DC, April 2005
Alex is staring at the crossword puzzle in front of her without really seeing it. She's tired and grouchy; she didn't sleep well last night, like so many nights lately, and her eyes feel dry and itchy due to the past few days of balmy spring weather. She hasn't gotten around to pick up any allergy medication yet, and for the same reason she won't let JJ find out about the other pills she takes (particularly the antidepressants), she doesn't want to let the younger woman know about this either. It's stupid, she knows it is - who isn't allergic nowadays? - but to her it feels like admitting to yet another flaw. To make matters even worse, she's also twitchy and irritable since she hasn't smoked in five full hours and thinks she's going to lose her mind if she can't have a cigarette soon.
JJ is busy playing a game on her phone, and the electronic noises annoys Alex even further. She drops the pen and rubs her eyes furiously with both hands.
"Could you just stop that?" she snaps.
"Okay…" JJ says, and she sounds a bit apprehensive. It's not like Alex to snap at her, but after Christmas there has been a change in atmosphere. JJ suspects it has something to do with Alex's husband being home over the holidays, but Alex hasn't brought it up for conversation, and JJ doesn't want to ask and risk having to actually hear anything about him. At one point things were so tense between the two women for no apparent reason that JJ almost called her mother to ask for advice, but decided that she would ask Alex flat out what was the problem instead. Then, before she could gather the courage to, Alex seemed to pick herself up from whatever mood she was in and everything was fine again. Until now.
JJ wraps up the game and glances over at her lover, who has finally managed to stop rubbing at her eyes, but not removing her hands from them. JJ watches her for a while, waiting for her to elaborate on why she's being so testy, but for once the older woman doesn't even seem to sense that she's being watched. So JJ tries another approach.
"Hey, the weather is really nice today."
Alex only grunts in response, but JJ doesn't let that discourage her.
"Come on, let's go to the park. We can't stay in here hiding forever."
"Fine," Alex replies and brings her hands down from her face. "But no public affections whatsoever. We can't afford any rumours, especially not after that afternoon in my office this winter. If we're ever that close to being caught again..."
"I know," JJ says, and she can't help feeling a bit offended. "You don't think very highly of me, do you?"
Alex startles at the venom dripping off her words, and stares back at JJ.
"Where did that come from?"
JJ doesn't budge. Her youthful face looks much older and cynic in the lamplight.
"You talk like I can't even think for myself, that doesn't exactly give off the impression that you think highly of me," she says, and Alex winces. JJ nearly backs off, particularly when she takes a closer look at Alex's face - she looks like she's in actual discomfort, but then decides that at some point, Alex Blake needs to be clear on where Jennifer Jareau stands. So she doesn't avert her eyes first. Alex does.
"Perhaps I don't think very highly of myself," Alex mumbles, and if there was fight in her tone before, it's gone now.
There is an awkward silence for a few seconds before JJ picks up the thread.
"Come on. Just a stroll, we don't even have to stop, just walk straight through the park and then go back. Please? I need to get some fresh air anyway."
Alex isn't so sure her allergies agree, but suddenly nothing in the world is more important than going to the damn park with Jennifer. Besides, that gives her an opportunity to see to her nicotine addiction. She gets up from the chair and shoves the crossword puzzle aside.
"Alright. Let's go."
But JJ remains in the same spot.
"What is it now?" Alex asks, only narrowly avoiding to snap again. The younger woman moves in slowly, cups her hands around Alex's face, and gives her a long, slow, breathtaking kiss.
"If we can't touch out there, then I needed that to last the entire while," JJ whispers as she pulls back. She smiles at the dazed expression Alex sports. "Now we can go."
Alex nods, feeling just as dazed as she looks.
When they reach the park, Alex is well into her second coffin nail, and finally feels something akin to peace coming over her nerves. She inhales the smoke deeply and regrets it as she's hacking it out in a series of mostly held back coughs. JJ shoots her a disapproving glare, and Alex sighs.
Oh great, here comes the lecture. Why Smoking Is Bad For You.
"Are you okay?" JJ asks, sounding as if she'd like to add 'if not, you have no one but yourself to blame' but is too polite to.
"It's not the cigarette, it's allergies," Alex replies, conveniently abandoning her resolve not to admit to them. Rather than being chastened for a bad habit, she prefers to blame matters on something she can't be expected to control. JJ gives her a half-amused, half-sceptic smile.
"Really."
"As a matter of fact, yes."
"Why didn't you say so when we passed a drugstore? We could have gotten you something for it in two minutes."
Hooray, more drugs, Alex thinks, but she is actually asking herself the same question right now. However, she doesn't want to admit that she's even suffering at all in the first place, so she waves it off as unimportant, even though her eyes are bothering her so much she wants to claw at them.
"Never mind. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" JJ touches her shoulder ever so gently in genuine concern, and Alex imagines - it's probably just her imagination - that several people notice it and interpret it as far less innocent than it is.
"Don't touch me," she hisses between her teeth. JJ withdraws her hand and looks hurt, but holds back the retort with a heroic effort. Alex really tries to stop her paranoia from getting the best of her, and she tries even harder to soften her voice, but she fails on both accounts and the words come out sounding harsh and impatient.
