A/N: god, it's been a while. family happened. and writer's block happened. my muse decided to take a winter vacation as well. she went away somewhere tropical and left me with nothing. she still hasn't come back yet so this chapter isn't the greatest.
thanks so much to the six of you that have reviewed in the last few weeks. i hope you guys like this chapter.
Chapter Fourteen: Last Place You Look
•••••
She felt something lightly touch her lips. She swatted at it without opening her eyes. Her hand failed to connect with anything. She rolled over onto her side and attempted to get back to sleep. She felt it again, this time on her cheek.
"Go away." She muttered. It happened again. This time however, she was awake enough to determine that what she was feeling was somebody kissing her. She opened her eyes then quickly shut them again. "Go away." She repeated, this time much more firmly.
"Now why would I want to do that?" She heard him ask.
"Because I don't like you." She said. She sat up, knowing he wasn't going anywhere when she was like that.
"Why'd you sit up? I was about ready to get undressed and hop in there with you." He said and sat down on the side of her bed. She quickly jumped up, knowing she didn't feel safe with having him that close. "Peyton, not this again. I thought we got over it last time?"
"Last time was a mistake, Rick. God, what do you think I am, some slut?"
"Well... yes."
"Yeah, well, I'm not." She said, sure that she really wasn't. He stood up, walked around her bed, and right up to her.
"Then what about last time? And the time before? You may say you're not. You may think you're not. But history says differently." He grabbed her and pulled her into a quick kiss. She pulled back instantly. "I'll be back in a few days, see if you've warmed up to the idea any then. Especially when you've run out." He said as he motioned to her bathroom. She looked in to see the vial of cocaine from a few nights before still sitting there, half full. He walked out of her room. She waited until she heard the door shut downstairs before she let her guard down.
What if he was right? What if she really was a slut? She slept with him twice, once for drugs. What did that say about her? She sat down on her bed, her eyes scanning the room for something to take her mind off of her thoughts. A picture caught her eye. It was a picture of herself, Brooke and Haley. It was taken around six months ago. She wondered what would happen if they ever found out the truth. What would they say if they found out she had slept with Rick for cocaine? She didn't want to think about that.
She looked at her alarm clock. It read six thirty-two. She wondered why Rick had stopped by so early. Maybe to catch her before she went to school. School. She had to wake up in an hour to go to school. To face Brooke and Haley. She couldn't, not after this. She turned off the alarm to the clock. She would see them on Monday, after she'd had time to calm down. She laid back down in her bed and closed her eyes, hoping to block out all of her cancerous thoughts by simply going to sleep.
•••••
She awoke later that night. She looked at the clock. It read eight twenty-two. She had slept for fourteen hours. But that wasn't including the eight hours of sleep she had gotten that night. She had woken up some during the course of the day but only to turn over on her side or her back and fall back into a fitful sleep. She heard a knock on her front door and decided to ignore it. She thought for sure who ever it was would go away. She turned over onto her side. They'd go away if she didn't answer the door.
She realized otherwise when she heard her front door open and shut and the sound of steps make a path closer and closer to her bedroom until she knew the owner of those feet was standing in her doorway. She kept her eyes closed and prayed they would go away. After what felt like hours and no sounds of the person retreating, she pretended to wake up. She rolled over onto her back and slowly opened her eyes.
"Good morning."
"Good night." She said with a smile. She looked over to see Haley leaning on the inside of her doorframe. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see if you were all right." Peyton looked at Haley curiously. "You weren't at school today. I wanted to come to make sure you weren't going back down that skipping school path you were on." Peyton nodded.
"You could've just called. You didn't need to come all this way just to check up on me." Peyton said and closed her eyes again. Sleep was still trying to overcome her.
"Well, I was on my way home from work and you weren't that far out of the way. Plus, I've called four times already today and decided the chances of you answering a fifth call were pretty slim." Peyton smiled innocently. After a few moments, she felt a body lay down beside her. She could feel Haley's eyes were focused on her.
