Chapter 14: Realization

Hiroki just wandered around for most of the day even though he knew he should be home, getting work done. He had plenty of research to do and plenty of homework to look through and grade, but he just couldn't bring himself to return to his apartment. Without Nowaki there, he felt a strange pain in his chest. That may have also been the fact that he'd eaten so much food with such a high sodium content over the weekend in place of the usual home cooking that Nowaki had been providing even before he moved in.

Eventually, though, he found that he had to go back to his apartment. It was getting late and if he didn't get a proper night's rest, he was bound to look like hell when he got into the university on Monday. He had, of course, looked like hell on Friday, and he wasn't sure if he could deal with his students giving him odd looks again. To their credit they had at least seemed concerned- but that was because he was milder than usual, and he hadn't even thrown anything all during class. Not for a lack of chance, though.

By the time he realized he should get home, though, he'd wandered pretty far away from his apartment. If he just walked, he wouldn't have gotten there in any kind of reasonable time, so he headed for the train. It was about seven at night and it was crowded, and Hiroki couldn't help but feel claustrophobic as he squished into the train with dozens of other people. If he had the room, he actually would've covered his nose; some of the people near him reeked, and offending someone was the last thing he cared about right then. Or at any time, really.

Even if there was anyone he recognized there in the train with him, he probably wouldn't have seen them since he was so surrounded. He also didn't care. However, there was someone there that knew him, and when that person said, "Kamijou-san?" Hiroki couldn't help but look up.

Pushing through the crowd was a man Hiroki somewhat recognized. Normally someone he hadn't seen in six years wouldn't have even gotten a second glance, but the man named Shinoda wasn't exactly easy to forget, at least for Hiroki. He had caused him so much trouble when he was still in college, making him think that they had slept together and telling him that they should be together because he understood Hiroki so well.

And, it seemed, Shinoda hadn't exactly forgotten Hiroki, either. They hadn't seen each other since Hiroki had kicked him out of his old apartment, but, Hiroki supposed, he hadn't exactly changed that much since college as far as his looks went. Anyone who knew him would probably say that his personality had suffered, but he still had the same hairstyle, and, even Hiroki would admit, the same default expression of a scowl that let passerby know that he didn't much approve of the world.

"…Shinoda-san," Hiroki said, bowing his head. Shinoda wasn't having that, though; he'd managed to push his way through the packed train and took Hiroki's handle. Hiroki frowned as Shinoda's hand closed over his. "Shinoda-san, I don't have time to mess around. I have to get home."

"Oh really," Shinoda said, sounding interested. His eyebrows were arched, and he didn't look like he quite believed him. "Without several bags full of books?"

"Not today," he said, his mind flashing back to the night Shinoda had caught him on the train and insisted on helping him carry the several bags of books Hiroki had bought back to his apartment. He was still on the subway, so of course his worries were unfounded, but he almost expected to see Akihiko around there somewhere. He'd randomly appeared alongside Takahiro as Hiroki and Shinoda were going to his apartment, and Shinoda had found it all rather amusing while Hiroki had just wanted to strangle someone.

There was silence between the two, but the people around them made noise- talking to each other, music blasting through headphones because the volume was up too high, people talking on cell phone. Hiroki was starting to regret that he was too lazy to walk all the way back to his apartment, or at least that he hadn't gotten a taxi. But the subway was cheaper and made him exert less energy, and he needed all the energy he could get at that point.

"So what exactly have you been doing with your life, Kamijou-san?" Shinoda asked with a smile. He still had his hand planted firmly on Hiroki's, and if he noticed that Hiroki was uncomfortable, he didn't seem to care. "It's been so many years."

"Like you care," Hiroki said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh sure I do!" Shinoda said, grinning. "A lot's happened with me. I got married and divorced."

"I bet your wife couldn't stand you," Hiroki muttered, but it was clear Shinoda had heard him. "Does that mean you're straight?"

Shinoda considered this as the subway continued along. Colorful graffiti could be seen on the tunnel outside the windows. "I like to think that I just take what I like," he finally answered. "You seem to have been the only exception."

"I'm not some kind of prize to be won," Hiroki said, narrowing his eyes. "And for your information, I'm an assistant professor of literature at M University now."

"Ooh, a learned man. I like that." Shinoda just kept grinning, and Hiroki felt the need to slap that stupid grin right off his face. One hand was held down, though, and he was so squished in by then since they'd stopped at a station to pick up more people that he probably wouldn't have been able to move the other arm without groping about three people. "We never really got to finish, you know."

"I was finished with you the minute I told you to fuck off," Hiroki said, and he found himself staring at the high school girl next to them who was decked out completely in ganguro style rather than at Shinoda. She didn't even seem to notice them because she was too busy texting on her phone.

"Does that mean you actually have someone?" Shinoda asked, sounding amused.

Hiroki's eye twitched, and he was almost tempted to say that, yes, he had someone in his life now. But then he stopped. Did he really? Nowaki hadn't come back to the apartment since Friday, and hadn't Hiroki just spent an entire day wandering around Bunkyo because he felt like going back to his apartment would be too painful?

"No I don't," Hiroki muttered. He moved his eyes from the ganguro girl to the floor, or rather, Shinoda's feet. He felt his chin lifted up, though, and before he could do anything about it, Shinoda was kissing him. His heartbeat quickened, but not because of the kiss, necessarily; he was terrified that someone around would notice what was happening.

