Hello dears, I hope those of you who reviewed are all enjoying your sunflowers –hint-hint-.

Anyways, I tried out some new things with my writing this time, and I've been watching some stuff about Buddhist philosophies lately, so I decided to mix it in… please review and tell me what you think!

As you can tell I went with the Beatles for this one. Favorite song: Being for the Benefit of Mr Kite. And anyone who finds the two Beatles references I put in gets... uhm... I dnno an excerpt from the next chapter?

Enjoy!

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Bella Cullen, September 31st, 2007. 4:56 AM.

We spent hours out hunting, Edward and I. Sometimes we would take a break, and sit on the edge of a cliff; by some ravine I had no idea existed. The sun had begun to set, leaving the sky a watercolour of pinks and oranges and blues. The moon was already partially out, waiting for it's cue to reign the horizon. My legs dangled over the edge, and Edward sat beside me. I stared down at the rocks and the rubble, at the small creek that ran at the bottom. Beautiful.

While sitting there, we'd talk about everything, anything. It frustrated me how, at times, it was so dreadfully awkward speaking with Edward. But at other times, words flowed between us like endless rain into a paper cup. Today we were both particularly talkative, and the topic of the moment was literature. It was often literature.

When we'd run out of subjects, we'd hunt. When we were tired of hunting, we'd sit and we'd talk. And the entire time I'd hate myself for wanting to be only by his side, for wanting to live in the hug that I'd pulled him in hours ago. Those hours had started to feel like days, and then months, and then years. It'd felt so long since I'd held him in my embrace.

Stop it, Bella. I reminded myself that I wasn't worth him. And that once, I'd hated him. These were the reasonings battling with my irrational want to touch Edward, to caress him. It was all wrong.

For he'd be promised to someone else, I was sure. He would find someone ten thousand times more beautiful than I, and smarter, and funnier, and more befitting of his godlike stature. He would find his angel. And it wouldn't be me.

How and where could I find someone for Edward to love? She'd have to be gorgeous of course. Gorgeous enough for him. And seductive, tenacious. Many things that I wasn't. Perhaps in Denali, when we would visit there, I could find someone for him.

And then, hopefully, along with love he could discover his soul. It had become so difficult to understand why he didn't think he had one, that within him there dwelled one such thing. I'd spent barely two weeks observing this new way of life, but already I'd noticed one infallible thing: that to these creatures-- and some day perhaps also to me-- time, space, and money meant nothing. They had all the time in the world, all the money, and all the space. It meant nothing. They were offered the perfect situation to free themselves completely of material desires, like the Buddhists had done, and to exist in a state of purity more than anything many people could ever hope to come close to. They could live in perfect harmony with their souls.

Yet here was Edward, a remarkable man with a beautiful mind, but seemingly, no soul. Not to his beliefs, anyways. And it disturbed me more than anything about this new reality; he'd lived over a century and in all this time he'd declined to admit it existed.

It frightened me, also. Yes, I was now a vampire as well. But I hadn't witnessed that darker side of this life; the ones who killed humans, who lived on human blood. It scared me that observing that aspect, experiencing it one day, would condemn me to the soul-less state Edward believed he was in. Maybe that was why he didn't believe.

If I could cry, I would've. There was so much I didn't yet know about being what I was, and it scared me far too much. It scared me that maybe Edward was right; maybe he'd seen or done things that truly tore apart any beliefs of the soul he might've had. I shivered to think that perhaps one day that'd happen to me; and I too would find myself in a supposed soul-less situation.

I refused to let it happen. It wouldn't. And if it did, I would still have a soul! It couldn't be any other way.

By the time we'd sated our thirst, the sun was rising. It was far too bright out, not cloudy enough for my family to attend school. I was grateful that nature had granted me just a little more time with Edward. I told myself to stop thinking so obsessively about my soul, about his; to stop worrying and to simply spend time with him while I could. Soon enough I'd find him someone to call his love, and perhaps then it would be slightly harder to spend such long hours together.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. What are we going to do with you?" Edward was leaning back on his hands, his long legs trailing over the cliff, staring at me with the most curious expression on his face. The sun was barely bright enough to make his skin shimmer.

Confused, I replied, "What do you mean?"

"Never before have I seen anyone so deep in though so much of the time! What goes on in that head of yours?! It aches not to know!" That was when I nailed the expression he wore; it was wonder. He was looking at me… in wonder.

What on earth had I done to deserve his wonderment? I didn't quite know. I wished he could look at me like that more often. Bella. Stop it now. But there went the voice in my head again; reminding me exactly how little I had to do with this. How little the chance was that maybe one day… we'd be together. Shutupshutupshutupshutup.

I looked away and laughed slightly, staring up at the rising sun on the horizon.

"Edward, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I think you do."

