**A/N: I know, I know... it's been months.

I'll just give you a quick update on my life. It's good this time, I promised. My absence has been a combination of school and work (as always). But my spare time has been spent with a wonderful man, ironically who is 6'2 with blue eyes named Steve. I swear, I making up zero of this. I didn't even go after him. When he kissed me at a party, I was SHOCKED but was like "yeah, I'll give this a shot". Half a year later and we're still together. So yeah... I've been a little distracted by my real life Steve and forgetting about the fictional one. I make no promises about updating more often since the last six months have FLOWN by and I've barely written anything. In fact, this chapter was practically done months ago and I just forgot about it. I'm sorry. Like I said, super distracted.

Chapter 14- Determination

/dəˌtərməˈnāSH(ə)n/ noun. firmness of purpose; resoluteness.

Days seemed to drag on forever as Bethany tried to pull herself back together. Doing it for herself was never something she considered. In fact, pulling herself back together required a lot of effort and she frankly didn't have the energy. But she knew that at the end of the day, it wasn't her that mattered. It was that blond haired little boy that was starting to distance himself from his mother. Steve was right; Jamie knew something was wrong. And with his inability to comprehend just what, he reacted by giving her space. It was the last thing Bethany wanted, but the first thing to actually get her to really push her recovery in the right way. So while she still wanted nothing to do with a therapist, she was forcing herself to be social with the friends she had been avoiding for the past month. Pulling herself out of bed most mornings was hard enough, but actually sitting down with them and talking about life seemed like one of the hardest things she had ever had to do, and Bethany Rogers wasn't new to the phrase 'hard-knock life'.

That day, Jen was coming over. Bethany hadn't seen her in a long time, but she was hoping that having a fellow mom who also went through something traumatic and recovered would inspired her to do the same. Well, actually, it was Steve's idea. Who really got it from Sam. But the end result was still the same; Jen was coming over after breakfast. Bethany really didn't want to get dressed, but Steve reminded her that he was making it as easy as possible for her. He wasn't going to accept her little excuses if he could easily solve them. Which meant that some mornings, Steve would wash, dry and style Bethany's hair before picking out her outfit. And while Natasha pointed out to him that it was encouraging her behaviour, Wanda was the one who reminded them all who the true Bethany Stark really was. And they all knew that deep inside, no matter how tired she was, Bethany was chomping at the bit to have some freedom. And getting herself dressed in the morning definitely qualified as a sense of freedom.

So instead of letting Steve do all the things she didn't want to do that morning, Bethany forced herself to do them. The entire time, her eyes were blurry with fatigue and her limbs heavy. She even sat in the tub, letting the water from the shower fall over her as she slowly built up the self-encouragement of getting herself ready. Her morning shower took much longer than expected, but she took less time when doing her hair and that felt like a small, but much needed victory. She even forced herself not to pick clothes that would be considered 'lazy' or 'easy'. She took out a few jeans, opting for the ones that looked the most put-together and found an old top that she had forgotten about and decided to take out of retirement. And while it took a while for her to be completely clean and dressed, she had done it by herself and that was all that really mattered.

Overwhelmingly, Bethany could feel her meds evening out as the days went by. She was still exhausted almost all the time, but she could feel actual emotion in her little smiles now. And when she was sad, it wasn't so intense. But now that she was crawling out of her bubble, she knew that there was one thing the meds wouldn't be able to fix no matter the dosage; the anxiety regarding Jamie's health and safety. Because at the end of the day, the threat was very much real. It wasn't something she had made up in her head. It wasn't something that was irrational. Bethany caught herself wondering daily whether or not she should welcome this fear or wish it away. Both emotions had pros and cons.

"Jamie, wait," Bethany called out after she took him out of his high chair. His bib was still securely around his neck, but he was chasing after Steve, who was heading for the door.

"Wait Daddy!" Jamie shouted, ignoring his mom.

"Whoa, hold on," Steve replied, scooping Jamie into his arms as Bethany stopped in front of them. "I think you're forgetting something."

As Steve took the bib off, Bethany accepted it with an exasperated look. Jamie was supposed to stay with her today, but by the way he was clinging onto Steve, it was evident that it wasn't happening. "It's fine," Steve promised her. "Obviously it's easier to train without him around, but not impossible."

"He hates me," Bethany whispered under her breath.

