CHAPTER FOURTEEN
One Step Closer.
"Where the fuck is she?" I drove Sarah's brother back to the hotel and after speaking to the desk clerk we knew she hadn't yet checked out. "She never deals withthis stuff well, but she is always organized, no matter what the crisis is. She wouldn't have flown back without remembering to check out would she?" What fucking crisis?
"You know her better than me. Where would she go if she needed a time out?" Stewie thought for a few seconds before a moment of clarity washed over him.
"Her garden! Yeah. She always sits in her garden when she needs some peace and quiet." Stewie looked pleased with himself, but then started sulking. "Her fucking garden is in London. How the fuck can she be there?" He argued with himself and I had to wonder if he was crazy or it was just a British thing.
We went up to her room and checked again, but there was no answer. "There's no light from under the door." I pointed out and Stewie looked worried, but tried to cover it up. What the fuck is going on?
"Fuck it. If I'm going to chase her all night, I need caffeine. You want to get a coffee?" I said I did and we went to the cafe and I ordered a standard coffee and Stewie got an espresso. Probably the last thing this guy needed was a caffeine high.
"You mind telling me what's going on? Is Christopher her boyfriend?"
"Sarah with a boyfriend? No! She fucking hates men! Christopher is a boy she spends time with in the hospital. He's got cancer or something and she said the phone call she got was to say he didn't have much time left."
I felt like a world class prick. I was trying to get her in my car, or against the wall, or where ever was closest and she had just been told a child was dying and knowing how much she cares about kids, it must be killing her to be this far away from him.
"Will she be OK?"
"God no. She'll act as tough as nails though. She pretends that she's unaffected and she hides behind walls and every time someone dies, or something happens that would fuck up most, she becomes that little bit more harder to reach. God, she loves that little boy. She's going to be a fucking nightmare to live with after this." I asked how he meant and I restrained myself from asking why she hated men.
"I don't really know much about her life before I came to live with them but Alex, that's the drummer, said Sarah was always a bit off with people and not very social and that she does love those close to her but she will never ever tell you that. Don't get me wrong, she always was a kind and caring person, but never loving or easy to reach but after Steve died, fuck she was impossible to talk to or get near. She became so hateful and cold that we thought she was lost forever."
I figured she had intimacy issues when she didn't even let her brother hug her, but to hear she was hateful was something I would never have associated with her. I asked about Sarah's dad and how she coped with his death. I knew Stevie Delgado died of AIDS and I can't imagine a daughter witness her father suffering every day for years.
"Sarah and her dad were always close and became inseparable towards the end. She sat with him everyday and took care of him, you know, like changed him and fed him. They laughed and joked, even though Steve was in so much pain but he never let her see how much it hurt. When he died, she died too. She didn't leave his bedroom for about three days and didn't eat or talk, she just sat by his bed like he was still there. Sarah was never the same, she had us, but it was like her whole universe disappeared. She distanced herself from everyone around her and threw herself into University and work. At first, Alex and me thought she was just trying to get back to normal, she had always been a workaholic book worm, but it was more than that. She became a shadow of herself and she's still like that two years later. Proper fucking hardhearted bitch, she is. Well, only to the people who don't know her and she won't let any one get close, she will distance herself from any one who tries."
Hearing what she had been through made me want to hold her and never let go. I wanted to make her feel better, but if her own brother and this Alex guy didn't know how, then what the fucking Hell chance do I have?
"Not to be a pig about this, but Sarah and I were pretty close..." I left the end of the sentence open, hoping I wouldn't have tell the guy I wanted to have sex with his sister, but he got the picture.
"You mean you wanted to fuck her? Yeah, well she doesn't like men, so I was a bit surprised by how she was acting with you." Doesn't like men? That's twice he's said that. Is he trying to tell me she's gay or something?
"We were getting close, just leave it at that. How should I act around her now?"
"It depends. If you see her and act like everything is normal, then she will never face this. If you see her and try it on, she'd probably let you into her bed because she wants to forget what's happening back home, but she will hate herself and you for it." OK, so how do I act with her?
