A/N: I apologize for my hiatus. With exams and graduate school applications, i've been up to my ass. Thank you for your patience and Merry Christmas!
Lexa and Anya sat across from each other in silence. 5 minutes passed, then 10 and no words had been exchanged. In that time Lexa's anger had recoiled back i side and she was beginning to think rationally. Anya sat still, staring at her shoes; in the time elapsed, she lost the tension in her shoulders and now remained slumped, as if the silence had exhausted her.
"What are you so afraid of, An?" Lexa asked finally. The sudden words broke the still silence.
"You're the most dedicated person I know, Lexa. Your mind is always on basketball and the success of the team and I've always admired you for that. When you came into this program, you immediately established a culture… a culture of.. of dedication, and a ruthless need to win. When Clarke got here you allowed for your defenses to fall, and you're losing that side of you I admired. So what am I afraid of Lex? I'm afraid that when I leave at the end of this season, you won't lead this program like I need you to."
Lexa took in her words, and swallowed them like sour milk. "I will lead this team as I do now. Any relations I have with Clarke would not impede that. However, if you feel so strongly about my inability to lead this team, then maybe I shouldn't."
Anya looked at her curiously "You would step away from you duties for Clarke?"
"It wouldn't be for Clarke, it would be for the principle of it. That apparently, I cannot be happy and be successful as a leader. You've made that abundantly clear. Maybe that is why you're a good captain, you're miserable."
Anya flinched at her words, but decided to not acknowledge them. "Clarke makes you happy?"
Lexa half nodded. "I think so, but I haven't allowed myself to open up, to explore that option at all because of you."
Anya stayed silent and tested the weight of Lexa's words. She looked at the way her shoulders slumped and her head hung. She didn't like seeing the younger girl like this, defeated, confused and angry. "Lexa…I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I …haven't considered your prospective in this." Anya froze, searching for more words to explain her feelings.
Lexa knew Anya well, she knew her well enough to know that the apology was probably forced from her, cutting its way out. Either way, Lexa appreciated the attempt. "I will work towards a more equal balance, if that is what you wish."
" Just… let me try and adjust. You're not a bad leader Lexa… Maybe I'm just overreacting. You know I'm not good with change. Just give me time to try. Okay?"
Lexa nodded. "Friendship?"
Anya smiled at their old arrangement. "Friendship."
Lexa left the Starbucks after an 8 hour shift and felt her phone vibrate in her black jeans. She put the pastry bag in her mouth, juggled her drink to her other hand and proceeded to dig out the phone to see Clarke's name lighting up her screen. She did not hesitate to remove the bag from her mouth and balance it on her cup, answering the phone with her free hand.
"Clarke?! Is everything okay?!" She rushed in a panic.
"um yes... why?" Clarke replied confused.
"Clarke, you called me."
The blonde laughed from the other side of the receiver. "Lexa that doesn't mean the sky is falling it just means I needed to talk to you."
Lexa rolled her eyes and relaxed. "Then text me. What year is this 1998? Jesus! Only call me if someone is dying or near death. In fact I almost had a heart attack just because you called. I'm balancing like 3 things here."
"Alright, Nic Cage, you're over acting. I just wanted to know of you like to come
hang out. Watch more Wes Craven movies, I was thinking A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984 version. "
"Um, yeah sure. But we watched a Clarke movie last time why can't we watch one from my favorite director." Lexa smiled hard at the invite.
Clarke audibly huffed. "Fine who is it?"
"I don't actually have one I was proving a point, Clarke."
"You're particularly ridiculous today." The smile in her voice was evident.
Lexa swayed from foot to foot, still smiling wide. She loved her and Clarke's banter. It was fun and effortless and always gave her butterflies. "How about some B-list horror movies?"
"Good with me, see you soon. Oh and Lexa, I'd like to hear about what happened with Anya. You've been dodging that conversation."
The smile faltered from Lexa's face for the first time in the conversation. "Fine, we'll talk. I'll see you soon, Clarke."
Clarke hung up the phone and bolted to the washroom, fixing her make up and adjusting her long sleeve grey shirt with 4 button downs that perfectly revealed her cleavage; her greatest assets or so Octavia and Raven proclaimed.
