Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.

Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free super-sized servings of serendipitous snark.

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Snarky Summary: Bella and Jacob came to blows. Not that kind of blow. Degenerate. He tried to kiss her, and she told him to kiss off. With her fist. Which she broke. Ouch. Charlie proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a moron, taking Jake's side in the conflict. Bella leaves her home, mad as a wet hen to get her hand set by Carlisle. Bella finds out about the Cullens' stench issues with the tribe. As our story begins, Bella's sparklycockblocking future sister-in-laws have taken over from Edward the duty of helping Bella dress. And so we begin.

Having just completed a much needed run, I waited downstairs for my sisters to stop torturing, I mean dressing, my dear little wounded one. She'd broken he hand on Jake's dumb pate – which had me all kinds of hot and bothered. Not that way. Deviant. I wanted to make Jake even more miserable than he already was.

Aro was playing chess with one of the newborns, an awkward looking man named Newt. He had a purple mohawk, and what appeared to be a bone pierced into his nose. Ouch. That poor misguided man had just guaranteed that no decent woman would ever accept his suit. Who wanted to suck on metal? Even worse, he had condemned himself to looking like an extra from a Mad Max movie for all of eternity with that hair, those jeans, and that leather vest. That tatoos of naked women were a bit much. Aro, of course, was beating him. But Newt was putting up a good fight.

Aro asked me at vampire pitch, "Have you decided to retaliate against Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Excellent. I propose we move to the final phase of the plan. Alice has already done her part."

My sisters were upstairs listening to Bella rant about what a jerk Jacob had been – absolute music to my ears. I loved it when she came around to my way of thinking. Which was perfectly reasonable. Mostly. Sometimes. Whatever. Jacob was going down. Not that way. Ew. Never. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Just not on me. Or my woman. Or my animals. I may be the world's most repressed vampire sexually speaking, but even I had standards.

"Take her back to her father's house. Night is falling. We have work to do." My sisters, due to that healthy survival instinct, decided to release Bella to my tender loving care. Aro said so.

Bella walked down the staircase tottering on heels that Alice had insisted she break in for the wedding. Low heels. But still. I would never understand some of the things women did for fashion. And don't get me started on the ridiculous amounts of money my sisters spent on attire. The pair of shoes Alice sported cost more than Charlie Swan's mortgage payment.

"Hi." She wrapped her arms around me and leaned up on her tiptoes for a chaste kiss.

The rest of the newborns were in the back yard playing Army dodge ball. Aro threw a ball on one's arm, and he wailed because that meant according to the rules of the game, that his limb had been blown off. I moved back from Bella when I realized that two of the newborns were staring at me kissing her.

One, named Randi said to the other a formerly homeless bum named Swiney, "How does he suck on her face and not her blood?"

Swiny belched and scratched himself. "Beats me. I'd totally hit that."

"Her?" Randi pointed to Bella. "You want the human?"

"Heck no. I like the guy. He's delicious looking."

I took Bella by the arm and said, "Dearest, I'm afraid we must be going." I left to catcalls from the newborns. Damn them. On the way home, I said to Bella, "I have some errands to run. I need to hunt. I'll be in, but I'll be late."

"Fine. The painkiller your dad gave me is starting to kick in. I'm beat." She leaned over, kissed me just enough to drive me insane, and walked to her front door. Women. Crazy every last one of them. Especially mine. How I loved her. I mean, really, she could be spending the nights in my bed, and she chose instead to go to her chaste twin mattress under her father's roof. I was delighted that she was finally going to see the light. Just as soon as I finished with Jake.

When Bella returned to her house, I heard her Father wade into unchartered territory.

Charlie said, "Bella we need to have a father daughter talk right now." He shifted from foot to foot appearing to suffer from a bad case of hemorrhoids or pinworms. Maybe both.

"Yes?"

"It's about Edward."

"What?"

"Look, I know you're having sex with him."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

Bella glared at her father. She must have learned that look from me, because it sure intimidated him. "Have you seen any thing to give you that idea?"

"Er, well, no."

