I'm not talking about a little peck on the lips, either.
Christine has her hands cupping both sides of Erik's face as she passionately presses her lips against his, and even stops for a moment before kissing him again. Raoul watches from the cage with tears streaking his face, and I don't blame him at all.
I'm trembling as my body wracks with my own sobs. An incredible weight seems to push on my shoulders; it sends me dropping to my knees as I grasp the stone on the edge of the lake. I grip the side with immeasurable force, trying to stop my mind and heart from spiraling out of control from the overwhelming sense of anguish that I've just been exposed to.
The truth of it all weighs in on me in that single instant.
Erik truly doesn't love me back and never will; Christine will always be the main subject of his affections; Erik is willing to do absolutely anything to keep her in his grasp.
It all feels like I'm trapped in a fairy tale. . .only I'm not the princess who receives her happy ending.
I know there's no place for me now that Christine has kissed Erik. Chances are, with the kiss, he'll take it as Christine's consent to live with him and forget Raoul in order to save his life.
However, Erik does something unexpected.
When Christine finally pulls away from him, Erik's face is not composed in the way that someone who has received their first kiss would normally be. In fact, his eyes are full of tears that are pouring down his cheeks in waves, and on instinct I make my way over to stand behind him and put a comforting hand on the back of his shoulder.
"Go, forget me. Forget all of this." He hisses to Christine and Raoul as he weeps, and turns to look at me. "You can go too, Shadow. Forget me."
"Come with us, Shadow." Christine's voice calls instantly.
But the moment I look up at her, her face falls and she knows.
"Christine—" I cry, before she nods to me in reluctant agreement.
"I know you wish to stay, Shadow." Her voice is weak and I can hear the tightness in her throat as she tries to stay strong. "If you should wish to see us again, just ask Madame Giry, as I'm sure she'll be able to communicate with you. . .I love you, Shadow."
My heart is in my throat as I try to contain myself.
"I love you too, Christine. I'm so sorry. . .I—" But she won't have it.
"You love him, Shadow. You do not feel you can leave him; do not apologize for that to me." She coos, her voice gentle and soothing before her eyes harden a bit. "Though, I really don't want to leave you with him. . ."
I watch Erik flinch at her works, and I feel the sting of the remark almost as though I'd been the recipient of the insult. Yet, I can still empathize with why she doesn't want me to stay.
"I know, Christine." I nod, before looking at her with a determined gleam in my eyes. "But. . .I love him. I cannot leave him in such a desperate hour of need; please understand that."
"I do." Her eyes are filled with hopelessness, and I know that was her last attempt at persuading me to leave with them. "Don't lose yourself in this madness, Shadow. Promise me that."
"I promise, Christine."
And then they're both gone.
"Shadow, you don't have to stay here with me." His voice is a hoarse whisper, and I can tell he is a different man through the way he speaks.
He's a man that's given up all hope in the world.
"Erik," I breathe, turning to him with tears collecting in my eyelids. "I. . .I know it hurts, but please don't give up all hope. There is so much more to life. Like your music!" I try to reason with him, pushing aside my own affections and current, melancholy state to try and help him feel better.
"What good is my music now? It was all written for her." He moans, falling to his knees behind the stool of his organ and weeping. "It's over now the music of the night."
I open my mouth to attempt some sort of consolation to his statement, when my eyes land on the sheet music that's currently sitting on the organ.
Pour Vous, Ma Chère Ombre is the title.
"For You, My Dear Shadow." I exhale quietly.
He has written a composition for me. The circumstances and reasoning are beyond me, but he's been comforting me for a long time, and perhaps this is another gesture of his true sorrow for how much pain I've endured.
But for now, it is my reasoning of his need to continue hoping.
"You haven't written all of it for her." I deny, kneeling down beside him and gingerly placing a hand on his shoulder. "You have an unfinished piece on the organ that doesn't appear to be anything like Don Juan or any of the other compositions I've seen."
"She doesn't love me back!" He cries out, as if I don't already know that.
"She doesn't." I deadpan, standing up as I think that he doesn't seem to desire any sort of affection from me since he's so heartbroken over Christine right now. "And it will hurt for some time, Erik, but you're going to have to choose whether or not you allow it to make you lose all hope."
A choked sob is my only response.
"Erik?" I purr, trying to keep his mind focused on growing stronger.
"Mm?" His voice is a low moan of lament, and it tortures my soul to see him in such a state, so I try to whisper kind words of consolation.
"You'll be okay. It may not feel like it now, but you will grow stronger from this, Erik. I believe in you. I believe you can compose great things again." I encourage, hoping that it helps on some level.
"Shadow, what if those compositions end up coming from some other woman that I fall in love with? What if they aren't for you? Would you still comfort me this way?" He's suddenly staring at me.
