There and Back Again: Nothing Just Ends on Oban
Chapter 14: Squee!!!! Shinji Squee!!!!!!!
Warning: Anyone who is entirely immortal suffers from chronic insanity, even the sanest ones.
Pairings: This is not a Molly/Jordan, it might become a Molly/Aikka, but for now there are no pairings.
Disclaimer: We don't know French…that'll probably give you a clue. But we own every Gazian, every Perkgurean and Sotai's magic bag. The Norse stuff…is basically my version of old myths. So practically it is MINE, too.
As Sebastian Gatti – Shinji's thirty-nine year-old human alter ego – continued to type away at his computer, going over the legal proceedings his company was overseeing in an international trade between itself and two other export companies, his male secretary kept his female coworkers FAR AWAY!!! He doesn't trust human women - above twenty – anymore.
It was the twelfth day of February and Shinji had no desire to affiliate with any of his female coworkers. He may be 'married' but they found that there really was no damage in giving him gifts, as well was the occasional lunch. Back on his planet, he or his wife had the right to run them out of their territory or beat them into their rightful place. If only he could do that here…
Maybe, he should give Mr. Walker – his secretary – a raise for having to deal with such stupidity, along with his usual chores. God knew he wouldn't stand for it, wife or no wife.
Valentine's Day was a horrible time of the year as far as he was concerned. There was pink and red everywhere, hearts and candy that were much too sweet to enjoy and the happy goo-goo eyed couples…well it wasn't that bad as long as no one harassed him.
He really did like the idea behind the human holiday. In fact, at one point in time while checking out the planet's technological progress – to see if it could apply for the great Oban Race, back when they worked for Satis - Sotai had teased him by saying that he was a hopeless romantic at heart…well, more like, she accused him of being filled with toxic goop for liking all that romantic stuff.
"I knew it! You're too nice to not be one of THEM!!!" she had accused him at the video rental store called, 'Luis's video rental'.
Putting down the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, he took his time to stare impassively at the woman, "One of what?"
"You're a ROMANTIC!!! A hopeless romantic! You go Squee inside!!!" she flailed her arms as if to help make her point.
"Squee?" he arched his brow, dryly questioning her logic.
"It's what hopeless romantics, like you, and Valentine's Day are made out of: the evil goopy, love-love evilness of Squee!!!!" She blamed him.
He never got what was so bad about being a romantic, but the fact that she loved Action/Adventure flicks with the occasional Horror, didn't make it easy to find a quality film they'd both enjoyed, that decade or any of the following ones.
He had to get a game plan ready for the next few days. Just because this was the last year he'd be stuck in this rat-trap, didn't make things any easier. Valentine's Day was just a couple days away and he had no game plan as to how to successfully escape the evil harpies – otherwise known as his female coworkers and clients.
Returning back to his two day count down, before he had no other options but to run and hide, he decided to ask advice from the only Earther he knew could understand enough to help him…but Jordan currently didn't know he existed, so he decided on Eva.
"So let me get this straight…you have an adult version of a fan club harassing you…and you don't want me to tell her, why?" She had suspiciously asked, after being told the near unreal problem Jordan's future assistant was having.
Of course, said help, would only be accepted if Sotai wouldn't find out.
"Because, I'll pay you back; I'll do anything to repay you…within reason." He pleaded over the Boarding school's phone.
"You'll even let me out and give me permission to properly celebrate Valentine's Day, outside my school?" she bargained over the phone, clearly interested in just how she could use this to her advantage.
The Perkgurean was certain that she had been overly exposed to his Gazian counterpart, so giving her a change of scenery would probably be VERY healthy before letting her take part in the great race.
"Very, well" he sighed accepting the girl's terms, "What do you have in mind?" He was already too tired of trying everything that came to mind, sans murder, torture and harassment, to get these women to leave him alone.
Enlisting the help of a fourteen year-old girl probably seemed cowardly at first glance, but really it's Molly or the EVIL SADIST WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF EXPERIENCE, also known as his partner. It's a no-brainer; he had no interest in sending the poor women to an asylum.
"Well…" and thus a moderately odd plan was concocted between the two.
The plan consisted in 'Sebastian' letting it slip to his coworkers that he and his wife were splitting up and that he had a lunch meeting with his lawyer on Valentine's Day. He would ask early leave from the senior partners and depart from the firm at around 11a.m. – so to avoid dealing too much with his fan club. Then he would leave the building with a pretty female lawyer, who would flirt with him, but he'd pay no attention to her - as usual. They would then drive to a restaurant of his choice and subsequently he'd only have to deal with one girl the entire next two hours, before having a nice calm day to himself.
All he had to do was to get somebody to chauffeur her around and somehow have a signed legalized form stating that her father has allowed said person to take her and 'Tinga' out for a day, where they'll later split up. Sotai was interested in seeing something in town…
It was a simple plan. It wouldn't undo his fan club or get her out of school early, but a holiday is what everybody needs every so often. They both deserved one.
