Story: Facing Fear

Summary: The war is on the horizon and Lily has had her side chosen for her, but with so much tragedy surrounding her young life and all her ambitions, can she pull through stronger than before or will this war will break apart everything she's ever known?

Chapter Fourteen: A Series of Secrets

Secrets are made to be found out with time.

~ Walter Chrysler

James looked into his full length mirror testily, trying in vain to make his hair lay flat.

"Just give up, dear," The mirror sighed.

"Geez, thanks," he replied, ignoring its advice.

He had a date with Lily tonight, their first in this bass-akwards relationship of theirs. It had taken him weeks, but he'd finally convinced her that if they were already sleeping together, saying yes to a date with him really shouldn't hurt her pride any.

It was remarkable to James that the red-head, who'd been so reluctant to accept the offer, had become so excited about their secret date in the past few days. She'd been the one to pick the room of requirement for the date since his friends knew the password to their tower. She'd also been the one to determine a "dress code" for the occasion, insisting she spent far too much time in her school uniform as it was.

She was the reason he was standing in his room in his best khaki slacks and a black button-up shirt six days before his birthday trying in vain to look impressive, because, deep down, even as he'd teased her for her fluster, James had waited seven years for this moment and he wasn't about to blow it.

"James!"

He jumped, his eyes searching wildly around the room at the sound of Sirius' voice. He peered suspiciously into the corner of the room where he knew Sirius would hide if he'd managed to steal the invisibility cloak.

"Yoohoo, Jamesy?"

This time James was able to trace the sound in the direction of his bed and he swore colorfully as he recognized the source. Picking up the mirror he hissed at his best friend, "What?"

"Geez, you're grumpy," Sirius muttered, his face coming into focus in the surface of the small two-way hand mirror they'd bewitched nearly three years ago for communication.

"Sorry," James sighed, trying not to sound annoyed. He'd have to leave in ten minutes to meet Lily and he still wasn't satisfied with his appearance. Of course, there was no way Sirius could know any of that. "What's up?"

Sirius gave him an incredulous look. "You're joking right? We've been waiting on you for thirty minutes, we've got to go like...now."

"Sirius, don't be cryptic. What are you talking about?"

"James! It's March 24!" James knew very well what day it was. It was his and Lily's first date. It would go down in history next to hell freezing over, pigs flying and their first kiss. What he didn't know was why that mattered to Sirius. "It's a full moon, you wanker! How could you forget that!"

How, indeed?

*~LE~*

Lily looked down at her watch testily, her pacing steps never faltering as she worked on wearing a hole into the floor of the room of requirement. Today, under the request of "I need somewhere nice and private for my date with James," the room was cozy with red hangings along all the walls and mahogany wood floors. A small, round table stood to one side of the room, it's top and chairs covered in rich gold fabric and set for two expectantly. The other side of the room was bare — a floor for dancing, Lily suspected — with nothing but a wireless attached to the wall which was currently crooning some sappy love song at her.

An hour ago, when she'd entered the room, Lily had been delighted by her surroundings, admiring the fabric, testing the food (which appeared, she learned, when you focused on how hungry you were) and humming to the music. Now, however, James was very, very late and Lily was remarkably annoyed.

Fidgeting with the long-sleeved green dress she'd donned for the occasion, she sighed grumpily, checked her watch once more and then with an angry shriek stormed out of the room.

The wind was strong and chilly, blowing her hair into her face so that it stuck to the tears trailing down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, wishing she'd thought to grab a cloak as she'd stormed from the castle somewhere between distraught and furious. Shivering, she pulled her sleeves down around her hands so that only her fingernails were susceptible to the penetrating wind, but gooseflesh covered her bare legs and she knew that even in her pathetic melancholy, it wouldn't be wise to stay out much longer.

Swiping angrily at her tears she rose from her spot on the ground, cursing herself for agreeing to this date, this arrangement and the feelings swarming in her core when she thought about him. This was supposed to be convenient and easy. It wasn't supposed to hurt.

She stood up from where she'd been squatting by her favorite tree at the edge of lake. When she'd been younger, she and Severus had spent hours there studying, telling each other funny stories or just enjoying one another's company. When his new group of disapproving friends had come between them and he didn't like to see her in public anymore, Lily had started coming by herself or with Dorcas. It was the lake, she thought, that drew her so desperately to this place. It was the way the whole world reflected in its surface like Alice's rabbit hole. It was the idea that if she jumped through, maybe the world would be completely different on the other side.

"I could use a little 'different' right now," she muttered to herself, tearing her gaze away from the lake's glassy surface. A high-pitched howling shattered the silence and stillness of the castle grounds at night.

