Freak on a Leash

-Itachi-

Over the following weeks, I kept discussing with Izuna about our potential return. He was as evasive and reluctant to discuss the subject as he was when I first told him who I was. He tried to explain to me that his ambivalence towards Madara would only bring more misery. On the one hand, he hated Madara for being unfair. On the other hand, he was afraid that he never got over his love for him either. What if the resulting passion would hurt them both?

What if Izuna ended up wanting Madara back, but his resentment made him want to hurt his brother? What if the resulting sadomasochism was psychologically destructive for both? And between a man who managed to reconstruct his life by turning his emotions off and a man who only had his memories and pitch darkness for the past decade and a half of his life, was it not obvious who would suffer more?

He asked me numerous times why I was so interested in making him meet Madara again after so many years, but I avoided answering so he wouldn't feel like I was patronizing him. Although in my mind it was clear that the consequences were not worth dwelling over, I knew I was the only one who saw things that way.

I alone spent 7 years of my life thinking of how to get back. Izuna's isolation was not his own decision, so for him the betrayal hurt more than the loneliness. For Madara and Sasuke, misery had company and they feel less of that pain because they had each other to make fun of. But I have always been alone in my guilt and repenting, and despite the pain that came from facing Sasuke again, I felt alive again.

I want Izuna to feel alive again. Live humans get hurt again and again, and that's probably why he's afraid of having to live again. But even in my mind, I sound patronizing and condescending if I try to explain his feelings in such simple terms.

I do not want him to resent me too. So when he repeatedly told me that I wouldn't understand his relationship with Madara, I eventually couldn't keep silent anymore.

"I do actually know what you mean. I've felt the same desire, although mine came from longing, not as a coping mechanism."

When I said that, he stared in my direction with wide eyes. It was strange to look at a blind man opening his eyes in surprise. He was as confused by me as I was confused by him.

"What do you mean you know? You've wanted your brother intimately?"

"I have. I let him fuck me in the past against my will because of it too."

"Against your will? Itachi, you're in denial then."

I have wondered about that myself, but it doesn't seem right. No, not quite. I'm not denying, I'm just saddened that my wish came true.

"I desire him, but I did not want him to feel the same thing I did. I let him do it because I thought it was the only way to atone for all the time I was gone and secretly lusting after him."

"Atonement, huh."

That moment, Izuna actually slipped a tear- a thing I never thought I'd see him do. He took his hair tie off and covered his face behind the hair. His shoulders were hunched over and despite all the covering, I could still see his eyes closed, with tears flowing out of them. I didn't want to ask him why he was crying, because he might have wanted to keep that to himself. No matter what it was exactly, he was not obligated to share it with me, a ghost nephew he had nothing to do with. Still, I wanted to know, because I felt like admitting it to himself and then to me was a step forward to healing.

I had been through a lot of pain during and after my parents' death, and yet I was sure it could not compare to the amount of pain Izuna had gone through when he was abused by his parents and after seeing them dead. Eventually, though, he talked.

"I never asked him… Do you think that's why I'm here, Itachi? I'm selfish and I used my pain to make him love me and fuck me and I never once asked him if that was what he wanted, even if I loved him more than anything… Do you think he hates me because I hurt him?" The last part was whispered, and I had to get closer to him to hear it. "I'm not OLD. Goddamnit I'm not OLD. I didn't live enough to make me old. I don't have anything. I'm a newborn of a human, and I still want him so much. Even if I got out of here, I'd just live in his shadow and love him for the rest of my life. Why do I have to be so old?..."

"I'm sure Madara would not see you as old. You're still younger than him, and always will be." Not that it could make you feel any better…

Izuna gives me a sad laugh and keeps clenching his hair in his fists.

One thing I did notice from our conversations was how much Izuna would say my name. Even when he didn't want anything, he'd say my name and repeat it until I answered him. When I asked him why he liked saying my name so much, he snickered at me and thought for a second.

"I don't know what Mikoto was thinking when naming you weasel, but I'm simply saying it because I haven't called someone by their name in 16 years. It feels comforting to know that if I call your name, you're going to answer me."

"Unlike Madara."

"Itachi…"

"I apologize. Should I call you by your name too?"

"Don't call me Izuna." His face is suddenly a lot more dejected and serious. "I can't say I was ever given a reason to like my own name."

I want to raise my eyebrows, but then I realize he couldn't see me, so I asked "Why is that?"

"Most people who called me that made my life hell. Mikoto used to call me that too, but that was back when I didn't have a reason to hate it yet."

"Do you want me to keep calling you 'you'?"

Izuna sighs and tilts his head back until it hits the wall behind him. "Call me Zu, if you don't mind it too much. Please."