Thus, Valentine's Day came and everything had so far gone well.
He had gotten lots of greetings of condolences from his coworkers and even some indecent proposals – which he vehemently refused - in light of his now-failed 'marriage'.
There was a mysterious pile of sweats that had somehow managed to bypass his secretary, which he decided he'd ship off to Molly, if this plan of hers worked.
The senior partners, also, had surprisingly received a phone call from his mysterious lawyer and had seen fit to allow him the day off. he had worked for them non-stop for the last eight years and none of his current cases were necessarily urgent, so giving him a one day vacation didn't sound so bad…he WAS going to work off most of the morning, anyway.
The only part of his deal that he wasn't so sure was brilliant was: getting Galatea to chauffeur Molly around town. What she was up to, he wasn't sure. But, getting her father to sign that form on false pretenses – to let Eva and his 'daughter' go to a nearby cinema on the Valentine weekend – was the most…Gazian thing he'd ever done. And, he really DID prefer not talking about how he got Don Wei to fall for it, while they were at that conference. What was the elder Wei doing there, anyway?
The world was really too convenient, lately. What with finding Don Wei the day after his phone call to Molly, getting the man to so easily sign the form and Galatea reading his signature by accidentally letting the papers fall from the table, which had been sloppily put near the edge – after having seen a signature once, she can later forge it. It was almost as if Aiden were messing with him, again. Sure things were going his way, but that manipulative bastard was Sotai's brother and MOST DEFINITELY NOT to be trusted.
Earlier that morning at eight a.m., Sotai and Molly were being toured around the city Shinji worked at, which was amazingly three hours away from the Stern Boarding School; Galatea was at the wheel.
"So, what are we going to do today, Molly-chan?" Galatea sing sang-ed. The Gazian was dressed in an elegant, yet simple, plaid white winter coat with jeans.
"Well. I'm going to get myself a pair of tattoos, dye my hair…and maybe get my ears pierced." Eva assertively told the silver haired woman. The Terran girl was dressed in a plain black parka with military cargo pants.
Seemingly puzzled by the Earthlings response, Galatea turned to look at Sotai "Isn't Valentine's Day supposed to be a day where you do…cute things: Snuggle, kiss, eat candy, spend time with close friends?"
Shrugging Sotai waved her hand at the thought, "Not really. I've learned that humans view tradition as more of a ritualistic teaching their parents and teachers have implanted in their minds as children. This leads these children into feeling they should use this time of the year as a time to shop for cards, candies and other sweets for loved ones – a capitalist brainwashing technique from the first half of this century that still lingers in the society of today. As these children grow older, however, these vestiges are over run by present day society values, in which it is best to celebrate a holiday in a way that symbolizes to the person the meaning of said holiday. By consequence, Dolly Molly's way of showing love for her loved ones is symbolizing on her body objects that represent something meaningful."
Galatea appeared to have understood the complex explanation, whilst Eva allowed herself to openly look at Sotai as if she were on drugs.
Sotai's official profession in the universe, other than being the Avatar's assistant, was a sort of galactic species anthropologist…you can tell, can't you? She called it bio-anthropology, because she studies people – human or not.
"Or, it could just be cool!" Eva sweatdropped, at the weird answer.
"Cool? Galatea asked, confused.
"Don't ask, I don't think I want to know how the word 'interesting' turned into below warm temperature." The indigo-eyed Gazian resignedly informed her silver-eyed compatriot. "Well, this is my stop. I'm getting down here!" she announced out of the blue.
"Here? But, I thought we were all going to go out and get tattoos!" whined Galatea.
"Sorry Tammy-chan, but you know I already have enough kaejios, as do you. Besides, Eva Diva made specific plans, that do, yet don't, include me." Shutting the car door and waving the duo off, she bid them farewell and ventured alone into the city, not looking back.
Still in the car, Eva turned to look at Galatea, owlishly blinking "You guys got tattoos? But…Sotai doesn't even like earrings…cause they sting!"
Tammy-chan a.k.a. Galatea sweatdropped, as she nervously rubbed the back of her head, "Eh…well, it's a social thing back home. So…yeah! Besides, they don't hurt…not the way we do them…hehehe…yeah!"
By eleven, Shinji was ready to leave his office in search of his lawyer. What he didn't expect was who he found in the lobby, talking to ALL of his female coworkers. Yes, indeed, Sotai in all her adult glory stood intrepidly in front of his entire fan club, plus some, scaring the poor group out of their minds by just telling them a story and was clearly enjoying it.
