Happy new year! I hope 2014 has started out good for you guys. Thank you as always for reading and reviewing, seriously, it's great to read all the lovely things people say about this, so thanks again! This one ended up pretty long, again. I just can't seem to edit things down. The next update won't be for at least a week because I'm going on vacation, so I hope this one will do until then. Until next time, enjoy!
Chapter 14: Three Words
Emily smiled as she stirred back into consciousness, the softest of kisses being placed to her shoulder. Mornings at Paige's were quickly becoming one of her favourite things lately. Emily liked waking up in Paige's arms, she liked the way Paige would tug her closer when she began to stir. She liked the soft kisses Paige would trail along her neck and she liked feeling Paige smiling against her skin. She liked the way Paige's voice was always huskier when they first woke up; it never failed to send a shiver down her spine. She liked the way Paige would sometimes let her hand trail lower, teasingly or intently, much like she had last night.
Last night.
Emily's face tugged into a frown. She reached out for the arm around her waist, only to remember it wasn't there, her mind finally pulling into wakefulness. Evan had slept between them, and Paige hadn't wanted to talk last night, let alone cuddle up. She turned over, rubbing her eyes softly. It wasn't a kiss she'd felt against her shoulder. Emily found Evan sitting up beside her, looking at her expectantly, his hand gently shaking her shoulder. The first words from his mouth were an apology for his impatience; he explained he didn't want to wake Emily, but he was hungry and Paige was gone.
After rubbing the sleep from her eyes once again, Emily sat up and surveyed the room; no Paige in sight. She led Evan into the kitchen, leaving him waiting at the counter before checking the hallway, then the bathroom, then the bedroom. Evan was right, Paige was gone. Thoroughly confused, Emily made her way back into the kitchen, Evan still waiting patiently at the counter.
She did her best to ignore the unease that had washed over her thanks to Paige's sudden absence, choosing to busy herself in the kitchen. After all, Evan was hungry. Thankfully she'd spent enough time watching Paige cook to know roughly where to find everything in the now familiar kitchen, gathering up the supplies she needed to make the pancakes Evan requested. She tried her best to remember how to make pancake batter; Spencer, ever one for practicality, usually settled for pre-made ones to save time in the mornings, though in truth they rarely had cooked breakfasts in their apartment anyway. It was always Paige who insisted on cooking breakfast; making Emily pancakes, or waffles, or eggs.
"Paige normally makes them into dinosaurs," Emily heard Evan saying behind her, her lips tugging into a frown as she stared down at the bowl in front of her. Evan would be lucky to get pancakes that looked like pancakes, let alone dinosaurs.
"I can't cook like Paige sweetie," Emily said apologetically, ladling the mixture into the pan.
"Where is Paige?" Evan asked as Emily set the syrup down in front of him. That was the question.
"I'm not sure," Emily said with another frown. She wished she had a better answer for Evan; a better answer for herself even. It wasn't like Paige, her Paige, to just disappear, and for all Emily knew there would be a perfectly reasonable explanation, it did nothing to ease the sense of hopelessness she felt as Evan stared up at her.
"She's coming back though, right?" There was something about the look on Evan's face that made Emily's stomach twist. It was genuine fear that plagued his features, unsettling Emily enough for her to walk over and wrap an arm around his shoulder.
"Of course she is, why wouldn't she be?"
"Caitlin says it's only a matter of time before she leaves again." Emily frowned for the umpteenth time that morning at Evan's reasoning. She had noticed the night before that Caitlin was more withdrawn than usual, and was aware that Paige had been dodging her Mother's calls for the best part of a week, and in turn she figured, dodging her family altogether. She was also aware of the time it had taken for Paige to regain Caitlin's trust; Emily guessed Caitlin's sudden anger probably had something to do with a combination of the two. "I want her to stay."
"Well, she's not going anywhere," Emily said with certainty, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "I won't let her."
"Okay," Evan smiled, though no sooner was he smiling he was frowning once again. "Is she mad at me for having a bad dream? For interrupting?"
"Evan, of course not."
"Is she mad at you?" Evan asked, much to Emily's confusion. "I thought you were only play-fighting. Were you for real fighting?"
"When were we…oh," Emily's arm fell away from Evans shoulders. She quickly made her way back to the hob, turning away to hide her embarrassment and thanking her lucky stars that Evan was innocent enough to believe that what they were doing in bed last night was play-fighting. He thought Paige was mad at him for interrupting. Emily squeezed her eyes shut, allowing herself one moment of feeling utterly mortified, before quickly regaining her composure."We weren't fighting sweetie."
"Then why would she…"
"Evan, she'll be back soon," Emily said in the most convincing tone she could muster. "Don't worry okay?"
"Where's Paige?"
It was quickly becoming Emily's least favourite question.
"I don't know."
"Nice to know it's not just us she's happy to run out on," Caitlin drawled, taking a seat alongside Evan at the counter. Both children looked to Emily expectantly, waiting patiently for the breakfast Emily was supposedly making. She grabbed some plates, setting them at the counter before turning back to the pan.
"You don't think she's coming back?" Evan looked to his sister, the same worried expression as earlier returning. Emily made a mental note to find out the exact circumstances of Paige's departure from Philadelphia, if only to understand the look that kept appearing on Evan's face.
"It wouldn't be the first time she…"
"She's probably just gone to get some coffee. Don't worry," Emily interjected, doing her best to ignore the disgruntled look Caitlin shot her as she ran her hand through her hair in frustration. She sighed, being in charge was not her thing; she knew things would be much easier if Paige was here.
Emily, like the two children in front of her, perked up as the front door slammed.
Paige soon walked into the kitchen, Emily's eyes settling on the girl instantly. Running gear. Emily took in the slight sheen of sweat across Paige's skin, the redness of her cheeks, her hair tied back scrappily. At least that explained where she'd been all morning. "You must have gotten up early," Emily remarked as she set the plate down on the counter, managing to begin distributing its contents evenly between the three of them without taking her eyes off Paige.