Sure, she was respecting the friendship. But on a deeper subconscious level she couldn't help herself. If she looked good and Lexa was interested, she wouldn't stop her. And now, with no more barriers, her being out and the team knowing and being supportive it could work. She wanted it to work
"Well that was a terrible movie." Clarke's words and shifting in the bed pulled Lexa from her gaze. For the duration of the movie Lexa sat with her back against the wall while Clarke half draped across her, learning into the brunette comfortably. They settled into the position so naturally that it felt as thought their bodies were meant to be molded together. Although, an hour in, Lexa's leg began going numb, but she dare not move or say anything. First, because she enjoyed Clarke's closeness, and second, from her vantage point she had a perfect view of the blonde's cleavage.
"It was pretty bad." The brunette confirmed.
"Alright so I watched that… now as we agreed, you have to tell me about what happened with Anya." Lexa groaned and Clarke rolled around to face Lexa, breaking their physical contact.
"Why are you so insistent."
"Because it pertains me, Lexa." Clarke whined.
Lexa huffed again. "Okay fine, we talked, it was angry at first then civil. We cleared a lot of air, opened up…. all that good stuff. We will both try, she's going to be more…supportive."
"Supportive of what exactly?" Us? Clarke thought
" Well… of.…whatever I want… my decisions, I suppose." Lexa stumbled.
"Oh, okay. That's good I guess." Clarke was not hoping for such a vague answer and hoped her disappointment was not evident in her voice.
"yeah."
They stared for a long time, both contemplating if this was going to be a segway into a bigger, more important conversation, and both decided against it.
Lexa sat up straight as if she had been struck by genius "Hey. Let's celebrate. Celebrate with me."
"Celebrate what?" Clarke laughed and the brunettes uncharacteristic excitement.
"Your…. Coming out. I know you were kind of out, but you're fully out. How does it feel?"
Clarke nodded and smiled. "Pretty great. I was so scared after what happened at Arkadia… I didn't think I could feel so …accepted. Its more than that, its that it was almost a non issue. Like I didn't have to make some grand announcement, they would have been okay with my sexuality either way."
Lexa matched Clarke's wide infectious smile. "Because they would have Clarke, We're a team. We're a sort of… family."
Clarke nodded and agreed. "So what kind of celebration are you thinking."
"Well, my Starbucks coworkers and I go to this bar once a month if we can spare the time away from school."
"-Dropship?" Clarke asked.
"…not exactly, its on the other side of town. It's a gay bar called Delinquents. You should come."
Clarke became a little uncomfortable and shook her head skeptically. "I don't want to crash your ritual."
Lexa grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes. "Clarke, I want you to come."
The motion itself made Clarke swoon. "Okay…. Sure."
Clarke stepped out of the cab and adjusted her neckline once again. It was steep grey V-Neck and paired with the red flannel tied around her waist and black ripped jeans, she appeared casual yet attractive. Although, the degree of her push up bra and matching lace g-string screamed anything but casual.
Lexa slid out after her, confident in her denim coloured button down, tight black jeans and pristine white converse. She ran her hand through her brown hair effortlessly and smiled to Clarke, silently asking she if was ready. Clarke nodded and allowed Lexa to take the lead towards the big brick building with music pulsing inside. They did not wait in line long at all, and soon were stepping inside the dark club. Lexa tossed her hand behind her back, gesturing for Clarke to take it as she navigated through the crowded bar.
It was overwhelming for Clarke, so many people and a completely different demographic than that of Dropship. While she was not a small town girl, she was sheltered from much of this. She saw beautifully dressed and pampered drag queens, excited gay men, both young and old. She noticed how easily Lexa was cutting though the sea of people; everyone they accidentally bumped into turned and smiled, apologizing and offering friendly smiles. The more she paid attention, the more relaxed she became. That is, until a small group by the bar raised their glasses in their direction, she recognized two of them from Lexa's store immediately. The brunette quickened her pace and let go of Clarke's hand to hug one girl, moving onto the others as the blonde stood awkwardly awaiting an introduction.
"I'm sorry, guys this is Clarke."
Clarke smiled uncomfortably and waved.
"Yes, we know. Triple Grande Caramel Macchiato. Extra Hot. Oh, and Lexa." One smaller girl with black hair laughed, the others joining in.
"Pardon?" Clarke replied not getting the joke.
"It's what you want when you come in. Your drink and ….Lexa." A tall lanky guy replied smirking, earning a playful shove from Lexa.
Clarke felt her cheeks redden.
"Anyways, Clarke this is Maya, Bryan, Tristan, Mel and….. Where's Jackson?" Lexa asked over the music.