We had finished our coffee and decided to split up to look for Sarah. We exchanged phone numbers in case one of us found her.
I got out the elevator and stood outside her door. The light was on and I heard her voice on the other side of the door. Thank God she's OK. I didn't realize how relieved I would be to find she hadn't already left. At least I can say goodbye properly and maybe arrange to see her again.
I text Stewie, letting him know that Sarah was in her room. I knocked on her door and hoped she didn't tell me to fuck off. The door opened a crack and I pushed it open. Where is she? My cell sounded and it was Stewie:
'Good. Try your best to get her to talk about this. I'll leave you two alone for a while. I'm going to my room but I'll come see her in an hour or so.' I heard Sarah's voice coming from the bedroom area and went over.
I leaned against the door frame to the bedroom and listened to her on her cell.
Sarah finished her call and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw me. She asked why I was here and I told her we had been looking for her. I looked at how she was dressed and figured she had worked off her despair on the treadmill.
"I've been to the gym." She barged past me asking about Stewie and I said he would be over in a little while. She started thundering around the sitting area and looked completely lost. She's not going to make this easy. Going to need coffee for this!
I looked in the cupboards of the small kitchen space and found some filters and put some water on to heat.
Sarah made a snappy sarcastic comment and I really knew talking to her wasn't going to be easy.
"Just making coffee, do you want one?"
"No thank you, I don't like filtered coffee. Too bitter. But you help yourself while I shower." She stormed off to the bathroom and I couldn't help thinking of doing as she suggested and helping myself to her in the shower. Damn it, stop thinking with your dick, she's hurting.
I sat with my coffee and thought about how I was going to make it through what ever time I have with Sarah and not want to take her to bed. Just control yourself. Don't think about her as anything but a woman who is upset right now. That went right out of the window when Sarah opened the bathroom door and stepped out in her towel. Fuck me. I felt a stirring and I knew if I stood up, Sarah would see whet she did to me and probably throw me out. I asked if she forgot her clothes.
"I just have other things to think about and I wasn't expecting company."
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, but had no intention of going even if she wanted me to.
"No. It's OK. You drink your coffee and I'll go get dressed." She walked past and I turned to look, I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but look at her long, slightly tanned legs. I looked at her ass and realized how long her hair was. I had never seen her hair down and it was almost down to her waist. I wonder where her tattoo is?
While Sarah was getting dressed, I had to calm the thoughts in my head. I really wanted to walk in the bedroom and make her feel better for an hour. Or two. I wanted to feel her under me, but I also wanted to know her. How she thinks, how she feels. Everything.
Sarah came and sat back down on a couch opposite me and I could see her eyes darting around, looking for something to do. Her face was pale and she looked tired. "Are you OK, sweetheart?" Sarah shot a look at me and asked how many pet names I have for her.
On instinct, I went over to sit next to her, she moved up slightly to let me fit in. I asked why she didn't like being called sweetheart, and she scowled at me.
"Because I'm not a budgie. I already have a name, so I don't really need to be addressed any other way." She's a tough one! Truth was, I didn't want to call her Sarah because I didn't want her thinking that I had Sara in my thoughts. To be even more truthful, she's the only Sarah that I've... no...she's the only woman I have thought about. Just get her to talk...
I stretched my arm over the back of the couch, ready to be there if she needed comforting and I asked about the little boy.
"Christopher is a great kid. He's eight and he loves drawing and reading, we sit for hours sometimes doing those stupid little stories where he would write a line, fold the paper over and then I would write a line. The stuff we used to end up with! When he was five he was diagnosed with leukemia and it would be a battle trying to find a bone marrow donor then he'd go into remission, only for it to come back. Time and time again.
The surgeries and procedures he's had to endure... I tell you, he is the bravest person I have ever met. But this time there is no bone marrow, there is no treatment. He's going to lose this time and he doesn't have long. I can't get a flight from here til six thirty, I just hope he can hold on."
