One more chapter to go! I'm both excited and a little sad, so I prolonged it a bit by making this chapter three times longer than it was supposed to be.
Shameless plug no jutsu! Just a few days ago, I started my next story, Tautology, which I have been talking about in the past few author's notes. If you are enjoying this story, then I encourage you to go check it out.
Your favorites and reviews are always appreciated. Thanks so much for the support!
-Kano
Date 10: Jake the Short-lived
Integra flopped into a chair at the table where she was supposed to meet her final date. A waiter kindly brought her whiskey on the rocks, which lasted all of thirty seconds. After the night's events, she was quite eager for this date; after all, this was the last dreadful date she would have to meet. A blonde-haired gentleman… well perhaps that wasn't the best description... a blonde-haired man, she supposed, moved to sit across from her. His hair was actually quite impressive, Integra decided. She had never seen such a stunning recreation of a rats' nest created with human hair before. Between the gauges the size of bracelets, the tattoo of a dead hooker down his left arm, and obvious lack of daddy's affection, Integra could already tell that this date was going to be par for the course. Nine down, one to go.
She opened her mouth to speak just as he began to sit, but his backside never connected with the chair. The blonde found himself lying on the floor, wide eyes staring up at the ceiling in utter shock. The chair itself was a foot to the left, noticeably lacking an occupant. Instead, a familiar figure grasped the back of the chair, smirking widely.
His usual coat had been swapped out for a suit jacket. His hat had been left at home, though his gloves remained. His long hair, usually disheveled had been… gasp… combed and pulled back into a neat ponytail. His crimson eyes flashed with amusement as he sat on the chair formerly belonging to the little blond man, who was staring up at him in pure terror.
"If you don't mind, this is my seat," Alucard said with just a suggestion of malice. The man slated to be Integra's date crawled away on all fours as fast as he could manage, whimpering softly.
"Alucard, you vampiric asshole!" Integra chided. "What was that for?!"
"I was just saving my master from what was doomed to be a waste of her time," he chuckled, clearly proud of himself.
"He seemed perfectly nice," she lied for the simple pleasure of disagreeing with her servant. The Hellsing director had to pinch her knee under the table to even get the sentence out.
"Master, from the looks you were giving him, my interference was absolutely necessary. You would have killed him by now."
"I have more self-control than that!" she insisted. Alucard simply snorted.
"This coming from the guy who tries to eat people for breakfast," she shot back, perhaps a little louder than necessary. People at the surrounding tables were starting to give them odd looks. Integra put her elbows on the table and leaned forward, dropping her voice to a whisper but retaining all of its intensity. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"
"You eat instant oatmeal. Your culinary palate isn't the gold standard."
Despite the drop in decibels, Integra noticed that their conversation was still drawing interesting looks, most dangerously from one person in particular.
Look, Alucard, she said telepathically, nodding over the vampire's left shoulder.
"Look where?" he sighed, disinterested.
Keep it down! the Hellsing director hissed.
I could care less if these ridiculous people heard us.
James! James, you idiot! He's listening to us.
Good! He could use a healthy fear of me.
She pointedly stared into Alucard's eyes to avoid the searching glance of her unwanted date. He's looking this way!
"How about that weather?" she said loudly in a strange, halting voice.
The vampire raised an eyebrow at her.
We look strange just staring at each other and not talking, Integra explained.
Well you look strange talking about a subject that bores other people to tears.
Fine. You pick the topic.
"So… do you want to come back to my place later?" he asked with a devilish grin.
It took all of Integra's willpower not to ram her face into the table out of sheer frustration. Firstly, we live under the same roof. Secondly, most girls wait until the third date.
Maybe you just haven't been dating the right women. Have you talked to Alex - "Ow!" he whined out loud. Integra had just walloped him with her purse. "What do you keep in there? Rocks?!"
"Mace. For people like you."
Was that really necessary? Alucard demanded.
I've seen you take far worse damage, she said nonchalantly. Besides, how else would you expect a lady to respond to a question like that?
Yes?
Integra shook her head; he was impossible. No.
Don't look now, master, but the stalker is coming up behind you.
"If you cease such behavior, maybe we can have a cup of coffee together," she babbled in a poor attempt to be a normal couple.
Alucard looked Integra straight in the eyes. "I would enjoy that, Miss Hellsing," he replied, serious for once.
The Hellsing director felt her cheeks grow a little warm. So he did have the capacity to be a gentleman after all.
Before she could enjoy the moment, however, an overly-familiar hand caressed her shoulder.
"Integra Hellsing," James greeted cheerily, blatantly ignoring Alucard. "Would you mind if I sat down?"
"I'm sorry James. I'm on a date," came the curt answer.
"With your brother?" It was the lame explanation they had given outside, and they were forced to abide by it.
"My original date… had to leave," she grimaced as she begrudgingly pulled out a chair for him. "Alucard was just being kind and keeping me company."
