I got bored and updated my profile.

It wasn't until after I finished that I realized it's longer than some of my chapters…

/fail.

Anyways, here's the next disaster.

It's not much, but… I don't care. It's better than nothing. So suck my proverbial nuts, yes?

Voila:

SPENCER POV

I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't let this happen. I shouldn't be reveling in the feel of Ashley's mouth on mine. I shouldn't want this. And most of all, I shouldn't be wondering what it would be like to have this forever.

She took my by surprise at first. I don't know why, but I expected her to leave. I never expected this. She pressed her lips to mine and for a split second, I froze. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't right and it wasn't what I, as a married woman, should have done, but I kissed her back. Because I never had a choice. But, I never wanted a choice. I don't want to pull away. And I won't. I'm not capable of it. Somewhere between laughter and friendship and subtle touches, she got to me. She got to me in a way that Aiden never could.

Ashley's fingers flex slightly in my hair and bring me out of my thoughts and back to this.

Back to her.

Her lips slide against mine in a way that I can only describe as an art. That's what she is. An artist. And all I am, all I'll ever be, is her canvas.

The tip of her tongue flicks against my top lip, asking apprehensively for more.

And I give it to her. Because there isn't another option. There isn't an alternative when everything I want is everything she is. Her tongue strokes right along mine and I let out a moan, pushing further into her and not caring anymore. Nothing else exists right now. Aiden is but a distant and dim memory. Something from another time and another life. And that life is just a crumbling foundation that I never want to reconstruct if this is what I can have instead.

Nothing is real except for the hand rolling over my hip and the fingers strumming through my hair and across my neck again and again.

Ashley pulls away and I instantly feel wrong. Like I'm not supposed to exist if her mouth isn't moving in sync with mine. But then her lips run a trail from the corner of my mouth, down my neck, and her fingers squeeze softly on my hips. I moan quietly, just loud enough for her to hear, and I feel her lips pull into a smile against my neck; her teeth biting gently and her tongue soothing the same spot a second afterwards. She's going to leave a mark. She knows it, I know it, but I doubt she cares anymore than I do. My breathing is ragged and continues to deteriorate the more her mouth is on me and the longer her hands and fingers find new locations and new patches of skin to stroke. It isn't until I register how far they've gone up my jersey that I realize how fast this is happening.

And then I start panicking.

"Ashley..." I say, trying to get her attention, but it comes out much less than a whisper.

I say it again and this time she hears me, her mouth fumbling along my jaw and her hands still walking paths across the skin under my shirt.

She pulls back, only enough to meet my eyes, looking apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I just... I got carried away."

Her hands are still under my jersey, both resting on my side and her thumbs are brushing small circles just above my waistline.

Her eyes leave mine, momentarily shooting down to look at my mouth, and I've forgotten why I stopped her.

"It's okay. It's just..." I trail off, not quite sure what I want to say and still knowing that I need to say something.

She smiles, somewhat sadly, and nods.

"I know."

"I don't."

"You shouldn't."

My eyes dart to hers, wanting to ask what she means, but not sure I really want to know. She's studying my face, eyes travelling all over and then lowering to my neck and she pulls her right hand from under my shirt, bringing it up to my neck and trailing her fingers just below my pulse point.

"I kind of gave you a hickey," she says, sounding slightly smug and slightly embarrassed. But I can't really concentrate on what she's saying when she still has her hands on me.

"I don't mind," I whisper, just wishing she'd kiss me again, wishing I'd never stopped her, but knowing at the same time I shouldn't be wanting that at all. But I can't help myself. I never can where she's concerned.

She sighs and it's a sad sound, one that I never really want to hear from her, now or ever.

"I can leave if you want me to," she says, now looking anywhere but at me. And I don't want her to leave. I want her to stay, but I don't know if I have the right to ask. I know we're on the edge of destroying both of our lives, but I don't know if that even matters to me as long as she'll help me rebuild another one. A solid one. A real one.

She's pulled both of her hands away from me now and it feels wrong again. It feels like her hands were meant to be on me. Like they're meant to be holding me together, even when I don't need it.

"I don't want you to go," I finally say, trying to look away when her eyes find mine again, but I can't. I'll never be able to.

"Then what do you want?" she asks, a question that shouldn't mean as much as it really does.

"I don't have any idea," I tell her, looking down and fidgeting with my fingers until hers reach over and tangle in with them, stopping my movements as she threads our hands together.

"Give me a chance, Spence," she whispers, and I finally look up, her eyes pleading and her face unsure.

"For what?"

She looks away for a long time and it's a shattering silence in the room; I don't think she's even going to answer, but then she looks back at me, sighing again and not really meeting my eyes.

"Just give me a chance to be what you want. I know everything's complicated now, and I know I'm probably going to hell for this, but I don't care. We can do this however you want. We don't even have to do it at all. It's your decision and I can't hold it against you if you say no, okay? I get that you're married. I do. I know what that means," she takes a deep breath here and I can see her eyes filling up and I can hear her voice wavering a little more with every word and truth be told, I'm fucking terrified right now.

"Everything's all wrong right now and I know that, Spencer. And I know I'm not helping at all. But just let me at least have a chance to be right for you."

The moisture in her eyes finally brims over, two lone tears falling and she lets go of one of my hands, brushing them away quickly. And a crying Ashley is a heartbreaking Ashley.

"Do you love me?" It comes out before I can stop it, before I can register that it's not a question I should be asking. I shouldn't want to know. Because it would make things so much harder. Because I don't even know what it means if she says yes. I don't know how I would begin to handle that.

"I feel everything for you, Spence," she whispers, dodging the exact question because she probably knows that it won't make any of this easier.

I nod and sigh, but it's her next words that slam through the quiet and shine a spotlight in my face.

"Do you think you could love me?"

ASHLEY POV

That wasn't meant to come out like that. I didn't mean to say it. And I don't want to put her on the spot and force her to answer. But I don't know how to take it back. I don't know how to back pedal and pretend it never happened.

Because every fiber of my being needs to know the answer.

I know it isn't much as far as updates go, but idgaf. Been busy. Btw, for anyone who hasn't seen Black Swan, get the fuck out of the computer chair and go find a theater it's playing in. Or download it. I don't care. That's what I did. Took forever, but definitely worth it. Fantastic film. Aronofsky never fails to deliver. If nothing else, watch it to see Winona Ryder's face.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I appreciate it, you guys are the best, blah blah blah.

Chapter title came from a Pink Floyd song. If you don't listen to them… We have no future together.