The Secret Life of a Girl
Chapter XIV: Girl and Boy vs. Death
Two days after that exhilarating night on the rooftop, Eries was still under the spell of starlight and music and Allen's touch. She recalled every detail with pristine clarity -- the texture of the handkerchief that contained the earcuffs, the timbre of the violins during the aria, the tender pressure of Allen's arms around her body.
She knew she was tormenting herself on multiple fronts. They had been dancing to slow music. Men and women held onto each other and stood close together when they danced to slow music, whether they were lovers or only friends. They had danced like that at balls before.
But we weren't that close, he's always had his eyes wide open and he's certainly never massaged my back. And the earcuffs…
The earcuffs. She had worn them everywhere, raising the eyebrows and speculation of the palace staff. Some complimented her on her unique style, others wondered what weirdness the Quiet One was up to now. True to the nickname, Eries greeted all comments with a pointed silence. She wasn't about to put aside a gift with such meaning no matter what a bunch of petty gossips thought about it. Her only problem was deciding exactly what the meaning was.
Like the dance, she was of two minds. It had been her birthday. Princesses received extravagant gifts on their birthdays. Her father had given her a jeweled bracelet more costly than the earcuffs. But that bracelet had been purchased because it was befitting of a princess, not Eries specifically. She hadn't worn it yet and didn't have plans to wear it unless her father asked about it. Allen, on the other hand, had noticed something she had liked and taken the time and a considerable sum of money to give her a gift that could only be for her. That went beyond the bounds of friendship.
Didn't it?
What if it did? She and Allen had been friends for so long, the change to something more frightened her even as she longed for it. And it wasn't as if the man sitting two chairs to her right would welcome the change. King Aston had asked her twice already during the council meeting what was wrong with her when her more pleasant thoughts had brought an unintentional, loopy grin to her face.
She shuffled the report on grain supplies lying before her to make it look like she was paying attention and drifted off again. She had once promised herself that nothing would ever happen between her and Allen. Nothing had changed since then. She was still a princess, one that was now attracting the occasional political marriage proposal at that. He was still a knight, with no connections beyond his family's infamous name. Nothing could happen. Nothing official. Realistically, the most she could hope for was an affair. Illicit liaisons in the night were not what she wanted. The illicit part, anyway. She didn't have to look any further than the disaster that had been Allen and Marlene's romance to convince herself of that.
Nonetheless, she heard the echo of words Marlene had said to her so long ago - "There are some things which cannot be denied…"
Ugh. Don't think about Marlene! She's in Freid, safely married to man who worships her.
The universe conspired to have her do otherwise. Before the meeting could come to a close, a page broke into the room. Between deep breaths for air, he announced an envoy from Freid had arrived with urgent news. The envoy would arrive shortly, the page having been sent ahead to make sure King Aston would be ready to receive him. The page had not been told anything as to what the news was about.
The council broke out into loud murmurs and speculation. The leading theory was that Freid's economy had picked up significantly since the end of the drought; perhaps Freid had grown tired of the lopsided treaty it had with Asturia. The envoy was here to renegotiate. Others guessed it was another attack on a convoy or maybe an attack on Freid itself. King Aston was eerily quiet.
The envoy arrived. He was a tall man with the girth to match. His robes and shaved head marked him as a monk. He said his name was Voris. He said he served directly under Mahad dal Freid. He said he traveled here as quickly as he could. He said the Duke wanted to tell the Astons personally but had to stay with his son. He said he was very sorry.
He said Marlene was dead.
***
Eries stood by the doors to the infirmary as still as the stone pillars that lined the hallway. Doctors and important officials passed in and out, checking on the status of their king. Aston had collapsed shortly after Voris' announcement. The councilmen, fearing an attack similar to the one he had suffered after Queen Therese's death, had panicked and sent the page searching for a doctor, any doctor, to come while they clustered around their fallen lord. Aston had come around in less than a minute, claiming he was fine, but the alarm had already been raised. Even though Aston had walked himself down here, they still fretted over him like his was an invalid, forcing him into a sick bed and telling him not to worry about the day-to-day running of the kingdom. Everything was in capable hands.