"Have you heard any noises coming from my room that might lead you to believe that?"

"No."

"Then what possible reasoning do you have to accuse me of that?"

"Jake says he smelled that you two had sex this morning when you went over there."

"He what? Ew! That's absolute crap!"

At that moment Bella's cell phone received an incoming text message. Alice told her that her appointment with the Ob/Gyn doctor was in fifteen minutes and she needed to hurry. Alice had seen this coming and had scheduled one for Bella a month ago.

Irate, my beautiful bride glared at her Father and said, "Let's go, you're driving."

"Where are we going?"

"The hospital."

"Is your hand bothering you?"

"No more than usual. You're coming with me to see the doctor. No more questions, Dad. Move it."

She then proceeded to take him down to the hospital and sit there while she was tested for her annual pap smear. Bella also explained her predicament to her outraged doctor who gladly took samples from her and, after signing consent forms, carefully explained to Charlie who squirmed with embarrassment that his daughter was in fact a virgin and had no signs of any sexual activity in any way in her lower region. No bruising, no tearing, no fluids…Charlie stopped the doctor when she held out the results of the test at him.

Being the sensitive man that I am, I, of course, ran to the hospital to wait in the doctor's lobby. When Bella emerged with tears in her eyes I took her in my arms. She refused to look at her Father. My beleagured beloved waited until we reached the parking lot to explode.

"It was bad enough that you took Jake's side when he assaulted me today. I couldn't believe my own father would tell someone that he was glad that he kissed me against my will. Not only did you fail as a father, but as an officer of the law I'm just …..I feel sorry for the women in this town if that's how you act when they complain about being harmed." Charlie's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

"Now Bella….you know Jake didn't mean it that way. He's a good kid. And he's only sixteen."

"I've just proved that he's a liar. Has that occurred to you yet? This is the second time in one day you've taken his side over my own. You believed him over me and I had to take you to a doctor's office and get examined in order to convince you because my word alone wasn't good enough. I'm not giving you a third strike. I'm moving out."

My heart soared. Yes! I did a mental victory dance. And an imaginary fist pump or five. In the pricacy of my own mind, thank you very much. I could be discreet.

Charlie sqwacked, "What?"

"I'll get my things later. Right now I can't even bear to look at you." Tears ran down her face.

"You're not moving in with him." He pointed at me with a shaking finger.

"You're right. I'm not. Yet," this was unexpected I looked down at her wearing an equally shocked face, "I'm moving in with Cousin Marcus. So I'll still be under a relative's roof. I'm done talking." We walked away without a word. I could tell from Charlie's thoughts that he was frantic trying to figure a way out of this mess. I could also tell that he realized in that moment that he had alienated his daughter and driven her straight into my arms. Mentally, I might possibly have stuck out my tongue and blew raspberries at Charles Swan.

"I've never missed Renee more. She'd know what to say. I am so screwed. Hey, maybe I can call those dating consultants that came by my place. Where'd I put their card?"

Bella took out her phone and dialed Jake's number.

"Hey Bells," he answered using what he called his "sexy voice". I could tell from his thoughts that he was dancing from foot to foot. He had heard through the grapevine that Bella had shown up to the hospital dragging Charlie looking humiliated. Jake was thinking that he'd play the extra sensitive best friend. She'd be in his bed in no time after of course he made her bathe ten times to wash the leech stink off of her. His eyes glassed over and he grabbed his crotch thinking about, ew, heaven's no, to my Bella.

"Do not call me Bells ever again. I just got done having a medical exam to prove to my Father that I am not having sex with Edward, not that it's any of your business."

"That fucker," Jake hissed at wolf pitch, "He lied! I knew it! I'm gonna get me some of Bella tonight!"

"It's good to know you're still a vir-I mean I was only acting as your friend."

"Friends don't try to force kisses on other friends. You know what else? They also don't lie to their friend's father trying to bust up an engagement. So I guess that means we're done as friends. Lose my number." she said and hung up the phone. My Bella. She was astounding! And getting a new phone.