She frowned, turning to locate the source. It was a strange sounding howl, unlike any dog she'd ever heard and full of a sort of melancholy she thought she understood in her current emotional state. But there were no wild dogs in Hogwarts or Hogsmede and there weren't any wolves living in the Dark Forest. In fact the only creatures she could think of that might howl so strangely were...her head jerked quickly back to the surface of the lake where she'd been admiring the reflection of the full moon.

Oh, shit!

She turned back towards the castle in time to hear the low, rumbling growl of a stalking creature and she held her breath as her eyes adjusted to the gloom, meeting a pair of glowing ones that came attached to dripping, sharp fangs.

Lily held her breath as the great, grey beast held its ground, its eyes roving up and down her shivering body hungrily. Trying to move as little as possible, Lily quietly and slowly eased her foot back behind her, hoping to make contact with the tree she'd been sitting at and climb it. Her heart sunk as her foot cracked a twig or leaf and the wolf, fueled by her movement, reared back. With nothing left to do, Lily sent out a silent prayer, threw her hands up over her face and braced herself for the impact.

A sickening thud alerted her that the wolf had made contact but, moments later, she realized she'd not moved from where she stood. She pulled her arms away quickly to the most magnificent sight: a large stag was wrestling the werewolf, herding it away from her with its antlers, backing the beast towards the edge of the lake. Lily gasped as something tugged on her sleeve and she looked down to see a huge, shaggy black dog pulling her in the direction of the castle.

"Sn-Snuffles?" she stammered, recognizing the beast from her visit with Mopsy.

What the hell is he doing so far from Hogsmede?

But there would be time for analysis later. Right then, all Lily knew was that she'd been saved from the brink of death. Heeding the dogs whimpers, she nodded and allowed him to lead her to the castle gates as quickly as her feet could take her.

Relief flooded through her as she reached the front doors, pushing them open and racing inside. The dog, surprisingly, followed her in. Lily breathed in shaky relief as she turned to shut the doors behind them and barely resisted the urge to shriek when she turned around to face Sirius Black.

She looked around wildly, wondering where he'd come from, and where Snuffles had gone and why Sirius didn't seem surprised to find Lily out so late. And then it clicked.

"You're an animagus," she whispered in disbelief. Sirius grimaced but nodded in the affirmative. "I…How? When? Why?" she breathed, unsure of which question she needed answered first.

"Later, Lils," he told her, his voice tight. "Right now we've got to get back outside and help James."

Lily's brow creased as she turned towards the closed oak doors. "James? But…" Prongs. She gasped, "The stag?"

Sirius nodded again and, quite unexpectedly, reached into his shirt pocket producing a grey garden rat. He set it on the ground and moments later Peter Pettigrew stood there, blinking owlishly at her.

"You're all animagus?"

"Not all of us…" Peter murmured.

And Lily understood. She threw her hands over her mouth in a gasp, "It was Remus," she whispered, sadness for her friends making her stomach twist.

The boys nodded. "We've gotta go, Lily." Sirius said.

She nodded without an argument. "When you get back," she told them, opening the door to let them out, "Come straight to my room. I've got some questions."

*~JP~*

James would reflect, for years afterwards, that it had been a bad idea to leave Lily alone for so long with only her active mind for company, working herself into a frenzy of anger and annoyance.

The thought first entered his mind when, stepping through the portrait hole to his common room behind his friends, he found a pair of small hands on his chest, pushing him roughly back into the nearest wall.

"You idiots," she shouted, before the three boys had even had a chance to greet her. James looked at the red head, still in the green dress from before, her hair falling in waves down her back, her feet bare and her face a tense mask of worry, and he knew she'd not slept a wink all night.

"Lily, calm down," he said gently as Sirius and Peter took seats on the sofa and he tried to ease his way there as well.

"Calm down," she shrieked, halting his progress. "Do you have any idea what could've happened? You all could've been killed! And do you have any idea what would've happened to Remus if you were? I'll tell you what would happen; he would've faced in inquiry with the Ministry. It could ruin his life!"

"Lily, we've done this loads of times," James told her, his exhaustion making him overly annoyed and not in the mood to be shouted at. "It's perfectly safe!"

"Safe," she scoffed, "James, I was almost killed tonight!"

His anger broke. He knew the danger she had been in. He could still feel where his heart had threatened to beat out of his chest when he thought he wouldn't reach her in time. "Well what the fuck were you doing out on the night of a full moon, anyway?" He shouted.

Her eyes blazed and James knew he'd gone too far. When Lily spoke she was practically hysterical. "What was I doing? I'll tell you what I was doing James Potter, I was out there feeling lonely and dejected because you stood me up! You stood me up on a date that you insisted we go on because, what the hell, we're already sleeping together right?" Her voice cracked on her last words and he saw tears well up in her eyes.

