Chapter 14

You hide inside, so not okay

What if you remember more today

The phone rings but there's too much to say

You tell them to go when you wish they would stay

Three days passed and Diane had barely spoken a word to Alex. Piper tried to stay out of it, but the tension in the apartment just kept getting worse.

"You need to talk to her Al."

Alex sat across from Piper at the kitchen table holding onto her coffee. She hated fighting with Diane, it made her feel empty. She knew it was her fault and she knew what she needed to do to get her life back on track. The first step was talking to Diane, but she was struggling with what to say to her mum.

"I know, I'll talk to her tonight…..Fuck, I need to get out Pipes."

"What are you talking about?"

"Fahri, the cartel, I need to get the fuck out, fuck! I don't even know if that's possible. And what the fuck would I do anyway? I never went to college, I've never had a real fucking job!

Alex stood up and started pacing around the kitchen as she thought out loud. She kept rubbing her palms up and down her jeans, but she couldn't get rid of the constant shaking. "I don't wanna end up like my dad, but part of me still wants to stay, it's a lot of money to leave behind. It's the only reason I've been able to help Diane. But fuck, I want her to be proud of me, and I want you. I don't want you to go from feeling unsafe with Jack to feeling unsafe with me."

"I don't feel unsafe with you Alex."

"Well maybe you should. How can I build a real life with you when I have this job? Besides the fact that my own mother can't bring herself to talk to me, I'm so fucked! I want to be a better person, but I don't know how."

Alex kept pacing the kitchen, she felt so conflicted. Just a few months ago she was loving her life and her job. She was moving up the ladder, being given more responsibility and travelling more, and getting more money. It's what she'd been working towards for the last three years, it gave her the type of stability she'd never had. But things changed so quickly after she met Piper, that woman changed something inside her. Especially after how things ended with Jack. It made her become more wary about her safety, and the safety of those around her. But above all else, it made her think about the future in such a different way. She needed to slow her mind down, she needed to think about this carefully. No matter how close her and Fahri may be, people didn't just leave the cartel voluntarily. She'd need to be careful and plan it out, maybe she could cut a deal with them. Maybe if she secured a massive deal with a new overseas buyer, Kubra would let her go.

Alex turned back towards Piper, who looked worried. Alex was so tired of seeing Piper looking permanently worried. But it could be worth it if she could get out of the cartel and they could have a proper life together.

"Please don't worry Pipes, it's something I'll be planning carefully, I'm not about to rush off and do something stupid. I promise."

Piper nodded at her girlfriend but it was impossible to not worry about something like that. They were also still waiting to hear more from the police on how Jack was doing, they had no idea if he was even dead or alive.

"I'm really tired Pipes, will you come lie down with me?"

Just the way Piper smiled at her made Alex feel so much better, "Of course."

The two women walked to their bedroom hand in hand. It wasn't just Alex's bedroom anymore, it was their bedroom. They slipped under the covers and Piper wrapped her arms around Alex from behind, pulling their bodies close together. Those were the moments that felt the most perfect, the moments where they didn't need any words and those simple touches conveyed everything.

"I love you Alex."

"I love you too."

0-0-0-0-0-0

It was almost dinner time when Diane got back to the apartment. Alex wasted no time in grabbing her hand and leading her into the office.

Alex sat Diane down on the edge of the bed and sat next to her. She looked straight ahead, almost afraid to look the other woman in the eye. "I feel like I miss you, and you're not even gone, we're in the same apartment. I trying mum, I might not be doing a great job of it but I am trying."

Diane finally looked at her daughter properly and saw the hurt in her eyes. "I know you're trying sweetie. But when it comes to you, I don't have a whole lot of patience. Because I know you're better than this."

Alex looked at the floor and shook her head, "No, I'm not. I'm a fuck up mum. And you know what? I love taking heroin. I love taking it, and I love working with it." Alex saw the tears form in Diane's eyes as soon as she said that, but she needed to keep going.

"It makes me feel calm, makes me feel happy. I take it, and I don't feel like such a fuck up anymore. It helps me forget mum, there are so many things I wish I could forget. But I promise you it never got really out of control, not like it did with dad."

Alex let her mind wander back to her father. He was never around much and basically left Diane as soon as he knew she was pregnant. But occasionally he'd stop by and visit when he was in town for a gig. But as Alex got older his drug use kept getting worse, and eventually Diane wouldn't let him see Alex anymore. The thing that hurt Alex the most was that he didn't even seem to mind, it seemed like he would rather be high than spend time with her anyway. He was dead by the time she was 8, but by that point she hadn't seen him in almost 12 months. She was never sure how to feel about his death, it was something she tried to push out of her mind. She always tried to live in the moment as much as possible, but that was getting hard to do ever since she met Piper.

