Ch. 14 So You Were Never A Saint And I Loved In Shades Of Wrong
I watch the expressions from everyone else and I know that they know who that guy in the story is, it's Rick. A guy, whose name is Lenny, gives me a thumbs up but my delivery of who I love wasn't smooth. And the jock next to me, whose name I don't know, winks at me but all I feel is a slimy feeling. I feel my face is warm the entire time but all I can do is watch the back of Rick's head.
"Rick, you can start us off tomorrow." Rick nods and the bell rings.
I immediately grab my things and dart out of the classroom so fast that I knock into Ann as she makes her way to me. She follows me all the way to our lockers. I don't say a sound incase Rick is following me.
"We had to read our dream world assignment out loud. And of course I wrote about Rick! I was so scared to look at him but when I did, he looked like he was in pain. What's with that?" I slam my back into my locker door and wait for her to offer me her wise advice.
"Maybe because he finally realized how much he did hurt you. Up until now, he wasn't privy to that information."
"Good point but I am not ok. I mean he broke up with Gina, he knows how in love with him I am, but I don't want a relationship right away. He really hurt me and he needs to mend that fence before he moves onto the next one." What I don't voice is how afraid I am of him not apologizing at all. What could I do then?
Lanie comes up and links her arm through mine and just by one look, she knows that something is wrong. "Spill."
I wave goodbye to Ann and I confess my secrets all the way to Human Phys. And by the time we are in our seats, I have gotten out everything. I even told her how I am afraid that he won't apologize.
"If he doesn't, he is an idiot. Why I think he was acting stupid for dating Gina, he isn't a dumb guy. I think you are safe to expect an apology. Now, can I come over after school? We need to plan your feelings out. Sort through so we don't get thrown off."
"Let me text Martha." I slip out my phone and wait for it to vibrate and when I see a yes written on the screen, I nod to Lanie and she returns my smile. I am too busy having fun with Lanie and enjoying class that I haven't given Rick another look.
"Lover boy is checking out your goods." Lanie nods to the fact that I am leaning over the table and that you can see down my dress and you can see me in my bra. I know that Rick got the view and enjoyed it by the look on his face. He stops and turns away when he realizes that I saw him. I can't believe the way he has been acting. He acts like he did nothing, like he never said something nasty to me or that he hasn't made me ache and cry. I try not to but, I feel anger rising up within me and I am no longer sure that I want an apology unless he truly means it. If he does it for my benefit and not his as well, then he can keep it. I know Lanie can read my mixed emotions on my face but she lets me have them and keeps working.
And before I know it, class is over. I want to get out of there as soon as I can but Rick stops me.
"Kate?" My name being said affectionately by him stuns me. He hasn't spoken my name much and when he did, he said it in a nasty tone. I stop and turn to face him. Lanie steps back but doesn't leave without me.
His face is red and I can tell he is nervous. "I want to talk to you. Can I?"
"You're asking to speak to me as you're speaking to me?" I can't help but chuckle.
"I guess. Look, I said some really hurtful things to you while I was with Gina and that wasn't me."
"Then who was it?" I don't want a fake apology.
"I guess it was who I had become from being with Gina. But I said them, not her. I am so sorry that I called you pathetic or said that you were jealous. I was jealous. You were so strong and I was weak enough to let her control me. But I said those things in hopes of hurting you. I can't take them back but I want to move forward. Do you think you can forgive me? Hopefully be friends again?"
Again? I was never friends with him, I was the girl pining after him. I can't believe that within dumping her in less than a day, that he has made a 180° .
"I can try. But why would you want to hurt me? She did enough of that herself." I know that all my friends have gathered by the door and they are trying their hardest to eavesdrop.
"I don't know. I was afraid to admit how I really felt about things. And I never realized how badly she did hurt you. I am sorry. Someone like you should never have to be hurt like that. And I mean that someone as sweet as you shouldn't have to feel any kind of hurt." He brushes my hair out of my face and I hesitate to lean into him. Thank goodness that I have the right mindset and don't.
I want to say that I want him. That I am willing to move past things but right now I can't. I want him to work his way back into my life. I can't jump from one extreme to another. It is a process. A process that I have to prep my emotions for. One where my whole life could change. One that, I can cloud over the fears of loving and losing someone, cloud over the insecurities I feel when someone says that they care about me. I need to stop being the little girl I was when I lost my parents and start being the young woman I am.