"I didn't think you'd be a awake," Paige said, her tone making Emily frown. No sooner had Paige spoke was she turning away from Emily, grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "I woke up early. Figured I could fit in a run."
"Do you want me to set you a plate?" Emily asked looking to Paige with a smile , frowning at the way Paige's eyes flicked to the pancakes on the table as she shook her head but not to her.
"I'm gonna go take a shower while you guys finish up," Paige announced, leaving the kitchen before Emily had the chance to say anything further. Emily tried to shake Paige's evasiveness off as nothing; it was early, Paige had risen even earlier, it was perfectly plausible that Paige was just too tired to talk. But for all Emily tried to believe it, to focus on her own sub-par, non-Paige pancakes, she couldn't help but worry that perhaps Paige was pulling away because of the night before.
Emily had hoped it wouldn't be like this this-morning. That things would be as normal. But it was easy to believe from Paige's face to her posture, to the way she wouldn't look Emily in the eye, that Paige was acting weird. She'd never known Paige to go for a run. Emily didn't want things to be awkward, and she didn't want Paige to be distant.
For a moment she considered that perhaps it was for Evans sake, looking up from her plate to give the boy a small smile. Paige had after all expressed her concerns about him finding out about the real nature of their relationship the night before, and after their near-miss it was understandable for Paige to act distant around him. But then again, Emily had been around him plenty of times without it ever being an issue. Emily scrapped that explanation, though the alternative was something she wasn't quite sure she was ready to think about.
Paige had told her she loved her. In the heat of the moment, Emily stressed in her mind, though she still heard the words plainly all the same. Emily sighed. She didn't want it to be a big deal, she wanted things to stay as they were. It didn't have to be a big deal. Something niggling in her mind was telling her she should be feeling weird about it; she was the one that kept insisting she didn't want things to get too serious too fast after all. But would it really be a problem for her if Paige meant it? Emily sighed again. Whatever the answer to that question, one thing was for certain, and that was that Paige had clearly freaked herself out by saying it.
Emily knew she couldn't leave it to fester; ignoring it, for all it seemed like the easy option, would probably cause more harm than good. She excused herself, asking a less than amused Caitlin to take care of the dishes before making her way to Paige's bedroom, tapping on the door lightly. She waited a beat, and then another, before her impatience took over. Emily pushed the door open slowly, slipping inside.
"Hey," Emily said softly, clicking the door shut. She was thankful to find that Paige had already showered; Paige standing before her, towelling off her hair.
"Hey," Paige said, her eyes finally flicking to meet Emily's briefly, much to Emily's relief. "Everything okay? I'm sorry." Emily's brow furrowed in confusion at the apology, prompting Paige to elaborate. "About breakfast? I figured I'd fit my run in before anyone woke up, my bad. Thanks, by the way."
"Oh," Emily half smiled. "Don't worry about it."
Paige nodded, glancing at Emily once again before making her way over to her dresser. Emily felt torn as she watched Paige turning away from her, her bare skin coming in to view as she changed into her shirt. Yesterday Emily would have had no hesitation in walking towards her, wrapping her arms around Paige's waist, tugging the shirt off while she placed soft kisses to Paige's neck. Emily took in a deep breath, deciding that the sooner they got this over with the better. "Paige, about last night…"
"We were lucky huh?" Paige said, turning back to Emily as she finished buttoning up her shirt. "That is one conversation I do not want to be having with Evan any time soon."
"Yeah, really lucky," Emily sighed; she had a sneaking suspicion that Paige knew full well that wasn't what she meant. On one hand Emily couldn't explain why she felt the need to push the matter; she didn't want it to be a big deal, and Paige was doing everything in her power to make sure it was forgotten. They could forget it happened, the awkwardness would fade away over time. Exactly what she told herself she wanted. Still, something niggled in the back of her mind, encouraging her to press on. "Paige, you said you…"
"Are you sticking around today?" Paige asked, cutting Emily off once again. Emily frowned, her eyes settling on her overnight bag in the corner.
"I think I should go get dressed," Emily said, relenting. For whatever reason, Paige didn't want to talk about it now. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps it really was just a heat of the moment thing. Emily couldn't help but feel uneasy; something about that didn't sit well with her. "Am I alright to change in the bathroom?"
"Of course," Paige smiled breezily before turning back to her dresser, Emily watching her for a moment before grabbing her bag and leaving the room.
Paige sighed when she heard the door click shut, cursing herself inwardly for believing she could pull off acting indifferent. She was terrible at concealing things, especially if that something was her own awkwardness. She knew Emily could sense something was off about her this-morning, and knew that Emily had probably taken a good guess at what that was. For all she desperately didn't want to even acknowledge the fact she'd allowed herself to slip up so carelessly the night before, she had a feeling Emily wasn't going to let it go so easily. Paige sighed; first things first, she needed to drop Evan and Caitlin off at home, then she could talk to Emily and start some serious damage control. For now she made her way back towards the living room, intending to clean up before Dawn got home, only for her attention to be redirected to the front door.
Perfect.
"Mom," Paige sighed, unable to muster the energy to be surprised that this was happening now of all times. Of course this was happening now. "What are you doing here?"
"It's lovely to see you too," her Mom replied with sarcasm, Paige reluctantly stepping aside to let her into the apartment. "It's easier for me to get from the hospital to here than it is for you to get from here to home. I thought I'd free up your day a little for you. Besides, this way I actually get to see you instead of just watching your car speeding off into the distance."
"Thanks," Paige smiled as she pointed her Mom in the direction of the kitchen, glancing cautiously down the hallway for any sign of Emily. "For the guilt trip." She muttered beneath her breath.
