AN: Thank you for your patience in waiting for this update. Helena author however will ask for just a little bit more. Due to unforeseen circumstances, she's finding it hard to write. Chapters will be released every forth night until she can get herself sorted out.

Chapter 14

The conversation started out about old times. About the Alliance and how things have changed. About planet earth, meeting aliens and becoming a part of a greater community of souls. But Councilman David Anderson knew that it was all antiseptic, like a swab of alcohol before the puncture of a needle. Cool, strangely pleasant, yet being the forebear of pain.

And he could tell that Dr Karin Chakwas was in pain. They had both changed in the past few years, but to his eyes, that change was more prominent now. He knew it had to be because of what they had gone through on the Normandy. About their capture by the Collectors. He had gone to visit her while she was still in hospital and, having served with her for years, he could tell that she was deeply shaken for the first time.

But for all that trauma, Karin had not become blunt, her eyes were still as sharp and clinical as they had always been. He recognized the look, the way she tried to put him a little at ease before bringing up concerns or news about a patient or one of his crew. He had always trusted her judgement to watch his back and he knew why she was in his office now.

He suspected that she felt that he had forsaken his duty to watch over hers.

But it's not my duty anymore, is it? Anderson thought with a touch of bitterness as he sipped the last of his tea, watching as Chakwas grew silent. Shepard made sure of that. I can't help her even if she wants me to.

He put his cup down to find his old Chief Medical Officer was looking at him, her features finally echoing the sharpness that he had detected in her eyes all morning.

"What happened, Anderson?" she said – having long since evolved beyond calling him on his title. "Why has Hackett turned on Kate?"

He had to frown at her choice of words. "Admiral Hackett hasn't turned on her, Karin," he pointed out. "But with the amount of attention she's been drawing to herself it was inevitable that the Alliance would take notice. Hackett is going along with it so that he can remain involved. If he had opposed this, they would simply have kicked him off of the task force." He shook his head. "You cannot expect one man to fight this battle on his own and succeed."

Karin's eyes grew sharper as she sniffed and put down her own cup and saucer. "Yet that is what you're expecting of Kate," she said. "What you have expected of her ever since she took command of the first Normandy: To be the one person to stand up; to stop a war; to stop a criminal." She met his gaze sharply. "One woman to stop an entire race of sentient machines from destroying life as we know it."

Anderson held up his hand. "Karin, we're not expecting her to do it on her own…" he began, trying to calm her, but his efforts were in vain.

"Oh?" The woman queried sharply. "Then where is your support, Councilman? Where is that of your council? Of the very people who gave her back her Spectre status, in good faith. Where is that faith now? Why do they not intervene?"

Anderson gave her a pointed look. "You know the answer to that, Karin," he said. "You're a smart woman." He sighed. "They are not questioning her as a Spectre. The Council had given authorisation for Kate to operate outside of Council space. They agreed to turn a blind eye, it doesn't mean that they approve of what is happening."

"They don't want to get their hands dirty," Karin said sharply. "You don't want to get yours dirty…"

He was angry suddenly, irrationally so. "Don't you judge me, Karin!" he snapped. "I am trying to support Shepard to the best of my abilities. I am the one who fights for her before the Council. I have not questioned her, not once. But, like Hackett, I cannot show my support too furiously because if I appear to be subjective rather than objective, they will doubt me and disregard my words completely. I need to do what I need to do to make sure that she always has at least one friend on the Council. I cannot interfere with Alliance business."

When he saw her shake her head, he almost rose to his feet. "What is it, Doctor?" He used the title sharply, demanding an explanation with all the authority he had learned to master over the years of his service. However, Karin didn't respond as he expected her to and it dawned on him that in the two years that he had lost contact with her, she had changed a lot.

"I'm just wondering if it's all worth it," Karin said quietly and suddenly her air of accusation was replaced by melancholy. "The position you hold, the faith we have in our people to protect us. Is this life worth it to you?"

The question took him by surprise and he had to think for a moment. It was a difficult reply.