My head snapped back to look at his face when he said those words so matter-of-factly, and his golden eyes were warm, inviting. Oh, how I wished I could lean in and kiss him. …ARE YOU INSANE?! Of course, my voice stopped me and I quickly broke out of my reverie.

"C'mon, let's go." I stood up, and so did he. It seemed as if he wanted to continue this conversation, but I wouldn't let him. Time to go.

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Edward Cullen, September 31st, 2007. 5:21 AM.

It is universally known that watching sunsets and sunrises with a beautiful woman should most usually end with a kiss that defies and overcomes all pre-existing expectations of what exactly a good kiss means. It never came.

What vexed me most about this was that I had no right whatsoever to want her, to wish for that kiss. I still saw myself very much as a soul-less monster, and I would be even more so a monster if I went and took her. I didn't deserve her. This is what I would tell myself again, and again, and again, until we would go to Denali.

Tanya could prove to be enough of a distraction, I hoped. I wasn't worth much more than she. I wasn't worth Bella. It would've happened sooner or later, Tanya and I. Why try and fight it now?

Either way, it broke my heart when the perfect moment for the kiss that I didn't deserve passed, and she stood up, saying "C'mon, let's go."

I hurriedly got to my feet, and we hunted one last time before racing back to the house. Running side by side with her, the wind blowing through my hair, I wished moments like these could never end. They did, though. They always did.

And so when we entered the house she grinned at me one last time, that beautiful grin, before it was no longer only us, and the rest of the world existed again. Emmett was watching a football game. I could totally take them. I rolled my eyes at his thoughts.. To my complete and utter surprise, Bella's eyes lit up in excitement and she plopped down on the couch next to him.

"What's the score?!"

Emmett grinned and slid further into the couch, "Daaaaamn, Bells. You never cease to amaze."

I stared in complete disbelief as they bantered on about the teams, and then shook my head as I went off to find Carlisle. We had something to discuss, him and I.

I recoiled as I heard his thoughts sounding from his office. He wasn't alone, though. Esme was in there with him. I shuddered and hurried to my room, finding some music to drown them out but calm me down at the same time; too many thoughts were flying about my brain. I decided on the Beatles… Nothing like Sgt Pepper for lonely hearts.

I retreated to my bed, to stare at my ceiling, like Bella'd done. I needed to pacify these errant images flitting about my brain like wild hummingbirds…

It was very simply, really. I wanted Bella. I had no right to take Bella. I didn't deserve Bella. Therefore, I should have to settle for something less than Bella. Or someone. Someone like Tanya. I could learn to love her, and that was the way it should be.

And we had to hurry over to Denali before it got any worse, before it became that much harder for me to stop entertaining thoughts about Bella and myself.

I didn't want to put Bella under any dangerous situations, though. She wasn't ready to be around people, she wouldn't be for another year. Could she make the trip to Denali? Even including the incident of the other day, she'd shown remarkable ability to not be so extremely obsessed with… well, blood. She did hunt often, which was natural, but she managed amazingly well. Perhaps she'd be ready within the month!

And I knew that the sooner we got to Denali, the better. For all of us.

I stopped the music then, to check on Carlisle. Hopefully his…activity had ceased. I cleared my throat slightly as I knocked on his door, and heard the quiet "Come in." Esme was nowhere to be seen, and for this I was grateful.

"What's wrong, Edward?" Carlisle spoke the minute I stepped in the room.

Was the troubled look on my face truly that obvious?

"Carlisle… We need to go to Denali as soon as possible."

At this, his expression became rather pensive as he lent back in his chair, his fingertips touching each other and suspended in front of him.

"Why so soon, Edward? And do you think Bella can make such a journey…?"

I sat down carefully, and let out a sigh before speaking again.

"I think she's ready. I think she can make it. And I need to be in Denali. Within a

month."

Edward, I can see what you're doing. I don't like it. You're very transparent about this whole business, you know. I can see. It isn't good for you. And I'm not so sure she will be ready then.

"Carlisle, this has nothing to do with what you think, I swear."

He raised his eyebrows, "Fine. We'll see how she fares in a month. Then, we'll leave."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

I rose to leave, but he interrupted me, "But Edward…"

Be careful, son.

"I know what I'm doing. Please, trust me."

Fine. Fine. Okay. I believe you.


I grimaced as I left the room, and in the hallway I happened upon a picturesque little pixie looking at me with pity.

I can see what you're going to do, Edward. You can't. You're an idiot if you truly believe this is how things should be.

I growled, "Stay out of this, Alice."

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Okay I know it's a short one, I'm sorry, but writer's block is eating me alive.

As for all of this decision-making by Edward and Bella, it's horrible I know, and I hate Tanya too, but please have some faith. Love overcomes all obstacles. Even the vampire-whore-shaped ones.

As I said, I tried out some new writing techniques in this one; have you noticed? If you have or have not, either way, REVIEW PLEASE!

Thanks guys… Peace and love,

-Mint!