The scruffier of the guys leaned in. "He's helping some girl in the washroom who was getting sick. Always the caregiver that one."
Lexa laughed.
The group seemed particularly interested in watching Clarke's every move with entertained smirks. They seemed to have a pretty good understanding of the fact that things were happening between her and Lexa, but due to her nerves, Clarke pushed that from her mind. Not wanting an audience.
"Can I buy you a drink?" Lexa smirked, casually leaning against the bar, raising her hand to get the bar tenders attention.
"No, but I'll buy you one" Clarke smirked and nudged Lexa out of way, taking the brunette by surprise. Clarke turned to the bar tender across the bar and leaned in "Double whiskey sour and a double rum and coke please."
Clarke paid and turned to Lexa who stared at her amused, quirking an eyebrow up. "You're assertive tonight."
"You haven't seen anything yet."
"I can't believe Clarke went out without us." Raven huffed, setting her beer down with a clank.
Wick laughed. "Do I need to remind you that you're in a full leg brace and having surgery in three days? What would you be doing at a club anyways?"
"I don't know Wick, but an invite would be nice."
Octavia nuzzled into Lincoln's hard chest. "Oh c'mon Rae, you know it's a Lexa thing. Just let them have their… fun. The sooner they work out their sexual tension the better."
Lincoln let out a deep chuckle. "I agree, even our team has a pool going. Most of us think they'll date before Christmas break."
"Who's on the other end of that?" Octavia inquired.
"Finn mostly, because he's into Clarke and insists she's straight. Murphy is on his side, although just to be a devils advocate I suppose." Lincoln laughed again.
"Anyways, I'm bored. Can we make a fort?" Raven interjected.
"You mean, can we make you a fort since you have a bum leg?" Wick laughed. Raven innocently nodded.
"I can direct."
"That's it, no trying to get up and walk around without your brace Raven. Seriously." Wick warned for the 10th time that night.
Lexa's group of friends hurried excitedly towards a brightly lit stage and music began blaring, overpowering the previous song from the now far away dance floor. Lexa once again took the lead, holding Clarkes hand behind her. As they joined the growing crowd against the stage, a beautifully dressed drag queen took the stage, capturing all of Clarke's attention in curiosity.
"First drag show?" Lexa yelled in her ear.
Clarke nodded and smiled, barely tearing her eyes from the stage. The queen centered herself and then exploded into an extravagant routine to a Beyoncé song, drawing the crowd's screams. Clarke turned and looked at the faces of those around her; excitement, amazement and pure joy. Everyone danced along and sung as loud as they could. It was inspiring, and comfortable. For once, Clarke wasn't the one performing an act. Here she could be herself, she could dance and kiss Lexa without fear of others being concerned.
When she took notice and returned from her revelations, she saw Lexa staring at her with admiration.
"What?" The blonde blushed.
"You're beautiful. Especially when you're this happy."
Clarke smiled, taking a sip of her drink and looking back to the show.
They stood watching and singing to popular songs as different Queens took the stage. Clarke loved watching Lexa interact within this environment. She was happy and stress free. She sung playfully with the slow songs, soulfully serenading Clarke and twirling her around. They watched together, Lexa settling behind Clarke, flushed against her with both hands on her waist. After an hour, Clarke had pulled on Lexa's arm. "Lexa, I'm going to find a washroom."
"I'll come with you."
"No, its fine I can find my way. Hang out with your friends." Clarke replied, feeling guilty that Lexa had spent very little time with them.
Jackson leaned in, overhearing the conversation. "I'll come with you, I have to go."
Clarke smiled and they took off towards the washroom signs. She followed Jackson as the mass of people thinned and the music lowered. The washroom was down the stairs and around a corner. She was momentarily thrown off when Jackson followed her in, and she realized all the washrooms were gender neutral.
"Pretty great place huh?" Jackson said as they waited in line.
"Yeah, it's really cool. Do you guys come often?"
"No not really, but we try to. Its nice just letting your guard down completely here." Jackson grin widened.
"I know what you mean. I just … fully came out. So it's all …new."
"I'm sure it's a nice break from basketball and Pre-Med… Sorry Lexa told me all about you. I took nursing, I've been looking into trying to become a doctor one day but I'm saving up and working mostly nights at the hospital now, and odd shifts at Starbucks" Jackson rambled he immediately looked embarrassed by his admission.
"That's cool. You're clearly working very hard. I admire that. Op- that's me next." Clarke said, and walked into the stall.
