I Forgive You by Every Avenue

Chapter 13: Regression

"Ugghh," Matt groaned into the pillow. He felt awful. He pulled the sheet up over his head, not wanting to get up.

It wasn't just that he was exhausted—although he certainly was, considering he hadn't been able to go back to sleep after Mello had woke him up—it was the fact that Mello was out there somewhere.

But he would have to get up eventually. The only other option was to hide out in his room for the rest of eternity. Anything else would have to at least start with opening the door and stepping out of the only room in the apartment that he was sure did not contain Mello.

Or I could try to escape through the window. But I'm on the fourth floor… and there are bars on the window… Well, maybe if I grew a pair of wings and rammed the bed into the bars I could get away. That might work. And it would sure as hell be a lot easier than facing Mello.

He wished he would have done more than just force Mello from the room; if he had kicked him out of the apartment, things would be so much easier. But he hadn't thought about what the next morning would be like; after hearing what Mello had done, he had just wanted to get away from him. At the time, out of the room had seemed sufficient, but somewhere between kicking him out and now, Mello being a room away had became not nearly far enough, especially considering that he would have to go through said room to leave the apartment.

He didn't want to see Mello that morning, and he honestly didn't care if he ever saw him again. He didn't understand how Mello could do something like that to him and then expect to be forgiven. Alright, so it technically wasn't cheating, but he still betrayed me. And then blaming it on trying to distract himself because he missed me. Bull shit. If he actually did miss me, he would have been a little more concerned with fidelity.

He lay there, thinking about it, only becoming angrier. While I was worried about getting him back, he was with some girl. Instead of trying to find him, I should have just forgotten about him. Found someone to replace him like he replaced me. All those times I came home late. Most people would have probably thought I was cheating on him, but he never acted like he suspected anything. Probably thought I wasn't capable. I fucking should've. That would have showed him.

He sat up, suddenly motivated. He knew what he needed to do, what would make him feel better about it.

He wasn't giving Mello anymore second chances; he didn't deserve them. The easiest solution—and what he hoped would leave the greatest impact on Mello—would be to kick him out of the apartment. Considering how desperate Mello had sounded, begging to be forgiven from the other side of the bedroom door, Matt hoped that this would be nothing short of devastating to Mello.

He could imagine Mello groveling, pleading for forgiveness, and how much he would enjoy denying him that forgiveness. Or at least, he wanted to enjoy it, but for some reason, that mental image only made him feel sorry for Mello. He pushed that from his mind, deciding his imagination wasn't doing it justice, and pressed forward.

He walked across the room and flung the door open, letting it bang loudly against the wall. He took a deep breath and continued out into the living room, ready to face Mello. But Mello wasn't there.

Matt looked around the room, confused. He had fully expected to find Mello asleep on the pullout couch, but instead, there was no sign of him or that he had even slept on the couch. Damn. He couldn't have left, could he? Stupid Mello. Doesn't even allow me the satisfaction of kicking him out.

But then there was a sound from the kitchen that gave him hope. Sure, Mello leaving on his own would have been easier for Matt, but then he wouldn't have been able to watch him leave.

The thought gave him an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Watching Mello leave, is that really what he wanted?

Yes. I can't keep letting him do whatever he wants and act like it's okay. He hurt me… this is what he deserves…

Although he had already decided what he must do, a sliver of self-doubt lingered in the back of his mind. It insisted that he didn't want Mello to leave, but that was ridiculous. Why would Matt want Mello to stay after everything he had done to him? It just didn't make sense.

When Matt entered the kitchen, he found Mello making scrambled eggs. But what only confused him further was that he was actually relieved to see the blond. I just want to be able to see his face when I kick him out. I'm not actually happy that he's still here or anything…

He stepped forward, and one of the floor boards squeaked, alerting Mello of his presence. The blond turned around, a look of surprise on his face which quickly turned to apologetic. "Oh, you're, uh, up," Mello said, leaning against the counter, spatula still in his hand.

Matt had every intention to respond, to tell Mello that he needed to get his stuff and leave, but instead, he stood there, mouth half open, not knowing what to say.

He didn't want Mello to leave, not really; he just wanted Mello to have never done anything with that girl. I wish he wouldn't have told me. I would have never known then, and things would be fine… No, even if I didn't know, that wouldn't change the fact that it happened…

"Um…do you want something to eat?" Mello asked when Matt did nothing but stand in the doorway. Something about this simple question angered Matt. How dare Mello act as if nothing was wrong.

"Really? After what you dropped on my last night, you ask me if I want something to eat? No, Mello, I don't. What I really want, I can't have, so I'm going to have to settle with telling you to leave." Matt took a step back, surprising himself with his own words.

"What…? Are you kicking me out?" Mello asked, clearly shocked.

"Yeah, I guess I am." Matt could hear disappointment in his own voice, and he hated it. This was what he had to do. It didn't matter how much he wished that Mello hadn't done certain things; it wouldn't change the past.

