Tears don't fall

"I know you think I did it. You don't want to think it, I appreciate that. But I know you think I did."

"Stop, I don't think that…" she wasn't convincing.

"When will the lies stop? If we're going to get through this, we need to stop lying to each other, Anna. That is if you want us to get through this. Because I do. More than I have ever wanted anything." She looked at him through her tears, her mouth agape.

"Of course I do. I couldn't bear for there to not be… to not be an 'us'…" she shuddered at the words as they fell from her mouth in less than a whisper.

"Then it's time for some honesty, for us. We have to stop living in this fear of hurting each other. After all we've been through together, why hasn't it been enough to make us know we could face anything together? Why hasn't it shown us that nothing but ruin comes from keeping secrets from each other?" He paused trying to collect himself, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. He couldn't lose his nerve, not now. They had made great strides in the last year since he had found out what happened the night of the house party. But at the same time, since about the time of the Bazaar there had been a rift growing. It started as a small creek, narrow and with just a leisurely flow to it. But it had continued to grow, from a creek into a river and now it felt an ocean between them, the waves continually pushing them apart. An ocean he wasn't sure how to circumvent until he started to put the pieces together. Her continual pressure to reveal where he'd gone when she was in London. What he had been up to that he couldn't tell her. Then he had heard from gossip around the downstairs that the bastard Green was dead and the penny had dropped. She thought he was responsible. How right she nearly was. Nearly.

"He's dead now Anna. Why didn't you just tell me he was the one, after he was gone? I understand now why you didn't tell me when he was still alive. I truly do, and I can't say that I blame you there. You don't know how right you were to think that I'd do it. It's all I thought about since I realized it was him, when he was last at Downton." He met her gaze for the first time in what felt like forever, when she made to speak he held up his hand signaling her to stop. He had to get this out.

"You have spent all this time thinking it was me. Fearing that I'd be arrested and taken from you forever. You must have been so scared and angry…" he reached and rested his hand lightly on her shoulder as her head bowed and sobs escaped her. The sound of them was deafening to him. No man should be so accustom to the sound of their beloved wife's cries, as he most certainly was. "If you had just come to me, months ago instead of waiting for your daft husband to put the pieces together. Instead, this rift has presented itself and I only hope that the truth will be a bridge strong enough to forge it." He sat on the chair next to her and pulled her chair close to him. Their knees were touching and he brushed her cheek with one hand before taking both of hers in his.

"I went to York, that day. I had errands and then something I saw there put this grand foolish idea in my head. Since I had the day, I went straight to the train station and headed to London. After doing what I had gone there to do, my head was spinning a bit. I just began to walk. I found myself near Picadilly." her hands went into a vice like grip for a moment before beginning to slack and pull away from his. But he wouldn't let her slip away and held them warmly but sternly.

"You have to believe me that I didn't plan to go there, at least not consciously. I won't say what my subconscious had planned because I think we both know what I wanted to do if I should ever find myself there. When I realized where I was, it was like I was coming out of a dream. My heart began to pound and I couldn't focus. The parts of me that are you, the good in me was battling it out strongly with the dark parts that you, my love, had driven away for so long. 'You're here, you know what you came to do. Just do it. He deserves it.' 'Think of Anna, this is her worst fear. Don't make it a reality. Think of Anna. Think of Anna. Anna.' Your name was like a prayer uttered so intensely in my mind that all I could do was yield to it.

