"Just because you've got a twin doesn't prove any of your crazy talk. You've been obsessing over Izaya way too much."
Simon was doing his promotional rounds and quite happy that it was so quiet around Ikebukuro when he spotted them.
"Goodnight, Orihara-san. Goodnight, Orihara-san. Goodnight, Heiwajima-san. Goodnight, Heijwa-"
Shizuo, still holding Shizzy under his arm, leapt in front of Simon.
"Why the hell do you keep repeating yourself? Russian…louse!"
This entire experience had been horrific to Shizuo, to the point of taxing his already frayed self-control considerably and of reducing his never too broad vocabulary.
"But there are two Orihara-sans and Heiwajima-sans. Must greet them all."
Simon had no idea how they had multiplied like this but he did wonder whether the world would survive this ever so unlikely event. Unfortunately he had taken to heart all the books that insisted that the Japanese were a very polite people and that one must at all costs be up to their standards of etiquette. It was very clear that the authors of said books had never met Heiwajima Shizuo or Orihara Izaya and were probably happier for that.
"Oh look! It's my dentist!"
Izzy recognized Simon right away.
"Could it be that in your world Simon is a dentist? Good for you, Simon!"
Shizuo spat on the ground. Simon was sure that this went against the rules of polite society.
"It's like an oversized fucking louse!"
In all fairness Shizuo had no reason for hating Simon but he currently hated everyone and anyone that crossed his path.
"Yeah, yeah, Shizu-chan we have all heard this by now. Several times. You really need to expand your insults and add some variety."
Shizuo humphed. His boss chimed in.
"Shizuo-kun, you really can't go off running around whenever you hear that Izaya is around. I know you have an Izaya-radar but this is becoming ridiculous. Do that again and you're fired."
Shizuo bowed his head.
"Yes, sir."
"Oh I know! Let's all go to a public bath!"
Izaya cheered his own idea. Shizuo growled something about how he was not going to go anywhere with clone louses. His boss interrupted the angry rant.
"You better go and calm down. Just go, chill at the bath and get over this obsession."
Shizuo forgot that his job, the third one he had this month, was on the line here.
"I'm not obsessed!"
"You throw darts at Izaya's picture in the backroom. Don't think I don't know about it."
Izaya giggled like a giddy schoolgirl.
"It's because I hate him because he's a-"
"If you say 'louse' I will fire you."
Shizuo closed his mouth.
"-annoying guy."
And that was how Shizuo found himself in a sentō with the two Izayas and his counterpart. He stayed in a corner as far removed from the craziness as he could and cursed his luck. The Izayas were having the time of their lives, splashing around happily which told Shizuo that they were water fleas.
"Is this kind of thing normal in this world….?"
Shizzy had no idea how this naked fraternization, for lack of a better word, was legal. This Tokyo was as scary as these inhabitants.
"It's a Japanese tradition! So we brought Simon along to experiment it!"
Simon sat on a bench and tried very hard to think that he was somewhere else. Anywhere would do. He had absolutely no intention of experimenting anything, he was just waiting until they forgot about him so that he could flee. Izaya and Izzy decided that this was a wonderful time for spinning around for reasons unknown.
"Better than a swivel chair!"
"Wheee!"
They ended up dizzy enough to collapse on top of each other. Shizzy stared straight ahead because his mind was going many places at the same time. The Izayas were very naked and as ever at ease as humanly possible. And then some more. Simon reached the conclusion that these places were every bit as shady as he thought they were. No great surprises here. He made a mental note to completely avoid greeting them even if it went against the customs of the land. What kind of land sported being naked as leisure, anyway.