"…then I took a blunt soup spoon and shoved it down her throat and while that harpy was chocking on the offending object, I turned to the dragon. And with the sword, that by the way just appeared from the shadows around me, I gutted it alive by stabbing it in the stomach and swiped the blade across its belly. The guts rushed out at me, but I wasn't satisfied with that. No, I decided to instead chop off its lower jaw and hurl the fang-ridden jowl through the old hag that had been standing there with my girl telling her cruel things. I just couldn't allow that, now could I? Not taking too long, I ordered her to go hide as I then I turned to look for the harpy, who wasn't there, but then when I started looking around for the damned thing, I woke up. What do you guys think it meant?" she innocently stated, to the ghastly pale group of women around her.
Wisely staying out of Sotai's way, the Perkgurean sat next to his nauseated secretary who had, in fact, heard the sadist's whole story/dream.
One of the loudest of his 'supporters' decided to try her luck at deciphering what to Shinji was a clear 'one wrong move and I'll kill you all' story, "I think it means that you have a strained relationship with the women in your life, you are obsessive and easily pushed into fits of anger. It could also mean you're a misanthrope and only became a lawyer to damn us all." She ventured.
Smiling amusedly at the girl, "Ami, was it? Well, you see I talked to my shrink before making my way here. He obviously said something I didn't agree with, since I've been asking everyone's opinion about it. But, what he told me was this: After, losing my husband to this harpy who didn't respect the fact that he was a married man, I fell into a descending spiral hating anyone who doesn't agree with my ideals and using my position as a lawyer to murderously torture every bitch who reminded me of that skank who might have done me or my daughter any harm, during MY divorce. That I am now trying to slowly rid the world of lice-infested parasitic worms that just so happen to be moderately OK human beings. He told me that my impulses to stop myself from viciously gutting them, disemboweling them with blunt SPOONS, stappeling their heads to random pieces of furniture, dislocating every bone and ligament in their bodies by accidentally pushing them down steep stairways, putting Anthrax in their food and anything else I can think up was giving me these nightmares and thus turning me into a BAD person."
She openly scoffed at this new admittance, "Look at me do I look that horribly vicious to you?" None from her crowd articulated a single word. They would have said 'no' if asked to judge her by just looking at her, but from the glee in her voice when explaining that which she didn't agree with her psychologist…they didn't want to find out just how right her psychologist was.
"I don't know, you always seemed slightly unhinged to me." Shinji dryly uttered from across the room. "Though, I have to admit the food was good."
Everyone in the room turned to look at him, returning their gazes to Sotai as she grinned wryly in his direction, "Sebastian, seems she got tired of you all too soon. Hmmm?"
Elegantly, seizing her suitcase from the floor, she turned to him, "Ready to go over your divorce to that thing?" swiftly entwining her arm around his as they left the building together…
"You're his first wife?" Jessica, another of the Perkgurean's fans, gasped in horror.
Smiling a mischievous grin, "Of course, I am. What other female lawyer do you know would even try to gladly murder, her client's ex-wife? I aim for there to be NO settlement or division of possessions. I'M GONNA RUIN HER, JUST YOU WAIT!!!!" and laughing like a mad-woman, she dragged her 'ex-husband' out the door and into his car.
Sitting in the driver's seat Shinji cautiously looked at Sotai, "Such a way to talk about your sister, who just so happens to be doing you the favor you're crucifying her for."
Sighing dreamily Sotai just mumbled to herself, "Crucifixion! Hmmm..!" ignoring the Perkgurean completely, undoubtedly daydreaming about whatever twisted little hell dimension, she could imagine…
"You're not listening…are you?" he exasperatedly moaned to…himself. "Well, just for that, you're making me lunch!" he started to rant, "Just so you know, I want Anticuchos. The real Peruvian-kind of Anticuchos, not that slapstick stuff that tastes like a regular steak."
Sotai never said anything, but Shinji got pretty quiet when her stomach started rumbling, "uhhh…steak is Ok, too…"
Meeting Eva on the way back to the Boarding school, Sotai only smiled when asked 'how'd her day go'. It was only a couple months later, Molly found out that Sotai had cooked Shinji a meat-lovers banquet, on the condition that if he receive anymore lunches from his admirers, he'd hand it over. School food was a little too human oriented for her tastes.
Afterwards, Eva swore she heard Sotai laugh "Squee….heheheheHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
DaCat: I love Anticuchos. COME TO PERU…THE FOOD IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I've been having a bit of a hard time, having the computer to myself for long periods of time. Pretty, nightmare-ish, since I wanted this thing out yesterday.
Now, I've got to get to the next chap…T-T…God, I hope I do that one much better!
SWT: Sotai no Kawaii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is such a nice person when she's not a sadist or trying to play with people's minds. I love Sotai!!
I also want Anticuchos… but I want salsa with it. Peruvian goodness…
Shinji wasn't expecting Sotai to come to his rescue and now they have beautiful and wonderful meat to enjoy. Shinji must praise the floor Sotai walks on!!! (Laughs like a mad person) So fun!!