Haley resisted the urge to touch her hand that was laying so very close to where she was sitting. Instead, she looked up and looked around Peyton's room, trying to get her hormones in check. She didn't like what she saw. She knew what it was even from that distance. She looked back down at the blonde, wondering what was really going on.
"Peyton..." Haley said softly then trailed off. Peyton opened her eyes to find a very concerned Haley staring back at her. She took in a deep, ragged breath. "Have you been doing cocaine again?" Haley asked. Peyton froze, wondering where that question could've come from.
"What?"
"Answer the question, Peyton. Have you been doing cocaine again?"
"I was. But I'm not anymore. I'm done with it."
"Then why is there some in there?" She asked and pointed to the bathroom. Peyton's eyes went wide when she realized the cocaine from the other night was still sitting on her bathroom cabinet. She didn't know what to say. So she didn't say anything. She shrugged.
Haley watched the blonde carefully. She wondered if Peyton was high right then. She could feel the sadness and anger and disappointment building up inside of her at the thought of Peyton slowly destroying herself. But mostly she felt pain. Pain because she knew that the only way Peyton would ever do something like that was if she was in pain. She hated thinking of Peyton in pain.
"Why?" Haley whispered.
"I don't know." Peyton answered, keeping her eyes focused on the ceiling, knowing she wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment she would see in Haley's eyes. She forced herself out of her bed. She sat down at her desk and hoped for something to pop into her head, some idea that would get her out of this situation. She couldn't tell Haley the truth. Not all of it.
"You can do this to yourself, Peyton." Haley started as she walked up to the blonde. "This isn't you. You're better than this."
"But what if I'm not?" She whispered. It was an honest question. She truly didn't know what was something she would do and what wasn't. All of the lines were blurred now, nothing was making any sense. Peyton looked up at her, the uncertainty showing very clearly through her tear-filled eyes.
"You are. You're so much better than this. God, Peyton." She bent down on the ground in front of her and took Peyton's hands in her own. "Sweetie, you can't keep doing this to yourself."
"But why?" She asked, finally looking into Haley's eyes, hoping to find her answers there.
"Because this is not the way to handle your pain. This will only destroy you in the end." She inhaled another ragged breath, making her suddenly aware that she was on the edge of tears. "Please, don't hurt yourself like this anymore. It hurts knowing that you're in that much pain." Peyton's expression changed from regret to confusion.
"Why do you care so much?"
"Because I want you to be happy. And drugs aren't happiness. No matter how great it makes you feel, Peyton, you always have to come down from that high. And the more times you go up, the harder the crash is going to be." Haley said all in one breath. "You know, you can always come to me. Always. All you have to do is call and I'll come running over to keep your mind off of that stuff. You can beat this, Peyt. And I can help you. We can get through this together. Ok?" Peyton nodded.
"There's one thing I have to do first." Peyton whispered and went into her bathroom with Haley on her heels. She grabbed the vial of cocaine. She quickly turned it upside down over the toilet and flushed all of its contents. She threw the vial in the trash and looked back at Haley. "I can do this." Haley nodded.
"We can do this." Peyton nodded.
"So now what?" She said after taking a deep breath.
"Now, I think we still need to talk." Haley said.
"This sounds like a conversation that isn't going to be very fun."
"It's not. But neither is the next few weeks. But you've got to get through it." Peyton nodded. Haley moved back into Peyton's room; Peyton followed her. Haley sat down on Peyton's bed; Peyton sat across from her at her desk. Haley took in a ragged breath before starting again. "How did this happen, Peyton? I thought you weren't going to go down this road again?"
"I wasn't. I tried so hard not to, but Rick kept bugging me and I said yes once and after that it seemed I couldn't say no."
"Rick." Haley said quietly. That name made her think of just a few hours ago. She had been sitting in the cafe with Brooke talking about Peyton. Brooke had let it slip that Peyton had slept with Rick only a few days ago. She felt her heart ache at the thought of Peyton sleeping with that guy.
"Yeah." Peyton whispered.
"Did you sleep with him?" Haley asked, sure that Brooke was wrong about everything. Peyton wouldn't do that.