I turned around as fast as I could and fought my way through the crowd. I pushed people aside I'm sure but I didn't care. I just had to get as far away from there as possible. I was so scared. Scared of why I had found myself there. Scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to not do it if I found myself face to face with that son of a bitch. Scared of what you might think of me or do if you found out I was even there. Scared that I had failed you again. After bumping quite strongly into a man on the street I looked up. I saw him. He was about a block away from me, but he had seen me. He was just standing there, staring. I felt every muscle in my body clench. If I hadn't been wearing gloves, I'm sure my nails would have cut clear into my palms. The man I bumped into must have said something to me, I couldn't tell you what, but I turned my head towards him for just a second. And when I turned around again all I saw was the back of Green's head as he began running in the opposite direction like the utter coward he was. That's when it really hit me; yes, he absolutely wasn't worthy of the life and breath he had, but he wasn't worth mine either. Or more importantly, the most important, he wasn't worth yours. When I closed my eyes in those moments I didn't see him. My visions of seeing him dead were gone. I saw you. I saw in a flash what life would be like for you if I were to go after him and how it would have been taken from you, because of my foolishness. Then I saw your smile and had this incredible warming vision of you smiling at me upon my return home. Making that a reality at that moment was all I cared about. I just wanted to get home to you. If I went down that other path, I'd never see that again. Nothing is worth that. So I came home. To you. As I was walking away, I heard a commotion coming from behind me. Women were screaming and men were shouting for a constable. I think…I think that was Green."

He breathed deep, feeling as though he hadn't actually drawn breath during his confession. He felt lighter but then fear sunk into him as reached for her face to lift her eyes to him. He was terrified of what he might see but he had to know. Her eyes reprieved him.

"You didn't do it…" her voice was raw and hushed. "I didn't want to believe you could do it. But I was so afraid that you would. I was so afraid to be right back in that prison again…I couldn't live. That's why I never said…" her sobs resumed as he gathered her in his arms pulling her into his lap. After, long moments of embracing in silence she spoke again.

"You…you've never said what you actually were doing in London. What did you do that got you so turned about?" He sighed and held her tighter.

"When I was in York. I saw a small hotel for sale. And it all came back to me. All of our plans and hopes and dreams. I realized that maybe that was the answer that we've been looking for. A fresh start. I couldn't wait. I went to London to see Mr. Murray. I wanted to talk figures with him about my mother's house and what we've saved. I wanted to know if it was even close to being achievable. Also, if there was maybe some investments I could make that would help bring this dream sooner rather than later. It's not there yet my love. But it's on the horizon. I wish I could take you away tomorrow…a new start with the new dawn."

"Why didn't you tell me this?" she had pulled away from his chest to look at him square in the eyes. "I haven't forgot our dream either you know. We should be working on making it happen together." she was chiding him but a smile had crept onto her face brightening the dark room and mood.

"It was all rather impulsive like I said. And I didn't want you to be disappointed that it's still a ways off. And I think I was afraid that you didn't want that life together any more. Oh Anna, I just want to be able to give you everything right at this moment."

"But you are. In your arms, I have everything I could ever need or want. Don't ever let me go." The tension that had taken over their cottage, their one time sanctuary, was easing its grasp. It wasn't gone nor would it be any time soon. They weren't foolish enough to believe that. But with the new honesty and trust forming between them, the fog would begin to dissipate much faster. She was crying again, but these weren't desperate heartbreaking sobs like before. These were of relief and mending. His hand slid to her neck, lightly entwining his fingers in her hair and her head settled on his chest.

"Don't cry, my love. It'll all be alright now. We're coming together again and we'll transverse this ocean side by side, coming to shore stronger than ever. Shh…please Anna, your tears don't fall, they crash around me."

A/N: So I have decided to start prompting myself with songs or lines from songs that every time I hear them they whisper 'Banna' to me. This is my first. Inspired by Bullet For My Valentine's song "Tears Don't Fall." The last line in italics is from the song. The complete lyric is "Your tears don't fall they crash around me. Her conscious calls the guilty to come home." Seemed fitting to me. Not to mention I'm hoping we get a long scene of drawn out angsty honesty between Bates and Anna in S5. They need to get mad and sad (well sad in a different way than they already are that I can't really explain, not that that makes sense) and stop getting themselves in the way of their happiness by being so afraid of hurting and/or not trusting each other. Be happy Banna!