The door flew open once more, emitting Lord Poniard and an anonymous physician. Eries' skirt fluttered in the breeze created by the movement. It was the only motion detectable around the princess. She felt herself to be worse than the pillars. They had a purpose. They were supporting something. All she could do was stand.
She heard a voice ask if the youngest princess had been told yet. More voices gave their condolences and wished for the king's swift recovery. The voices repeated, this time with different words. She came to realize the voices were addressed towards her and had been for several minutes. She stared at the sources of the words until they backed away uncomfortably, leaving to find others with whom they could share in their mourning.
Her mind told her to move. To go in to see her father. To go find Millerna. To be something other than a useless statue frozen in the hall unwilling and unable to acknowledge any of the activity around her. She closed her eyes, wanting to shut out the outer and inner voices that were nagging at her along with her sight.
She listened to the pattern of footsteps -- the subtle ones made by the handmaidens, the hurried ones made by the physicians and two heavier sets made by men in thick boots. The sound was accompanied by the jangle of swords hanging in their scabbards and another voice, this one familiar. Maerzen. He usually went to a practice session then on to lunch when she was in council meetings. He must have heard the news while he was at the commissary.
"Princess, are you all right? There are these rumors flying around about the king. Is he all right?"
Eries could sense him looking at the second man in confusion when she didn't answer or even open her eyes. The other man stepped forward, placing his hands on her shoulders. She recognized the feel of his touch, the scent of his cologne.
"Eries," Allen pleaded gently. "You have to tell us what's wrong. What happened to your father? Are you okay?"
She sank into him, wrapping her arms around him and clutching him so tightly, her fingers dug into his back. He held on to her too, in a concerned return of her embrace. He started caressing the back of her head and told her everything would be all right despite not knowing what was wrong. Each pass of his hand coaxed tears out of her she had previously been determined not to shed.
Maerzen grabbed the next person to leave the infirmary and questioned him about the king's condition. He was fine, especially given the shock he had received. One of the doctors had given him a mild sedative and ordered bed rest as a precaution.
"Shock? What shock?" Allen asked. "Eries, what happened?"
She tried to pull away. More people were gathering in the halls and observing the way she held onto Allen and her outpour of emotion. Allen let go of her only enough to lead her to an alcove while Maerzen ensured no one would bother them. Eries noted bitterly it was exactly one floor below the alcove in which Marlene had confronted her about the engagement to Duke Freid. Allen made her sit on a bench built into the wall. He undid his cravat and gave it to Eries as a provisional handkerchief. Then he knelt down, took her hands in his and asked her again what was wrong.
Once again, Eries was in the position to deliver the worst to Allen. She didn't see it as a cruel duty this time, though. He had loved Marlene, too. He could appreciate her sorrow, grieve with her.
She told him.
He clasped her hands forcefully for an unbearable second, then let go of them entirely. "What…?"
Eries rubbed at the ache he had caused in her hands. "The monk, Voris, he said she had some kind of rare illness. The doctors there thought that because she spent most of her life here, she didn't have the resistance to it that native Freidians do. The Duke told us she was sick, but I didn't think…" She started crying again. Having told Allen, having spoken of Marlene's death aloud had made it real and irrevocable. Her sister was gone.
Eries slid off the bench and pressed against him, needing the comfort his presence provided. Instinctively, his arms came up around her, not holding her but framing her form. He did not tell her everything would be all right. He didn't tell her anything at all. His body was rigid. A sheen of cold sweat covered his skin.
She squeezed him tighter, as if trying to wring out the heat that had so quickly drained from him. She searched his dulled eyes for a sign of what was going through his mind. The answer was clear. Allen wasn't there anymore - he was lost in a summer that had passed three years ago.
She had been wrong. It wasn't Allen had loved Marlene. It was he was in love with her still.
Eries fled for the safety of her bedroom. Behind her, Maerzen called out her name and gave a brief pursuit, stopping when he came to Allen. No other noise came from the alcove.
***
Eries ignored the knocking at her door. She huddled in the darkness of her room, refusing to light a single lamp even though night had fallen several hours earlier. Maerzen had been by not long before. He had knocked and talked through the locked door for ten minutes before giving in and leaving. She assumed the new knocking was nothing more than proof that the Caeli did not give up so easily.