"No, he doesn't. He's just used to this new routine," Steve explained. "But you know what? Maybe this is a good thing. Let you and Jen talk with no distractions."

"You make it sound like we are a couple going through a bad spot and talking about what our future holds," Bethany mumbled as a knock sounded at the door.

"One step at a time," Steve reminded her as he went to open the door. "Jen. Good to see you."

"God, it's amazing how fast they grow, isn't it?" Jen asked as she stepped inside, touching one of Jamie's feet. "Morning Bethany," Jen smiled when she saw her.

Bethany offered a little wave, looking at her little boy. She wanted him to respond to her smile, but he was too wrapped up in the excitement of getting ready to leave the house to notice. "Come on in," Bethany instructed Jen, looking at Jamie for a moment longer before leading Jen into the house.

"How's it going?" Jen asked her, taking a seat at the kitchen table where two mugs were already waiting.

"Fine," Bethany said, getting the kettle before sitting at the table. "What about you? I know last time we talked, you mentioned Theo was having issues adjusting to you and Javan." Bethany poured hot water into her mug before handing it to Jen. It had been a while since Bethany and Jen last talked, and she felt a little guilty about that. It had been even longer since she had seen Theo. In a way, she felt like she abandoned the little family to focus on her own.

"He's… adjusting," Jen said carefully, pouring her own water. "I don't think he had an issue about it until kids at school pointed it out? I don't know. It's New York. I figured lots of kids in his class would have same sex parents. I just think he's confused about the entire situation. I still am, to be honest."

"Confused about what exactly?" Bethany asked as she began to make her tea, listening to the front door open and close. She missed Jamie already.

"Well, Javan wants me to hang out with some of her friends. No problem. That's totally normal when you are dating someone," Jen rationalized. "But they're less like friends and more like a lesbian support group? I mean, they are all gay. And I'm not entirely sure that I am. And more than that, I don't understand their pressure for me to give it a name. A label. They keep trying to explain all the different sexualities and genders, and I don't know what to do but daydream about brownies."

Bethany couldn't help but chuckle, shaking her head. "For some people, it's simple. I like men. I like women. I like them both equally. For some it's difficult."

"And I get that," Jen agreed. "But I'm not attracted to other women. And I'm still attracted to men. But Javan is different. And I don't know how to label that for their sanity."

"Who cares?" Bethany asked honestly. "You're happy. Isn't that all that matters? Does Javan care whether or not you give yourself a label?"

"She says she doesn't, but I think she does," the woman revealed, sipping her tea.

"Just remind her how you feel about her," Bethany suggested. "Maybe she feels insecure?"

"Maybe," Jen agreed.

"And as for Theo," Bethany continued. "He's a good kid. But he's also too young to really understand. All you can show him is that you're happy with the relationship and hope that he'll get it."

"You make excellent points."

"And how are Javan and Theo getting along?" Bethany asked, trying to picture the dynamic.

"They're friendly," Jen sighed. "Javan is not exactly good with kids. She wants us to start talking about moving in together, but I don't think it's a good idea with the way things are. Theo is number one, no matter right. And I don't want to jeopardize what we have."

"Move in? Wow, that's quick," Bethany replied.

"Especially since I'm thinking about moving out," Jen said quietly. It was only when Bethany cocked her head to the side slightly that did Jen elaborate. "I got this in the mail," she began, pulling a letter from her bag and handing it to Bethany.

She took it, opening the letter and reading the first few lines. "You've been invited to join the training team at the Facility? That's impressive, Jen," Bethany expressed. The training team was a group of individuals, mostly ex-SHIELD agents, that were being trained as a response team currently, with the future potential of joining the Avengers.

"You knew about this, didn't you?" Jen asked with a soft smile.

"A little," Bethany admitted. "Look, we've been compiling a list of individuals that possess abilities. The list is surprising long. And getting longer. There's a team monitoring them, making sure that they don't use their abilities in a way that would mean us getting involved. We haven't had any concern for you. I guess they decided that since they were sure in your loyalties and ability to control your abilities, they'd invite you? I didn't know they were seriously considering it. But I've also been MIA from work for a while."

"It's flattering," Jen allowed. "But I don't use it. I don't need to. Not in the life I live. In the life I want to live. And while Theo would think it's super cool, I don't want to go through all that. It would mean time away from him, and the chance that something could happen. To either or us. After what happened to… well, after what happened," Jen said carefully, avoiding fully bringing up Jamie's kidnapping. "I just want to be careful."