Paige frowned as she got to the kitchen, taking note of the mess that had been left behind before following her Mother into the living room, Caitlin and Evan now sitting on a chair either side of the unmade sofa bed, eyes glued to the television. Paige began stripping the sheets from it as her Mom began fussing over her siblings.
"This place is such a mess," Paige sighed as she heard her Mom muttering beneath her breath, taking a deep breath to try to calm the irritation welling up inside of her. It wasn't often that her Mom visited her apartment, practically never, but when she did it was always the same. Always a mess. That, coupled with the rising nausea she felt at the thought of Emily walking into the room, left her stomach churning. "Why didn't you clean up in here before you got dressed?"
"I went for a run," Paige answered, her eyes flicking nervously towards the hallway, silently praying that Emily had decided to take a shower. A really long shower. "Didn't have time."
"A run?" Paige's Mom asked incredulously. "You left my babies alone to go for a run?"
"No," Paige sighed, doing her best not to scoff in disgust at the way her Mom was cooing over Caitlin and Evan like they were actually babies. "Em…Uh, Dawn's home."
"Have the two of you had breakfast?" Her Mother continued, running her hand through Evan's hair. "Paige, have you made them breakfast?"
"Emily made me pancakes," Evan smiled, Paige's face falling as her Mother turned to face her inquisitively. Not now.
"Emily?" Paige opened her mouth to speak, unable to think of an explanation; unable to find the courage to tell the truth.
"Paige's girlfriend," Caitlin said bluntly without her eyes so much as blinking away from the television. Paige felt her pulse begin pounding in her ears, her palms sweating, her mouth flapping open and closed as she willed herself to say something, anything would do.
"Caitlin!" Is what came out, part sigh, part hiss.
"What?" Paige jerked her head pointedly in Evan's direction, Caitlin scoffing as she caught on. "Evan? Really?" Caitlin said incredulously, one glance in their brothers direction letting them know his attention had barely shifted from the TV screen. "He's not an idiot. And he wouldn't care, he moons over her almost as much as you do…"
"You have a…you're with someone?" Paige's attention was redirected to her Mother, Paige unable to read the expression on the older woman's face.
"She's not my girlfriend…" Paige trailed off, her gaze dropping instantly at the disappointed look her younger sister flashed her. Suddenly, she felt like such a fraud. She made a conscious effort to constantly tell her siblings not to be afraid of their parents, to do their own thing, only to now shrink under her Mom's questioning. "She's…"
"I'm not?" Paige looked to the doorway, Emily's eyes meeting hers briefly as she stood, now fully dressed, clutching her overnight bag in her hands, the look she shot Paige far from warm. "Hi," Emily said with a smile, her eyes now focused on Paige's Mom. "Nice to meet you," Emily added dropping her bag, her eyes flicking to Paige before taking a tentative step into the room and extending her hand. "You must be Mrs McCullers."
"Anne," Paige's Mother said with a small smile as she accepted Emily's handshake. Paige suddenly felt faint. A heavy silence had settled over the room; Evan's eyes were still fixed on the television, her Mother's eyes glued to Emily, Emily's eyes glued to her and Caitlin sitting back and watching the three of them. Paige didn't know how to react to this situation. She'd never been in this situation. Nobody was talking and her mind had gone hopelessly blank.
"Emily taught me at summer camp," Caitlin piped up, attempting to dispel some of the awkwardness that had filled the room. Paige looked to her sister apologetically. In her anger she'd assumed that Caitlin was merely trying to stir up trouble by telling their Mom about the nature of her relationship with Emily; now she felt compelled to consider that Caitlin was perhaps just trying to help her out. After all, it was probably more than obvious that she was currently a nervous wreck.
"You stayed the night?" Anne asked, pointing towards the bag Emily had discarded moments earlier.
"Oh, yeah," Emily smiled sheepishly. "Last minute thing."
Paige put her face in her hands, wishing the ground would swallow her whole. And Emily along with her, if it saved her from whatever tirade her Mother was about to begin.
"I hope my children were good hosts to you Emily."
"Of course," Emily smiled, a genuine smile that Paige could tell her Mother was studying closely. "You have three lovely children," Emily added, her eyes once again flicking to Paige. Emily felt the slight anger that had risen within her easing off as she took in the discomfort on Paige's face. After all, she didn't know exactly what it was that made Paige so uncomfortable around her family; she didn't know the complete hows and whys. And she knew that right now, no matter how much it hurt to acknowledge, what was making Paige uncomfortable the most was her being there. She turned her attention back to Paige's mother with a smile. "It's really nice to meet you Mrs McCullers. I'm sorry but I really have to get going."
Paige watched as Emily and her Mother exchanged pleasantries and Emily and her siblings exchanged goodbyes, springing into action as she saw Emily turning to leave without so much as acknowledging her. She grabbed Emily's overnight bag, slinging it over her shoulder as she followed Emily to the front door.
"I'm sorry."
"What for?" Emily asked, Paige now recognising the hurt look on Emily's face.
"My Mom…"
"She seems nice," Emily cut Paige off, Paige nodding in agreement. Her Mother was a good woman, a pang of guilt settling into her chest for feeling the need to hide Emily. She had after all claimed Emily was someone who shouldn't be hidden. "Look, I'm going to go. I know me being here is making you uncomfortable…"
"It's not, it's just…my Mom…"
"I get it Paige. This is…not an ideal situation, You should be able to tell her on your own terms. Or not tell her," Emily flashed Paige a brief smile, studying Paige's face once again. "Paige look, about last night…"
"Do you want to meet up later?" Paige asked hopefully, though Emily only seemed to frown in response.
"Paige you said you loved me," Emily continued, ignoring Paige's feeble attempt to change the conversation.
"Emily," Paige sighed, her eye's falling to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. "I was about to…come," Paige explained, lowering her voice slightly, glancing behind her for a moment. "I got carried away okay? I blame you; you're so good with your hands," Paige said with a soft laugh that soon faded; the attempted joke seemingly only angering Emily further.