"Seriously Raven, sit down you promised." Wick cried out, dropping the sheet and letting the top of the tent fall again.
Raven threw her arms up. "You're doing it wrong! I can't just sit here."
Lincoln stood across the room with his arms crossed over his chest and raised an eyebrow at Octavia who simply shrugged and clipped two sides of sheets together. Lincoln quietly walked over to Raven and swept an arm under her butt and in one motion swept her into his arms. "Now. When I put you down. You don't move. Listen to your boyfriend please, He's right. You're going to hurt yourself worse." Lincoln spoke calmly and walked Raven over to the armchair and gently put her down.
"He's not my boyfriend." Was her only retort. Wick noticeably rolled his eyes and returned to building their fortress.
Clarke and Jackson walked back to the show, but it had just ended and the crowd had dispersed. She looked around and spotted Lexa's friends but Lexa was nowhere in sight. Jackson shrugged and pointed for her to check the bar. Clarke wordlessly agreed and crossed the club. She spotted Lexa immediately, smiling and running her hand through her long brown hair. She leaned casually against the bar, mimicking the exact movements she had done earlier when talking to Clarke. Now, in her place, was the girl from the party. And unlike her and Lexa's earlier conversation, the girl left no distance between her and the brunette. She laughed and allowed her hands to linger on Lexa's body and she spoke into her ear, their chests possibly centimeters apart.
Clarke felt immediately angry and nauseated. A compulsive territorial feeling washed over her once again. Despite this, she weighed her options. She can return to Lexa's friends and ignore what was happening; after all they were technically just friends. Or, she could put an end to it.
Fuck it. Clarke's feet took her in Lexa's direction. She strode confidently, not hesitating when the two broke their close contact to address Clarke's presence. Instead she effortlessly slid her arm around Lexa's lower back and smiled to the brunette as if nothing was amiss. To her utter surprise Lexa recoiled from her embrace and looked at her uncomfortably.
"Um.. Clarke, you remember Costia?" Lexa spoke sheepishly.
Clarkes mind was still reeling from the fact that Lexa had pulled away from her and desperately tried to find words. "Ugh. Yeah, nice to see you."
Costia looked between the two curiously, picking up on the awkward social queues immediately. "Nice to see you Clarke. I'm glad you're feeling okay tonight. Last time you and Lexa had to run off so soon."
Clarkes mind was a hundred miles away from the conversation. Suddenly everything seemed too loud, too crowded and too hot. She wanted out, she wanted to process and think. Before she could, Costia spoke again. "Lexa, you said you needed to run and check on your friends, you go do that. Clarke can keep me company for a moment. Then maybe us three can go dance after?"
Lexa studied the side of Clarkes face, trying to gauge a reaction, any reaction. "Um yeah I'm just going to be back in one second." She made her way through the crowd and Clarke couldn't decide whether she was upset, or relieved.
"So Clarke, is it terribly intrusive of me to ask if you and Lexa are an item?"
The question threw Clarke off further. She felt like a boxer, unprepared for a fight who took blow after blow to the head and could not tell up from down. So she decided to swing, in any direction, regardless of any possible result. "Um, no… not exactly. We're friends. Mostly." Swing and a miss
The uncertainty was evident in her voice, but Costia did not care, or did not pick up on it. "Interesting, because, I'm interested. She's really …something. Do you think I should go for it?"
Is she completely obtuse? She must see what's going on here. Or is she just that bold that she doesn't care. With so much circling Clarke's head, she stopped. She stopped swinging and needed to take a knee.
"Excuse me, I ugh, I actually told Jackson I'd be right back. Don't worry. I'll send Lexa right over." Without awaiting a response that she was sure was going to come, she took off. She headed for the last place she saw Lexa's friends and did not turn around. Before she could reach them, she bumped into Lexa.
"Clarke. Wait. Where are you going?"
Clarke whipped around, anger etched into her face "You seriously want me to stand and watch as you guys flirt?"
Lexa looked hurt and defensive, but not surprised in any way. "Clarke, it's not like that. I barely know her."
"And yet you were basically cuddling on the bar. I don't get you Lexa. You act like some impenetrable force. You act like it's the hardest thing in the word to get close to me, and basically state that it's just your nature. But you've known her a cumulative 45 minutes and you were brushing noses basically."
"Clarke it's not like that." Lexa reiterated. She did not have a viable response. She did not know how to address what was happening. Her typically cool and calculated demeanor had faded.