Poor little kid. As a father, I couldn't imagine seeing one of my kids go through anything like that. Sarah seemed very robotic as she told me about the boy, almost cold. But I did notice she didn't say he was going to die, like she couldn't bring herself to say the word.
"You want to talk about it?" I hoped she would show me she trusted me enough to open up just a little, but all she said was that she was tired and didn't want to talk. She does look tired.
I tried to pull her into me and suggest she go to sleep for a while, and she looked horrified that I would suggest such a thing. I did want to feel her against me, but I also wanted her to relax and to start to trust me a little.
Sarah was pacing up and down like a caged tiger, saying she doesn't cuddle and she sleeps alone.
I got up and was going to try to calm her down, when she stopped and looked at me, puzzled.
"You're not as big as you should be." Sarah looked down and back up again and I couldn't hold the fits of laughter back. Of all the fucking things to say to a guy! I knew she was talking about my height and nothing else and was so tempted to go with the overtones of what she said, but this wasn't the time.
"I'm only billed as six feet ten and a half! I'm actually six eight." I saw Sarah blush and I knew what she was thinking! "You thinking something about two and a half inches, sweetheart?" She didn't deny it, but she did turn the questioning to me.
"Why are you here?"
"I just want to get to know you a bit better, is all." I sat down and invited her to sit with me, hoping she would show some kind of willingness to allow me to see who she is underneath the walls and the bravado.
To my surprise, she did sit next to me, but right on the edge, not leaning back or relaxing one bit.
"What's to tell? We already talked about my interests and work the last time we met." The last time we met..I wished I kissed her. I wished I asked her to stay.
"Yeah, but I want more." I really did want more from her. I wanted it all from her. Sarah looked into my eyes and I was so sure she leaned it, just a little bit. Don't kiss her...Stop thinking about her lips on yours. I had to come up with something to stop myself from doing what I knew she didn't need right now.
We talked about birthdays and she brought up the fact there was almost twenty years between us, and if I ever dare admit to myself that I was starting to feel things for her, then the age difference may be a problem.
"Does that bother you? Is my being older a problem?" I don't even know why I asked.
"Why do you ask?" Oh, fuck it. Just see how she reacts.
I said I asked in case I ever asked her to dinner. I didn't technically ask her on a date, but I can't deny that's what I would do the next time I see her.
Sarah, once again, completely deflected what I had said and talked about food. No mention of a date and no mention of me or my age, but she did seem to be relaxing a bit more.
This was not going to put her at ease in the slightest, but I had to know. I asked why she didn't cuddle. I knew it was because she had intimacy issues and I was dying to know how she would react. But I had an inkling that she perhaps just didn't know what it was like to be with a man. Sarah looked like she had been backed into a corner and really struggled to say something. "Come on, sweetheart. It can't be that hard to answer. Is it because you don't like men?" Again, Sarah looked shocked with my line of questioning and still didn't say anything that made any sense, but she tried to completely change subject and I couldn't fathom why she was so unwilling to talk.
We didn't speak for a few minutes and I was now convinced she hadn't had a man in her bed. But she doesn't like men. Is she into women? As much as I liked the pictures in my head of Sarah and another woman, I had to be sure, so I could put an end to felling what ever it is that I'm feeling for her. Just ask...
"Do you know what it's like to cuddle in bed?" I thought that was more tactful than asking if she was a virgin, and I wouldn't sound like such a pig.
Sarah didn't answer, but this time I don't think it was because she was deflecting. She was sat forward, wringing her hands that were resting on her knees and she looked lost in thought. "Sarah..." I squeezed her shoulder and she looked at me. Where was you just then?
"Sorry, did you say something?" Sarah looked like she was back on planet Earth now.
"I asked if you knew what it's like to cuddle in bed." It was difficult enough to ask the first time, but now I had her undivided attention, it seemed harder this time.
Her eyes widened and told me not to ask. She went to stand, and I knew I would have to do something drastic to stop her running away from this and from me. I held her arm and sat her back down. She got the same look on her face that Sara used to get when she wanted to punch me. She is a virgin.