"Did you mean it?"
Paige opened her mouth to speak, studying Emily's face in a desperate attempt to gauge what kind of answer Emily wanted. She didn't have an answer, she couldn't think about it, not now. She felt her cheeks pinking slightly, her mind beginning to spin, stuffing her hands into her pockets uncomfortably as she gave her shoulders the slightest of shrugs, which only served to annoy Emily more.
"Right."
"I'm sorry if it freaked you out," Paige said once again, terrified that she had gone too far this time and scared Emily off.
"It didn't," Emily responded with another sigh.
"I know I must have."
"You didn't," Emily repeated with a sigh. "It's pretty clear you've freaked yourself out. Which is fine Paige, really, just…don't lie about it."
"I'm not," Paige said dismissively. She couldn't be having this conversation now, not with her Mom in the next room. "Em, it was just something that slipped out, heat of the moment..."
"Right," Emily nodded. "Just a slip up. End of story."
"Emily…" Paige sighed as Emily grabbed the bag from her hands, reluctantly letting go of it. Once again she'd chosen the wrong plan of action. "If I've upset you…"
"You haven't," Emily said with a forced smile. "Thanks for having me over."
"Emily…" Paige said once again, but it was no use; she watched hopelessly as Emily made her way down the hallway, right up until the lift began to descend.
Paige didn't know how long she'd stood staring at the elevator, contemplating chasing after Emily before she finally turned back to her apartment, slinking back into the kitchen with a frown. She glanced through the doorway to see no siblings in sight, instead finding her Mother neatly folding the sheets from the sofa bed, which was now folded back into a plain old couch.
"You didn't have to do that," Paige motioned to the sheets as she walked into the room.
"You didn't have to lie to me," her Mother countered, ignoring Paige's thanks and batting Paige's hands away from the sheets in front of her.
"Mom, I'm not in the mood for a lecture right now," Paige threw her hands up, resting on the arm of the nearest armchair.
"You know, you're more like your Father than you like to think."
"Is that so?" Paige's brow furrowed at her Mothers words. It was an odd sentence, Paige unable to decide why her Mom wanted to mention it now of all times.
"Once he's got something into his head, it's almost impossible to change his mind. He believes what he wants to believe." Paige's Mother began, stalling as she took in the look on her daughters face, deciding to abandon the folding and turn her full attention to Paige. "I know you think I've never done enough, to help him change his mind about…who you are. And maybe I haven't. Or maybe it's not something in my control…"
"Mom…"
"Sit down, and listen to me," Anne said sternly, Paige abiding, sliding back onto the armchair. "I know there's a lot of things I could have, should have done differently. But I'd like to think that…I'd like to think that I've done enough for you to know that all I want is for you to be happy. Because that's all I've ever wanted, you happy."
Paige dropped her gaze, unsure of how many times she'd felt the need to do so that morning, the way her Mother's eyes were watering slightly leaving a heavy weight deep in her chest. It was true. Her Father's yelling and objections had taken pride and place when she'd first came out; so much so it was easy to overlook her Mom's quiet words of encouragement. Of love. "I want you to know that it hurts me. It hurts me to think that you feel the need to lie about someone you so obviously care for. Tell me the truth. Is she your...girlfriend?"
"I'd like to think so," Paige nodded, finally finding her voice.
"Is it…a serious relationship?"
"Um…" Paige faltered. She wasn't used to being so open about her relationships with her parents. Not that she'd ever really felt the need, being halfway across the country and all. "I'm serious about her, if that counts. Very serious. She means a lot to me."
"Do you really not trust me, so much so you'd rather risk your relationship by lying about it, in front of the poor girl no less, than telling me the truth?"
"You told me Dad didn't want Caitlin or Evan around…"
"That sort of thing," Anne completed Paige's sentence for her, taking a seat on the couch with a frown. "Paige, I'm tired of your Father," Anne sighed, taking Paige completely by surprise. What was going on? Where was the ever-apologetic woman she'd grown so used to? "I'm tired of this. Of the two of you being at odds. I've told him a million times, I will not lose a child because of his pig-headedness. I thought we had Paige, before you came back, I thought we had lost you."
"I'm sorry," Paige said, taken aback by the hurt on her Mother's face.
"I thought you coming home was a second chance. Yet you both insist on holding up this ridiculous grudge match, and I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired."
"I'm sorry," Paige repeated. "But Dad and I…"
"He's having surgery next week. A bypass. You have the perfect opportunity to go give him what for, because he's got no option but to listen to you. So why don't you take it?"
"Surgery?" Paige asked, before shaking her head at her Mother's request. "You want me to corner my Dad, in his hospital bed, and…yell at him? And wait…surgery? When you were going to tell me?"
"We found out last night, I didn't want to tell you in front of the children," Paige's Mom explained. "And no, sweetheart, I don't want you to 'corner' him, or yell. Talk to him. I want you to tell him how you feel. What you want. What you don't want. Whatever it is you feel the need to say. Before it's too late. It's major surgery Paige. Just…just do it. Do it for me."
"What if…" Paige began, her mind flashing back to the last time she'd told her Father how she felt. She'd arrived home after her second semester of college, left her bags packed. She'd made her way into her Father's study, where he then spent most of his days begrudging a bad business deal, and calmly explained that she wouldn't be going back to college. It hadn't stayed calm for long. She'd uttered the words 'I never want to see you again', and, as if they were in some predictable movie, he'd collapsed on the floor. Heart attack number one.
"You're older Paige. So is he. I like to think that at least one of you can hold your temper. And if not, you'll be in the perfect place for it."
"You did not just make a joke about that…"
"I'm tired Paige," Paige's Mother repeated, Paige hearing the sincerity in her words, able to see the exhaustion on her Mom's face, in her eyes. She was done. Years and years of keeping everyone happy had finally taken its toll on her. Paige knew her problems weren't just her problems; they effected everyone; her Mom, and Caitlin, and Evan…maybe even her Father. "Please. Just try, that's all I want. For me, if not for you."