One Caeli never gave up on anything. Allen Schezar was incapable of letting go. His father. His sister. His mother. Now Marlene. He buried the past in a shallow grave where he could dig it up at any time so that it may dig into him. Eries berated herself as a fool for thinking that he would do something so healthy as letting the past be and living in the present. She felt all the more foolish for believing that the present and a possible future included her. Something less than seven hours ago, she had been dizzily weighing the odds of an affair. Two nights ago, she had been dancing on the rooftops while her dreams seemingly came true around her.
Two nights ago, Marlene had been lying in her deathbed while Eries cavorted about in the arms of her sister's ex-lover, utterly dismissive of the ill tidings from Freid regarding her health.
The thought chilled her. It stole her anger and disappointment towards Allen and brought it back to bear against another target. Herself.
Guilt flooded in even as her mind tried rationalizing. I didn't know. I didn't know how sick she had gotten. I couldn't have known. There's nothing I could have done even if I had known.
Maerzen's knocking came in rhythm with a cycle of recriminations and justifications. In time, he stopped but Eries' thoughts continued, her guilt growing as the validity of her excuses withered. Muffled voices out in the hall drew her attention for a minute, then the infernal knocking started anew.
This time it was more rapid, but softer. And it was supplemented by a high-pitched cry of her name that broke down into sobs when the speaker switched to calling out 'sister' instead.
Millerna. Eries hadn't even thought of her since fleeing the hall outside the infirmary. Eries couldn't guess how the news had been broken to Millerna. She only knew that she should have been the one to do it. It had been Marlene who had held Eries and told her of their mother's death.
Eries slunk towards the door, feeling like she had betrayed one sister and abandoned the other. She barely had the lock unfastened when Millerna pushed open the door and flung herself at Eries. The younger princess cried disjointedly, saying Marlene's name then Eries' and demanding to know why her sister had to leave her.
Momma's still here, Eries. That's what the priest said. He told me this little prayer and said I should always remember it --
I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn.*
Marlene had been all of nine years old on the day of Queen Therese's death, yet she had held Eries and recited the prayer solemnly until its meaning had sunk through Eries' grief. Nine years old and she had offered more succor than Eries knew how to give now. To repeat the prayer to Millerna seemed almost trite, but nothing else came to her.
She knelt down to meet Millerna's eyes. "I remember when Mother died, Marlene said these words to me. I think she would want you to hear them now."
Millerna listened with rapt attention. Though they were coming from Eries, these were the last words she thought she would ever hear from Marlene.
Eries hoped the prayer was having the same effect on Millerna as it had on her back then. She remembered her grief had been still very much present, but the edge of it had been dulled, a hope of something more for her mother that outweighed the personal loss had been instilled. Eries hugged Millerna close, knowing how willful the girl could be and believing that it might be enough.
"Eries? Can I ask you something?"
"Anything, Millerna. Anything."
Millerna retreated to Eries' bed. As she flopped down on among the pillows, Eries noticed for the first time that Millerna was holding a stuffed rabbit she used to carry around all the time when she was younger. She had put the toy on a shelf years ago to keep as a memento and hadn't touched it since. Now, it was clutched firmly in hand. Millerna wasn't quite as strong as Eries had thought.
Millerna pulled the bedcover up, wriggling it around her until she had a little shelter built. Peering out from under it, she asked, "How come you never talk about Mother? Nobody ever does."
"Mother?" That flustered Eries. Dealing with Marlene was a large enough task. "I suppose…I think it's because it hurts to talk about her. Father didn't handle her death well at all and refused to discuss it. I guess Marlene and I took our cues from him."
"Oh," Millerna whimpered. "Does that mean we won't talk about Marlene anymore?"
"What? No! Of course we will." Eries sat down beside her little sister. Millerna was several months away from her thirteenth birthday, but huddled under the sheets with her rabbit as she was, she seemed so much younger…and fragile. Her stubborn streak had deserted her.
She's still a child, one that's been spoiled and sheltered her whole life. She never knew Mother. Losing Marlene is the hardest thing she's ever had to face.