"Yes," he said though he wasn't sure if he believed himself. "I have done… good work, Karin. I have tried to fight the good fight with words instead of weapons. I have had… to unravel Saren's lies. I have been given the opportunity to redeem myself. To prove what we have always known, that humanity deserves this. I know you are frustrated, I know you expect me to show more power. But if I do, I will undo everything Katelyn asked me to do two years ago. If I falter now, then no, it won't be worth it at all." He sighed. "I can protect her, Karin, but not in the way that you want. You have to understand that not everybody can show such blind faith in her as you can. Not everybody was on the Normandy. Not everybody saw what you did."

Karin snorted and there was another edge of bitterness in her voice. "Ashley Williams did," she pointed out. "And the words blind faith wouldn't be what I attribute to her testimony. Her report on Horizon was one sentence short of a total smear job, if not to Katelyn then to the Cerberus crew that had risked their lives alongside the commander to save the colony."

Anderson gave her a look. "How did you come to see it?" He queried and the older woman had the grace to look embarrassed.

"I have my ways," she said haughtily. "The point is …" She trailed off. "This feels like a suicide mission. This feels like something that is doomed to fail." She sat back and her eyes grew darker. "And trust me, I know what a suicide mission feel like."

The Collector's base.

Anderson sighed touched his brow. "Karin," he said. "I don't know what you expect me to do. This is one area I cannot interfere in. I wouldn't even know how. But I will keep an eye on the proceedings. See if I can pull a few strings and give you some internal support from the Alliance. But that is all that I can promise you."

The doctor's eyes were solemn as she regarded him, weighing his offer. She sighed finally and shook her head. "Anything that you can give us will be appreciated, David," she said quietly. "I'm sorry… I am so hard on you. But…"

"You feel very strongly about this," Anderson finished her sentence for her. "I know. I don't always understand why, but I do know how you feel."

Karin's gaze remained sombre. "Don't understand?" she whispered and then seemed to speak more to herself than to him. "Of course you don't. You weren't on the Normandy. You weren't there when Katelyn came to me and said that she was going to defy the Council's orders and break away from the Citadel to try and stop Saren. You weren't there when we went to the edge of the galaxy nor were you… on board when we fought Sovereign from within the Normandy." Her gaze was sad and it felt like an accusation, with the breech between them becoming ever wider.

Anderson stopped being a soldier when he gave up his command to Shepard and he wondered whether a part of him would ever accept it. He was very surprised when he felt a hand on his knee.

"It's not your fault, David," Karin said quietly. "I don't blame you. But I want you to understand that I saw it all. Everything. Sovereign, Virmire, Horizon…"Her eyes became darker. "The collectors. I know what is at stake here. It is so simple to understand. I know what Kate faces, but I also know how hard it is on her. How… fragile every victory is. If Udina has his way, if he manages to destroy her reputation, I don't know how we will continue. I don't know how Katelyn will."

Anderson sighed, looking at the hand on his knee, thinking about Kahlee Sanders suddenly. He allowed his own hand to rest on the good doctor's but he could not meet her eyes.

This is not what I had wanted to do with my retirement.

"I cannot do what you want me to do, Karin," he said. "I cannot make this go away. But I will support you in whatever way I can, if only by giving you time and information. I will do what I can. I promise."

She stood before him, reminded of the days she stood in front of her father, waiting for him to evaluate her academic performance. He was never satisfied because, although Miranda's performance had certainly been above average, her marks were never perfect. Miranda had known that and accepted that, because secretly she had done so on purpose. When her father had still allowed her to attend classes in a private school, she had tried to tailor her marks so that she could fit in with the others. So that she wouldn't appear to be so different. It worked for a while, she had actually even made a friend.

But it was shortly after that her father decided to pull her from school entirely and use home tutors to try and improve her supposedly failing marks. She had given up pretending then and worked as hard as she could, dejected by the knowledge that she might never escape her father's might.

This man now browsing through the data file she had send to him had given her that salvation, but she was hard pressed these days to feel any kind of gratitude.

"This is very good, Miranda," the Illusive Man said finally. "Although I still disagree with Shepard's personal crusade, I approve of what you want to share with the Alliance." He gave the file a dismissive look. "If you must."

Miranda nodded slowly. "We have been given a further week to prepare our data," she said. "Dr Chakwas came back with the news."

The Illusive Man studied her, nodding slowly. "She was with Anderson today," he pointed out. "I wonder if the gift of time that we have received has got anything to do with that."

