Pendulum
Sorry it's taken me a while to post the muse disappeared for a while :(, hope you like the chapter and thank you for all the reviews. I'm looking forward to more, hopefully :D
Disclaimer: I don't own CM -sigh-
Reid lay staring at the ceiling, thinking. He wasn't secured to the bed. He could just get up and go, again. It would be so simple. But did he want to? Reid could feel the clock ticking inside him. They would check on him soon, and find out. He had to make up his mind, quickly.
The rest of the team were gathered in one hotel room. They had been in their own rooms originally, but had gradually filtered into Gideon's room. They sat, they stood, they sighed, and still they got no further. Gideon's phone ringing made them all jump. Gideon picked up the phone, and listened intently to what was being said. After a few minutes he hung up the phone, and sighed.
"What is it?" Morgan asked. Gideon, looking into a far corner, explained what Hotch had said.
Footsteps were approaching down the corridor. Reid listened for a second and stood, tensed, thinking very hard. He glanced at the unlocked window.
Morgan knocked on the door to Reid's room, and got no response.
"Reid?" he asked. There was still no reply from his young friend. His eyes widened in surprise at what he saw when he swung the door open.
Reid was nowhere to be seen, the restraints lying open on the bed.
Morgan was about to turn to run to get a nurse when a voice from behind startled him.
"Don't worry, I haven't wandered off. I was just in the bathroom."
Morgan spun and took in the sight of the young man. He looked terrible. His face was drained and pale. His hair was dull and listless. The bandages on his forearms all but blended in with the deathly pale skin. His bones showed on every bit of exposed skin.
"Hey, man. You scared me. You alright? You look… Listen, I didn't think…"
"I know what you thought, Morgan. It's alright, and what you're thinking now is alright too." Morgan hadn't realised how shocked he had looked and quickly turned away.
"What are you doing up? You should be in bed. The doctors told me you would be..." Morgan didn't finish but looked at the cuffs on the bed instead.
"They were left unlocked."
He didn't run and he didn't try and hurt himself. Morgan nearly smiled at the thought, however pitiful it may have been – considering that having to even think such things was so terrible.
"Come and sit down." Morgan had sat down on one of the chairs to the side of the bed and motioned Reid to the other.
"Did Hotch ask you to come and see me?"
"No, I was coming anyway but he did ask me to talk to you about a few things."
"Like what?"
"We'll get to 'em. For now I just want to know how you are." Reid wasn't looking in his eyes but had his head down and was looking through his hair up at the older, more experienced agent.
"Oh, I'm just peachy." He mumbled.
"Reid, man, you've got to talk to us. We want to help you. Don't keep on holding it in. All it'll do is hurt you." Reid's head snapped up.
"Well, what do you want me to say Morgan! You know how I am!" Morgan was a little taken aback by the sudden burst of emotion but didn't let it show.
"I want to hear it from you, kid." Morgan's voice increased in volume, his tone firm.
"You know about it!" Reid stood and took a step forward, Morgan followed him up but didn't move.
"No, I don't! Why don't you tell it to me genius?" Morgan hated doing it, seeing the hurt look on the boy's face at the words quickly turn to anger but he had to goad the feelings out of him. Hotch had already spoken to him and they had both agreed that Reid would not let anything out unless provoked.
"Fuck off, Morgan!"
"Come on then, boy wonder!" Morgan slammed his fist into the table beside them. They were both shouting now, and the rage had brought a hot flush to even Reid's pasty complexion. "What is it? Henkel? Come on pretty boy!"
"No!"
"Come on!"
"No!"
"Spill it!"
"Yes!"
"Yes what?" Morgan lowered his tone immediately. Reid looked shocked at what he'd spat out but it was too late to take it back now.
"Yes, it was Henkel" Reid turned away, a hand on his forehead. Slowly Morgan sat down, the silence sudden and too complete. Reid stood, breathing hard, looking down at him. After a long moment of silence he sat and put his head in his hands, groaning pitifully. Morgan closed his eyes for a second, and then bravely forged onward.
"Tell me about Henkel"
Reid took a deep quavering breath, before slowly ungluing his dry lips. "I killed him, and he didn't deserve it." Morgan stayed quiet. "It was his father, not him. His whole life he was beaten and abused and abandoned. Then his father does that to him, makes him do that to him, kill him and sends Tobias on a spiral like that. He couldn't take it and broke. And he was punished for breaking. He needed help, and I shot him and looked in his eyes as he died. And I was relieved. Relieved that I'd rid the world of a true victim." He laughed shortly, but it was more like a choked sob. He was breathing fast and hard, rubbing his hands down his sides to get rid of the sweat.
"What else is it?"
"Those poor people, the couple I should have saved, that Rafael killed. I should…I should h-have chosen them."
"Why?"
"Its logic, isn't it? Two lives are better than one." Reid looked up at him with shining eyes, almost pleading Morgan to contradict him.
"Reid, that wasn't your fault. Henkel killed them. You had no choice. You didn't do this, and as for Henkel being a victim, yes his dad did terrible things to him, but he did terrible things too, whether he was in a stable mind frame or not. He was going to kill you, Reid. You did the right thing." Reid looked like he was about to cry. He wanted to believe his friend…but he just couldn't.
"Morgan…"
"Tell me, Reid."
"My head's just so messed up. I can't think…I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm feeling…" Morgan looked at his young friend sadly, those deep eyes showing so much confusion, pain and need. It hurt Morgan to see it, and at that moment he would happily have given everything to be the one feeling it instead of his friend.
"Gideon." The word was barely whispered.
"Yes. I just, I just…I don't know." Reid broke into sobs, head down, shielded by his lank curtains of hair. It was just too much for Morgan. He shuffled over and wrapped his arms around his bony friend. Reid just seemed to disappear against the older man's thick frame as he pushed himself deeper into the hug, nuzzling his head into the folds of the dark T-shirt next to him.
"It's OK Reid; we're going to help you. I promise, you won't feel like this soon. You've just gotta trust us that we can help you." Reid nodded into the shirt of the older man. When the young man's sobs had become slightly less hysterical Morgan gently pushed him away and looked in his eyes. "Reid, I've gotta ask you a difficult question." The young man said nothing so Morgan kept talking. "Do you want to die?"
Reid looked away, panic fringing his eyes again. "It's OK you can tell me, you don't have to be ashamed." He ran his hand up the young man's arm reassuredly.
"I don't know, but when I thought I was going to, Morgan, I just felt so…relieved. Like I could finally breathe again. I don't know if I want to die, but I know this isn't how I want to live."
"I understand." They went back to hugging, Reid sobbing pitifully again as Morgan cast a glance at the eyes at the gap in the blinds. Outside, Hotch turned and sighed.
"What did Morgan find out?"
"Raven was right about the guilt."
"Did Morgan talk to him about his attempt?"
"Yes. Reid said he doesn't know if he wants to die. He said that he felt good when he thought he was going to die, and that he doesn't want to live like this. He's very confused at the minute."
"He needs our help." Gideon was sat looking out of the window, gazing at nothing in particular.
"Do you still feel guilty?" Gideon turned to look slowly at Hotch.
"Yes. I think I always will. I can't help it. Maybe when he gets better I'll feel better too." Hotch nodded knowingly.
"Raven is going to see him later; we'll see how that goes." Gideon nodded and returned to looking out the window, deep in thought.
I was going to carry this on but realized it would be way too long for one chapter so I'm leaving it here for now. Again, I'm sorry for the long wait, the muse ran off with the neighbour but I've got her back now :D (P.S. Reviews are love :D)