pain that shock delivered to her system.
Tsunade twitched at the familiar annoying laugh that wafted through the room. She propped herself up and stared at a screen that was attached to a wall adjacent from the shelves of delectable sake. 'Uncle Moddie's' head was present dead center, and Tsunade had the insatiable urge to knock his block off. Teasing her like this was just inhumane. Sake was life, damn it!
"Now, now, my little bird. I had a feelin' that you'd gravitate to that painful lesson first – Uncle Moddie's One Step Program will cure you of that nasty alcohol obsession toot sweet. If you think I'll take it easy on ya 'cause you're a fifty-somethin' Granny, you're horribly mistaken, love. I won't let you just acquaint yourself with the pain neither. No, every single time you reach for a bottle, the amperage of that nifty li'l collar you got will go up. Tenfold. You'll learn right quick the bottle won't cure all your woes.
Smirking at Tsunade's pale complexion, Moddie continued on.
"But let's move on, eh? You got some paperwork to sign and file on the opposite side of the room. Take a gander." With dawning horror in her eyes, Tsunade turned and stared at the piles of paper on top and around the desk that looked like a perfect replica of the Hokage's desk. Moddie continued his explanation, "Now you might be thinking I'm just taking a mickey out of you, but that's honest-to-Kami paperwork, and it needs doing. Mistress Kushina had a little chat with her hubby's secretaries, y'see, and they agreed to pile their important documents into your lap. So here's the deal: You clean all that up, and you'll be allowed a shot glass of sake. But don't get too comfy, 'cause you'll be right back to work with somethin' else after you've had your little break."
Tsunade was still twitching violently by the end of Moddie's explanation. Yeah… This? This is just not done. Tsunade was gonna bring this place down one way or another and she was gonna end Moddie. Didn't matter if Kushina and Mikoto would do something even more horrible to her when she managed to accomplish that; she would destroy this place, and she would destroy Moddie. It was only a matter of time.
Tsunade briefly wondered for a fraction of a second what would happen if she attempted to simply leave the room, but she quickly banished such thoughts. If escape was possible, Kushina and Mikoto wouldn't bother putting them through this at all. They'd instead be strapped to gurneys while those two played the role of surgeons… This 'school' was decidedly more merciful on the surface, and played more on their minds than anything else.
Still, Tsunade had to wonder how her teammates were coping in this kind of environment… Oro-chan was probably livid, and Jiraiya… Well, Moddie was probably trying to turn him into a prude. Considering how effective the One Step Program seemed to be, Tsunade suspected the AI could manage it somehow…
Jiraiya had to hand it to 'Uncle Moddie'… He sure knew how to merge Seals and Genjutsu together almost seamlessly. Jiraiya was almost caught off guard when he was brought to this room. It looked like a beach. It felt like a beach. And he even had a gaggle of bikini-clad women playing around in the sand several meters away from him, with a perfect peeping spot close at hand.
But Jiraiya knew not to trust his senses. No. These girls, every single one, were H-Cups at least. Their boobies were that big. Muuuch bigger than Tsunade-hime's, and Jiraiya had an unparalleled reverent respect for those Sacred Pillars of Heaven.
So yeah. Teenage girls with bigger boobs than Tsunade-hime? Get outta here.
But still, Jiraiya could not resist. Even though this was all some kind of illusion, it made for perfect Icha Icha material. So with a dribble of drool pouring down from his mouth, Jiraiya scrabbled to the conveniently-placed shrubbery and dove right in… and promptly fell in a makeshift pit that contained piranha at the bottom. Rabid piranha. Rabid piranha that just so happened to have a fetish for his testicles.
Jiraiya had never before emitted such a banshee shriek in his entire life. Of course this caught the attention of the bikini-clad girls who shrieked in response to his most unmanly screaming. Jiraiya managed to pull off a shunshin in his highly panicked state, but the destination of his shunshin was somehow redirected into the gaggle of teenage girls, who promptly gave him his well-deserved beating.