Miranda didn't show her surprise, but it was information she was not aware of. She had not seen Chakwas since leaving Illium, too hard at work at trying to put this file together. He had not asked for it, but Miranda knew that the Illusive Man would've wanted to review the information she was going to share with the Alliance. She had hoped that sharing it with him before he requested it would restore some of the faith he had in her.

And perhaps remind him that nobody else could've done what she succeeded in.

"If Dr Chakwas's relationship with her old commander can assist us with this," Miranda said, "All the better. She and I will prepare for this. I will make sure that she is able to defend the procedures and understand the data."

The Illusive Man studied her. "And she'll work in our favour?" He queried. "It's always been my experience that she's been very resistant towards Cerberus. You spoke about it yourself when you brought her to Project Lazarus."

Miranda shrugged, having anticipated the comment. "She's onboard with preserving Shepard," she said. "And she's very disgruntled with the Alliance. It's not something you can pick up through simple reports, but I've spoken to her occasionally and am confident that she will support this ship's mission, regardless of what colours it bears."

The Illusive Man's gaze was sharper. "But, she will also support Katelyn if she chooses to return to the Alliance," he pointed out, to which Miranda nodded.

"Yes, but as I've said before, I believe that is why we should ensure that she has a reason to remain with us," She gave the Illusive Man a pointed look. "Make sure that she understands that she can achieve certain objectives because of the free rein we give her. Have you given the matter any thought?"

She didn't like the way the Illusive Man smiled. "Well, I believe how you handled the refugees that you picked up in the mine is a very good example of that," he pointed out. "Cerberus did not interfere with their... treatment. Left it completely up to Shepard to decide about their futures." Miranda had gone cold and was simply staring at him, trying hard to make sure that her features remained stoic. "I heard that you and the one... Helena isn't it? I heard that you two have gotten quite close. I was quite surprised at your excursions in Nos Astra, Miranda. I didn't figure you the type."

She didn't blink, but replied smoothly. "I was just tying up loose ends," she said simply, but her mind returned to the previous evening, to the awkward conversation and her inevitably question.

Do you dance, Helena?

She didn't expect Helena to say yes, given her aversion to touch, but she had. Shy, awkward, slightly uncomfortable, but clearly a slave to the music she so clearly said she was addicted to.

"Is that what they call it these days?" The Illusive Man murmured. "Interesting."

Miranda sniffed and shook her head sharply. "Before I let her go, I felt that it is vital to ensure that I evaluate any future interest she might hold, if she had obtained any strategic data. Helena's not fond of Cerberus so I felt that it is important to rather see her on a social level." She shrugged, seeming dismissive. "She attracted to me, it was easy to use that."

Prior to what Miranda had expected, Helena hadn't taken the lead. On the dance floor, she allowed Miranda to guide her, to find them a position on the not yet crowded area. She had been awkward with her injured side, but Miranda was gentle. It had taken only one song to relax the ginger completely, her features losing their tightness as she beamed near and sometimes in Miranda's arms.

"I can imagine," The Illusive Man had said and she couldn't quite place his tone. "You know, if you considered them to be of importance, Miranda, you should've found a way to keep them on the Normandy."

Them, not just Helena. Them.

Miranda shrugged, but her mind turned to Rinn. It was the woman who broke up their evening, indirectly. Miranda wasn't sure how long they had danced. It was certainly more than one song, one movement of the beat. She had already considered ordering more wine, a meal, when Helena stopped and seemed to take a breath.

"I have to go back to Rinn," she had barely spoke above the beat around them, breathless but not – Miranda suspected –because she had danced. "I have to... go home. Before it's too late."

Too late, Miranda had thought and had realised that she still had on her hands on Helena's hips. She was suddenly so acutely aware of her own exhilaration, her own smile. She loved music, loved dancing and, for a moment, she could almost imagine that it was her own addiction. Too late for what?

Helena's hands had been on hers, keeping them on her hips, her thumb tracing patterns on Miranda's hands. It was... inviting.

"They are hardly of any importance," Miranda answered the Illusive Man. "But they might be. Helena's been positioned as Dr T'Soni's assistant. Given her importance in the past and her link to Katelyn, I feel that it is still important to keep an eye on her. Helena can help me with that. She's not the kind allow anybody to command her loyalty, I'm comfortable putting her with Liara without being worried that the asari will gain too much hold on her." She sighed and meant what she said. "She'd have made a good agent."