"You did hurt me and I can't forget that Rick. You wanted to hurt me whether it was who you were with Gina or who you are now, that person hurt me. I can't just forget about that. You don't know how badly it stings to be told something that you secretly thought about yourself. You don't know the hurt I have faced and through all that hurt, you hurting me was worse. Take time and figure out why you hurt me more. Until then, I just can't." I shove my way past my friends and try to keep my emotions in check. I fight the urge to run and try to contain my tears. But as I spot my locker, I know the tears will win. I open my locker and cry into it. I want to forget about everything that I let get to me. I want to forget and move on with Rick but deep down I know that I can't. I wave everyone off and try to find peace within the space of my locker.
"Hey, what's wrong." Chance's voice rips through and when I pull my head out of my locker, I collapse safely into his arms. He rubs my back and lets me cry on him. While I have no right to except comfort from him, I am happy to know that he will give it anyway.
"I can't even begin to say what's wrong but it's not fair. I try to do the right thing and try to be the good person but why does that prove useless?" He wipes my tears from my cheeks and kisses my forehead.
"Listen, I love you and you don't feel the same way but that doesn't mean I can't be here for you, Kate. It seems to me that you know exactly what you want and you just have to let yourself have it." He kisses my head once more and walks away. I know that he is right but that doesn't stop myself from feeling empty. I don't want to take what I want because…. . . Because what?
I'm scared of what that might mean? Lanie hesitates near me and I flag her on. I know what I have to do but that doesn't mean that I'm not scared to do that. Telling Rick how I needed time, that was the logical part of me talking but I wanted to grab him and kiss him and let him belong to me. But I do need time, I need the time to figure out what being with him might mean.
"Listen, you have volleyball practice tomorrow, take out all your insecurities out on that ball. It will help." Her talking about volleyball reminded me of skateboarding.
"Shit, Tru." I quickly call her but when it goes to voicemail, I curse myself. I was so busy hurting and crying over Rick that I forgot my promise to her. I dial again and when that goes unanswered, I try Quinn. I get ahold of him and what he tells me isn't good. "What do you mean she is in the hospital?!" I can't keep my nerves down and I feel my world slipping away from me. Trace and Tru are a solid item and I have always loved them like they were my brother and sister as well. I grab my homework and begin to run.
"Kate! Wait up!" I stop for Lanie to catch up and when she does she catches my frantic look and she tries to rip it out of me.
"Tru, she has been my only friend for years and I forgot about her! She is in the hospital because of me! She was so worried about me that she went looking for me and she got into an accident. I did this to her!" Lanie shakes me and hails a cab and a part of me wants to fall apart, to stop caring for people altogether. Where does that get me? What does that get the people who I care about?
"I called Martha and she is meeting us there. Kate, this isn't your fault. She darted through traffic. It wasn't your fault! Ok?" She tries to make me not blame myself but it's too late.
"She was worried about me and I let her. I should have told her what was going on but I forgot about her. She was my only family up until I was placed in the Castle household. How could I do that? How could I let her worry about me?"
"Kate, you had a lot on your plate. Anyone would get thrown off. In the past few days, you were drugged by Chance, broke up with him, heard Rick confess his love for you, Rick broke up with Gina, he wants to mend things with you, and now Tru. Anyone, and I mean anyone, would get tossed around. But you need to stop blaming yourself for everything! Stop blaming yourself for all that has happened! Stop it!"
"But I killed my parents." Those few words that I have been holding in since I was ten fall out of me and I physically and mentally fold in on myself. I have never uttered those words but have felt them all along. I didn't know it until she told me to stop blaming myself. I feel something slip away and I don't feel like I am losing myself, I feel like I have found myself. In the dark corner of my mind, I find light. With all that has ever happened to me, I never realized that I had been holding something so heavy inside of me.
"Kate?"
I can't look up nor say a word so I just shake my head. I want to stop feeling sad about them but with grief, maybe I found happiness. I know I will never stop hurting but maybe blaming myself has ceased. I stare out the window and nervously count down the minutes till I see her. I don't know what state she will be in but as long as I can see her.
When I ask for her room number, I have to prove that we're family. I start to get angry when Trace walks up and vouches for me. He says nothing to us but just leads us straight to her room. I want to apologize and say so much more but what can I say? That I forgot about her? That I stopped contact because I had other things going on? That sounds horrible and it would sting worse coming from me. I know it would so I swallow my words.
"I am surprised you stopped by. Thought you had better things to do." Trace's words sting but I know I deserve that. But I don't respond. "I did like you, you know. I didn't act on it because of Tru but that's all over now. Haven't ever had a chance to say that." He smiles to himself and again, I am blank. I want nothing with him.
When I walk into her room, I see her with her leg and arm in a cast but she has a big smile on her face. I run to her and immediately bombard her with a hug. I ignore her grunt of pain and continue to hold her. All the worrying about her horrid state were wasted because she is perfectly fine.