"Stop saying my name at the beginning of every sentence!"
Lexa stood confused for a moment at the off hand comment but ignored it. " I like you. I do, but what are we suppose to do from here. It is still complicated."
Clarke threw her hands up in frustration. "Just because it's complicated doesn't mean it's impossible. This is so you. You can't win every game from the three you know."
Anger began bubbling in Lexa. "What's that suppose to mean"
"It means you have to leave your comfort zone. There's nothing left to stop us Lexa, I'm standing here, and I like you and I've made it clear. The team knows, it's out there. You're the one stopping it. You stay far back on the three and try your same shit regardless if the ball goes in the hoop or not; and if that's what you want… If Costia is what you're interested in instead.. Fine, just don't leave me on the bench. Have the decency to send to me to the locker room."
Lexa looked defeated, as quickly as her anger appeared, the blondes speech made it recoil. "Clarke, please just let me explain."
"This is a lot of déjà vu… so I'm going to go. And… don't follow me please. Don't show up tomorrow. Just leave me alone until you know what you want."
Clarke turned to leave before the threatening tears made an appearance in front of Lexa.
The cold air felt refreshing in her lungs and she pulled out her phone and thumbed through her contacts. She did not want to call Octavia or Raven who would panic and overreact, making her divulge more than she wanted to tonight.
The phone dialed. "Hey Bellamy. Can I have a favour, no questions asked? I need you to pick me up."
His voice was immediately frantic. "Clarke, is everything okay? I've been drinking. I can't pick you up."
"Its okay, I'll find and ATM and take a cab thanks though"
"No no, I'll give my keys and get Finn to drive. Drop a pin and we'll come get you in 5."
Clarke's voice was low and solemn. "thank you"
Clarke walked to the other side of the street and sat down. Reviewing everything and holding back tears. Within 15 minutes, Bellamy's car pulled up. Finn jumped out quickly and jogged around to help Clarke up and pulled her into an awkward hug.
Lexa spoke her apologizes to Costia and then walked to the exit of the club, as she opened the door, she spotted Clarke sitting on the curb as a black car pulled up. To her surprise, Finn hopped out of the drivers seat and ran over to hug her. Lexa set her jaw tight and turned and walked back inside.
"Alright Raven, we're going to bring you in now." Abby called. Wick stood to hug Raven and Clarke followed suit.
Raven crutched behind a nurse down the hallway and Abby stayed put.
"Are you okay Clarke? You seem off. More so than usual." She inquired.
"Yeah mom, I'm fine. Just lots going on at school with practices and work. You know how it is." She lied.
Abby nodded and excused herself to begin Raven's surgery. Clarke slumped back into her seat and pulled out her phone. Huffing when she had no notifications.
"Waiting on a text?" Wick raised an eyebrow.
She shoved the phone back into her jeans. "No, I'm not"
"It's been a few days Clarke. Maybe you guys should try and talk it out. It was probably a misunderstanding, at least from what you've told us." He reasoned.
"It's not just the Costia thing, Wick. She's so hot and cold and uncertain…. I just expected too much. That once the team knew and it was out there I thought that we'd…." Clarke stopped thinking about her words. "Do something about it. But apparently it was one sided."
"How have practices been with her?"
Clarke laughed darkly. "Great, we don't utter a word, or occupy the same space. But her and Anya are back to being best friends."
Wick pursed his lips together. "I'm sorry. I think you guys will work it out though."
"I think I'll be better off moving on."
Clarke and Wick waited for a few hours, talking, drinking coffee and laughing. Clarke found herself really drawn to him as a friend. He was sturdy, and certain about his path in life. He shared the same sentiments about his feelings for Raven. Clarke could only hope that Raven did not end up hurting him.
After Raven's surgery, she was rather out of it. She stayed for observation and after 5 long hours in the hospital, they were free to go. Clarke kept her good byes and thank you's short to her mother and they piled into the car with Raven stretched out and drugged out in the back. By the time they returned to Residence, Raven was back to normal and already making plans for her return to the court. She crutched down the hallway and stopped in front of their door where a gift basket with flowers and a bottle of whiskey sat. Clarke curiously bent down and picked up the card and read it out loud.
"Raven, I wish you a quick and safe recovery. See you for the big comeback. – Lexa"
Raven smiled brightly at Clarke, who rolled her eyes.
"I like her…" Raven commented as Wick unlocked their door.
Clarke picked up the gift basket and deadpanned. "Well… I don't."