The Illusive Man was studying her. "You should've tried to recruit her," he pointed out and she could tell that he was waiting to see what her reaction would be. Miranda shrugged to this, then shook her head.

"Kelly Chambers tried," she pointed out. "It didn't work out."

The Illusive Man nodded quietly, but didn't comment immediately as his inhuman gaze shifted over her. Miranda, not knowing what he wanted, waited for his scrutiny to pass.

"And did the night yield anything of importance?" He queried.

Miranda hesitated, considered elaborating, reporting on what she had done, but then dismissed it. "No," she said simply. "Nothing as yet. All interaction at the moment is simply an investment into the future." Her statement made the Illusive Man smile, though she didn't like it.

"Then let us hope," he said, "for the future's sake… this investment pays off. And you can figure out how you want to use it. You're right. A tool in Liara's offices would serve us well."

Tool, Miranda thought. That's what Helena had said I was.

They left shortly after they stopped dancing. Helena proudly wanted to settle the bill, but Miranda didn't let her, not willing to confess that the bottle cost a week of the ginger's wages. She expected Helena to leave her side as quickly as she could with that wildness in her eyes, but the woman stayed with her, walking her out of the club and to the space port where they would both catch their transportation to their different locations. It was there that Helena took her hand again and simply held it for a moment.

"Miranda," she had asked finally, her tone sombre and almost frightened. "If… If someone else asks me to dance. If I go to Eterninty and you're not there. Do I wait for you to come back one day? Or do I accept the dance?"

Understanding immediately that she wasn't speaking about a potential dance partner, but an actual relationship Miranda had to think clearly, wading through opinions that sprouted from both her heart and mind.

"Accept it," she had said finally, surprised by how hard it was to say those words. "And the next one… if that dance doesn't work out. You are here to live, Helena, to learn how to live again." She had gone silent for a moment, feeling the ginger's pressure in her hand increase. "I won't stand in the way of that. And I most certainly don't want you to wait for me. I'm not always… as good a dance partner. And I can't tell you when I'll show up again."

Helena had stood beside her silently, without letting go of her hand. "I can wait," she had said finally. "I'm good at waiting." Her reply had surprised Miranda and it made the strange dull ache in her heart a little bit more acute.

"Maybe," the Cerberus agent had said, trying not to think of the future. "But I am terrible at being around."

They left it at that. It would've been so easy to get into the same cab, to go to a hotel, a room… Anywhere where they could be together for a few minutes more. But they didn't, because Helena had a new home to go back to and Miranda, Miranda had a mission, one she could not complete if she grew any more attached.

She turned her attention back to the Illusive Man, wondering how much he knew, wondering how much he had observed or what had been told to him.

"There is one thing about the future that concerns me," she pointed out. "A question you have not yet answered. Not yet, not really." She fixed him with a steady look.

"What other incentive do you intent to use on Shepard to keep her coming back to this ship and your command?"

Katelyn didn't really take note of where she was, of where she was heading towards, until the Port Observation room slid open. There were no stars shining through the view port, just like there was no justicar inside. Still, the commander found herself stepping further into the room, breathing in the quiet and seeking the rock-solid calm she sometimes had managed to attain when Samara had been there.

But, with the room echoing with her absence, it seemed as if the asari had taken that with her too.

Beyond the room, the Citadel docks glowed, the view frequently interrupted by a different ship moving into or from a docking slip. Katelyn remembered how Rinn had sat by the window, trying to identify ships by whatever she could pull from her omnitool, and later the datapad Samara had handed her. The woman's green eyes glittered excitedly whenever she managed to successfully identify one; her face determined whenever she got one wrong. Samara had sat with her, acting as her instructor, confirming or correcting as the game went on.

I wonder what Samara would have made of this. I wonder if her own efforts to warn others are yielding any fruit.

Hopefully it would, but there was a bite to that hope. Maybe I should send everyone off to the corners of the galaxy. Give them the chance of reaching others without my 'contaminating' influence.