"I guess I can do that."
Anne stood, pressing the softest of kisses to Paige's forehead. "In the meantime I imagine you've got some grovelling to do. She seems nice. Emily."
"I think I need to figure out what to say first," Paige smiled sadly. She knew the next time she spoke to Emily, she needed her mind to be clear. After all, she was developing a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Spencer and Hanna stopped mid-argument, their attention redirected to the front door as it opened and closed with an almighty slam. Emily barely acknowledged them; no sooner had she thrown her overnight bag to the floor was her bedroom door slamming behind her. She sat on the edge of the bed, taking a breath, trying her best to calm down. A frown tugged onto her face as she surveyed her bedroom; Hanna's clothes strewn haphazardly across her bed. She groaned, grabbing her towel and making her way to the bathroom, stepping under the stream of water, hoping that a long shower would help calm her down.
Emily didn't know when she'd gotten so angry. During the drive home she'd replayed the morning over and over in her mind, her anger beginning to boil as she thought about how indifferent Paige had tried to appear. She knew, deep down, just knew in some way that Paige was attempting to cover up her awkwardness; awkwardness she was sure was caused by Paige's admission the night before. Hearing Paige brushing off their relationship to her Mother had felt like a punch to the gut, and she could still feel the ache. How could Paige say she loved her, yet not be able to call her her girlfriend? Emily sighed, turning the shower down a notch, hoping the cool stream of water beating down on her body would calm her mind.
Emily dressed slowly, carelessly, her wet hair tied back into a messy bun. She instinctively went to pick up Paige's sweatshirt from its place beneath her pillow, only to remember it was in her overnight bag. The one she'd carefully packed for this weekend. Their weekend, which they were no longer having. She settled for the first thing she came across in her dresser, flopping down onto her bed with a sigh.
"Em?" Hanna's voice broke the silence, Emily lifting her head enough to watch her friend cautiously making her way into the bedroom. "Hey."
"Hey. You look nice," Emily noted; after giving her friend a once over and taking in the haphazard mess of clothing surrounding her on the bed it was clear that Hanna had made an extra effort today. "Are you going somewhere?"
"Um, not right now," Hanna smiled, perching beside Emily on the bed. "What happened? Aren't you meant to be like…doing it in a cabin somewhere right now?"
"Thanks for reminding me," Emily frowned, quickly shooting Hanna an apologetic look before shaking her head. "Change of plans."
"Is everything okay?" Hanna asked, trying to sound casual, but failing; the worry was clearly apparent in her voice. Emily shrugged. It was about the only answer she had right now. "Em, what happened? Did something happen between you and Paige?"
"I don't even know," Emily replied honestly, sitting up to face Hanna cross-legged, Hanna prompting her to elaborate. "We couldn't go away because she had to babysit. Her Dad's in hospital."
"That's why her Mom kept calling her?" Hanna asked, Emily nodding. "So everything's okay? You're just sad you couldn't go get your freak on?"
"Don't ever say that again," Emily laughed lightly, shaking her head at her friend. "No. I don't know. Maybe I'm just…overreacting."
"To what?" Hanna asked. "Come on Em, quit with the cryptic."
"I don't even know what's bothering me," Emily said after a slight hesitation. She decided it couldn't do any harm to vent to Hanna. She was thankful for the friendly ear if anything, her head still swimming with confusion. "Well, I guess I do. I met her Mom this morning."
"Whoa."
"Yeah, whoa. Then, when I was getting my things together I heard Caitlin telling Mrs McCullers that I was Paige's girlfriend…and I heard Paige denying it. Point blank," Emily explained, the idea hurting more now she'd said it out loud.
"Ouch."
"Yeah, ouch. Am I overreacting? I mean, I didn't tell my Mom, is that hypocritical? And I know that her Dad isn't…actually I don't know. Because she doesn't tell me," Emily sighed, running her hands through her hair. "It just hurt. I get that Paige might not want her to know but…Caitlin already told her you know? Why lie."
"I get it, it stings," Hanna nodded, before turning to face Emily fully. "Paige and her family…there all kinds of messed up Em. When Paige first came out, her Dad stopped her seeing Evan and Caitlin for 3 months. And they lived in the same house. It's a miracle her Mom convinced him to ease up. She's probably just scared that he'll find out about you and try to do the same thing again. And it would be way easier to enforce this time."
Emily felt the anger inside her softening. For all it had stung, she knew deep down Paige was probably just panicked, not ashamed; Hanna's explanation only adding weight to that theory. A sadness settled inside of her as she thought about what Paige might have went through growing up, a flash of guilt shooting through her for not giving Paige the time to explain. "How do you know all that?"
"Caleb told me," Hanna smiled, her eyes dropping to the floor momentarily. "Em, just talk to her about it. You know as well as I do she's probably sitting at home right now thinking of a way to make it up to you."
"Yeah," Emily smiled halfheartedly, biting her lip anxiously. "That wasn't the only thing."
"It's not?"
"When we were…in bed last night, Paige…"
"Where is this going?" Hanna asked, quirking her eyebrow suggestively.
"Paige told me she loved me," Emily began, quickly continuing when she saw the excitement building up within Hanna. "In the heat of the moment. And I think, well, I know she freaked herself out. I just know it. This morning she was so…distant, and awkward and I just…I didn't want it to be a big deal, because it's not…"
"Uh, yeah it is…"
"Hanna," Emily sighed, begging her friend to let her continue. "It didn't have to be. I would've just ignored it but…"
"But you couldn't?" Hanna suggested as Emily trailed off. "Because…you want her to mean it?"
"No, no I just…I know she freaked herself out, and if we left it..." Emily tried to explain, Hanna's words stalling her. Was that why she'd felt the need to push that morning? Did she want Paige to mean it?