He would always say please even when it wasn't needed, even when he was the one in pain, even when doing me a favor.

"You said please." This time, it was him who raised his eyebrow at me. "It's nothing. I just found it strange, for such a small request. Of course I don't mind."

"It's strange? I suppose it's a habit. Please forgive me."

He would always say please, even when he was the one in pain…

"Did Madara call you Zu?"

"When we were children. When we grew up he called me Izu. But every now and then it would slip and it always made me laugh. Even hearing you say it is funny to me. It's a privilege I didn't think I'd have again."

And indeed, he was laughing at me.

"Wouldn't you like to hear him say it again?" I prodded.

"Itachi... I am not welcome in his life. I am not worth even a letter. I will not allow myself to long for his terms of endearment when I know fully well what he's done."

"I think he would very much like to see you. He has told me that himself. If I bring you back, he would welcome you. Even if the shame and regret would kill him."

"I do not want to run away from here and seek shelter with Madara like a dog. Pride is all I have left in my life, aside from memories."

"We wouldn't be running. We'd be walking out the front door. I'm not a criminal to be running away."

In all honesty, running was never a plan of mine. There would be no need for it. Of course, Tsunade would have to be persuaded. But considering how curious she was as to why we are both here, I believe I know what her price would be. My thoughts were interrupted by a surprising remark from Izuna.

"How do you know Madara is willing to face me, Itachi?" His tone was careful and inquisitive.

"When I asked him to be put in here, he asked me if I was ever going to come back. I told him that I would only come back if you came with me, and he said I might be here forever then. But he also said he wanted me to return, without arguing about my request." Izuna laughed at my last sentence.

"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue, said The Master. I do not have faith in Madara's carefully crafted words. I'm also wretched, childish, and full of shit- but I'm honest about it. And that's why I hate him. Not because he intentionally forgot about me."

"What do you mean?"

"He is childish. He is a liar. If he wanted me back he wouldn't have waited 16 years. He wouldn't have waited for you to come and save me. You're not my messiah, you were just fooled. I haven't talked to him in 16 years but I refuse to believe he was waiting for so many years for a child to solve his personal problems. If he ever loved me, that is."

When I felt like Izuna was getting too depressed from our conversations, I'd ask him about other things. I suppose I was curious to see whether he was a full adult or just an overgrown child who's had a lot of time to ponder over his emotions. For someone who complained about having had his life stolen away, he was surprisingly knowledgeable about many subjects. Given his blindness and therefore inability to read, I can't help but wonder where it all came from.

Izuna's knowledge of politics was at once fascinatingly deep, and other times surprisingly clueless. He had no idea who was president, nor did he care. He did not care what Madara had taught us and how I planned to get us out of the sanatiorium. He was certain that everything was pointless, even if it did end up going our way.

"I don't know for sure about now, but back when I lived in the real world out there, there was no such thing as freedom anyway. Our owners are just getting less and less obvious. You can't point your finger at the guy in power though. He's powerless too. He's just a puppet for our real owners. But maybe I'm just an old lunatic and the world really is getting better, not that it makes any difference to me."

Izuna was always certain that he was just a freak on a leash, and he was scared that if he ever broke free, he'd either realize just how dysfunctional the world was, or he'd realize that he broke out of the leash just to find himself in a cage.

I spent another full month trying to talk him into joining me to the outside world, without much success. He would almost seem convinced, and then the next day he'd be stubborn again. He'd have long monologues about how he needs the safety of not having a future because he never had the chance to develop any life skills.

He'd spend hours explaining to me that he is mentally weak and has no way of fighting his weakness. He'd tell me he lives a worthless existence and cannot bring happiness into anyone's life because he hardly even represents anything anymore.

He'd spend hours trying to get me to leave him alone but he was happy when I came the next day.

I think he spent many more hours by himself, trying to prepare himself mentally for what he knew was inevitable. A change. Any change.

I do not have any proof that Izuna ever trusted me on what I told him about Madara. I do not have any proof that any of it touched him.

The only proof I have of his struggles is a letter I now hold in my hand. Once he gets and answer from Madara, he said, he would decide whether he wants to meet his brother at all and in what conditions.

A/N: As I promised, here is the chapter. I hope this reveals some more stuff about how Itachi and Izuna think-they are very different people. Sasuke, Madara, and Izuna are a lot more alike in their fearfulness and inability to love selflessly, while Itachi is more daring (or shall I say desperate for love) and selfless. Izuna's quote is from the Analects of Confucius, for those who wonder who The Master is. I felt like it was a very fitting way to capture Izuna's impression of his brother and his general fear of being lied to again. As always, I hope you enjoyed it, and if you're so nice, please leave your comments below so I can know if I still have an audience or not.

-Ioio