Jiraiya didn't have to wait long before everything just seemed to… reset somehow. Seconds after getting an ass-kicking that somehow rivaled Tsunade-hime's back in the day, Jiraiya was back where he started with the bikini-clad girls none the wiser and the shrubbery back in place.
Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at this phenomenon. That was not normal at all. Worst of all, his clothes were still shredded from his encounter with the piranha and the severe beating he received from those hot chicks. The Gallant Jiraiya despised his clothes being in such tatters.
Still, if those bikini-clad girls wanted to play hard to get, Jiraiya would foolishly oblige. There was more than one conveniently-placed peeping spot, and Jiraiya was very determined to locate one that would not end with grievous bodily injury. Jiraiya opted to try the tree that so happened to be placed directly beside the shrubbery.
Jiraiya wasn't sure why, but he ended up stupidly going for a seemingly sturdy tree branch that was placed directly above the shrubbery with the hidden piranha trap beneath. The other branches didn't look as safe, and at least this one seemingly sturdy branch was adequately covered by leaves and branches that were conveniently placed so that Jiraiya could peep on the girls, but the girls would never know he was even there.
Of course the branch snapped under his weight and Jiraiya ended up tumbling back into the piranha-infested pit. Yet again screaming like a banshee. When he attempted to shunshin away from the pit this time, he was once again amidst the enraged-but-very-sexy teenage girls, but this time their attacks were laced with Chakra – both elemental and not. The pain was much worse this time around, and Jiraiya ended up losing his red haori in the midst of that beatdown.
And was it just him, or were these fine specimens of women looking a little more like Tsunade in their facial features? … Whatever.
But yet again the phenomenon happened where Jiraiya was put back at his starting point and everything was seemingly reset. Except his clothes were still badly torn up and he was now missing his red haori. Jiraiya still refused to give up, being the Gutsy Ninja he is, and proceeded to try and find that ideal peeping spot. There had to be one somewhere in all this conveniently-placed crap. He was beginning to get desperate at this point.
This time Jiraiya opted to hide behind the tree and peep from that angle. But alas, his foot snagged onto some kind of rope that promptly pulled him back into the piranha-infested pit. This time there was a seeming change in the piranha, as their eyes appeared to be blazing red with the Sharingan, which really freaked the hell out of Jiraiya. Shunshin. Beatdown by very sexy women that continued to look similar to Tsunade. Reset.
On his fourth try, Moddie shimmered into existence and grinned at Jiraiya's predicament. The man's tomfoolery was more amusing than initial expectations, and he still wasn't getting it at all. Strolling over to an orange-clad blond boy who was sobbing in a corner that Jiraiya had yet to notice because he had yet to take a look behind him, Moddie patted the seemingly suffering child on the shoulder consolingly.
"There, there… Just a few more times, and I'll nudge him in the right direction. By that point he'll be begging for some kinda clue; that's when the piranha get replaced with dragons, and the 'Tsunade's' use him as their little soccer ball. Jolly good fun this is." Moddie grinned madly and had a good chuckle at Jiraiya's expense.
Oh yes. Moddie had never been so thrilled to be the facilitator of the facility. The Sannin were fun to terrorize. All three of 'em.
Orochimaru had thought he'd been clever when he'd developed the Curse Seal. With a little of his Chakra stored in each Seal, Orochimaru was assured to survive in some shape or form as long as one of his lovely little test subjects remained alive… Sure, that possibly meant multiples of him running around, but Orochimaru didn't have any problems with that. That just meant he'd multitask to the extreme.
He'd thought he'd been so clever. He'd never been so wrong. When Orochimaru got carried off to his designated classroom, it was to see one of his doppelgangers already there seated in a similar chair to his own and staring mesmerized at a Sharingan with its tomoe spinning on the screen. The Orochimaru that was just dragged in thought he'd be sharing the same fate, but apparently 'Uncle Moddie' had other ideas as his chair shifted over to a chemistry lab of sorts with beakers, test tubes, and questionable bubbling and steaming away in those containers.