"But… I don't have anywhere else to go…" Mello looked at Matt, his eyes pleading, but Matt could only think of one thing. Of course he's only concerned with himself.

"Not my problem." There was that feeling in his stomach again, but he didn't care.

"Matt, come on. You can't kick me out," Mello said with a small, uneasy laugh.

"Yeah, actually, I can. It's my apartment, remember?"

"But…I-"

"Don't you dare say 'I love you.' I can't take anymore of your lies." He kept his voice stern this time; he wasn't going to let Mello talk his way out of things this time.

"It's not a lie. I do love you. And I'm sorry. For leaving, for…what I did, everything."

"I don't believe you."

"What do you want me to say, Matt?" Mello started, his voice rising, "You talk about how you can't stand to hear anymore lies, but now you're mad at me for telling you the truth? I could have just not told you about that girl which, by the way, was not cheating no matter what you say because we were not together at the time. Would that have made you feel better? Sorry, you know, I just thought you had a right to know the truth."

Matt stood there, stunned by Mello's sudden outburst, for a few seconds longer than he would have liked to. This was not at all how he had imagined things would happen.

"Now you're mad at me because you did something stupid?"

"No, I'm mad at you because you're not listening to me. I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to be honest."

"Right. Honesty. Well here's some honesty for you: while you were fooling around with some whore, I had a fucking breakdown!" he yelled back, infuriated by Mello's words. "Not that you care."

Mello looked like he was about to say something but then stopped. His expression, still clearly defensive and rather angry, changed slightly as he stood there, letting his concern show through. "What do you mean?" Mello asked, his voice still containing some of its harsh tone.

"Never mind. It's not important." He didn't want to let Mello know how much the entire situation had gotten to him, especially not then, not when he was supposed to be kicking Mello out of the apartment.

"Yes it is, Matt. Tell me," Mello demanded.

"No. Fuck you. Get out of my apartment."

"Come on, Matt. What's your problem? Just calm down."

"What's my problem? Really? What's your fucking problem, Mello? Is the idea of staying with me really that awful?"

"What are you even talking about? You're the one who wants me to leave!" Mello said, pointing at Matt accusingly with the plastic spatula.

"Don't act like you don't know. You fucking left me! You left me! And then I come running after you like a good little bitch, and you act like it doesn't even fucking matter! Maybe it didn't matter. Maybe I shouldn't have come looking for you. But seeing you act like that killed me. I…" He paused, his mouth dry. "I almost started smoking again because of you," he said flatly, no longer screaming at a rather stunned looking Mello. "Wouldn't have that been ironic. You know, since you were the one who made me quit and all." He wasn't sure why he was smiling or when he had stopped yelling, but he honestly loved seeing the way his confession affected Mello. "Maybe I should have started again," he tried, his voice nonchalant as if they were talking about the weather rather than in the middle of an argument, "I could have gone back to the way I was before. It would be just like you were never in my life."

"Shut up," Mello said flatly.

"You wanted to know," Matt shrugged. He felt much calmer after getting that out and was glad that he had finally said it. "Your eggs smell like they're burning," he added, gesturing to the frying pan next to Mello on the stove.

"Shit," Mello muttered, turning to around and poking at the burnt scrambled eggs with the spatula halfheartedly. "Fine. I did want to know," Mello continued, giving up on the eggs and dumping them down the garbage disposer, "but I didn't want all this shit attached to it. Do you really think if you started smoking again that it would somehow make it like we'd never met?" He left the pan and spatula in the sink and turned back around to face Matt, an eyebrow raised, questioning his reasoning.

"Maybe." A lie. He didn't think that, but he didn't want to admit defeat.

"Then you're an idiot. I'm the reason you started smoking in the first place. You told me when you were trying to quit, remember?"

Matt instantly opened his mouth to retort, but quickly realized Mello was, in fact, right and closed it, his lips set in a hard line.

"You know I'm right, don't you?" Mello said with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Look, it doesn't matter. I-"

"Because you know I'm right."

"Would you just shut up a second?" Matt said, his voice rising again. He could feel the anger start to bubble up in his chest again. "I don't care if you're right or not. Even if I did want to start smoking again, I wouldn't need your permission. I'm a big boy, Mello; I can make my own decisions."

"It doesn't sound like you can. You're being ridiculous!"

"Oh, so you can decide to cheat on me, but I can't decide if I want to smoke or not? At least I wouldn't be hurting anyone but myself."

"Matt, it wasn't cheating! We weren't together, so-"

"Maybe we weren't together. Maybe it technically wasn't cheating. But it sure feels like it after everything I did to try to get you back!"

"I told you. I'm sorry!" Mello yelled.

"Right, because it sure sounds like you're sorry. Since it was so easy for you to find someone else, maybe I should have just forgotten about you and did the same. Amy's pretty cute; wonder if she'd like to go on a date with me. She might actually appreciate me unlike you."

