XIV
I am about to pull the trigger when my phone rings and startles me. I normally wouldn't answer it, but something tells me I should. I put the gun back at the table and pick up the phone. It's Rachel, so I take the call.
"Rachel I'm so sorry." I say and my broken voice surprises me.
"Baby don't do whatever it is you are about to do." She begs.
"I can't do this Rachel. It's too much pain, I just can't anymore." I cry.
"Santana you listen to me. You are the strongest person I know. Few people would get away from what you did, but you did it. I can't imagine the pain you feel but I can help you through it. I promise." She says.
"I don't think I can." I whisper.
"Yes you can. Are you going to let him win? He wanted you to be broken, prove him wrong. Be happy San, that's the ultimate revenge." She says.
I think about it and she is right. He got off on my pain. He wanted me to be miserable. The thing that would get to him the most is my happiness.
"You know what. You are right. Wait for me baby, I'm coming home." I say.
"Oh San thanks god. I can't lose you, I just can't." She lets herself cry.
"Don't cry. I love you too." I say truthfully.
"I know that." She says happily.
"I'll be there in a couple of days." I say.
We say our goodbyes and I hang up. I see that I have many texts from Puck and Quinn, so I decide to call Puck.
"Santa what the fuck are you doing? I was about to get in my car and head there." He screams into the phone.
"Nothing. I lost myself for a moment but I'm ok." I say.
"You're not ok. This is enough you are getting professional help when you get back." He cries.
"I know and I will. It's about time I get my problems in order. Brit is dead Puck, she was with my father. The both had OD's." I say.
"Holly shit, no wonder you got so broken. I'm so sorry San." He says.
"I know. But it's done, now I can only move forward right? Life waits for no fool." I say.
"Word! Just back here will ya?" Puck says.
"I'll be there in a couple of days." I say.
"Ok sis, take care ok? Don't get stupid on me, I love you." He says.
"I won't! I promise. I love you too bro. Do me a favor and call Quinn. Tell her everything is fine." I say.
"Will do, drive save lesbo." He says and hangs up.
I sigh and look at the gun in front of me. What the fuck was I doing? Rachel saved my ass. She saved me and I fucked a girl behind her back. I'm going to tell her as soon as we meet and she will probably dump my ass. I deserve it.
I get up and start to pour gasoline everywhere. I go upstairs and soak everything too. I make a trail to the door. I take a last look at the horror house. Today this ends. I light up a cigarette and take a long drag, then I throw it at the trail of fuel and the fire begins.
"Burn motherfucker." I whisper.
I turn my back and run back to my car. I look at the house as I drive away and it's burning up fast. All the horror and the tapes would burn. This was my purge, my new start.
I go to the hotel to get my stuff and then I head back to LA. I'm going back to the love of my life and I'm going to be happy. I will prove to that motherfucker that he can't break me. I'm so much stronger than him. I drive into the highway with a smile.
I make it back to LA as fast as I can. I am tired and I fucking smell so I got home before going to Rachel's house. I get to my place and as soon as I open the door Satan comes running and jumps at me.
"Hey boy. I'm home." I say as he licks my face.
"Santana?" Quinn screams for somewhere inside the house.
"Honey I'm home!" I scream back.
Quinn comes running and jumps me, just like Satan did.
"San I thought you were dead. You scared me so much." She whispers and doesn't let go.
"I know. I'm so sorry, I just went to a very bad place." I apologize.
"Never do that again." She says and looks at me.
"I promise I won't." I say.
"San no offense… But you smell really bad." She says and scrunches her nose.
"I know. I slept in my car. I haven't seen a bath in three days." I laugh.
"You're disgusting. Go now! Wash yourself. I'll make you something to eat." She says and pushes me away.
"Thanks love." I laugh and go upstairs.
I take a long bath and prepare myself for the talk I'm about to have with Rachel. I need to tell her about the red head. I need to come clean so we can start over. It makes me nervous and sick to think that I might lose her today. I sigh and get out of the shower.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I look like shit. I need to start fresh, nothing like a new haircut to do that. I grab my scissors and start cutting, yes I learned how to cut my own hair because my father never took me to the hairdresser. When I'm satisfied I dress up for Rachel and make my way downstairs. I enter the kitchen and it smells amazing.
"What did you cook, it smells great!" I say.
"It's just some pasta and meat." Quinn laughs and turns around with the pan.
She sees me and stares with wide eyes.
"What?" I ask.
"You look amazing. Like… Really hot. So hot, I would totally fuck you right now. If we weren't friends of course." She says quickly.
"Thanks, I guess." I laugh.
"You're welcome. Now eat." She says and gives me the food.
"Don't mind if I do." I say and start to eat.
"So are you all dressed up for Rachel? You smell really good too." She says eyeing me.
"Yeah I did. She deserves it." I say.