"Do you want to talk about her now?" Eries asked. She pulled back the bedcover, wanting to watch Millerna closely to get a better gauge of how she was really doing. Eries had been fairly off the mark so far.
"I don't know. I want to, but I don't. I mean, she's been in Freid for so long and all we ever heard from her were her letters, so it doesn't even seem real. It's like today is just another day and if I wait a few more days, we'll get one of those letters and everything will be like it was." Millerna slumped over. "That didn't make any sense."
"It makes perfect sense. We haven't seen Marlene. We're used to thinking of her living in Freid with her new family. We weren't there when…when it happened. It's tempting to think that nothing's changed."
"That monk wouldn't have lied to us, would he have?" Millerna brightened faintly.
"No, Millerna." Eries would have to tread lightly here. Her pragmatic nature wouldn't be of much use to a grieving child, but letting Millerna deny the truth with foolish fancies could be outright harmful. "I know how hard it is to accept. I didn't want to do it either. Which just means that we have to help each other through this."
"What about Father?"
"He'll be there for you, too, Millerna."
"That's not what I meant," Millerna said meekly. "My tutor said he was sick too. Just like he was after Mother died. He's not going to…"
"Father's fine, Millerna," Eries answered forcefully. At least he had been the last she had heard. She'd been sulking in her room ever since running from Allen and honestly didn't know what his current condition was.
Perfect. I've been so self-absorbed with my problems with Allen, I've ignored everybody else. I'm failing as both a sister and a daughter.
She wouldn't any more. Eries pulled Millerna towards her, dispensing her verbal attempts at empathy and letting her actions speak for her. Millerna was shaking. Her heartache for Marlene and her fear for their father were simply too much for someone of her years and protected upbringing. The shaking grew worse, but mercifully, it was from the release of emotions, not the binding of them.
In time, Millerna's crying slackened to the occasional sniffle. She looked at Eries with puffy eyes and tried to smile, "You're so together, Eries. You must think I'm a little child."
But you are still a child. There's nothing wrong with acting your age.
Eries didn't want Millerna to take that the wrong way so she said instead, "I think you're someone who's just suffered a traumatic loss. We all deal with grief in our own way and as long as we do deal with it, there isn't any one right way."That satisfied Millerna on one front. On another, she needed more reassurance. "Do you think we could go see Father? I want to know he's all right."
"I think that's an excellent idea. I'm sure he's worried about how we're doing too." Eries grabbed Millerna's hands and helped her off the bed. She made sure to straighten the girl's hair and wipe the lingering tears away with the back of her hand. The truth was, Eries was also concerned about her father. She wanted him to see that his remaining daughters were coping and take that bit of stress from him.
Eries stayed in her father's room for as long as it took to be sure Millerna's doubts about his health were gone. She tried not to act like it, but today had drained her to the point of exhaustion. The walk back to her room was short and before long, she had changed into her nightclothes and had her blankets wrapped around her. It was only after she was tucked in that she felt the lump under her back. Millerna's rabbit. Eries dug the stuffed animal out and laid it on her stomach. She toyed with the long ears of once fine velvet. Just a few puffs of fur remained on them. Millerna had nearly worn the rabbit out carrying it around so much.
Can I blame her? She's probably spent more time with this thing than she has me. I was so used to leaving her to Marlene so I could go off on my own. Now that Marlene's gone…
If anything good could come out of Marlene's passing, Eries vowed it would be that she would take better care of the sister she still had. For too long, both Eries and her father had relied on Millerna's tutor and attendants to keep track of her. Starting tomorrow, that would change.
Tonight though, Eries needed to sleep. She set the rabbit on a pillow, blew out the bedside lantern, curled up in the blankets and closed her eyes, waiting to drift off. She had one minute's peace before someone started knocking on the door. Again.
Figuring it was Millerna come to retrieve her rabbit, Eries yelled for her to come in. She didn't see any point in getting out of bed or even looking up. The door opened then closed slowly and Millerna crept over to the bed quietly.
"I noticed you had forgotten something," Eries yawned. "Or did you want to spend the night here with me?"
"What?" The voice was a good octave lower than Millerna's.
Her lethargy instantly gone, Eries twisted around to her visitor. "What are you doing here, Allen?" she snapped at him. "Has breaking into women's bedrooms become some odd habit of yours?"