Feeling awful, he softened instantly and took a step towards her, placing his hands on her shoulders and meeting her bloodshot eyes. "I'm sorry, Lils, honest. I'd forgotten about the moon when I picked the date."

"Oh, you forgot?"

"Yes, Lily, I forgot. Merlin, the last thing I ever wanted was to stand you up! I've been trying to get that date for five years!"

"Then why didn't you meet me?" Her voice was a hoarse whisper of desperation as a single tear slipped down her cheek. In that moment James knew suddenly that, no matter what masks she wore for the world, for him, she was in this deeper than she'd ever care to admit. Some part of her, however small, was feeling for him what he had always felt for her.

Gently, he cupped her face in his hands, pressing his forehead against hers. "Please don't cry, Lily. I never wanted to hurt you. It's just…it's easier for him when we're there, he…he doesn't hurt himself as much."
"And what if one day he gets hold of one of you, hmmm?"

"Werewolves don't have an instinct to attack animals. We can keep him in line, make sure he doesn't hurt anyone."

"Like tonight?" she asked, fingering a scratch on his shoulder curiously.

"Yes, like tonight. We would never let him hurt anyone, Lils. That's why we're there."

She nodded and her voice was much softer when she said, "I can't even hate you for this, can I? You were just trying to help a friend." She sounded so put out that he couldn't help but chuckle a little. She looked up and gave him a watery smile in return.

"I'll be damned," Sirius' voice broke into their moment. "Moony was right about them." James felt Lily tense under his hands, her eyes meeting his in wide horror as she turned around to face his two friends whom they'd both forgotten were in the room.

"Moony is always right," Peter added with a smirk, "You kids have some explaining to do."

"Yeah, what's all this about dates and shagging?" Sirius' smirk was overwhelming. Lily moaned softly and James gripped her hand.

~~LE~~

"So, you two have been dating for three months?" Remus chuckled when Lily entered his curtain-covered hospital area the afternoon following the full moon with a small bag tucked under her arm. He looked awful, she noted, with a long, jagged scar down his right arm covered in a thick blue salve and deep purple circles under his eyes.

"Not dating," she sighed, very aware that Sirius and Peter, who'd been sworn to secrecy in the wee hours of the morning after an exhausting conversation, had told Remus already. She opened the bag and handed him a wrapped sandwich from lunch.

"Shagging then?" He amended curiously, accepting the offered food with a smirk.

She shook her head sheepishly, her face going red as her roots as she took a seat near his bed. "It's not just that either," she sighed, dropping her face into her hands. "I don't know what we are anymore…I…I don't even know where he begins and I end." She looked up to meet Remus' eyes but couldn't read anything in them. "Well, say something!"

Remus chuckled then. "I can't believe he finally won you over." He took a large bite from his sandwich.

"You're not being very helpful!"

"I wasn't aware that's what I was supposed to be doing," Remus laughed. It was good to see him laugh, especially after the night he must've had, but Lily was in no mood to be picked at. She scowled at him and he immediately brought himself under some semblance of control. "Sorry, it's just," he hesitated, "Not what I expected of you."

"I'm a tart, aren't I?" she sighed embarrassedly. "Christ, what kind of Head Girl goes around secretly shagging in broom closets?"

"Broom closets? Really?" She threw a roll from the bag at him which he caught deftly and began wolfing down.

"Do you think less of me?"

"Don't be stupid, Lily, of course not."

"But it is unexpected? I mean, I'm not the sort of girl who…"

"Has a secret relationship with her arch nemesis," he offered. "No. But then...maybe that's the point. You two, I think you're rather perfect for each other."

"We're not dating Remus." She reminded him.

"You would be if it hadn't been for me." He was suddenly solemn and not meeting her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous."
"Lily, aren't you upset? I could've…Gods, I could've killed you last night," his eyes were dark and haunted by the thought.

Lily shook her head, "I'm not afraid of you, Remus. Don't be afraid of yourself. You're a wonderful person. I know you wouldn't hurt me."

"How can you know that?" He asked sadly.

Lily grabbed his hand above the covers and squeezed it reassuringly, waiting for him to meet her gaze. "Because I know you. You are not the wolf, Remus. And you're a good friend."

Remus smiled up at her gratefully, his eyes only a little less haunted than before. "Lily," he sighed, "You're a good friend."

"And only a little bit of a tart," she laughed.

"Well, Sirius could tell you all the virtues of tarty girls."

"Brilliant. Now I'm the sort of woman Sirius would like? Are there any Marauders who aren't interested in getting into my knickers?"

Remus paused thoughtfully and then gave her a wicked grin. "Peter, maybe, but we're pretty sure he's a poof."