Jake slammed down the phone and immediately phased and ran into the woods where his pack was. Considering he had phased with a raging erection, his visit was not well received. The entire pack instantly heard the entire episode on the pack grapevine. While holding my enraged fiancée I had the joy of hearing the pack blast Jake for being, what was that word, "a total douche" according to Seth Clearwater.

"Ew, Jake, get away from us with that thing." Brady backed away from Jake, who sniffed at his um, nether regions.

Paul waved a hand and primly said, "Jake, I'm not interested. Jesus would not approve."

Bella cried, pulling me away from all things stenchpack.

"Dearest, I am so sorry. What did he do?"

"I just realized how stupid I've been. He's such a jerk. I don't think he ever was my friend." She wrapped her arms around my waist. I patted her back. How I hated to see her weep. Although it was for a good cause. A moral one, too. Even Marcus and Aro said so.

I may have had a twinge or two of regret for putting her through this, but the pay off was worth it. Jacob Black 0 Edward Cullen 2. Game and match.

"How about I take you back to the Park and kiss you senseless?" I breathed on her.

"Have I told you that you're the world's greatest fiancé today?" She kissed my shoulder as she stood in the circle of my arms. She had no idea the lengths I was willing to go to in order to hear those words.

"Come along my love, I have a sudden urge to have my wicked way with you," I said as I carried her to the edge of the forest and slung her over my back. I had no intention of taking it past kissing and I could tell by her face that she understood. In the lush grass under the green canopy surrounded by the bloom of wildflowers, I lay her down and pulled her up against me. Gently, I brought my lips to hers amazed at how every single time this electrical charge ran through us both and I always wanted more as pleasure coursed through me.

I didn't regret for a second setting Jacob up for his fall as it removed an unsavory element from her life with a minimum of damage. And I managed to have the moral high ground in the process, and be the good guy and sensitive fiancé kissing my bride senseless with great pleasure. In the aftermath of my deceit, I was determined to let her know in every way that I could that day with my lips, and my taste, and my touch, and my scent that I was every bit as much hers as she was mine. I may have breathed on her to the point where combined with my kisses she experienced a low level climax a time or two. She was mortified and I looked at her in triumph telling her that I was awed that my kisses had such potent effect on her. What she didn't know about my breath wouldn't hurt me. And then I did it again just to prove my point. Three more times. I wanted to dance around the meadow screaming with male satisfaction as I smelled her arousal and the endorphins running through her system. Having her in my arms pushing away my own sexual frustration and seeing to her needs was worth every second.

After stopping by my house for another shower and change of clothes, Bella had to explain to me that she didn't need her hair washed this time as I sulked. She did compromise to let me brush it for half an hour.

"We need to call Marcus." I punched in his number into my phone and handed it to Bella.

"Are you sure this is okay? He barely knows me."

"He likes you, and he has accepted you under his protection. Besides, it will cheer him up. Yes, I'm sure."

"Cousin Marcus?" Bella asked.

"Yes, my dear."

"My dad and I had a big fight."

"What happened?"

"Jacob Black kissed me. I hit him. Dad seemed to think that I was in the wrong. Jake lied to him and told him I was . . . having sex with Edward. I had to go to the hospital to get a doctor's exam before my Dad would believe me. I've had it."

"My dear, I will handle this. You already have a room waiting for you at my home. Please come."

"Thank you." Bella wiped away a tear.

"Could you pass the phone to Edward, please?"

"Sure. Thanks."

"Describe what happened."

"The dog manhandled her on the Quileute reservation. She hit him so hard she broke her hand. Her father seems to be biased in favor of Jacob, despite him being the law around here and his daughter having been assaulted."

Marcus' question was music to my ears. "Can I get away with killing her father?"

"Alas, no. That would upset her. She just lost her mother, who was, if possible, even more useless."

"What about Jacob?"

It killed me to say this. "That would prove problematic unfortunately. Best wait."

"I believe I'll be taking some of my soldiers and paying the tribe a visit soon. It's about time we became properly acquainted. Thank you, Edward. Call up your animal friends. This means war." He ended the call.

Ruh-roh. Fun with Marcus next!

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