On a chalkboard across from the still-tied-down Orochimaru, the white chalk seemingly came to life as the face of Moddie was drawn out in detail and the face bizarrely seemed to animate itself when the 'man' began to speak.
"Welcome, my ducky! This is Chemistry 101, and I will be your instructor. In front of you are a variety of chemicals and substances that serve specific functions. Your first task is simple – create a form of medication that can make Might Guy normal. Now I know what you're probably thinking; that's a bit much for even someone of your stature to even attempt… Hehe… Well, that's not my problem, my ducky. Mistress Mikoto wants that cure by the end of today. Succeed and you will be given credit for your miracle cure. Fail, and you will end up like the chap behind you… A dribbling buffoon locked in an illusionary world that has absolutely no secrets to unlock. So do your best, my ducky! We're all counting on you."
With one last chuckle, the face on the board swirled in on itself and transformed into a timer. Based on the way it was counting down, Orochimaru had a little over fifteen hours to come up with that 'miracle cure.' The Snake was then released from his chair, finally, and the man made a valiant effort to escape the room, but alas… the door had seemingly decided to disappear on Orochimaru, and from what he could see there were no vents or windows to make use of… not even a crack in the floor. He was well and truly trapped, and the Snake man had no doubt he would end up like, well, himself if he dawdled any further…
But first, time to see what concoctions he could make. If he could manufacture an explosive…
Enough time had passed for the physical catfighting to come to a merciful end a long time ago. Merciful, because Naruto was pretty sure he was on the precarious edge of pervert-dom, and if Naruto were honest with himself once he began the trek down that road, there was no going back. Pervy Sage would be proud.
That aside, Hinata and Rin had ditched the over-the-top open physical fighting, and had switched gears to 'subtle' jabbing with words and threats over a period of days. Naruto hadn't had a moment for himself for days. It'd even gotten to the point where Ma would come home in the evenings and arrange dinner for all seven of them – Ma, Pa, Kaka-sensei, 'Bito, Rin, Hinata, and Naruto himself.
Kami those nightly meals were awkward, though. Minato would pretend his son wasn't sandwiched between two kunoichi at one corner of the kitchen table, while 'Bito would grumble about taking up the hat and simultaneously send him the stink-eye for having Rin wrapped around his arm, and Ma would 'subtly' encourage the little not-so-secret war going on between Hinata and Rin, sometimes breaking up the dinner to leave the three of them alone.
Kaka-sensei still refused to come out of his room even on pain of Kushina-style torture. But they wouldn't let him starve, either, because that would be giving him the 'easy way' out of whatever trauma Kaka-sensei had been through. Kushina was increasingly getting these strange gleams in her eye as she contemplated Kakashi's inevitable torture.
And then it all went to hell the day the 'm' word was uttered. By Hinata-chan.
"Naruto-kun, w-will you m-marry, me?" Hinata-chan asked with doe eyes and the batting of her eyelashes.
Naruto sweatdropped at the proposal, particularly the way it was delivered… Hinata-chan must've really been getting desperate.
"Uh… Um… Hinata-chan, don't you think we're a bit young for that? We're not even in our twenties yet, y'know."
"No."
Naruto felt a bit panicky in the face of Hinata-chan's fierce determination. Apparently you can never be too young to tie the knot. At this point in his life, the last thing Naruto wanted to do was get married. He wanted to experience life more before settling down. He wanted to at least become Hokage…
And then like a vulture in the guise of an angel, Rin swooped in… Well, figuratively speaking anyway. They were having another of those awkward dinners where each girl was wrapped around one arm each.
