The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 14: You Can't Trust Hobos
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link flirted, Navi finally got her book, Saria scared people with her sword and they freed all the carpenters.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
"Can you open up the gate?" Saria asked the Gerudo in front of the gate to the desert.
"Hey, rookies. Are you going into the desert? I'll open this gate for you, but… You can't cross the desert unless you pass the two trials."
"And what are those trials?"
"The first trial is the River of Sand! You can't walk across this river! After you cross it, follow the flags we placed there. The second trial is the Phantom Guide! Those without the eyes that can see the truth will only find themselves returning here."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the eye of truth. Now open the gate."
"I won't stop you from going… Go ahead!" The Gerudo clapped her hands and the gate opened. "Good luck…"
"Wait, if Nabooru's headquarters is out at the Spirit Temple… How the heck did she get out there without the Lens of Truth?" Navi asked.
"Don't ask me."
"Well… There's the river of sand…" Link stated. There was a bunch of quicksand running in front of them.
"Here, I have a solution," Saria said. She grabbed Link and Longshoted across the river. "Problem solved."
"Now we have to follow all the flags…"
After a little while, they found themselves in front of a hobo on a magic carpet.
"What are you doing all the way out here in the desert?" Navi asked the hobo.
"I set up my store here," the hobo replied.
"That's a stupid idea. Nobody ever comes out here."
"Well you just did! Would you like to buy my rare product?"
"What is it?"
"It is an extremely rare item! Only 200 rupees!"
"Wow! I sure would like something very rare!" Link exclaimed. He gave the hobo 200 rupees.
Link got a Bombchu!
"Heh heh! Suckers!" the hobo laughed. He flew away on his carpet.
"I wonder what it does…" Link wondered. He put it on the ground. It moved a few meters and then blew up. "… Are you kidding? I wasted that money for a moving bomb?"
"That's why you can't trust hobos," Saria told him. "I'm so glad that money came out of your wallet and not mine!"
Link groaned.
"BUILDING!" Link screamed. He dove into a hole that lead into the building. "Whew! I can see clearly again!"
Saria and Navi followed after him.
"I think I got sand in my boot." Link took off his shoe and dumped out all the sand. There was a completely unrealistic amount of sand inside it.
"Link, we have to keep going," Navi told him. "The sooner we leave, the sooner we'll get there."
"Oh fine."
Link and Saria climbed out of the hole. Saria looked at an engraving on a nearby rock.
"There's supposed to be a ghost that leads us to the Spirit Temple," Saria stated. She took out the Lens of Truth and a Poe appeared.
"Hello there! I am your guide to the Spirit Temple!" the Poe greeted. "Come along now!"
The Poe began to fly away.
"Follow it!" Navi ordered.
"I can't see it!" Link said.
"Follow me then!" Saria told him. She started chasing the Poe.
Much time later, they finally got to the Desert Colossus. The Poe disappeared.
"We're here!" Link exclaimed. "No more sandstorms!"
"Look! There's the Spirit Temple!" Navi said.
"I hope there's air conditioner in there…"
"Wait! Look at those two trees over there right next to the wall! Doesn't it seem kind of… suspicious?" Saria asked. She ran over to it. "There's a crack here!" She blew up the crack with bombs. The wall blew up, revealing an entrance.
They all walked in.
"No… No!" Link screamed. "Not the Great Fairy!"
There was a hideous cackle and the Great Fairy came out of the fountain.
"Heroes! I am another Great Fairy of Magic! Accept my gift!" the Great Fairy said.
Link got Nayru's Love!
"What does it do?" Link questioned.
"It protects you from everything for thirty seconds," the Great Fairy answered. She cackled and went back into the fountain.
"That was shorter than I thought," Saria spoke.
In the Spirit Temple…
"So! Here's the first room…" Navi said. "There are two sides…"
"One has a tiny hole…" Saria started.
"And one has a giant heavy block," Link finished.
"I don't think we can move that block right now, but I think I might be able to fit in the hole."
"No! No! We can't mess up the game!" Navi yelled. "Since you normally aren't supposed to be here, we would probably have to go into the past in order to go in there! If we go through the hole in the future, we might screw the story."
"Well fine, but I hope you are aware that we aren't members of the fortress in the past."