His eyes widened at the mention of the vampire's name. Instead of taking the chair he asked for, James explained, "I won't be here for long. I just wanted to apologize for being so clingy tonight, though we barely know each other. But you're such a catch and I didn't want to see you taken by any of these pathetic men." His eyes flashed toward Alucard, whose eyes narrowed angrily. "Can I buy you a drink as an apology present?"
Maybe it would convince him to leave… "Sure," Integra agreed. "Rum and coke?"
"You got it." With that James stood and pushed in his chair, heading towards the bar.
The Hellsing director heaved a huge sigh of relief as her stalker walked away. They had survived another meeting without anyone leaving in a body bag. It was unprecedented… which reminded her…
"Alucard, what happened outside? Where is Chris?"
She was deprived of an answer when the lights went out and a patch of colored lights flicked on over the dance floor.
"Alright happy singles!" the cheery blonde announcer called into the microphone. "Your final date is over. Did everyone have a good time?"
A few people cheered half-heartedly, and the announcer's plastic smile faded ever so slightly. "Well before we finish up tonight, the dance floor will be open for another half-hour to give everyone plenty of time to exchange information and set up those second dates!"
The cheering was more enthusiastic, and the small wooden floor was swarmed like the last donut at an office meeting.
"What did you do to Chris?" she repeated over the thumping bass.
"He had to go," the vampire replied tersely.
That was suspicious. "Did you scare him off?" she demanded.
"No!" The vampire sounded like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He vehemently denied the obvious truth while sounding shocked and appalled that he was ever suspected.
"Then what did you do to him?"
"He found the sibling explanation… unconvincing."
"And?"
"I gave him another."
"Alucard!" she hissed, trying to keep her temper in check. "What did you tell him?!"
You probably don't want me to repeat it out loud.
Integra grimaced, removing her glasses to rub the bridge of her nose. Just say it, she sighed.
I explained that we were married, and that we had an argument.
Dammit Alucard! I wanted a second date with him.
Sorry, he apologized. His words were apologetic, but his tone was practically gleeful.
Did James buy it, at least?
The man in question was returning to their table with one single glass and an odd look on his face. I don't believe so.
James set the drink down in front of the blonde woman. "Enjoy," he said. "And see you around."
That was it. He left.
Or maybe he did, Integra pondered cheerily. To no more James, she toasted, taking a big swig from her glass.
That can be arranged, master.
Alucard! What have I told you about disposing of people?
That I'm not allowed to.
That's right. I expressly forbid you to harm James.
The vampire muttered darkly, but said nothing.
Integra downed her glass just to fill the ensuing awkward silence, hiccuping loudly as she set it back onto the white linen tablecloth.
You know, master, it is probably unwise to drink from an open glass given to you by an insane person.
Probably, but after a night like tonight, I simply can't pass up a good drink.
Think of all the things he might have done to it.
I think I'd be able to notice if my drink had been tampered with, she said in a patronizing tone.
Really? the vampire asked skeptically. His master wasn't the most perceptive person...
Really, she insisted.
Did you notice that your rum and coke is mostly rum?
It was a bit strong, she supposed. So?
Has it occurred to you that your stalker friend is trying to get you drunk?
It hadn't, as a matter of fact. Why are you so concerned, anyway?
Just be careful, dammit, the vampire grimaced, avoiding the question like a seasoned politician.
Again, a strained silence fell between them, punctured only by the rhythmic beat of the music. Integra soon found herself watching the growing mob on the dance floor, socializing like a bunch of teenagers at a high school dance. Alucard's eyes too were drawn to the swaying bodies, she noticed.
Ted was on the floor, dancing his heart out, poorly she might add, with a seemingly lovely lady. She was happy for him; he was a nice, if forward, guy and deserved a nice girl. Mike, thankfully, sat in the corner on his cellphone, presumably checking on the state of paladin. No one needed to see him shake his moneymaker, at least not if they wanted to keep their dinner down. Chris was noticeably absent.
Matt, her lecherous date from earlier in the evening, was sandwiched in between two scantily clad women, having what appeared to be an artistic seizure of dance. One of them appeared to be Alex. She would bet her bottom dollar that it would be an... eventful... evening for them.
"You should go join them," he teased, jerking his thumb toward Alex and Matt.
Integra rolled her eyes at his lewd implications. "I think I'll pass," she said sourly. "Besides, with the way Matt is dancing, he's going to injure someone shortly."
"I wonder if he has epilepsy."
"I wonder if he has a pick-up line for that..."
"Wanna come back to my place and turn on some strobe lights?"
Alucard's comment reached Integra's ears just as she was taking a sip of her drink. It was very nearly sprayed all over his neatly-pressed suit, but the blonde woman managed to contain herself. She swallowed the last of her rum and coke without incident, giggling as she set the empty glass down.
