Come set me free
The ground's cracking open under my feet
I'm falling down an abyss of disbelief
Now madness is opening its arms
Splitting my thoughts in two parts
Come set me free
Delight – Set Me Free
In the next morning, Jane was the first one to wake up for once, Maura still slumbering soundly next to her, despite the beeping of the alarm clock; reaching over, the detective hurriedly switched it off, then just studied her friend in silence for a few moments, thinking about what Maura had told her the previous night.
Just as she had told the doctor, she knew that this was serious, that such hallucinations could not be taken lightly; to her dismay though, she had no idea how serious exactly this might be, now cursing her lack of knowledge about psychology, wishing that she'd have all the answers for Maura, the way Maura usually had them for her.
Then, the smaller woman stirred slightly, her staring clearly being enough to tear her out of a sleep which had been uneasy enough to begin with; and moments later, Maura opened her eyes, meeting Jane's, to the detective's surprise and delight managing a small smile despite the tiredness and exhaustion she could see on the medical examiner's face.
"Good morning", Maura mumbled, turning slightly so she could prop her head up on one hand, prompting Jane to smile back at her as she wished her the same; for a few more moments, there was silence, then the taller woman spoke on, sounding concerned when she asked if perhaps, it might be wise to call in sick for the day.
"No", Maura gave back at once, not really surprising her best friend, "there's too much to be done, I can't afford to stay at home… and I don't want anyone to notice that something's wrong."
"Alright", Jane sighed, knowing that the doctor wouldn't give in anyway, no matter what she'd say now, "fine. But promise me you'll think about what I said about therapy, okay?"
"I will", the other woman reassured her, then got out of bed, letting her know that she'd go and have a shower; nodding, Jane watched her make her way into the adjoining bathroom, a heavy sigh escaping her the moment the door had closed behind the smaller woman.
Not sure what she could say to show Maura how necessary it was to at least try talking to a therapist, she remained where she was a bit longer, staring up at the ceiling, her thoughts circling around those new developments; then, she pushed those thoughts aside and told her that she had to give Maura time for now, reminding herself of the fact that it had been hard enough for the medical examiner to reveal the truth about her mental state and that she wouldn't help her by pushing her.
"It'll be okay", she whispered to herself, needing to hear those words out loud, even if they were said in her own voice, "it has to be okay…"
She threw another uneasy look at the bathroom door, then finally got out of bed and stretched; and then, she called out to Maura that she'd get breakfast started and made her way downstairs, telling herself that now, a semblance of normality and routine was just what the medical examiner needed and that she'd do everything in her power to give her exactly that.
Hours later, Maura was alone in the morgue yet again, all the techs busy in their labs, the detectives either up in the bullpen or out there, working to solve their cases; and to her relief, she had gotten most of her daily work done, thus having a few minutes she could spare to think about what Jane had suggested in the middle of the night.
The idea of seeing a therapist still didn't appeal to her all too much, but on the other hand, she now had to admit to herself that Jane had been right and that this was, indeed, serious; so far, she had been able to just ignore the alarm bells the hallucinations had set off in her mind, but now, with someone else knowing about them, it was impossible to do so much longer.
Still, the thought of someone besides Jane finding out about her going to therapy terrified her, a number of unpleasant scenarios coming up in her mind as she couldn't help, but just had to ask herself how this might affect her career; her chest tightened all at once, making it hard for her to breathe, a shiver running up and down her spine before she felt dreadfully hot, prompting her to ask herself if she was close to a circulatory collapse.
"Dr Isles!" a rather harsh voice interrupted that thought, making her flinch in her chair before she forced herself to look at the one who had entered her office unnoticed; she immediately recognized him as one of the detectives of homicide, but for a dreadful moment, could neither place his name, nor the case he was working on, a hint of relief filling her when the information popped up in her brain moments later.
"Yes, Detective Carter?" she inquired, giving her best to sound calm and polite, not wanting him to notice that she was upset and startled and not feeling well at all, "how can I help you?"
"Where's my damn report", he almost snarled at her in reply, reminding her of why exactly he was quite infamous for his bad temper; on a normal day, she just would have shrugged his behaviour off, but after that dreadful night and the dark thoughts in her mind, it was the last thing she needed, and she felt how her palms became sweaty and clammy as she fought to hold his gaze.
"I don't know", she told him, fighting hard to keep her voice steady, "perhaps you should ask Senior Criminalist Chang. As far as I know, she's still working on it."
"I don't wanna talk to senior criminalist Chang", Carter gave back, almost spitting out the words, his face reddening with fury, "it's your goddamn job to get me the damned answers I need to solve this damned case, you hear me?!"
"I do hear you", Maura let him know, torn between yelling back at him and breaking down in tears, telling herself that she wouldn't cry in front of this man, that she refused to give him the satisfaction – she wouldn't be the first woman he'd driven to tears, if the stories were true, but still, she didn't want to end up on his success list, "and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't yell at me. I'll gladly inquire for you if…"
"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't yell at me", he mimicked her in a high-pitched, ridiculous voice, "listen to me, Queen of the Dead, I'll yell at you as much as I want as long as this guy is still out there and I can't catch him because you and your little flunkies in there don't get going!"
Him referring to her as Queen of the Dead did what all his yelling hadn't done, her hands beginning to tremble, forcing her to clutch the edge of her table so he wouldn't see; hot tears filled her eyes as she imagined how this would happen to her day after day, should anyone else find out what was wrong with her, and that she might be called much worse names than that, that no one would take her seriously anymore and either treat her with kid gloves or with the same contempt Carter was displaying.
And before she could stop it, the tears started to roll down her cheeks, hot and salty, a chocked sob escaping her despite her best tries to hold it back; and despite how much her tears blurred her sight, she saw the disgusted look on Carter's face, the same emotion in his voice when he said something, even though she couldn't understand the words, the chaos in her mind keeping her from making sense of what he was saying.
Jane, her brain nearly yelled at her, Jane, I need Jane, now, she'll keep him away from me, she'll keep me safe, Jane, please come, I need you, please…
"Carter!" the deep and hoarse voice snapped, so unexpected, but so welcome that for a second, Maura was sure that she was hallucinating again, that her desperation for Jane to appear and save her from this man had pushed her over the edge yet again; and then, the detective had moved to stand between the taller man and her, glaring up at him, her voice full of anger as she went on.
"Get the Hell out of here", she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest when he looked as if he wanted to protest, "now! Or I swear to God, I'll be up at Internal Affairs within two minutes and tell them you're toeing the line yet again, and you know what will happen then!"
For a few more moments, Carter looked as if he wanted to talk back, maybe yell at her; and then, he let out a snort and, after a last contemptuous look at Maura, turned and left without another word while Jane hurried around the desk so she could pull the medical examiner into a tight embrace, holding her close and rubbing her back yet again, closing her eyes as Maura clung to her and let out one heart-wrenching sob after the other, sounding as if she never would manage to calm down again.