"Look at me, sweetheart." She turned her head away from me in defiance so I took hold of her chin and turned her to face me. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable with this, but Stewie said you don't like men and you're getting me curious now. Are you..." I was stuck. I couldn't say virgin and I couldn't say lesbian. How should I put this? "...Are you gay?" I thought she was going to take offense or start hollering at me, but she didn't. She actually looked amused, then she burst into a fit of laughter. A full on throw your head back fit of laughter. What's so funny?
We argued and teased each other about our national sports and I liked to see her relax and have fun. And I really liked the way her mouth curled up at the corner when she goaded me into arguing back. I want to feel those lips on me.. I knew tonight wasn't the time and I did plan on asking her if I could see her again, but I still had to know if the next time would be as friends or something more.
"I know it was funny to you, but you didn't answer." Sarah asked what I was talking about, but I could see she knew. I asked if she was gay and she pursed her lips to stop herself from laughing.
"No Mark, I'm not a lesbian." Sarah smiled and she still looked amused.
I fell back into the couch and felt relieved that I could take things further with her when the time was right. I asked if she didn't like men because she has had her heartbroken, and she replied that she has never been in love and that it was more because she doesn't trust very easily.
"What makes it hard to trust?" I bet she's been cheated on, just like me.
"I have had boyfriends, never anything serious but when it gets to that stage, that's when I find out they only saw me as Stevie Delgado's daughter and I was some sort of trophy. I just get fed up of drunken losers leering at me because they know who my dad was, so I just don't bother any more. If a man tells me he loves me, I feel sick. No one takes those words seriously anymore and it's said because they are after sex and think it's the way to get a woman into bed." Bastards. How can any guy not want to be with her, regardless of who her dad was? I asked if she thought all man were like that, but she just fobbed me off with how she's too busy to think about dating. Would she be too busy for me?
I was about to ask if I could see her again and then ask if I could take her to dinner, and not to just share a meal, when there was a knock on her door and I heard Stewie calling out.
Sarah looked relieved to get out of the discussion and went to answer the door. Stewie barged in and looked at me, asking if he was disturbing anything, and looked slightly disappointed that he wasn't.
"No, you're not disturbing anything because I can't find my handcuffs, but the hooker is bringing some."
I almost choked on my coffee and Stewie looked as shocked as I was at Sarah's remark. He pulled Sarah's arm and dragged her to the bedroom to talk.
They were in there about ten minutes when I heard Sarah shout that she was pissed at him and she came to open the door to, I assume, kick him out.
I wondered whether or not to intervene as they argued about Sarah's unwillingness to talk or to seek comfort and I could see her ready to blow. I decided to keep out of it as Sarah's fists were clenched by her side, ready to knock the little guy on his ass. But then Stewie said something and she calmed. The color drained from her face and she hugged him. From what I saw earlier, she didn't even hug her own brother, so this was a bit surprising.
They joked a bit and then said their goodbyes. Sarah closed the door behind Stewie and rested her head against it. I saw her shoulders slump and it looked like she was either relieved that he had gone, or she was upset.
I stood behind her and she jumped slightly as I put my hand on her waist. As she turned around to face me, her beautiful deep blue eyes sparkled with tears I could see she was fighting back. I couldn't get over how beautiful she looked and I had to stop myself from kissing her, because I knew she was upset and if I were to kiss her, she would either slap me or do as her brother said and hate me for it later. I asked if she wanted to talk and she stepped in towards me, I thought she was going to hug me, but her expression changed dramatically and she said she didn't want to talk.
Her hands made their way up to my chest, exploring, just like she did the first time we met. God, please give me the strength to say no to this.. Sarah stood on her tiptoes and she was so close to me, I only had to lower my head a little to kiss her, but I couldn't take advantage of her emotional state like this. If she kisses me... I was already aroused, but if I felt her lips against mine it would take all the strength I have not to tear her clothes off.