"Well…did she mean it?"
"I don't know."
"Would it be a problem for you, if she did?" Hanna asked, causing Emily to frown once again. She hadn't even thought about it. About what she felt about it. About what she felt for Paige, the possible weight of the situation finally hitting her. "You know that she totally meant it, right?"
"Hanna…"
"Please, if Paige isn't in love with you then…I'll eat my shoe," Hanna said flippantly, pointing to the heel on her foot. "And these bad boys were expensive."
"Maybe she feels something like love. Or maybe…" Emily trailed off, considering the real possibility that they were already at that point so soon into their relationship. "Well, whatever it is, I don't think she's ready for it."
"Are you sure it's not you that isn't ready?" Hanna asked, Emily turning to her in confusion. "You're the one who's saying you don't want it to be a big deal, but you're mad at Paige for not making it a big deal? Em, are you sure it's not you that's freaked out?"
"Why would it freak me out?"
"Because Paige loves you," Hanna said; doing her best to stress the words, to make Emily really hear them. Emily tossed them around in her mind. Paige loves her. She met Hanna's gaze again, waiting patiently for her friend to elaborate. "Maybe it freaks you out because her saying it means you might have to think about whether or not you feel the same way."
The very first time she swam in a meet, Paige had leapt off the podium a second too early. Twice. She knew it was the nerves, but that didn't seem to make up for the fact she'd gotten disqualified. When she was fifteen, she kissed her best friend on the swim team out of nowhere, which lead to a world of trouble, at school and at home. She chose to tell her Father about dropping out of college whilst he was in the midst of having a heart attack. And now, to round out her list, she blurted out I love you, during sex no less, to a girl she'd barely been dating over a month; officially little more than a week.
Paige sat dejectedly on the couch, the apartment silent now her family had left, counting each and every time her timing had been utterly abysmal.
She hadn't wanted it to come out like that, not that it was something she was planning on saying at all.
Paige kept telling herself it was just something that slipped out in the heat of the moment. When Emily touched her her body was on fire, her mind too. She couldn't be blamed for getting carried away. Sex with Emily was different to what she'd experienced before. It was more than just touching, searching for release, giving in to desire. Emily never failed to consume her entirely.
If she was allowing herself to be honest, Paige knew that feeling wasn't limited to sex. Emily barely had to be near her, and she was on fire. Paige felt like she had to be touching her, always, even just innocently. A hand on the small of Emily's back, her fingers playing idly with Emily's hair, their fingers locked together. She slept best when Emily was in her arms. Waking up beside Emily was the best start to the day. She could listen to Emily talk for hours without wanting her to stop, and she'd already memorised each and every facial expression that made her heart melt. She wanted to know everything; to be an expert in Emily Fields.
But it couldn't be love. Surely Paige would have been more aware that it was happening? Surely it couldn't have happened so quickly?
"You know, somebody could just walk in here and rob you. Or kill you."
"What the hell?" Paige squeaked, startled, her head whipping around to the doorway. She let out a relieved sigh as her eyes settled on Caleb. "How did you get in here?"
"Your front door is wide open," Caleb said, motioning behind him. "Like I said, anyone could walk in here."
"Oh," Paige frowned.
"So, what is it?" Caleb asked plainly as he hopped over the back of the couch, landing beside Paige and looking at her expectantly.
"Why are you instantly assuming that there's a something?" Paige asked, her face scrunching up into a disgruntled frown.
Caleb pulled out his phone, scrolling through his messages, clearing his throat as he prepared to read the message in question. "I hate to do this, but I have to cancel. Emily needs some serious girl time, girl on girl troubles. Do me a favour, and make sure Paige is okay. And/or kick her ass - I'll let you know if that's the case ASAP. Hanna. Kisses."
"Hanna sent you to check up on me?" Paige said, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"I was supposed to be meeting her today," Caleb admitted with a frown. "She cancelled. I thought she'd gotten cold feet but, as it turns out somethings up with Emily. So come on. Why would Hanna think you weren't okay?"
"Emily must have told her," Paige sighed. She'd known she'd upset Emily that morning, but if Hanna was concerned enough to cancel on Caleb to be with Emily, perhaps it was worse than she'd initially thought. "I'm sorry for inadvertently screwing up your reunion with Hanna. Emily and I…well, our weekend away didn't exactly go to plan."
"It's okay. In truth, I'm kind of thankful," Caleb admitted sheepishly. "You want to tell me why you've 'inadvertently screwed-up' my reunion with Hanna?"
"No," Paige sighed, shaking her head. "You wanna tell me why you're 'kinda thankful' you're not meeting up with Hanna?"
"Nope," Caleb responded, both himself and Paige letting out a laugh at each-others reluctance. "Bar?"
"Bar," Paige nodded, managing to mirror Caleb's grin as she leapt up from the couch, grabbing her jacket as they made a beeline for the door.
"Stop laughing. You're awful. I hate you." Paige groaned, kicking Caleb lightly beneath the table as she took a swig of her beer. For all he was teasing, she was thankful he'd showed up that afternoon, if only to get her out of the house and away from her wallowing. She scowled again as he continued to stare at her, smiling. "It's not funny Caleb."
"I'm not laughing at you," Caleb defended himself, Paige still irked by the smirk on his face. "It's just…it's…so you."
"See? You're laughing at me," Paige frowned, kicking him a little harder this time.
"Affectionately," Caleb countered as he rubbed the sore spot on his shin, to which Paige simply rolled her eyes. "It just…suits you."
"I told my girlfriend, who's only been my girlfriend officially for about a week remember, that I loved her. Mid-sex. In front of my, thankfully ignorant, younger brother. Why does that suit me?"
"Because your timing has always sucked," Caleb explained, earning another kick from Paige.
"Did you really just come here to point out the obvious?" Paige sighed, taking another swig of her beer. "I thought we came here to drown our sorrows?"