"You looked pretty out of control to me the other night Alex."

"I know….I've been really struggling with what's happened. I can't shake these feelings, and the pain. Fuck, I practically begged Piper for it as well, she said no."

Diane reached out and took Alex's hand, "I'm fucking glad she said no. Alex, what happened to Piper is not your fault, and what happened to me is not your fault."

Now it was Alex's turn to feel the tears in her eyes as she kept focussing on the floor.

"I made some bad choices baby, really bad choices. I struggled too, but you and me, we always make it through to the other side. I am so sorry for the things you saw growing up, it's something I need to live with for the rest of my life. But what happened then, and what happened with Piper is not a reason for you to throw it all away."

Diane knelt down in front of Alex, who was sitting on the edge of the single bed, before she kept talking. "That girl needs you now, and both of you need to try and keep it together, without drugs."

"How am I supposed to do that mum? You know what I do for a living, so how the fuck do I do that?"

Diane rubbed Alex's cold hands, trying to comfort her, but she had no idea what to say.

"I wanna get out of this mum, I don't want this life anymore, it's not fair on the rest of you. I used to think I loved it, and I loved being able to help you out. After everything you went through to raise me, all I wanted was to make your life easier. I'm gonna try really hard to fix this, and I'm gonna try to stop using."

The two women stood up and hugged each other. Neither of them knew what would happen, but at least it was a starting point. Diane hugged Alex tighter, being careful not to hurt her, and spoke into her ear.

"I just need you to try, and you need to come to me if you're struggling, let me help you."

"I promise I will."

0-0-0-0-0-0

Life finally started to calm down a bit for Alex, Piper and Diane. The next few weeks went by, and Diane eventually moved back into her own apartment as Alex recovered from the worst of her injuries. Alex and Piper had their bad days, but they just kept trying.

Alex knew she couldn't put off seeing Fahri for much longer, he was expecting her to be working again full time very soon. Her head was still swimming about what to do, how to get away from it all. She was especially worried about leaving Piper alone for long stretches of time again. The reality was, as soon as she went back to work she'd be sent overseas again. She could not bring herself to leave Piper when everything was still so intense. The last time the police contacted them, they were told that Jack's condition had stabilised, but it was unlikely he'd ever be sent back to prison. They still weren't clear on exactly what his condition was, but Alex assumed it was pretty bad if he'd never be well enough to go to prison.

Alex had managed to stay away from heroin, but as soon as Diane moved back to her own apartment, Piper started using again. Not much, just enough to help her sleep most of the time, and she avoided using needles. If anything, seeing Piper use again in those moments made Alex more determined to stay clean. She wanted to be the strong one and have the clarity of mind to take care of Piper if anything happened.

But one good thing that had happened was Piper agreeing to see the hospital psychiatrist. Alex could see how petrified her girlfriend was about the upcoming therapy session, but she knew it was a step in the right direction. She needed someone else to talk to about it all, someone aside from Alex and Nicky. Nicky had been visiting them a lot more since Diane moved back to her own place, and Alex was extremely grateful for that. Piper needed other company, she was still so reluctant to leave the apartment. Piper had focussed all her energy on helping Alex get better, but now that she was better, the blonde didn't know what to do with all the spare time.

One night as they were about to get into bed, Alex saw Piper reaching for the familiar white powder.

"Please Pipes, not tonight." Alex reached across and rubbed Piper's arm, she wanted the blonde to know she was there and would help her through the night.

She saw Piper hesitate, but gave her the time she needed to respond, "I can't stop thinking about the therapy session. Al, I'm really fucking scared. I don't know how to say those things out loud, how do I do that?"

Alex slid further across the bed and wrapped an arm around Piper's shoulders, getting the blonde to rest her head on Alex's shoulder. "You do it at your pace okay, take it slow. If you can sit through Nicky debating the importance of indoor plants to stimulate creativity for an hour, you can do anything."

Piper let herself laugh, Alex always found a way to make her laugh, "You're an idiot."

"An idiot that's in love."

Piper shoved her girlfriend playfully, it had been so long since they joked around like this, "Now you're an idiot and you're cheesy."

Piper let Alex pull her in close again and pepper her face with kisses, "Well that's the perfect combination."