So they exited the temple. Sheik dropped in front of them.
"Past, present, future… The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river," Sheik spoke. "The port for that ship is the Temple of Time…"
"Yeah, so?" Saria asked.
"To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time's flow. Listen to the Requiem of Spirit. This melody will lead a child back to the desert."
"Oh, that song will warp us back here so we can get back in the past."
"Right." Sheik took out his harp and played the tune. Saria repeated it.
"I'll see you again. By the way, in the past, once you complete it, don't freak…"
"Freak about what?" Saria asked, but Sheik was already gone. And Link was already playing the Prelude of Light.
Once they were back in the Spirit Temple in the past…
"All right, now to get through that hole-" Saria started, but there was a Gerudo in the way. "Hello?"
"Hi there!" Link greeted.
"Who- What do you want?" the Gerudo asked.
"Umm, nothing?"
"You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor, kid?"
"… Sure?"
"Wait a second, I want to ask you first-you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's… followers… would you?"
"Heck no. That guy is a freak."
"Uh-huh! You've got guts. I think I like you."
"Aw, really?"
"First of all, let me introduce myself. I'm Nabooru of the Gerudo. I'm a lone wolf thief. But don't get me wrong! Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf."
"That's good."
"With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people!"
"He's evil. Very evil."
"A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years."
"How does that work?" Saria asked. "They can only have girls except for once a century?"
"What if the boy baby gets sick?" Link questioned.
"They never do, somehow…" Nabooru replied. "Even though our laws say that the lone male Gerudo must become the King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such an evil man! By the way, what's your name, kid?"
"I'm Link!"
"I'm Saria," Saria told Nabooru.
"I'm Navi, but you probably don't care," Navi said.
"Link? What kind of name is that?" Nabooru asked.
"There's a carpenter named Ichiro. Don't go calling Link's name weird," Saria told her.
"Well… Anyway… I want to ask you a favor… Will you go through this tiny hole and get the treasure that's inside? The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things!"
"Really?" Link asked, exciting.
"No, no, no, kid! Don't even think about taking this treasure for yourself! The Silver Gauntlets won't fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them! I want you to be a good boy and give them to me!"
"Wait, so I'll never be able to wear them?" Saria complained. "Dang it! Sometimes being a Kokiri comes with some annoying things…"
"Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the temple. Once there, I'm going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans! How about it? Will you do it?"
"Do I get anything from this?" Link questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, we'll do it," Navi answered.
"Thanks! You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?" Nabooru said, grinning.
"So… His hideout is behind that giant block, right?" Saria asked, pointing to the other side of the room.
"Yes. Now if you can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets, I'll do something great for you!"
"Into the temple!" Link said, crawling into the hole. Saria followed.
"Nabooru is totally the Sage of Spirit," Navi stated.
"Has to be," Saria replied.
"Did we just get skipped all the way to the end of the dungeon?" Saria asked.
"Probably," Navi replied.
"OH NOEZ! ARMORED THINGY!" Link screamed, pointing at the Iron Knuckle on the other side of the room.
"Don't worry Link, it's just a statue. It's not moving."
Link walked up to the Iron Knuckle. He poked it. The Iron Knuckle stood up and raised its axe.
"OH CRAP!" Link yelled, running behind Saria. "Navi! You lied to me!"
"How was I supposed to know it wasn't actually a statue?!" Navi argued.
"NONE SHALL PASS!" the Iron Knuckle said. "Without a Spirit Temple card!"
"Umm… Here?" Saria gave the Iron Knuckle a gift certificate that Mido had given her a heck long time ago.
"Permission granted!" The Iron Knuckle let them through and gave the card back to Saria.
"Okay… Just out of curiosity, and don't take this the wrong way, but can you see?"
"Nope! Now please pass already!"
"Well, sure…"
So they went through the door and found themselves outside, standing on one of the hands of the temple.
"Treasure chest! Yay!" Link cheered. He ran over and opened it.
Link got the Silver Gauntlets!
"Oh! Good! Now let's go give them to Nabooru!" Navi said.
"Hey, whuzzup peeps?" a familar voice asked.
They all turned around.
"No…" Saria started.
"It can't be…" Navi muttered.
"NOOO!" they all screamed.