"I thought you were, I don't know what." I slump on the bed next to her and try to get her better situated. "You scared me." I feel guilty for forgetting about our promise but I don't want a meager apology to escape from my lips.
"You did too. What happened to our promise? And now that you have a phone. . . How come I wasn't the first to know? How come I never knew? Kate, you forgot about me. I know that you were trying to adjust but. . . What about me?" She nibbles her lip and I know that it's her attempt to stop herself from crying.
"I am so sorry Tru. I feel absolutely terrible about it all. You have every right to hate me and the right to not be my friend. I just, I can't deal with it all. I mean, he likes me, then doesn't. I want to be with him but I won't let myself. And I don't have my parents to help sort it out. I don't have them and it's all my fault. I got you hurt, I did this Tru!" I cry and I don't care about letting someone see me because I am an open book with her, I always have been.
"I forgive you but what is with this guy thing?" She attempts to move forward but I stop her. "And your parents died because of a drunk moron! Not you! I got hit because I ran into open traffic, my fault. I am just glad that I didn't die. It would be horrible if you had to live with this guilt. Kate, if he doesn't prove how he feels, then fuck him."
I chuckle and so does Lanie. I wave her in and introduce Tru to her. They laugh at something else Tru lets slip from her mouth and I catch Trace hovering on the outside of her room. I excuse myself but Lanie and Tru are already buried into a deep conversation that they don't even pay attention to me.
"Trace? I'm sorry about letting Tru worry about me."
"And about how I feel?" He steps closer to me but I place my palm on his chest.
"I can't. I, I'm in love with someone else. And even if nothing happens with him, I could never be with you. I am so sorry about all of this. But I could use a friend." I try to make the situation better but I see how he feels. It's how I feel about Rick.
"I can't be friends with you just yet." He steps back and steps into her room. I put how I feel about Rick aside and try to sort through all my emotions and I hear my name.
Martha makes her way to me and I smile. I am no longer sad. I know what I want and I know that in time, I can have it. But I have to know who I am before I let him in. Even though the whole thing scares me because I have no idea what that means for me with the living situation. I shove it aside, because I know what I want. So he wasn't perfect and I was misguided. So he lied to me and I let myself be confused with love, we were both wrong. It feels good to know that I will get my fairytale ending. That I will be with Rick, that we will be in love. But I try to calm the blush in my cheeks and I let Martha hug me.
"Is she alright love?" I point to her room and you can hear the laughter from across the hall. "I was so worried when Lanie said that you guys were going to the hospital, I thought something was wrong with you. You guys scared me." She pulls me close to her and she squeezes me. "Don't ever scare me like that again! Ok?" I nod and she begins to relax.
"I am sorry." She shushes me and continues to hold me in her arms. I know how much I mean to her or at least I thought I did. I want to say how I feel about the whole Rick thing but I don't want to lose her. I was selfish for only thinking about what I want. What about what she wants? She wants me as her kid, but how can that happen when Rick and I get together?
"Go ahead and visit with your friend and then we can go home."
The rest of the visit with Tru was nice. We talked about boy problems and she gave me the best advice. "Take it when you can."
Lanie only stayed for dinner and she tried to help me. The minute that I brought up the living situation, she lost her words. The truth is, I can't get a grasp on that part of my plan to let Rick be mine. And in the shower, I can't figure anything else out. I am still stuck on that.
I toss and turn for what feels like hours and I decide to go out on my balcony for the fresh air. I am not supposed to be back in this room because of the primer fumes. But as I make my way to my room, I notice that Rick's light is still on. I act on impulse and step in. He looks up from his magazine and I close the door after me.
"Don't say anything. Just hold me." I step up to his bed and he tosses his covers back and I climb in. I snuggle up to him and he wraps his arms around me. He goes to turn off his light, "as long as you hold me, you can leave the light on." I lay my head on his chest and close my eyes.
I hear his heartbeat pick up speed and I snuggle closer. His grip on me tightens and I relish in his warmth. His scent crawls across me and I fight my tears. I cry silently but I know that he can tell that I am crying. He says and does nothing and I have to ease the tension.
"I was wrong to not forgive you right away. I wanted to be angry with you because you hurt me. I wanted you to beg for my forgiveness but I can't do that. That is not who I am. I love you Rick and that isn't going to change. I just want to be with you and that scares me." The silence that follows makes my heart thump.
"Don't be scared because I want to be with you too. I did deserve that cold shoulder but that didn't change my mind or how I feel. I love you too Kate and I am terrified." I feel him kiss my head and I just try to get as close as I can to him. I want to be this way whether it's right or wrong.
But the thing is, I don't think our love could ever be wrong.