As winter came to halt and spring came I felt the most sorrow. During the first week of spring I have to prepare for my wedding. Even my brothers gave me the most ugliest wedding dress. Don't get me wrong it's still white but how it's designed disgusts me. The sleeves fall down to upper sides of my arms, the dress front is too low down almost revealing my breast, and what makes it worse is that there is a huge leg slit and it's so flowy. I never imagined my wedding dress to be like this. I wanted my wedding dress to be like my mother's. But I guess that's never gonna happen.
But I don't care this is what I get for hurting Romeo. This is what pain feels like. Doing something your heart disagrees with. I've shut everything down. I've shut my feelings and my hopes and dreams. There's just nothing for me.
"You look so beautiful I bet mother would be so happy for you." Please she would be disgusted if she saw me like this but more disgusted in my brothers for making me do this and ruining my life. As three more days passed my wedding day came so quickly. There were no guests except my brothers and their friends. There was one thing I wanted to do before the wedding. What I threw across the room. What Josephine tried to give me. What was that? In envelope was a newspaper clipping.
And now I know. Now I know the truth. I was right with my parents. They are dead. I couldn't believe it at first but I know when to accept reality when it hits hard. I may be mad at Josephine right now but I'm glad that at least she kept her promise on trying to find out what happened to my parents but now I realize I really am alone. I thought I was alone when I left Romeo and Josephine but with both my parents gone there's no one else for me to love.
"Sorrowful, Regretful
All of those years that I lost
Memory comes at a cost
Those I trusted let me down
Everything I tried to hide in my past
It's too late to make it okay
Right and wrong changes with time
Every old lie that's told
Every new truth revealed
Love and loss
I've known my share
We were inseparable
I had looked up to her"
I never imagined I would be sad on my wedding day. I also never imagined that I would marry someone who would promise me nothing but pain and my doom. Is this what I'm gonna be doing for the rest of my life?
"How can I trust again?
What will become of us?
Can she learn to forgive?
And then suddenly he was gone
Will she be victorious?
Was all our love for not?
At least you're safe
How could he turn away from me?"
Questions I ask myself. Questions on what will happen to me as a person. Will I change? Or when I see Romeo again will he change? Will he reject me after what I said to him or rather what I done to him. I bet he thinks I played with him. But what concerns me the most is how can I ever forgive myself? How can I ever love myself? I know that before I can love someone I have to love myself and that won't ever happen if I stand up for myself and that's never happened before. I'm just a coward hiding behind the shadows.
"Sorrowful, Regretful
All of those years that I lost
Memory comes at a cost
Those I trusted let me down
Everything I tried to hide in my past
It's too late to make it okay
What I'd give to take it all back
So I won't get hurt
So that I won't hurt you
Foolish pride clouded my mind
I was blinded
I believed all those pretty lies"
As I put my headdress on along with the veil I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. I wanted to see one last glimpse of myself. One last glimpse of the old me before I'm changed into a person I'm not. I put my hand on the cold surface of the mirror reflecting on all the memories I had throughout my life. Not just with Romeo but with my parents and Josephine. Even though my life was filled with pain and sadness I had some good memories on the way.
"So how can I fix this?
And how can we move on?
I would give almost anything
I wish I could be ignorant
I know I messed it up
But I don't deserve this
I want to forget it
But it doesn't work that way
"Sorrowful, Regretful
All of those years that I lost
Memory comes at a cost
Those I trusted let me down
Everything I tried to hide in my past
It's too late to make it okay"
As tears started to pour down on my face I started to hear voices or maybe I'm starting to go crazy. But these voices started to become more clearer. I recognize these voices. These voices are my parents. Suddenly my father just appeared out of nowhere. "You're so grown up now my little princess." I looked at him with disbelief. This can't be my father. He's dead. But I didn't care I ran to him and hugged him. "Father I don't know what to do anymore. I've run out of ideas." I cried. "None of this is your fault. I never should've done something that was gonna risk your life."
So he did cheated. I was thinking he was accused of cheating but I never really thought he would do something so terrible like this. "Why? Why did you do it? Wasn't our family enough?" I asked. "When you came to this world you were more precious to me and your mother and I wanted to give you the life you dreamed about it but I guess I didn't consider what would happen afterwards if I did." he said. "You were being selfish. Just admit it."
"I know what I did caused you great pain but you have to understand that this is also your fault too." I was shocked to hear from my father that it's my fault that I'm in this situation. "How is this also my fault?" I asked. "From the start you could've stood up for yourself but you never did. You just stayed quiet. I never imagined I would see my daughter be stripped down to nothing but a maid. You're my little princess and I can still see a princess in you but you have to let it show."
"Then what do you expect me to do? Just look I'm gonna get married today and there's nothing to stop it. There's nothing more that life can offer me." I said. Father only said one thing before he disappeared. "Be a better person." How can I be a better person? I've tried so hard to keep my dignity and pride up but it all ends up being destroyed. I just resumed crying until the one person I desperately wanted to see all my life appeared. "Your father was right. You have grown up to become a beautiful girl." My mother appeared right in front of me and I ran as fast as I can toward her and hugged her. I could feel her stroking my hair like she would always do whenever she hugs me.
"I tried. I can't go on with life anymore." I cried. "None of this is your fault. I never should've put you in a situation that would bring burden on your shoulders. If you want to go through with this marriage then I will be with you with full support." My mother was always the supportive one. Just when I was about to open the door I hesitated. I stopped. Some parts of me just kept thinking of Romeo and what my father just said. "Why are you hesitating?"
"I don't know mother." I guess this is how my life's gonna be from now on. My life is gonna be full of questions that I have yet to answer. "You're my little ball of sunshine but I can see you have questions inside your head that you have yet to answer and that's okay we all have conflicts inside our head and all we just want to do is protect the ones that we love. I know whatever you choose you will do the right thing."
"You don't understand I fell in love with a newsie and I had to end it with him by saying some really terrible and unforgivable things to him and leaving him on the streets. I did it to protect him from my brothers but that costed me the boy I love. I was a fool. I was a fool to ever think my life could change by falling in love. I was a little girl dreaming about true love's kiss. I'm so stupid." I cried. "You're not stupid. You just need to figure out who you are. You're starting to become a person I don't know. I just want my daughter back."
"How can I? It's too late don't you see. There's nothing left now. If I have to protect Romeo then I need to sacrifice my love and happiness. There's no second chance for me and there never will be." I said. "I just want you to make the decisions that will make you happy not decisions that will only make your brothers and other people happy. But just know whatever you choose I will always be with like I always have been." I wanted my mother to stay with me longer but she had to fade away like my father. They're both gone again. But both my parent's words had a great affect on me. Maybe there is hope left. Maybe there is a way to make my life better.
*Song used in chapter: Sorrowful, Regretful by Magpiepony in her youtube series Princess Trixie Sparkle.