"Speak for yourself, I'm calming my nerves," Caleb frowned.
"Why are you so nervous about meeting up with Hanna?" Paige asked, taking in the seriousness that had formed on Caleb's face. "It's Hanna."
"That's just it, it's Hanna," Caleb said, as if the simple sentence was all the explanation Paige needed. "I haven't even been able to call her yet, I'm so nervous. We've only texted. It's just…what if she's different?"
"She's not," Paige chuckled. After reconnecting with Hanna over the past few months, the only thing that had changed was the small bouts of sadness Hanna would sometimes fall into, usually when she was thinking about Caleb. "And she misses you like crazy. So stop worrying."
"Only if you stop wallowing," Caleb countered, earning himself a frown from Paige. "Why are you having such a pity party over this? I'm under the impression that I love you is like…the nicest thing you can say to a person."
"I didn't even know it was going to come out," Paige sighed. "I…I freaked out," Paige continued, finally admitting it to herself. Emily was right that morning. "I don't know where it came from. She was just there and it just…I don't even know if I meant it. What if I meant it?"
"It's not the worst thing in the world," Caleb pointed out. "And it's not like you met her a week ago; this has been going on for months. There's no time limit on love, Paige."
"What are you, the love guru?" Paige scoffed, her features softening as she allowed Caleb's words to sink in. What if she had meant it? Was it really a bad thing? When had it happened?
Perhaps it had started the first night they'd met, when they'd both been so carefree in the karaoke bar. Perhaps it was weeks later, when Evan convinced Emily to swim with them at the lake, and they had spent their day messing around in the sun. Maybe it was the first time she sat with Emily outside Rosewood High, or any of the times following; swapping stories, getting to know one another, sharing secrets. It might have been the first time they swam together, when Emily had watched her cry over her Father and offered nothing but comfort in return. She recalled the ache she felt when Emily had first tried to kiss her, when she had to force herself to pull away because Emily could never be hers.
Was it that first morning together after their first kisses, when Emily was tight against her on the very couch she had spent most of the day wallowing on? Or was it the Thursday before Hanna's birthday, when Emily had done everything in her power just to make Paige feel like herself again; when they'd spent an entire night in Emily's childhood bedroom, learning each others bodies, worshipping each others skin. Paige knew that had to be making love; sex was too plain a word for the connection they shared that night. The sounds Emily made, they were only for her.
"I think I might have meant it," Paige said, her voice so quiet Caleb had to strain to hear it. "No. I know I meant it."
"That's not a bad thing."
"Emily doesn't feel the same way. She wants to take things slow and now….well I've went rocketing ahead as usual…"
"Why don't you let Emily decide how she feels before deciding for her," Caleb said pointedly.
"Emily doesn't love me," Paige frowned, finishing off her bottle and signalling for another. "How could she?"
"We're going to need way more beer tonight aren't we?" Caleb sighed.
"I'm scared. And I was such an ass this morning. She probably hates me," Paige continued, taking a swig of the new bottle the second it was placed in front of her.
"She doesn't hate you," Caleb reassured her, patting his friend on the shoulder. He had a sneaking suspicion that the beer was now talking as much as Paige was. "Emily will understand that you freaked yourself out. And I'm sure she'll forgive you for being such a douche with your Mom."
"Ugh, my Mom," Paige frowned again, her head sinking to rest against the damp tabletop. "Don't remind me."
"Have you thought about what you want to say to your Dad?" Caleb asked, earning nothing from a grunt from Paige. "Are you actually going through with it this time?"
"Yup," Paige sighed, her stomach twisting at the thought. She needed to do it for her Mom, she'd promised her. She'd promised herself she'd do everything possible to make sure her Mother never looked so tired again. Most of all, she needed to do it for herself. It was supposedly what she came home to do after all. Make amends.
"You don't want to talk about it?"
"Not at all," Paige sighed, fishing out a quarter from her pocket and holding it up to Caleb with a hopeful smile. "Wanna just quit all this serious talk and play arrogance?"
"Cos that'll end well," Caleb smirked, before grabbing an empty glass and setting it in-between them. "Why not."
Paige woke with a jolt, a sharp pain shooting through her leg. She looked up to find Dawn standing over her, the pain returning as Dawn once again kicked her in the shin. She glanced to her right, finding Caleb still fast asleep next to her, managing to recall through the haze that fogged her mind that they'd decided to have a movie marathon when they finally returned from the bar.
"You better be planning on cleaning this up," Dawn said pointedly, motioning to the empty bottles and take-out cartons littered across the coffee table.
"What time is it?" Paige croaked out, the look on Dawn's face letting Paige know her roommate was far from amused.
"Eleven. In the A-M. Look, I get that you guys haven't seen each other in a while, but when I come home from night shift, I don't want to have to clean up after your asses, okay P?" Dawn said firmly. "I'm going to take a long soak then I'm going to bed. Can I trust you to clean this shit up before I wake up?"
"Yes Mom," Paige replied sarcastically, Dawn simply flipping her off as she left the room. Paige stood up with a groan, rubbing her eyes before surveying the mess in front of her. She made her way into the kitchen, deciding that a bottle of water would be the best place to start. She groaned as she heard her phone ringing, pulling it from her pocket, her pounding head desperately needing the sound to stop.
"Hey."
Paige quickly snapped from her haze, almost choking mid-drink at the sound of Emily's voice.
"Em, hi! Hey," Paige sputtered out, discarding the water bottle and taking a seat at the counter. "Um…hey."
"I'm outside."
"The door?" Paige shrieked, leaping up in a panic.
"Yeah, the door," Paige heard Emily say with a half-laugh. "So…are you going to let me in or…"
"Give me a sec," Paige said, hanging up and looking around her. She picked up her empty water bottle, throwing it at Caleb, only to frown when he didn't so much as stir. She settled for checking her reflection in the microwave, smoothing down her hair as best she could before hastily making her way to the front door.