He doesn't say this with the intention of hurting me; instead, his face is full of unadulterated curiosity. He truly wonders how on Earth I would have the energy and strength to love him if such cases arose.
"I love you, Erik. That will never change. So, I use the pain and hurt as building blocks to strengthen myself." I swallow thickly. "All I will ever want in my life, is your happiness."
And then he dissolves into a fit of tears, crawling over to me in such a hopeless state of being that I want to pull him in my arms and give him all of the love and affection I have to offer. But I know he doesn't care for me in that way, and if a kiss from Christine could bring him to his knees in agony like this, I don't see how a hug from myself would be any better.
One moment, I'm looking into those broken, blue eyes and the next I feel a flame ignite inside of me as he abruptly pulls at my dress and then launches his arms around my waist and cries into my stomach, clinging to the fabric of my dress for dear life.
"E-Erik," I begin, still struggling relentlessly to keep from weeping myself. "Shh, shh, I'm here, Erik. I will not leave." I stroke his hair in an effort to calm him and myself.
His fingers clench into the seams of my dress, and I can feel his agony through the shaking of his body as he wails into my stomach, his face buried into me as if he can just disappear into oblivion by hiding from the world.
"She's gone. . ." He whimpers, his voice muffled.
My heart goes out to this broken man as I can do nothing but simply confirm is statement.
"I know."
His sobs grow louder for a moment, and he squeezes me tighter as though I am a life preserver keeping him afloat.
"Sh-She doesn't love me back. . ." His body seems to go limp as he comes to a realization. "S-She never," A cough of sorrow breaks through as he finally admits it to himself. "She never l-loved me. . ."
"She didn't. . ." Though I know the words sting, I don't know what else to tell him. He has to hear it or his hopes may rise and he'll find Christine again. "But. . .but she is happy now, Monsieur Erik. Doesn't that give you at least a small source of comfort?" I try to bring up some encouragement out of all this.
I know the moment I've said these things that it helps, but it also hurts, and there is nothing that I could ever do to completely numb the pain that has been instilled within him.
I know because I can feel those same sentiments gnawing deep within my soul right now as I stare at this man I love so dearly.
"It hurts. . ." His sobs begin to die off, but in contrast, he pulls me closer to him. "It hurts, my Shadow. . ." He moans in despair.
My heart lurches as I listen to what he calls me. The idea of being his is immediately crushed as I come up with logical reasoning for his statement.
He's in distress, Shadow. He doesn't mean anything by it. He says it so he feels a sense of stability in his crumbling world. I can't allow my hopes to rise when I know it will just hurt me in the end.
"I know it does," I purr, trying to ease the pain by running my fingers through his hair and giving him kind words of assurance. "I know it does, Erik. I'm here, fret not."
In an instant, I can feel him tense up against me, and I'm ready for any screaming, sobbing, or tantrums that he has to express his current state of emotion, but what escapes his lips next startles me.
"Is. . ." He trails off for a moment before he looks up at me with regret in his eyes. "Is this what you felt?" A short cry flees his lips. "Is this what you felt when I rejected you?"
Although I know he has a right to know what he made me feel, I can't seem to find it in my heart to want to tell him. I don't want to make him feel any worse, and I don't want him to feel any guilt for something that he can't really control.
"That's not what's important right now, Erik." I breathe, trying to keep my tears at bay.
"Tell me, Shadow." Though his voice is still broken and gentle, his eyes demand that I tell him.
My throat closes up with tears as I cover my mouth and turn away, nodding. My body quivers with pent up sorrow, but I stay strong so that I don't hurt Erik anymore.
Silence envelops both of us for a long time. The only sound in the cave is the sound of staggered breathing from the both of us trying to compose ourselves in an effort to face one another.
I inhale sharply when I feel his hand on my shoulder, turning me around as I keep my glassy eyes facing the ground. But I have no choice but to look at him when he places his fingers under my chin and tilts my head up, so I can see the guilt reflected there.
"I am so sorry, my Shadow." His voice is soft but manages to echo off the walls around us.
There it is again, "my" Shadow.
I want to scream. I want to throw a fit and curl up in his arms; I want to let the dam behind my eyelids burst forth as I reveal to him all over again how much I care about him and how I just want him to be happy.
But I can't.
"I. . .I forgive you." I whisper, unable to speak any louder for fear that I'll break.
He swallows thickly as he holds me captured in his gaze.
"I'm so sorry, Shadow." He repeats again with vigor. "I'm sorry, I should have never put you through that. No one deserves to endure this much pain. You deserve so much better than that." He shudders slightly as he pulls me into an embrace. "I apologize because I exploited your affections for me. . .I used that as a weapon against you; I went too far." He pulls back again to look at me with glassy eyes. "I'm sorry."
My body trembles as I listen to his voice; his sweet, angelic voice is telling me of everything I deserve and how sorry he is for everything that has occurred, and I suddenly can't handle it anymore.
I lose it.