"Sweetheart..." Before I could tell her we shouldn't do this, she kissed me so softly and so cursorily, giving me a taste of what was to come, that I had to taste her deeper. Don't fucking do this to me... I pushed her against the door, trying to warn her she was playing with fire, a fire she had started, but she didn't flinch. In fact, she seemed to like it. I told her we shouldn't do this, but she just let it wash over her. I felt her skin and realized I had my hand under her sweater, stroking the soft skin of her waist.
Sarah looked at me so seductively and pointed out, rightly so, that I didn't have much conviction in my plea that we stop. Her nails lightly scratched at my chest and it turned me on so much. I could picture her scratching down my back as I lay on top of her and made her scream and I got so hard wanting that thought to become reality. I held my hand behind her neck, knowing all I had to do was pull her into to me just a few inches and I could kiss her so deeply, that I would lose myself to her. What is she doing to me?
I suddenly felt her hands on my bare chest and realized she had unbuttoned my shirt almost all the way.
"You need to stop this..." She quickly kissed me again and licked her lips. I want to feel that tongue all over me..I couldn't control the urge to taste her and kissed her neck, a soft moan escaped her lips and I fucking loved the sound of it. I grabbed her ass and her leg almost wrapped it's self around my waist. I couldn't stop what was happening, she felt so fucking amazing against me, my cock pressed right where I needed to be and I really didn't care that I was taking this too far.
Sarah's hands descended from my chest to my stomach, she began to work my belt and I had to stop this before she touched me because there would be no coming back from it if she did. But I want her to.. I want to fuck her all night...I've got to stop this... I forced myself to step away and it was torture to do so.
Sarah looked astounded that I had stopped this and she looked a bit pissed off when I told her we shouldn't take things further.
"I thought you wanted this. Isn't this why you're here?" Oh fuck. Now she thinks I'm not attracted to her. I went to sit on the couch, which was an uncomfortable task given my present physical state, and tried to explain that I did want to be with her but I couldn't let her do this to herself.
"Come here, sweetheart." I offered my hand to her, to get her to sit down and just stop being so uneasy. To my surprise, she gave in and took my hand, I meant to pull her down to the seat next to me, but she ended up on my lap and it really didn't help the blood flow get back to my brain!
I tried to explain the best I could why she shouldn't look for solace in me and that I was trying to be a gentleman and not take advantage of her fragile state.
"You're a gentleman?" Sarah's mouth opened in shock and then she started to giggle.
"Hell yeah, I'm a gentleman! I gave you the best seat in the house, didn't I?" I bounced her on my legs and she giggled more.
"This isn't the most comfortable of seating, so you will have to come up with something else to prove your reputation as an honorable gentleman!" I could show you how I'm not a gentleman..
"I'm a bit too tried to think of something right now, but I'll prove it one day! I'll get another coffee to help me think." I had to move, Sarah was slipping further back and was in danger of sitting her sexy ass right where she shouldn't.
I came back from the bathroom and made another coffee as Sarah stretched herself out on the couch.
"Mind if I squeeze on, sweetheart?" Sarah brought her legs up so she lay in the fetal position, her head resting on a cushion on the arm of the couch. I sat down and suggested she get some sleep but she refused.
"Do you want me to go and see if they have tea here?" I noticed there was a kettle and milk, but no sugar or teabags.
"A cuppa would be lovely." She started to get up but I sat her back down.
"I'll make it. How do you take it?"
"I like it quite strong with a little bit of milk and one sugar. Thank you Mark." I love the way she says my name. I picked up her key card and made my way down to the first floor.
I got a few tea bags from the hotel desk and I came back in Sarah's room to find her asleep on the couch. I'll leave her for a while. I found a blanket to cover her over in the wardrobe of her bedroom and I admit, I was tempted to snoop around!
Should I ask her on a date? Do I really feel that way about her?