The observation room door slid open and Katelyn turned. Karin Chakwas walked in with her usual, square-shouldered, professional gait and gave the commander a hesitant smile. It was clear that the ginger's calm veneer was completely absent. But then again, Karin always knew how to read her.

"Commander."

"Doctor," Katelyn replied with a small, if strained, smile.

Chakwas came to stand beside her and they took a moment to stare out the window together. Alliance ships patrolled alongside turian craft, which was truly a strange thing for Katelyn to see. The galaxy had two years to adjust. They must hardly notice the peculiarity any more.

"Tough day?" Karin broke through her thoughts.

"Hm," Katelyn gave a small acknowledging grunt. "They seem to have become the norm."

She felt a slight brush against her shirt as the older woman rested a gentle hand on her back. "I'm sorry, Katelyn," Chakwas said softly.

So am I, Shepard thought. I was brought back for the sole purpose of fighting the reapers and the idiots I'm fighting for couldn't give a damn.

"It's all for them," Katelyn said finally, motioning with her head at a passing Alliance ship. "And they're the biggest obstacle we face."

Chakwas sighed. "I don't understand it either." From the commander's periphery, she noted the small shake of Karin's head. She too seemed tired, drawn out too thin. "I wish I did. It might make things easier. Easier to be on this ship, doing what we do."

But that's not going to change. None of this will.

"It would be easier to just let it go, wouldn't it?" Katelyn said softly. Maybe it would have been better just to stay dead. No. No, Katelyn, you can't think like this. You're just tired. Frustrated and tired. It's people like this amazing woman beside you that you should keep on fighting for. People like her and Liara and Tali and Rinn.

And Samara…

Katelyn drew a deep breath, gave herself a mental shake and squared her shoulders. "Don't mind me, Karin," she said, forcing her mouth to form a smile. It probably didn't look all that convincing, but it was something. "I'm just a little tired."

The hand on Katelyn's back tightened. "Kate, I… I would take this from you if I could."

The ginger chuckled. "Everyone seems so keen on shielding me, but someone has to do it, Karin. Fate just decided the joke is on me." She finally turned to her friend, meeting her eyes calmly. "This galaxy isn't going to wake up in time," she said neutrally, feeling the truth of it like a heavy weight in her gut.

They were quiet for a time as more ships passed. Katelyn ran through the things she still had to do. There was another meeting before the psychological examinations begin. The Illusive Man also wanted a word with her. At least the physical examination was pushed a week back. Then they'd start with blood, tissue, dental and god knows what else. The idea of being poked and prodded hardly gave Katelyn any comfort but perhaps after having her mind scrubbed so thoroughly, she might just welcome it.

If all this is pointless, why are you going along? Are you such a fool? If there is no hope…

"Maybe all of this, all of what we do here will help," Karin broke through her thoughts.

It felt as if the doctor was stretching. Looking for something to pull Katelyn away from her despair.

Like she had done weeks before.

"Are you telling me this to soothe me or because you believe it, Karin?"

"I'm trying to give you hope."

How I love you, old woman.

"Maybe," Katelyn conceded, then took a deep breath and shook her head. "No, it will. We just have to keep at it. Something's got to give." She felt the hand on her back disappear and turned to see Chakwas step back slightly and quickly glanced over to the door. Katelyn followed her gaze wondering whether she was expecting someone or if the door had opened without the commander noticing.

"So have the lab coats been giving you any trouble?" the commander asked, seeing that they were still alone. "I'd have preferred if you had Miranda backing you up."

"Oh I can handle these fools," Chakwas gave a dismissive gesture with her hand. "Miranda would've been insightful to have at my side, but she's promised to brief me. Besides, contempt for Cerberus runs deep. They would be far more confrontational towards her than me. I've done too much for the Alliance in my years of service."

That didn't help me any despite all the medals that they wanted to hang around my neck.

Katelyn felt her jaw clench ever so slightly. "If anyone so much as gives you a sniff of trouble, Karin, you let me know," she said firmly. "I'm the one they want to poke and prod at, not you." She rolled her shoulders, trying to get the discomfort knotting in them to release its grip. "This may be my choice, but that doesn't mean you or any of my people should endure the slightest indignity."

Karin gave the commander a quiet smile, then shook her head ever so slightly. "They won't. Besides, they can't treat me any worse than they did when posting me in Mars."