"Emily. Hi." Paige couldn't help but smile. It had only been a day since they last saw each other, but the sight of Emily in front of her made just how much she had missed her hit home. She'd missed Emily so much, even if it had only been a day.
"Did I wake you?" Emily asked, Paige looking down at herself with a frown, remembering how dishevelled she must look.
"Oh, no. I just…I haven't been awake long," Paige shrugged, noting the way Emily's eyes were raking over her. "I fell asleep on the couch last night."
"Oh. Well...can I come in?" Emily asked, tapping her foot anxiously. Paige pulled the door open instinctively, only to block it once again when she remembered Caleb was asleep inside.
"The place is a real mess," Paige explained pitifully, not failing to notice the way Emily's face pulled into a frown. It was Hanna's place to tell Emily about Caleb. Or was it hers? She could theoretically tell Emily they were friends again without Hanna having to factor in the equation. Though either way, Emily finding out by seeing him asleep on Paige's couch, surrounded by beer bottles and pizza boxes probably wasn't the best way to go about it. Especially right now.
"Paige, I don't want things to be awkward between us," Emily began, taking a tentative step forward, her shoulder resting gently against the doorway. Paige stepped backwards subconsciously; she was certain she probably stunk of booze, cursing herself inwardly as Emily frowned once again, obviously getting the wrong impression from Paige's movement.
"Emily…"
"Please just let me talk for a sec, okay?" Emily interrupted, Paige nodding in acceptance. "I won't lie. When I heard you telling your Mom we weren't together, it hurt."
"Emily…"
"But I thought about it, and I understand that you have your reasons," Emily continued, cutting Paige off. "And I respect them."
"Oh," Paige said, smiling softly, Emily's words unexpected. "Em, my Mom knows. I told her when you left. Well, she told me actually…it's a long story, but yeah, she knows."
"Are you okay with that?" Emily asked apprehensively.
"Yeah," Paige replied honestly. "She think's you're nice. And…she wants me to be happy. Nothing makes me happier than you so…" Paige trailed off, her gaze dropping to the floor sheepishly.
"Don't," Emily smiled, tilting Paige's face back up so their eyes could meet. "Paige, about what you said last night…"
"Um, Em…now isn't the best time," Paige said edgily, hearing the faint clink of bottles behind her. Caleb was awake. She cursed herself inwardly once again as she took in the look on Emily's face, knowing that Emily had gotten the wrong impression for the second time that morning.
"You're still not ready to talk about it," Emily stated, her smile faltering as she took a step back.
"Em it's not that it's…"
"It's okay…I should have called first," Emily said, giving Paige one last smile as she turned to leave. "Just…" Emily began nervously, turning back to Paige.
"Just?" Paige focused on the apprehension on Emily's face, subconsciously taking a step towards her, her hand instinctively reaching out to comfort her. Paige's skin tingled as her fingertips grazed Emily's wrist briefly, taking comfort in the way the corners of Emily's mouth twitched upwards at the slight contact. "Just what?"
"I need you to listen to me," Emily said steadily, holding Paige's gaze. "And don't feel like you have to say anything back okay? I just need you to listen."
"Okay."
"I think that maybe you aren't ready for this," Emily began, Paige's face falling instantly. "I shouldn't have pushed you so hard the other morning. It's obvious you have a lot to work out with your family and that you freaked yourself out a lot when you…said what you said."
"Em…" Paige dropped her gaze, unsure of where this was going, terrified of what Emily was about to say. Paige was right earlier, she'd jumped the gun, she'd managed to mess things up with three words and her Mother's presence. "Emily that doesn't mean…I just…please don't…" Paige stammered in a panic, only for Emily to shush her once again.
"You said you'd listen," Emily said softly, gently coaxing Paige to look at her again. "I pushed because it freaked me out too and I needed to know if you meant it. But, that said…Paige what I need you to know, is that if you meant what you said…it isn't a problem for me."
"Oh," Paige said in surprise, patiently waiting for Emily to continue.
"It really surprised me. But at the same time, it didn't. You treat me like…I mean the world to you. And…and if you meant it…Paige I don't think I'm in a position to say it back right now."
"I understand," Paige nodded in acceptance; it was what she had expected.
Emily took a step forward, reaching out to touch Paige's forearm lightly. "What I do know, is that I feel it. Or at least, I'm starting to. And I'm just as scared as you probably are. But I'm not running away, and if I'm right and you're not ready…I'll be waiting for you. Because it's been a day, and I've felt so lost without you around. A day Paige, it's ridiculous," Paige managed a small smile at the way Emily was laughing at herself, noticing the small blush that had made its way onto Emily's cheeks.
"Em…"
"I don't need you to say anything," Emily said, placing a finger to Paige's lips. "I just need you to know that I need you, and I want you…and I'm going to fall for you. If I haven't already, which I probably have. I'm going to go now, because I've said too much, and I'm pretty embarrassed and I'm probably not making any sense…but I just…if you meant what you said Paige, know that it would make me happy. Because I know just how lucky I'd be if you did."
Paige took a step forward, leaning in to kiss Emily, only to remember she still had beer breath. She settled for placing a soft kiss to Emily's nose, smiling at the way Emily bashfully bit her lip to bite back a smile. Emily looked past her, and back to Paige, waiting for the invitation Paige knew she couldn't give, the knowledge making her frown. She was so going to kick Caleb's ass later.
"Okay. I'm really going to go this time," Emily said with a nervous smile, giving Paige one last nod before making her way down the corridor, Paige giving her a small wave as the elevator doors closed. Paige stood in a haze, once again cursing her inability to find her voice, her inability to chase after Emily Fields instead of watching the elevator descend hopelessly for the second time that weekend.
"I really meant it." Paige sighed, her head falling forward to rest against the door frame.