"Yes, I'm sure. I'm fine."
JJ is just about to say something snarky about how there is no need for Alex to bite her head off for showing concern, which would probably end up starting an actual fight, when Alex turns away from her and sneezes. Now, she has never been one of those women who can strangle their sneezes into dainty little squeaks - if she tried, she fears her head would explode - and this is certainly no exception. It nearly frightens the life out of a poor duck at the pond, and while Alex doesn't understand bird language she's pretty sure it's yelling profanities at her as it flies off. JJ laughs out loud, Alex joins in, and just like that, the tension is gone.
"Now people stare at us, if that was what you were worried about," JJ informs her lover. Alex shakes her head and takes a final drag on the cigarette before putting it out.
"Well that was embarrassing," she says, but she smiles. She can't help it. "Poor duck. Are we done outing ourselves now, so I can go inside and maybe spare the wildlife further heart attacks? "
JJ smiles. Alex, with her dry sense of humour, is back, and the irritable woman snapping over nothing is gone.
"Sure. But we're stopping by the drugstore on our way back, just so you know."
Alex sighs and raises both hands in a gesture of surrender, but she does so in a joking manner.
"Okay, fine."
"You could have said something, you know," JJ says a while later, when they're back home, sitting on the couch, watching some ridiculous comedy on TV, drinking tea. "I wondered all day what I had done wrong and then it turns out you were just pissy because you're allergic."
"Pissy?" Alex says. "Please make some effort with your language, remember that I'm your linguistics professor."
"I actually tend to forget that," JJ admits, and Alex looks at her, amused.
"You're really not planning on going into that field of expertise after school, are you?" she teases.
"Nope," JJ replies.
"Now you're doing it on purpose."
"Yup."
"You're not funny."
"Yep."
Alex playfully pushes JJ over, but JJ reaches out and drags the older woman down onto her as she falls backwards on the couch, and puts her arms and legs around Alex to hold her in place, although her prisoner certainly doesn't protest.
"I'd rather speak body language," JJ murmurs and places a kiss on Alex's mouth. "I think I'm pretty fluent in it."
"Mmm, indeed you are," Alex replies and returns the kiss while JJ's hands sneak in underneath her jeans. "Oh God, I love when you touch me like that," she exhales, and the exhale turns into a drawn-out moan as JJ keeps touching her. If there is one thing that really gets JJ's blood hot, it's hearing Alex make that sound.
"No, don't stop," Alex begs when JJ pulls her hands out of her jeans again.
"Let's go to bed," JJ says. "I'm not sure where Agatha is or when she comes back home, but I'd rather not be caught doing the deed on the living room furniture."
"We've done it on the couch twice before," Alex objects. "Not to mention the kitchen table, although I'm not doing that again."
"Yes, but that was when she visited her parents over the weekend," JJ reminds her and pulls herself up in a sitting position. Alex reluctantly does the same. JJ is right. Agatha is fully aware of their relationship, but it would be a bit too much for her to walk in on them in her own, though shared, living room.
"Okay, bed it is," she says and impatiently takes JJ's hand. "Come on sweetie, I'm so horny."
Alex, for all her language skills, isn't usually that straightforward with her words, and it gets JJ even hotter as she gets up and follows her lover into the bedroom.
"That was incredible," JJ says some time later, but Alex doesn't reply, not even with a content sigh. The sleepless nights, the stress, the allergic reaction (not to mention the deceitful 'non-drowsy' pills she took for it) and now the exercise between the sheets have all taken their toll on her and she is fast asleep. JJ gives her an affectionate glance and snuggles closer.
"I love you," she whispers. It's the first time she says it, but Alex doesn't hear it. Perhaps things would have turned out in a different way if she had.
A week later
Alex runs into Agatha in the doorway when she comes over this Saturday evening. The redhead is dressed up and ready to go out, from the looks of it.
"You finally had enough of Jennie's preference for mac and cheese?" Alex makes an educated guess. Agatha laughs and points at her.
"Spot on, Al. You're more like a detective than a teacher."
Tell that to the media, Alex thinks. While the initial buzz over the Amerithrax case has worn off by now, there were a couple of articles around New Year's concluding the biggest failures of the past year, and sure enough, the case was mentioned, and of course, so was she. Some articles stated particularly venomous opinions on the inexperienced and unsuitable agent being in charge, some pointing out that she was a woman and that her mistake was proof that women have no business being with the Bureau. It was humiliating and she was terrified that JJ or Agatha would stumble over the articles, but they have seemed oblivious all along and in April she has to consider the danger being over.
"Seriously, though," Agatha continues and interrupts Alex's thoughts before they can get her too far down, "My friend with benefits - and believe me, there are some very lovely benefits - "
Alex rolls her eyes.
"On topic, please."
Agatha grins.
"He happens to have the apartment to himself tonight - roommates are away - so we're going to have a perfectly lovely evening, with benefits and all, and I bet so will you and Jen. Bye!"
She leaves just as Jennifer comes out into the hallway.
"I'm pretty sure she ran off because she knew I was going to make mac and cheese for dinner," she states in a mock hurt voice. Alex groans.