I gave myself a short haircut, I look really hot. Even hotter than before. I putted on a pair of leather pants and a white t-shirt, along with my Docs. I look like every lesbian's dream.
"Rachel should brace herself." Quinn laughs.
"You really have the hots for me don't you?" I ask.
"Not really, I mean you do look amazing. But we already fucked, and it was horrible." She says.
"That was your fault." I laugh.
"Shut up! We just didn't go well together." She says and smacks me.
"True, but we are great as friends." I say.
"Hell ya we are." Quinn smiles.
"That was delicious, I have to go. I might sleep at Rachel's so don't worry if I don't come home." I say and get up.
"Ok hot pants." Quinn says.
"Bye blondie, thanks for lunch. I love your ass." I say and kiss her cheek.
"Love you too San." She says.
I get to the garage and hop on my bike. I put my shades on and drive off. Ladies stare at me whenever I stop at a red light, shit I feel amazing. But there is only one woman in my mind and in my heart.
I get to Rachel's house and park outside. I'm really nervous so I take a sniff from the cocaine I have in my pocket. I feel braver instantly so I get off my bike and make my way to the door. I ring the bell and wait. Rachel opens the door the door and stares at me.
"Hey pretty." I smile at her.
She jumps at me and wraps her legs around my waist I walk us inside and shut the door. She kisses me deeply and I lose my breath. Shit I forgot how amazing this is. We kiss passionately for a long time.
"You look amazing. Like a dream." She says when we break apart.
"I can say the same. You look perfect." I say.
"No, seriously. I think you are the hottest person I've ever seen." She says.
"And I'm all yours." I smirk.
"Never leave me again San." She says and holds my hands.
"Only when I die." I promise.
"Only when you're really old." She says.
"Yes, only then. Listen babe, we have to talk." I start.
"Ok…" Rachel says with a scared voice.
"I did something really awful when I was driving to Ohio. I was so fucked up in the head and drunk, but it's no excuse. I had sex with a random woman. I'm so sorry." I say looking deep at her eyes.
"What?" She whispers.
"I..." I try to say.
"I heard you the first time." She says angrily.
"I'm so sorry." I sigh.
Rachel lets go of my hand and walks around her living room. I'm sure she's going to dump me. I deserve it.
"I can't believe you Santana. You just leave fuck someone. Just like that? What the hell is wrong with you?" She asks.
"So much… I can only apologize Rachel. I was in a really bad place but I have no explanation for what I did." I say.
"Here I was calling you like crazy, thinking you were dead! And you were fucking some girl!" She screams.
"I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you." I cry.
I turn around to leave but Rachel takes my arm. I look at her and she is staring at me with loving eyes.
"I forgive you. But never do that to me again. I won't give you a third chance San." She says and holds my face in her hands.
"I promise…" I start.
"Wait. There are more rules. You can't shut me out anymore, I need to know what you are felling. You will go to therapy and learn how to deal with you pain, it really does help. And the cocaine has to stop." She lectures.
"Wait you know about the cocaine?" I ask wide-eyed.
"Of course I do, you think I'm blind? I see it at your nose right now and I know it when you're high." She says with sad eyes.
"I'm sorry, you really do deserve better. I'm a junkie and a train wreck." I say and look down.
"True, but you are also the love of my life and a good person. You deserve happiness San, but you have to get your act together." She says and hugs me.
"I will, I promise I will." I cry at her shoulder.
"I believe you, and I will help." She says and looks at my eyes.
"I love you so much." I whisper.
"I love you more." She smiles.
"Impossible." I say.
She stares at me and I start to kiss her deeply. She moans into my mouth and I get instantly wet.
"I missed this." I say hotly in her ear.
"So fuck me." She says and bites my neck.
I lie her on the floor and start to take her clothes off. I fall in love every time I look at her naked body. I take in all of Rachel. Perfectly toned legs, sexy belly with the dip in the navel, round and perky breasts, long and classy neck, those juicy lips open and breathing hard and those eyes. Those chocolate eyes that make me believe in love.
"You are perfection." I tell her.
"Shut up and fuck me already." She says and rips my shirt open.
"Wow." I whisper surprised.
She gets me naked and throws me at the floor. She gets on top and starts to grid our pussies together.
"Fuck Rachel." I moan.
She stares down at me with half open eyes and it turns me on even more. She keeps riding me and it feels amazing. I can feel her body start to shake.
"Oh God." She breaths out.
"Come for me baby." I say and pinch her nipples.
She comes hard with a loud moan and I follow. She collapses against me and our naked bodies feel amazing against each other.
"Wow! That was something else." She sighs.
"I know. Hey babe look I me." I say and hold her face.
"What?" She asks looking at me with big eyes.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I say and it´s the biggest truth to ever come out of my mouth.
"I would love that." She smiles big.
We spend hours like that. Naked on the floor just taking each other in. I could really be happy like this.