That hint of rejection was there, glittering just beyond the surface of the dear woman's eyes, below the sigh that came unbidden to the doctor's chest. It tugged on Katelyn for it wasn't something she could soothe. It wasn't a time in Chakwas's life that she could remove. And it ached within her to see that hurt there, just underneath the exterior of the woman she respected so greatly.

Katelyn reached out, squeezing Karin's shoulder gently and resting her hand there. "They're loss is my gain, Karin," she said softly. "They were fools sending you there." She allowed herself a small grin. "Not nearly enough people to chastise there. What's a couple of millions to someone like you?"

The commander took some comfort in the silent smile Karin rewarded her with, but then the older woman's features changed and she glanced back at the door.

"Kate, can I talk to you about something?" Karin asked.

So that's why she keeps glancing at the door, to make sure we still have privacy. Katelyn shifted her weight, suppressing the frown that was about to cross her features and wondered what the doctor would want to bring up that merited the question. Usually she'd just come right out and discuss the subject. So why the caution?

"Of course," Katelyn replied, gesturing to a nearby chair. They moved together, seating themselves within reach of the other. The commander took in the hints of what she could only call 'caution' that the other woman let slip. This was not Chakwas's doctor's façade.

Karin took a breath before meeting Katelyn's gaze.

"I had a look through your old medical records to compile the file we need to submit," she began and Katelyn nodded. "It dawned on me that the last time you had a psych evaluation was right before the commission of the first Normandy. You should have had one after Sovereign, but things… moved on quickly after that."

"I'm sure they'll make up for it here," Katelyn replied with a shrug. "I can't say it's something I'm looking forward to."

How do you try and explain to someone what death feels like when you're not quite sure you know yourself? How could any sane person believe one has come back from the dead? But then how do you explain the memory of death and then waking up only two years later? Unless it was a coma… Unless it wasn't me at all.

But Liara established that you are you, Katelyn.

But then… what if I'm not? How would you tell a clone that they're not real? Could she have lied?

Stop it, Katelyn.

"I think it's going to be a problem," Chakwas was saying and the commander focused on her words. "If they want to disprove you, then the evaluation might well be the ammunition they need. We all changed after the Collector's base."

That could not be denied. It was somehow etched into everyone. One could see it in the tremble of Gabriella Daniels' hands and in her fellow engineer Kenneth Donnelly's silence. It was in Kelly's skittishness and in Karin's frailty.

Katelyn rested her hand on the older woman's arm, studying her, absorbing the presence of the woman who had perhaps witnessed one battle too many. One atrocity too many. And not only witnessed but experienced. The commander wondered how much Miranda had changed. She hid herself so well behind her professionalism. And then there was Katelyn herself.

How much have I changed? What's different?

"I don't think I could have faced the collectors if I hadn't faced Sovereign," Katelyn finally broke the silence. "I couldn't have moved on to the next challenge if I hadn't been changed by the first. Maybe I need to be different to take on that which is different."

"It can't work," a voice from the past echoed in Katelyn's mind. "Training a devil to fight a devil."

Is that what I've become? Is that what I'm becoming?

Is that what I need to become?

"First human Spectre," the husk's voice replaced Helena's. "First human reaper. Hmm, perhaps there is a sense of balance to it."

Katelyn looked away from Karin, and dismissed the thought from her mind. No, that's not who she is. Failing to kill Rinn was proof of that.

"I just regret how much the crew had to endure." I need to speak to the Illusive Man again. I've given him the courtesy of involving him in considering the well-being of my crew, but I'm not going to let them down by denying them some chance at regaining a part of themselves. "They're naval personnel, not army grunts." She tightened her grip slightly on Chakwas's arm as she turned to her again. "I regret how much you have had to endure, Karin."

Katelyn felt Karin's hand slip over her own. "I'll get through it, my dear." The smile on the doctor's lips was not a happy one. "What I want to suggest, Katelyn, is to be prepared for what they can… unearth. I want to suggest that, before you speak to their people, you maybe speak to one of mine."

"Unearth?" she frowned.

Chakwas looked at her with what appeared to compassion. "A lot of things have changed in the past few years, Kate. You've had to make some tough decisions," she looked away. "Things like Kaiden, Virmire. They will use that."