I made a drink and sat on the coffee table and looked at her while she slept. She looked so peaceful, like she didn't have the world on her shoulders. I brushed a strand of her hair away from her face and kissed her cheek, she smiled slightly and snuggled further into the cushion. She's beautiful. Looking at her sleeping made me feel something stronger than what ever I had felt for her before. This was beyond wanting to take her to bed. This was wanting to fall asleep with her and this was wanting to wake up with her beside me. Everyday. I do feel this way. But can I trust her? After what Sara did, I didn't think I could trust any one ever again.
I sat for about half an hour trying to think of how to ask if she would be open to seeing how things go between us, but I couldn't come up with one single way to ask if I can trust her without it resulting in her giving me a black eye. She looked well groomed and very lady like, but I could tell that she knew how to fight! Write it!
I got a pad of note paper from the little table next to the couch and wrote a note for her to read, trying to get across that I definitely do want to see her again. I scribbled my cell number on it and placed it in an envelope. Where can I put it? I didn't want her to read it straight away because she had a lot to deal with when she got back home, so I decided the best place would be right at the bottom of her purse. She'll probably find that straight away!
It was getting on for five and I knew I had to wake her, even though I didn't want to, but she had to go and catch her flight soon.
"Sarah..." I rocked her arm and she didn't even stir. She must be exhausted... "Sarah, it's time to wake up." Still nothing. "Wake up sweetheart." She began to open her eyes and sat straight up, not knowing what was going on!
I told her I had made a cup of tea and she took it in both hands and looked longingly into the cup. I knew that feeling. I couldn't do a thing until I had my morning cup of coffee! "This is just the right temperature!" She took a sip and then scrunched her face up. "You put milk in first, didn't you?" So?
"Yeah. I am an American you know, we don't drink tea!" Lets see what she says to this... "I promise I will remember for next time though!"
"Next time?" Sarah looked unsure of what I was trying to say, but she didn't look displeased at the possibility of there being a next time. I wanted her to see that I wanted to see her again, and not just for sex.
"Yeah, next time." I took her hand and hoped she knew I was being serious about this. "I know I have been behaving like a bit of a jerk, but please trust me when I say that I want to see you again and I want to be friends." I figured friends is what she would want right now and not somebody trying to get her into bed. She didn't say anything and got up to start packing. Did she just brush me off?
Sarah got her things packed and stood by the door, double checking the suite. I took her suitcase and asked if she needed driving to the airport. She looked at my watch and said she had a cab coming in ten minutes. I only have ten minutes?
We took the elevator and we didn't speak until we got to the hotel lobby and waited for her cab. I didn't want her to go, I wanted to ask her to stay. To stay with me. The sun was coming up and the sky was a burnt orange color and it made me smile. "I got to spend the night with you after all!"
"Yeah, well don't be bragging to your friends, or I'll have to tell them you couldn't get it right!" What? I saw the little cheeky smile on her face and realized she was joking.
"And what exactly couldn't I get right?" I nudged her with my elbow and she winked at me.
"Tea. It wasn't strong enough!" She giggled and then saw her cab arrive.
For a brief moment, I thought Sarah was just going to get in the cab and tell the driver to go, but she wasn't getting away this time. Not until I knew I was going to see her again.
"I want to ask a favour of you, and I really want you to say 'yes' to it." Sarah looked puzzled but asked me what it was. "Promise you will call me and promise me I will see you again." She's smiling. Good start!
"That's two favors! But seen as though I'm a generous person, I'll think about it!" She followed with a wink and it made me feel confident that I would see her again.
She got in the cab and then said she didn't have my number. "Yes you do sweetheart, you just have to look for it! Have a safe flight and I hope you will be OK. I'll see you soon." I closed the cab door and tapped the roof, letting the driver know he could pull away. I had to, or else if I had to look at her any longer, I would have asked her to stay. I didn't get to sleep with her, or even kiss her, but something was gained from our night together and that was knowledge. I felt I knew her a little better, and the more I knew, the more I wanted to know.
I spent a little bit of time with Stewie on the Sunday after the show and he said Sarah would definitely call, but it's now Wednesday afternoon and I still hadn't heard anything from her. I wondered if she had found the note or if she was ignoring it. Time will tell.