"Naruto-kun needs a little more time before such commitment, Hinata…" Naruto didn't have to ask himself why Rin's smile looked particularly twitchy. "And besides, even if he was ready for that, it certainly wouldn't be to you…"
Naruto paled as Hinata-chan tightened her grip on his right arm like a vice. Oh dear kami, not again.
"B-Better a Princess th-than a s-skank…"
Rin's arms tightened around Naruto's left arm, and Naruto began wondering what he had done in a previous life to deserve this. Whoever he'd killed, even if he enjoyed it, it certainly hadn't been worth it.
"Naruto-kun doesn't need all the political crap that will come with marrying into your family, hon… Sometimes a simple nest of twigs is more homely than one of pearls."
"But Naruto-kun is a hero, who deserves only the best…"
"Naruto-kun has struggled most of his life to get the things he wants… He doesn't need to be treated like royalty after all that hardship. It would insult his life's struggle up until this point."
"O-Oh, wh-what do y-you know, bitch? You weren't even here wh-when N-Naruto-kun was s-struggling…"
"At least I have the courage to approach him about my feelings. You took years to do it."
"A-And our f-f-friendship b-blossomed in those y-years…"
"He doesn't even see you as a true girlfriend!"
"T-Take that back, bitch! T-True love conquers all!"
Naruto had lost all feeling in his arms a long time ago. He was too focused on that to pay attention to all of their back-and-forth banter. Normally, Naruto would try and mediate between the two so that they all stayed friends despite the heated words… But Naruto was too scared shitless to try and break this one up. He had a feeling that if he tried to break up this one he'd lose one of his arms. At least.
"Girls, girls… There's no need to fight. I already had Obito-kun draw up the contract." Naruto paled a considerably lighter shade of white. He didn't want to lose his left arm! He loved it too damn much! "… You'll both be marrying my baby when he's twenty four."
Naruto choked on his saliva at that revelation. That whole thing about marrying at a young age being the absolute last thing he needed? Yeah… Naruto takes that back. He takes it aaall back.
Author's Note:
I really liked this chapter. It came out so nicely. Mito-chan wanted another appearance, but I firmly kept the Naruto scene on the Hina-Naru-Rin shtick. And I both sped up and slowed it down at the same time. I love it. XD Inevitable arranged marriage, but it won't happen anytime soon. Give it five years. Then he's screwed.
And I think you all know the reason for that…
That aside, I'm honored with all the new favs and alerts. And the reviews. This is quickly shaping up to be as popular as TToNU… And I only meant it as a little side project. Curses. XD Oh well. It's all in good fun.
Next time I might actually get around to the Jinchuriki pow-wow… or any of the other international stuff. I got a ton of potential material to choose from. :P
Review Replies:
Black' Victor Cachat: I get reminded enough of that little event in fanfics… So I thought I'd return the favor. XD Glad it's still enjoyable so far. ^^
ultima-owner: Yes, yes he will… And yes he is. :D
covertpartyhat: Thanks for the review!
AJGuardian: Hope the chuckles keep on coming… Wanna alleviate any stress and troubles as much as possible. ^^
Kris Awesomeness: Thanks for the review!
Simgr101: My man 'Bito has been getting traumatized and forced into a position he no longer wants because of the current political climate… I wanted to cut him some slack. XD But he'll probably get some more material in upcoming events…
Guest (Drake Darkduke): … Your review really made my day, ducky. Really, really made my day. XD Sorry for the wait. The next update's gonna be a bit of a wait, too, but it'll come before the year's wrapped up…
Fictionlover12: Oh, good. Then you know the theme I've designated for 'That was Anticlimactic.' I really loved that chase scene music. XD What can I say? I really love 'Ninja Burger Chronicles' by Kaori; that really inspired the fast food angle of deception. I won't do too much more with it, though, 'cause I respect that fic and author enough. I swear you or Simgr101 wanted Obito as Hokage… Meh. Sorry if that displeases you. But at least 'Bito is getting out of teaching kiddies at the Academy. :D