And? A bitter part of Katelyn wanted to scoff. They always niggle at the things that best need to be left alone. I already know that. They'll probably bring up Mindoir as well.

"I already have the weight of Ashley's judgement resting on my shoulders as well as the rest of the galaxy's critique on every decision I make," the commander shrugged. "What else is there for them to find? What else is there to use that they haven't done so already?"

"You're own doubt about who you are," Karin answered quietly. "Your death and the two years you've lost. These are big things to deal with, Kate. And you haven't had the chance, have you?"

Katelyn closed her eyes and exhaled a slow breath before turning back to the view port. Again she could see Rinn sitting beside it, this time it was when she confronted the dark-haired woman about the knowledge she and Helena possessed. Through that anger and frustration had been such a dire need for understanding, for connection. A desperation to find something to ground her again.

But there wasn't anything to do that. Nothing in this new life felt right. And with running around after the collectors, there had been so little time to really appreciate the fact that she was alive again. No one else really seemed to have that problem. Tali and Garrus had obviously been shocked and their joy was genuine and yet they were so quick to find old routines again.

"Everyone else seems to be at ease with the idea of me just being back," she voiced her thoughts. "If they ask me about that in the assessment, which I grant they probably will, I will tell them that it is an adjustment. Time hasn't stood still during my absence, after all."

She felt Karin's eyes on her for a time before the doctor shifted position.

"I wasn't convinced that it would work at first," the older woman confessed and Katelyn regarded her curiously. "Have I ever... discussed this with you?"

The ginger shook her head silently.

"Would you like me to?" Karin asked quietly.

Joker's motivations Katelyn could understand, but Karin's had been different. It seemed self-centred to claim it was because of Katelyn that the woman had joined up, but it must have played some role. It was something she had been curious about for the past five months, but not something she had thought she would dare ask.

"Why did you join up, Karin?" she asked now, turning to face Chakwas. "You had every reason not to. The very idea is…" Katelyn shook her head. "So why did you?"

The doctor slipped Katelyn's hand into her own and smiled. "I told you that Mars was a bust," she replied. "I was… very vocal after your passing about what they were doing to your image. And about how they just swept the reaper threat under the carpet. I told you that I followed Joker, but… it wasn't that. I could've carried on treating him regardless of where I was stationed."

Chakwas paused and Katelyn nodded for her to continue.

"But… a few months after your disappearance, I went to visit Liara and I realised that she wasn't mourning. Not the way she had Beneziah. She was… dark. Embarrassed, perhaps. She didn't say anything at the time, but I began to do some digging of my own. Joker had already joined Cerberus by that time and was capable of 'feeding' me information." Katelyn frowned at this. "Not enough to know what they were doing, but enough to begin to suspect that something was afoot. Something that involved you. I suspected that they might be trying to clone you."

"There were small snippets. Liara had mentioned something about Cerberus in passing. They had recruited Joker before he was even properly out of the Alliance. It was as if they were keeping tabs on everybody you had dealings with in the past."

"Which would make sense," Katelyn agreed, raising her hand, palm uppermost. "The clone would need to be tested among those who knew the original. It's the only way they could know whether she'd be passable."

"Exactly," Chakwas replied. "I started digging deeper, further. Then, one morning Miranda showed up on my doorstep, a data file in hand." Karin paused to smile and Katelyn could feel the warmth the doctor had come to nurture for her driven XO. "She explained to me what they were doing, what they were busy with. I didn't believe her. I wanted more details, but she wouldn't give it to me lest I joined the organisation. She made me an offer," the woman shrugged, "a handsome one, but that wasn't really the incentive. The truth was that I looked at her and realised that they needed me. Just like they needed Joker. Just like they had needed Liara to recover your body. They needed me and they were willing to grant me access to you, or whatever version of you they were creating."

Whatever version of you they were creating. Katelyn looked down at the hand clasping hers and found herself wondering whether Chakwas would have acted the same if she were in fact a different version.

"And secondly," Karin said after a pause. "I realised that, if I refused to join, Miranda was going to kill me." She smiled again. "Or try to anyway. I didn't take it personally."

"No, of course not," the commander mused, but her mind was still caught in its own uncertainty. "In what state was I in when you became involved?"