"You invited me in," he answered weakly. He wasn't here to argue with Eries. It was the opposite, in fact. "Alucier was here earlier, but you wouldn't talk to him. He thought I might have better luck. He was…adamant…that I talk to you. About this afternoon…"
He had come to apologize. Eries didn't want to hear it. If he apologized, then he would explain why he had been so distant from her and that would confirm every last fear she had about his feelings for Marlene and therefore, his feelings for her.
"I'm sorry, Eries. You were so upset and I… When you told me about Marlene, I was in shock. I couldn't believe I had lost her."
"You lost her a long time ago," Eries whispered.
Allen looked at her in confusion, either surprised to hear her say what she had aloud or taken aback by the notion itself. It took him awhile to reconcile her words, longer than it should have. "Eries…"
"I don't want to hear it." Hypocrite. Didn't I just insist on stripping Millerna of her illusions?
"Eries, I know. I know I lost her the day she left for Freid, but at least I could think of her. I could think of her with Chid…"
He needs to say it. I need to hear it.
"You're still in love with her, aren't you?"Allen didn't even have to consider it. "I'll always love Marlene. I know that now."
And what did you know yesterday?
"I'm sorry, Eries."
Sorry for what exactly?
"You don't have to apologize for your feelings, Allen. Loving someone isn't something you can have control over." I would know.Allen picked up the pillow holding the rabbit and tossed it to the foot of the bed. He sat down in its place. "I'm glad you understand. But then you've always understood. Which is more than I can say for myself. You lost your sister today and I didn't think of you. I should have gone after you when you ran away."
"I wanted to be alone."
"But you're not alone, Eries."
This time, Allen was the one drawing her to him. A self-conscious thought about the wisdom of being that close to Allen where they were and with what she was wearing in her current state of emotion caused her to resist briefly, but she dismissed it as juvenile and let his arms enfold her, let him give her the comfort he had denied her earlier. What they were sharing now had nothing to do with base desires. Thinking otherwise demeaned their bond.
She realized she had been wrong about Allen for the second time today. All this time she had been wondering if Allen loved her when that wasn't the real question at all. She knew it, for a certainty, as he set aside his own pain to give compassion to her. His love might not be the same as hers, but she did have it.
This had been a day of revelations for her. She had lost one sister, but had promised to find the other. She had realized that Allen was still in love with Marlene, but had discovered how deeply he cared about her.
"I should go now," Allen announced. He didn't make any move to get up.
Eries didn't let go of him either. "Could you stay a little longer? At least until I fall asleep."
While Eries bundled herself in her blankets, Allen settled on top of the bed as comfortably as his uniform would allow. Eries was asleep was in a matter a minutes, but he stayed longer, wanting to make sure that her dreams were peaceful. Between her even breathing and the strain Marlene's death had placed on him, sleep soon claimed him as well.
He shifted during the course of the night. By morning, his head was nestled against the back of Eries' neck and one arm was flung around her slumbering form.
Which was exactly how Mina found them when she came into Eries' room to wake her.
***
*This poem is a Native American prayer. I read it once in a collection of Native American poetry and while I was writing this chapter, came across it again while card shopping on a sympathy card. I thought somebody was trying to tell me something. I couldn't find the poetry book to look up who the author was (it's probably unknown anyway) or what tribe it's from. The sympathy card didn't say either. Just know I am not claiming in any way, shape or form of being able to write something so poetic.
Author's Notes: Yay, one more chapter down, three to go. Yep, that's right. There are only three chapters left. 'Girl' is a prequel only; I never had any intention of going into the series. Not with this fic anyway. ^_^ Details with be forthcoming…
Serena B was once again kind enough to grace us with 'Girl' fan art. It can be found on my website at:
http://www.geocities.com/aerikas/faneries2.html
Serena's website is at:
http://www.geocities.com/nozomib4/index.htmlHer author page is at:
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=49862I'm planning on updating Beautiful ****ed Up Man this weekend, so do check in.
Next up: Things get a little sweaty when 'Girl Meets Boy Out in the Swamps'. And no, it's not because of the humidity. ^_~