mario mario: the sixth son of satan and the devil's spaghetti

chapter 14: the ultimate weapon of captain brenner revealed!

so captain brenner and lin and luigi and mario escaped captain brenner's secret base through a secret door in their war room and captain brenner said "come here SURVIVORS! we will keep surviving because that is my duty as captain of this noble army to help sruvivors survive this harsh war world! unlucky for the waddle dees the army still has one secret weapon... an acnient creatue who we escavated from an egyptian dig site while searchign for SURVIORSS, MY BEST FREIND! my best friend is the survivors nto the weapon, anyway the weapon is just up here" and he led them through a hallway and they came up to a really dark and really creepy room and there was an eery ambiece annd lin turned on the light and went over to the back of the room and turned off the radio that was playing a creepy ambience track nadl in said "we use this as psychological warfare to deter people from coming into this room. it is very successful." and in the newly lightened room they coudl see am etal pod that was covered in locks and chains and captain brennser siad "this is our most closely guarded secret. the ultimate weapon. even we do not know what it does." and then brenner siad "lin! unleash the beast!" and lin walked up to a wall and took an axe out of the fire emergency case and alarms started blaring and she took the axe and she swung it and it shattered all the chains around the pods and then tehre was silence.

mario started to speak up but as soon as brenner detected the hint of breath leaving his mouth he screamed "SRUVIVOR! silence" and mario whispered "but dude you just fucking shouted" and then the room started shaking and the fire alarms all burst out at once and an incredibly powerful presence started to be felt in the room and the vegetables mayo container in luigi's back pocket burst making it look like he had semen all over his butt and luigi said "mama mia" and the pod shattered in every direction like little tiny crystal pieces as the ultimate human weapon appeared...

and a great thundering voice ran through the room screaming "DAAAAAAAAAARK DEEEEEEEDEEEEDEEHHHH" and mairo and luigi stared in awe as this giant piece of shit who vaguely resembled an obese penguin stepped out of the pod. immediately as he stepped out of the pod he began absorbing all of them towards himself trying to swallow them all into his deep dark heart. his heart was a black hole. not that it was devoid of feleing, his heart was literally ablack hole inside his body, and if he did not keep feeding it fresh matter it would start absorbign his body to quench the insatiable thirst that black holes have for matter. but the thirst kept growing, and so dark dededed had to swallow more and more things... and captain brenner screamed "SURVIVORS! USE THIS ANTI GRAVITY PARACHTUE!" so he threw an anti gravity parachute to mario and luigi and luigi grabbed it and used it and as soon as it burst open it sent them flyign through walls away from dark dededed and once they were above ground the entire bunker exploded and mario said "captain brenner was a brave man. he loved survivors. i will carry on his legacy by eating vegetables mayo" and lugii said "but mario the vegetables mayo exploded, and now it looks like i have semen all over ym butt" and mario said "that'd be pretty hot" and luigi said "mario are you gay" and mario said "no i am a cishet male. let's go. we have to kill kirby" and lugii said "but mario cishets don't think about their adopted brother's butts being slathered in the genetic material of another man." and mario said "yeah they do it's a bro thing. you're a low t male so you wouldn't understand. a high t male is a constant sexual engine, like a train that can never stop, and has no tracks, it just keeps going in a staright line forever. and anything in its path gets sexualized" and luigi said "so would you fuck this dog" and he pulled a dog out of his pants and mario said "why do you have a dog in your pants" and luigi said "there are many mysteries in ther world. many of them have been solved. many o them will be solved. some of them should have been solved but wasnt. but some mysteries, like this one, do not need an answer. they are a mystery for a reason. it is a hint by god for you to frick the fuck off" so mario frickethed the fuck off.

but not for long. the frickethed the fuck off man is rarely frickethed the fuck offeth for long. after sitting on a log and examing his life choices for the longest fifteen second of his life, he came back to luigi said "listen you stinky orphan. i am going to discover the secret behind that dog that was in your pants." and luigi said "go ahead and try. you can't do anything. you have the brain of an orphan, and it is of no surprise to me, who has known all along that our parents in the ninja clan adopted you. i am the true heir of the naruto clan" and mario said "then watch this" and he called the number for the sherlock holmes private detective agency, but because true sherlock didn't have a cell phone, because he was a member of the mushroom kingdom, and from the victorian era, he got the shitty cucumber sherlock holmes, who wasn't actually a cucumber but was named after one. the infamous pickle dick detective. the dick means detective, as in slang, not actual penis, though i've been told that he has a very small peni from years of neglect, having never suffered an erection, not even during puberty.

so mister pickle dick sherlock holmes detective arrived on dreamland island and he said "what seems to be the problem i understand you have brought a case to my attention" and mario said "well see my brother took a dog out of his pants" and sherlock said "you called me all the way here just for that? wow i am so fucking BORED. john watson, shoot this man" and john watson (future) took out his 9mm and said "say your prayers or ill say them for you bitch" and mario said 'but wait there's more" and sherlock raised an eyebrow said "but i can already tell by the way yoru nose interlaces with your eyebrows that you are an inferior man of low iq and bad genetic.s what could you possibly offer that would interest me" and mario said "there was no bulge in his pants befor ehe took the dog out." and sherlock said "i see this is an interesting case indeed. the case of the magic dog." and john watson said "actually i was thinking of calling this one a hound in the trouse" and sherlock said "what does that even mean? they may call me cucubmer bitch but you are clearly the cucumber here. i wodner what it is like to be a man of such low intelligence, attractiveness, and personal charisma sometimes, but then i remember it must suck, and i go back to doing other things. like snroting nicotine patches" and john watson was going to speak, but he held his peace. as a low iq man, his words were unwanted and would go unheeded. he had learned to accept his place. even now he could hear the words idiot, brainlet, and mind midget echoing through his mind. it was a curse. being around such a high iq man made the curse of his own unintelligence all the worse, for he was aware of his unintelligence instead of blissfully goign through life as happy as a bee covered in pollen. then john watson realized that sherlock holmes was whispering those words into his hear and he said "sherlock what are you doing" and sherlock said "gauging your reaction to your own unintelligence. fascinating. you are certainly an interesting phenomenon, john watson! one that makes my mind boggle at the implications that your existence creates." and john watson said "stop literally filling mym ind with self doubt. i was in the army. i could cap you like the cucumber bitch you are."

so then sherlock holmes walked up to luigi and patted his trousers and extensively touched his genital areas and sherlock holmes said "thsi was quite a mystery to me at first. i have to say, it really boggled my noggin. this was an extremely invigorating case, but being the super genius that i am, i have made the mystery an unmystery. luigi has legs made out of tiny dogs. his ball sweat has a special hormones that keep these tiny dogs in a microbial state. upon contact with the open air, they become life sized. this is the phenomenon of the dogs that come out of patns. truly the most interesting thing i have ever seen. ta-ta!" and sherlock holmes punched john watson and john watson got on all fours and sherlock holmes sat on john watson's back and whipped him and john watson made horse noises and the two of them galloped into the sunset. and mario said "look at them go." and luigi said "those inglorious bastards" and mario said "so are your legs really made of dogs" and luigi said "nah that guy is just dumb. let's go fight muscle mario."

so then mario and luigi continued down the path in dreamland. the path took them to the dedede castle, which now had a giant statue of kirby suplexing a dog on the top of the roof. because muscle kriby was a badass, and with his giant arms he could suplex anything. the muscle king was waiting for his challenges to arrived. he had suplex eyes all over his land, the home of suplex.