"It's a rare occasion when I get to hear you laugh," the vampire commented. "It's pleasant. You should laugh more often."
"Homicidal vampires don't usually inspire laughter," she explained.
"You don't find it funny when the creatures that bill themselves as invincible immortals are torn down by one of their own. That's usually why I laugh."
"I hate to break it to you, Alucard, but you aren't exactly the textbook definition of normal."
"Neither is that guy's dancing."
They took a moment to savor the poor inebriated gentleman's attempt at the worm, which might very well have resulted in some broken teeth.
"Oh dear, another seizure," Integra joked. "We're going to need some paramedics in here."
Alucard crossed his arms over his chest, muttering something under his breath with a frustrated look on his face.
"I didn't catch that," the Hellsing director said, knowing full well the comment probably wasn't meant for her.
I said James will need a paramedic if he continues this behavior, he threatened telepathically.
Integra spotted James talking to a black-haired woman in a far corner. She was trapped between the wall and the man, and neither of them looked happy.
"Does his treatment of women really make you that angry?" Integra asked, confused.
"His treatment of you, master, makes me angry."
"So he's talking to another woman. I'm okay with that, really."
"You can't hear their conversation."
"What are they saying?"
"If I repeated it, I might just lose my temper."
It was the last thing any of them wanted.
"Why don't we just leave?" Integra proposed. "I'm done here."
Her vampiric companion nodded, and rose. The Hellsing director moved to do the same, but had to steady herself on the table. The ground seemed to dance beneath her feet; the room seemed to spin. Maybe she had more to drink than she thought... Alucard grabbed her by the arm and escorted her to the door, but someone blocked their way.
"Leaving so soon?" the perky event host asked.
"Yesh. It was a loverly event," Integra said, slurring her words ever so slightly and swaying where she stood.
You're drunk, master.
I'm not really as think as you drunk I am.
Right. Let's get you home.
I don't wanna! Integra whined with the force and determination of a three-year-old's temper tantrum.
"There's only one more dance left," the announcer said. "You two seem like such a wonderful match. There's no better way to end your first date than with a little romantic dancing."
Integra cringed. Dancing brought back bad memories of horrible bruises and two left feet. Alucard seem equally as disenchanted, judging by the venomous expression he gave the cheery event coordinator. Regardless, she grabbed them each by the hand and led disgruntled pair to the dance floor.
"You can thank me later," she called over her shoulder as she rushed away to guard the door from any more fleeing couples.
Sure enough, the club music ended and the DJ put a slow song on to end the night. It was smooth jazz. An alto saxophone played a soft melody, then began to improvise an ornamented version. Master and servant found themselves trapped by the swirling bodies and by the perky event host on guard duty. With a shrug, Alucard offered Integra his hand.
Integra felt her cheeks blaze as she placed her hand in his, which naturally made the vampire smirk.
"You're blushing, master," he noticed.
"Am not!" she lied. "It mush be the lights." The vampire raised an eyebrow at the slurred words. It was clear that they unsettled him.
The Hellsing director took a step, trying to nonchalantly get into position for their dance. Unfortunately instead, Integra tripped over her own shoe and fell with the grace only a drunk person can obtain, right into Alucard's chest.
"A-are you unharmed, m-master?" he stuttered, putting his arm around her waist to prevent her from falling to the floor.
Alucard? Stuttering? Even on this most unusual of days, that was unusual behavior, Integra noted, palms pressed against pecs. Was he flustered? Had she flustered him? The room suddenly seemed unbearably warm...
"Perhaps we should sit this one out," he suggested, making an attempt to lead her off the dance floor.
"No!" she protested vehemently, a little more forceful than necessary. "We... would look odd."
"Fine," Alucard agreed, a little too quickly. He gingerly placed a gloved hand above her hip and she hesitantly laid her delicate hand on his shoulder. They then clasped their remaining hands together. Taking great pains to avoid any kind of eye contact, the two awkwardly swayed in place, barely moving.
Alucard wasn't half bad at this, Integra decided. She, however, was exactly as bad as she remembered. It also wasn't helping that the room was swirling around her like a hurricane despite the fact that they were barely even moving. Her shoes felt like bricks strapped to her feet, scraping across the floor. She was very grateful that her vampiric dance partner, arrogant that he was, didn't try to show off and spin her, or some other fancy nonsense. She was convinced that she would lose her dinner in the process.
The mere thought made her go from dizzy to nauseous. She covered her mouth with her hand and broke free of Alucard's grasp. I'll be right back, she told him telepathically, too afraid to open her mouth. The Hellsing director stumbled toward the ladies room as fast as she could, taking an unintentionally winding path. Taking her place in her regular stall, she just voided the contents of her stomach all over her shoes. The dizziness overtook her, and she collapsed to the floor.
Stay tuned for the final chapter.