When he opened his eyes, though, he found that he was surrounded by people who didn't seem to care that he was having a rather interesting breakdown right beside them. Shinoda was the one who broke off the kiss, and it was rather obvious what he wanted. "Your place or mine?" Shinoda asked.

Hiroki bowed his head. "Mine, I guess."

xxx

It seemed like it was going to be that easy at first. Hiroki brought Shinoda to his apartment and they were at it before they had even left the genkan. Hiroki was even into at first, since it had been so long since he'd had sex with another man that he didn't necessarily care that it was Shinoda at that point.

There were moments here and there where he had more clarity than he would've liked, though. For instance, Shinoda's touch wasn't nearly as warm as Nowaki's on his skin. Shinoda's kisses weren't nearly as sweet and gentle as Nowaki's either. He was sure these comparisons would stop once they actually got to sex, though, considering he and Nowaki had never gotten that far.

Of course, since neither of them were paying attention, they ended up tripping on some books Hiroki had left out, and Hiroki cursed and pulled away from their kiss.

"Goddamit. Nowaki usually cleans up…" Hiroki muttered before he could realize what he was doing. When he saw the puzzled look on Shinoda's face, Hiroki scowled at himself and attempted to get them going to the bedroom.

"Who's Nowaki?" Shinoda asked instead, not letting Hiroki continue their kiss. He even ignored Hiroki's attempts at tugging at his shirt. Instead, he looked all around, actually taking in Hiroki's apartment for the first time. It was a mess, but here and there were signs that someone was living there with Hiroki. For instance: the children's books on the coffee table. "…ah, I think I understand, Kamijou-san."

"Wh-what?" Hiroki asked, finally removing his arms from around Shinoda's neck and looking indignant.

"Your boyfriend's away and you're feeling lonely," Shinoda said with a smirk. When Hiroki looked indignant again, the smirk just grew more devilish. "I hit the nail on the head, right?"

"No!" Hiroki said, and out of spite, he grabbed up the children's books and went to put them away so they wouldn't cause any more distractions in his conquest. He put them in Nowaki's room simply because he had been the one reading them, and Shinoda followed him there.

Shinoda seemed amused as he looked all around. The bed was perfectly made, with the pillow leaning against the headboard. Hiroki had relinquished one of his smaller bookshelves for Nowaki's use, and it was about halfway full of Nowaki's own texts as well as books of Hiroki's he'd been looking through. After Hiroki dropped the children's books on Nowaki's bed, he looked up and noticed that Shinoda was looking all around, as if trying to figure out what kind of man slept in this room.

"What?" Hiroki asked, but he had a feeling that he wasn't going to be getting sex that night. When Shinoda didn't answer, Hiroki's eyes fell to the floor and he added, "Do you want some tea?"

"That would be lovely, Kamijou-san."

They ended up sitting there at Hiroki's counter as the water boiled, Shinoda looking amused and Hiroki just looking ashamed. "He's not my boyfriend, by the way," Hiroki muttered, as if that fact were entirely relevant at this point. "In fact, he's disappeared precisely because I pointed that out."

"So you let the man move in with you before you were even in a relationship? I had no idea you moved so fast, Kamijou-san." He ran a hand through his hair, ignoring the icy glare directed at him. "But you care about him?"

"Of course I care about him!" Hiroki said, indignant. When Shinoda just looked at him amusedly, he ducked his head and clutched the mug he'd gotten out for tea when it was ready. "I'm just not ready for that kind of relationship. I'm sure you know that fact about me."

"Hmm, after six years I would've thought you had gotten over your little hang-ups." He sounded amused, though. "So does that mean you're over Usami-san?"

And that's really when it hit him. He'd spent the entire weekend obsessing over Nowaki, about why he left and whether he'd come back and just feeling absolutely shitty, to the point where he ignored everything else in his life, including Akihiko. He didn't even regret when he tossed aside the translation project involving Akihiko's novels. He'd gone as far as to ignore Akihiko's call about editing his novel, which he never would've done in the past if he didn't have something else to occupy his time.

The tea kettle started whistling, but Hiroki ignored it in favor of bowing his head again and saying, "Yeah, I guess I am."

There was a long silence, punctuated only by the high-pitched whistle coming from the kettle. Finally, seeing that Hiroki wasn't going to do anything about it, Shinoda got up and took the tea kettle off the stove. "And you want this Nowaki guy now?"

Hiroki let out a harsh laugh. "Yes, and like everything else in my life, I've managed to screw that up, too." He hadn't even told Shinoda where he kept the tea bags, but he still managed to find them and dip a green tea one into Hiroki's mug of steaming hot water. "I probably deserve exactly what I get though."

"Everyone deserves happiness, Kamijou-san," Shinoda said, bringing his own mug to his lips. "For me it's my daughter. For you, it could very well be this man. But you won't know until you try, right?"

Hiroki nodded, staring into his mug as the tea bag slowly seeped through. Then he looked up in alarm. "You have a daughter?"

"The only good thing that came out of that marriage," Shinoda said with a laugh. He patted Hiroki's head in an affectionate way. "Maybe I can introduce you two some time."

"No thanks." Hiroki blew at the top of his mug to cool his tea down. "Besides, I hate children."

Shinoda let out a hearty laugh. "Oh but I'm sure they love you."

"Just drink your tea, you jackass."