"Frankly, I don't understand how you can stomach so much dairy and pasta on an everyday basis; I would gulp down Pepto-Bismol like there's no tomorrow if I tried."
"Suddenly everyone's a food critic," JJ replies, but her tone is light.
"If you want to call mac and cheese food…" Alex says. "Well, lucky for you I stopped by at the grocery store on my way here, so back away from the stove and let me do the cooking."
"You don't have to…"
"Yes, I do, and don't argue with me, I haven't eaten since noon and my blood sugar is at an all-time low. If you want to make yourself useful, cork up the wine and pour us a glass. Then you can go sit over there" - she points to the counter - "and watch the Maestra at work."
"I thought it was Maestro," JJ says.
"I used the feminine form of the word."
"I keep forgetting that you're a linguist."
"And I keep wondering how you keep forgetting that," Alex says and taps her fingernails against the bottle. "Wine," she demands. "And we're not drinking it out of coffee mugs like we did last weekend."
"You're such a snob," JJ mutters and kisses Alex on the cheek when she squeezes past her to get the proper wine glasses from the cabinet. Alex just smiles and doesn't reply.
When JJ hands her one of the glasses, Alex takes a long sip and then put the glass down and steadies herself against the counter.
"Whoa, that went straight to my head," she giggles. JJ doesn't think she's ever heard Alex giggle before, and she finds it adorable. She wraps her arms around Alex's waist and pulls her in, kissing her deeply. Alex responds to the kiss for a couple of seconds, then she breaks free and pats JJ on the hip.
"Not now sweetie, I'm too hungry and you're too distracting, the combination is killing me. Go sit over there."
JJ obediently does as she's being told, and she enjoys watching the way Alex prepares the vegetables and the shellfish into what looks and smells like a delicious meal. Every movement of her hands is fleeting and elegant, strangely erotic, almost like watching a talented dancer swirling across the floor.
"You have very beautiful hands," JJ suddenly blurts out. Alex blushes. "No, you do," JJ insists.
"Age tends to show on the hands first," Alex replies without looking up from what she's doing. "That's why women in the past usually started wearing gloves around middle age."
"Gee, that was a compliment, not a hidden insult. Just say thank you, and let it go," JJ sighs and sips her wine. Alex turns towards her and smiles.
"Alright. Thank you."
But letting it go is harder. She's acutely aware of the fifteen-year age difference. JJ is just starting out life as an adult, and she really doesn't need all the complications a relationship with someone that much older will bring. Besides, JJ is probably going to want children soon, and there's nothing wrong with that, that's how it should be, but even if Alex was interested in having children - which she isn't - she can't do that and still keep this a secret. Divorce, rumours, likely a loss of her job, it's all part of that package and she has promised herself she is not going down that route. She has consistently lied to herself that this decision is made in JJ's best interest - and she has made that decision without even once speaking to JJ about it - and is honestly unaware that it's less about JJ's best interests and more about herself and her insecurities.
Right when she's in the whirlwind of these thoughts is when JJ says it. Almost as an off-hand comment, out of the blue.
"I love you."
Those are powerful words, perhaps even more so to a linguist, and definitely more so to this particular linguist. She herself has said it less than a dozen times in her entire life, and she remembers each and every one of those occasions. She can't say it in return now. If she does, she seals this relationship, and she can't do that. So she pretends she doesn't hear over the noise from the frying pan, but she's holding her breath to see if JJ is going to repeat the words, or in any way show that she expects an answer. But JJ doesn't. Alex keeps her back turned to her, keeping her eyes closed while she has a quick internal debate with herself and reaching a conclusion.
I'm putting an end to this tonight.
Then she turns to JJ with a smile that seems almost completely natural.
"Will you set the table?"
"Sure," JJ says and slides down from the counter, oblivious to the life-altering decision that has just been made, the decision to bury their love affair alive.
Later the same evening
Alex sits on the side of the bed, fully dressed, watching the angelic face of the sleeping JJ. Her heart is broken and yet still pounding in her chest. Her heart… it's remarkable how much alike the words heart and hurt sounds, and they don't even share any common root. It's as if they're made to go together.
I love you too, you see. That's why leaving now is the only responsible thing to do. The longer we stay in this dream, the harder it will be for both of us to wake up.
She carefully gets up and tiptoes through the room, only staying in the apartment long enough to scribble down a note that she leaves on the kitchen table. It's nowhere near enough, she knows that, and shame and guilt consumes her for treating her beloved Jennifer this way, but she knows that she couldn't walk away if JJ looks at her with those wonderful blue eyes. Not for any reason, not with any excuse. So this is how it must be done.
She runs her fingertips across the piece of paper, almost tears it apart and throws it away so she can undress and go back to the bed where her heart insists that she belongs, but then she leaves it alone. She has made up her mind and she sticks to her decisions. She puts on her coat and shoes and then slips out into the night and disappears, like a dream that slips away from memory when morning comes.
And she cries all the way home.
A/N
I'm going to get back to the events unfolding right after this one in the next chapter. So yes, you will get to know JJ's reaction when she wakes up to find Blake gone with just a note left behind.