They kept joking around with each other until eventually, Piper managed to fall asleep with her head resting on Alex's chest.

0-0-0-0-0-0

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Nicky had finally managed to get Piper to leave the apartment. They decided to do some shopping and have a late lunch. Piper really didn't feel like going out, and mainly did it to make Alex feel better. She knew that Alex was going to meet Fahri that afternoon, and would probably be gone for a while. Alex practically begged her to go out with Nicky, saying it would make her feel better. Piper didn't believe it would make her feel better, but figured it was better than sitting alone in the apartment, waiting for Alex to get home.

Piper and Nicky finally sat down for lunch, and the blonde felt exhausted. This was the most she'd actually done in weeks, but she did reluctantly admit to herself that it felt good to get out of the apartment. But something had been bothering her for the last week, and no matter how much she tried to occupy her mind, she couldn't shake this particular feeling. She'd spent all day working up the courage to talk to Nicky about it, she needed to confide in her best friend. This was not something she was ready to tell Alex. Piper looked at Nicky, who was in the middle of devouring her burger, when she finally worked up the courage to say something.

"I'm late."

Nicky was only half listening, and looked back at Piper like she was crazy.

"Late for what? What the hell are you talking about?"

Piper leaned across the table, "My fucking period Nicky! It's late, and I'm never this late."

Nicky put down her burger, trying to process what Piper just said, "How late?"

"Two weeks."

"Fuck! Have you done a test or anything?"

"No, and I haven't said anything to Alex so you need to keep this to yourself!"

"Okay, fine. Do you wanna go pick up a test now?"

Piper slowly nodded, focussing her attention on the sandwich in front of her. She didn't want to say anything to Alex if she didn't need to. If she wasn't pregnant, there was no issue and nothing to say. Right now she couldn't even fathom what to do if she was, she couldn't process that yet.

She waited until Nicky finished her burger before going to the pharmacy, buying two home pregnancy tests. She was relieved to find Alex was still out when her and Nicky walked back into the apartment, she had no idea when Alex would be home.

Nicky waited nervously on the couch while Piper went to take the first pregnancy test. She couldn't stop cracking her knuckles, eventually lying back on the couch and running her fingers through her thick hair. She kept hoping that everything would work out, that Piper wouldn't be pregnant, but she knew it was a real possibility. A possibility that raised more questions than Nicky could keep track of. Her nerves were getting the better of her, and she rushed to her feet to get a beer from the fridge. She needed to be the one to hold it together, no matter what the outcome.

0-0-0-0-0-0

"I need to pull back a bit, things aren't the same anymore." Alex needed to force herself to look Fahri in the eye as she spoke, she couldn't afford to show any weakness. She decided to start slow, convince him she needed to spend more time with Piper, then take it from there.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She kept reminding herself, never break eye contact, "Piper needs me, I can't afford to jump on a plane next week and leave her alone for a month."

Alex watched as Fahri took another drag on his cigarette, his brow furrowed, "That's not an option. I got you time, more time than most would ever get. You're better now, and it's time to go back to work."

Again, she kept reminding herself, keep standing your ground, "You know what happened Fahri! You fucking know, and you know me. I won't leave her alone for that long."

"I can't always protect you from them Alex, I'm sorry. I can't get you anymore time."

"Then she comes with me, that's it, that's the deal. I won't leave her behind."

"If she goes with you then she's your responsibility, make sure she doesn't make any trouble."

Alex nodded, it isn't the outcome she wanted, but she'd use it as a first step. She could see that Fahri looked worried, he wasn't a bad guy, and she knew he was right. There was only so much he could do to protect her.

0-0-0-0-0-0

Alex had left Fahri's apartment over an hour earlier, but she wanted some time to herself. She just walked around the city, in no particular direction. She wasn't even thinking about anything, her mind was blank. All she wanted to do was sleep with Piper next to her, she would worry about the rest of her problems tomorrow.

Alex started walking back towards her car when her phone rang, it was Nicky.

"What can I do for you Nicky?"

"You need to come home now."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Look, just come home now. I'll explain when you get here."

Alex started to panic, "Is Piper okay?"

She could hear Nicky sigh into the phone, "She's okay, but she needs you to get your ass home, right fucking now."

Alex hung up and rushed towards her car, she could feel her heart pounding through her whole body. She let herself forget about work for a moment and focus on getting home as fast as she could. She'd do anything to help Piper get through this, she was the first person she'd ever fallen in love with. Aside from Diane, Piper was the only other person that mattered that much to her, she was all that mattered.