"Who the fuck is Amy?" Mello demanded, his features contorted in outrage and shock.

Matt took a second to respond, partially because he knew it would irritate Mello and partially because he was trying not to let a smile slip through. "A girl I work with," Matt shrugged, loving how upset Mello was.

"You are not doing anything with this Amy chick," Mello said through gritted teeth.

"Again, not your decision. If you can fool around with someone else, so can I."

"Fine," Mello spit out, throwing his hands up in resign. "Do whatever the fuck you want. See if I care."

"Good. I think I will," Matt said, a smug smile on his lips as he walked away from Mello, but then he remembered why he had came in there to begin with and turned back around. "And I want you out by the end of the week," he added before continuing to his room.

"Gladly," he heard Mello yell to him.

Matt closed the door to his room behind him and pulled some clothes out of the duffle bag he still kept everything in. He had no idea what he was doing. All he knew was that he needed to get out of the apartment and away from Mello.

About a minute later he reemerged from his room, slamming the door behind him. He was about to throw the front door open when he paused. Where am I even going?

"I'm leaving," he yelled in the direction of the kitchen. A very small part of him, the part that had left the sliver of self-doubt in his mind, wished Mello would come tell him that he was being stupid and that they could work things out no matter what.

Instead, he heard Mello yell back sarcastically, "Have fun."

That was it. He couldn't take it anymore. He slammed the front door like he had done the bedroom door and stormed off down the hallway towards the stairs.

He walked to the bus stop, fuming over how Mello was acting. Who the hell does he think he is? I don't need his permission to do anything; I can do whatever I want. If I want to start smoking again I will. …Or I could just buy a pack of cigarettes and carry them around to make him think I started again. That should piss him off.

He couldn't help but smirk at this. It wouldn't nearly even start to pay Mello back for what he had done to hurt Matt, but it would be a start. And maybe I will ask Amy out! …But I don't really want to lead her on, and I don't actually want to date her.

Standing there at the bus stop, thinking about it, he couldn't imagine ever dating a girl again. He had sort of dated Linda, if that's what it could even be considered, but that hadn't felt right. At the time, he had assumed that it had just been that he and Linda weren't right together. Besides, it had only been about a month after Mello had left so he wasn't exactly in a very sociable or happy mood. But now he was starting to think that it was just that he had never been attracted to girls.

So then if I'm…gay. He stopped and looked around as if checking to see if someone had overheard his thoughts. What am I doing? It's not like anyone cares even if they could hear me. Aren't homosexual marriages legal in California? I could get married to any guy in the state, and no one would probably think anything of it.

It was weird for him, thinking of himself in that way. He'd been with Mello for over a year, but other than his initial concern about being attracted to a guy, he'd never really been concerned with labeling his sexuality. He wanted to be with Mello so he went with it, albeit reluctantly at first, but he didn't think much about it, and he certainly had never actually considered that he was not, and had possibly never been, attracted to the opposite sex.

But now that he had labeled it, he wondered about Mello. Mello had almost cheated on him with a girl. And now his and Mello's relationship was falling apart; maybe it had been a fluke. Maybe what Mello really wanted was a girlfriend, and no matter how hard Matt tried, he could not fulfill that role.

Not that it mattered if they were breaking up anyway. Are we…breaking up? Do I want to break up with him?

He wasn't entirely sure. He didn't think he could forgive Mello for what he had done, but if they broke up and left things the way they were…would he ever even see Mello again?

The bus came, interrupting his thoughts. He hesitated, thinking that he should maybe just go back to the apartment and try to fix things, but he got on anyway. If he went home, that would tell Mello that he was sorry, and he wasn't.

He sat down in the first seat he saw, running a hand through his hair. He didn't know what he wanted, he had no idea where he was going, and he didn't even have anything more than a few dollars on him. Maybe I'll just go to work. My shift doesn't start till later, but Amy should let me hang out in there until I'm supposed to start working.

He leaned back in the seat and watched as the city scenery passed by the window. How did things end up like this? I was supposed to be kicking him out. Why am I the one leaving?

A/N: Yay, I actually posted on time! Anyway, there actually is something I wanted to talk about here rather than just expressing how happy and a little shocked I am that I managed to update when I was supposed to.

I have no way of knowing if you guys actually listen to the songs I suggest at the beginning of each chapter, but if you don't normally, you really should listen to the song for this chapter. In addition to being a really good song (in my opinion), it really is one of the best fitting songs I have selected for the chapters of this fanfic, and I think the lyrics convey how Mattie is feeling in this chapter extremely well. So if you haven't already listened to it, you should go do that now…or at least right after you review :)

A special thanks to the following reviewers:
Midnightkisses10, ILuvYa44, TrickledFingers, and (again) an anonymous reviewer. Really, if you put in a name, any sort of name at all, I can thank you for your input properly.