"Conscious, but kept in a medically induced coma. Miranda showed me that you were… considered viable for life in the very early stages of the reconstruction. Somehow, saving your mind had never been the challenge. It was rebuilding your body that proved the greatest obstacle."

Which is why I can now be classified as a cyborg, Katelyn thought. She considered the doctor's words. At least it was clear that Karin knew that the commander was herself. That is if… She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to allow doubt to cloud every word Karin said or what Liara had told her. There were too many obstacles without questioning the honesty of those dear to her.

"Why tell me this now, Karin?" she asked. You could have told it to me before. You've been the only one, besides Joker, never to talk of the… adjustment of having me back.

"Because I wanted to tell you that I had my doubts. Seeing what they were doing, seeing what they did and what they had to do, I couldn't possibly imagine that you would come out of that whole. I doubted you, Katelyn, and I only stopped doubting you after we met again, after I spoke to you and realised that you were…" The commander heard traces of the grief now. "You were the woman I saw perish on the Normandy.

"It wasn't easy, Commander. It was a journey. One I had two years to get used to. It took time to evaluate the situation, to accept what happened. And if you look to someone like Liara, she accepted you the moment she handed your body over to Cerberus. She cannot doubt you because she started all of this. It may appear that it was easy for us to adjust to you being here, but it wasn't. It was a different journey for all of us, as your journey to acceptance will be different than mine." Karin squeezed Katelyn's hand. "Robert might be able to help you establish how far along that journey you are."

Katelyn sat quietly, first looking at the woman beside her and then down at their hands. Karin's steady hands were showing the gently wrinkled signs of age. The ginger focused on it while she let her mind go. She felt a distinct reluctance to speak with anyone – though part of that she knew was a natural reaction. She had never been keen on putting herself in the hands of a stranger and definitely not when it came to what lay in the depths of her mind. Perhaps it was because of the evaluations she had to undergo, the ones she had already undergone.

I'm already going to have people scratching around in my mind. Do I really need to have someone else do it beforehand? But there was more to it than that, she knew. There was also the matter of if she would be able to deal with that along with everything else. Chakwas was looking out for her, trying to allow her to find the obstacles she'd have to face during the evaluations, but at the same time it meant hitting those barriers before the tests had begun. Am I strong enough to handle that?

Not now, she admitted to myself. Not after everything. Not when I already have enough stacked against me. She felt like an athlete who had just stumbled. The finish line was close enough that all she needed to do was prevent falling until after the line.

"I don't know whether there is time for it," Katelyn said finally. "What I mean is…" She sighed and shook her head. There's not enough time to piece myself together again before a new storm hits. "Before we left," she said instead. "I asked Liara to look inside my head and see whether I am myself." She shrugged. "If I'm a clone, I'm a very good one. Or so it seems."

"The thing is, there are only two people who can really answer that question and I know neither of them ever will were I otherwise. So, I can't focus on that now. Not really. I'm here for the chance to gain Alliance support – frail though it may be. I'm here for the purpose of stopping the Reapers. Almost everything I do is for that goal. That's what I need to focus on. There's a war going on, Karin. I don't know whether this is the right time for anything other than that."

She could tell that Karin felt she missed the point.

"If time was so pressing, Katelyn, we would not have had the time to go and deliver a broken woman to Liara, and the time to ensure that she was safe." Karin's voice was calm and soft, but the commander had to wonder at the doctor's referral to Rinn as 'broken woman'. The two had kept their distance from each other in the time Rinn spent alone on the Normandy, and both had often been reticent to speak of the other. "We have time for that which we care about. For that which is important. There is a war going on, yes, but life is also slipping by us and, if we forget to notice, we'll turn into the same automatons that the reapers are.

"I did say almost everything I do," Katelyn mumbled, then took a deep breath. "I don't know, Karin. I'll consider it. I just… I don't know. Not at this moment, at least. But," she met Chakwas's gaze, hoping that the gratitude she felt would be visible. "Thank you. For everything."

Karin sighed, giving a small conceding nod, then smiled. "No need to thank me, Katelyn." The commander felt the strength in the older woman's fingers as they squeezed one last time before Karin released her grip. "Let me know if you change your mind."