"W-why do you ask that?" Peyton asked, suddenly feeling very blindsided. Haley noticed her expression and knew what Brooke had said was the truth. Peyton looked extremely guilty.
"You slept with him." Haley stated softly. Peyton hesitated, closing her eyes then nodding. "Why?" She regretted it the instant it came out of her mouth, but she had to know.
"You want the truth?" Haley nodded. "The truth... the disgusting truth is, I slept with him once for payment. I slept with him the second time because I wanted to feel appreciated. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me, and I wanted more than anything to feel wanted by someone."
Haley could feel her stomach churn at the thought of Rick's hands on Peyton, his lips kissing hers. She looked away from the blonde, hoping that if she didn't look at her, she could get the nauseating visuals out of her head. She then wondered how Peyton could think so low of herself to sell herself like she had done. She wanted to show Peyton just what she thought of her.
She knows. She knows. Oh God, she knows. She hates me. She can't even look at me she's that disgusted, Peyton thought. She could feel the tears starting in her eyes. She had lost Haley. There's no way they'd ever be friends after that. Haley didn't hang out with druggies. She had lost her. That one thought scared her more than anything ever had before.
"I'm sorry." Peyton whispered. Haley looked back at her and could see that Peyton was afraid. The look in Peyton's eyes sent chills down Haley's spine.
"What for?" She asked softly, hoping her tone would help ease Peyton at least a little bit.
"Everything. I can see the disappointment in your eyes."
"I'm not disappointed in you, Peyt. I'm just really saddened by everything you've gone through. You could never disappoint me, Peyton. Never." Peyton nodded. "I just wish you could see yourself the way that I see you." One of Peyton's eyebrows shot up.
"How do you see me?"
"You're so smart, and so talented. And when you want to be, when you think no one is listening, you're funny. And so beautiful." Haley paused there, startled by her last few words. Peyton's eyebrows furrowed and her brown eyes were now locked on to Haley. Haley knew she had said too much; it was right there for Peyton to see, so she might as well confirm it. "I love you, Peyton." Peyton's eyes went wide.
"What?"
"I do. I have for a while. And I realize that of all times now probably isn't the best time to tell you, but I did and I'm not sorry that I did. I think it's something you needed to hear."
"Haley, you can't be serious."
"Why not?" Haley asked, her voice nearly catching in her throat. She didn't like the way this was beginning to play out. Peyton looked too unhappy about it for Haley to be comfortable.
"Because you just can't." Peyton said as she stood up. She turned away from the brunette on her bed and started pacing. She could feel Haley's eyes on her, begging her to continue, to finish her thoughts, but she couldn't. If she told Haley the truth, it'd only hurt Haley in the end. She couldn't be the one to hurt Haley. She knew she would hurt her if the two of them were to go anywhere. She only lets people down in the end. She stopped pacing with her back to the brunette. "Please go." She whispered. She could feel her heart breaking at the thought of what her words could be doing to Haley.
Haley stood up from the bed and paused. She could feel her world shattering in front of her. Peyton was only a few feet in front of her, but she was still so very far away. She longed to close the gap between them but knew she had done everything she could do. She fought everything in her mind telling her to run out of the room. Instead, she slowly left the room, turning only when she had reached the door.
"Please. Be safe." She whispered and then left.
When she heard the front door close shut, Peyton's knees buckled underneath her. She fell to the floor as she began sobbing. She pulled her legs to her chest, causing her to curl into a ball. She bit her knee in an attempt to get herself to calm down. It didn't work.
She wondered why she had done what she had done. Haley had put herself out there, and Peyton had shut her down so completely. If Haley was telling the truth- Peyton knew she wasn't one to lie- if she really was in love with Peyton, Peyton couldn't imagine the pain she had just caused. She wanted to put herself back together and run after the girl she loved so much, tell her she felt the same way. But she knew it was better for Haley to get hurt now than later. She was preventing Haley from hurting worse in the future; it really was for the best. She wondered why it hurt so much.
•••••
A/N: so.. I realize, you're probably not really very happy with that. but at least this chapter had something happen in it... right::scolds the last few chapters for being boring::