"From my understanding, the offer remains on the table," Bethany explained. "But I understand where you're coming from. Do whatever you feel is best for you, your son and your relationship. But why move out?"

Jen took another sip of her tea and let out a deep breath before replying. "We came here for safety and security. I took a job. Everything was great. But now I'm thinking about going back to ER shifts and living in the city. Normalize our life after the crazy year and a half we had."
Bethany nodded respectfully, not just approving of Jen's idea, but desiring it herself. She had no desire to leave her beautiful home, but she did wish that the Avengers Facility way very, very far away. And that she and Steve had normal jobs. A normal life after the crazy one they lived. It was only when they were on vacation that they ever got a semblance of real life. "You need to do what feels right," Bethany told her. "And if normal is what you want, then go for it."

"I'm really considering it," Jen replied with a soft smile. "Enough about me though. Tell me what's going on with you. And don't just say that you're fine. I know you're not. Everyone knows. And no one blames you."

Bethany let out a deep sigh, thinking carefully before responding. "I'm better. I'm starting to feel myself care about the things I did before. But as much as Steve wants me to return to 'normal', I know that after what happened, I'm always going to be thinking about Jamie's safety. Can I take him out with me to get groceries? Can he attend school? Baseball games? I want him to have as normal of a childhood as possible, but I'm too afraid of what could happen. And it's a realistic fear. It's happened. They took him."

"I know," Jen whispered. "And it's not going to get easier with time. Because the more time that passes, the more you'll wonder 'when next'?"

"Yeah," Bethany agreed. "It's so confusing. It's his life. It's not something I'm willing to gamble. But at the same time, I don't want to be overprotective and keep him from experiencing life."

"You've got some time until you have to make the really hard decisions," Jen pointed out. "But it's good that you're starting to return to the life of the living. You got out of bed today. You're here, talking to me. That's a pretty big step. I've been in a similar position as you. It's hard. But you have Steve."

"Yeah," Bethany agreed with a grin. "He's been great through it all. Patient. Even when I was giving him every reason not to be. But firm. Without him… well, we know what I'm like without him. And with Jamie? There's one thing that I can promise him and it's being a good mother. And I'm trying to get back there."

"You are there," Jen promised. "You're going through a tough time. And maybe Jamie is a little distant from you right now. That's not going to last forever. He just needs to see you better. And happy."

Bethany nodded to herself, looking into her mug. She knew that everything Jen was saying was right. It would just take time. And while not everything could return to normal, her relationship with Jamie could. And she was determined that it would.

"Hey, slow down!" Bethany called out to Jamie, who was tearing towards the front door with excitement. It was the first day in a long time that Steve had left Jamie at home when he went to work, and Bethany was a little out of practice. It seemed like he was a ball of energy, but Bethany knew that he was usually like this. She was just lacking some energy. She was feeling better, but she still hadn't gained all her energy back. It felt like Jamie was bouncing all over the house and she could barely keep up. It was only eleven and she was ready for a break.

Bethany placed a basket down on the floor when she reached the front hall. Jamie had been asking to see his Daddy all day, so Bethany decided they'd meet Steve for lunch. That way Jamie could see Steve and Bethany could get a little break. It was a win-win situation. "Hold up, Munchkin. You need boots and a jacket."

His eagerness pulled at her heart. She was happy that Jamie had created this unbreakable bond with Steve, but she couldn't help feel replaced. Jealous. The past few weeks had created a strain between them, but now that her thoughts had returned to normal and she was just waiting for the rest of her energy to come back, she was fully aware of how much the strain had hurt Jamie.

"Come here," Bethany called to Jamie, who complied. She took his jacket off his hook and helped him into it. "Okay, now can you put your boots on by yourself?"

"Yes Mumma," Jamie replied, earning a smile from his mom.

"You're such a big boy," Bethany told him before bending her head down to kiss his forehead. "You excited to see Daddy?"

"Yes!" Jamie exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down. When they were both ready, they piled into the car before making the small journey up to the Avengers' Facility. The snow had come down hard in the past few weeks, making it almost impossible for Bethany and Jamie to walk to the Facility. Jamie's little legs would have to work overtime to lift up and over the high levels and Bethany didn't have the energy to trudge through the snow while carrying Jamie and the food.

The drive was short-lived, not even the length of a full song and Bethany had to repeat her previous struggle of dealing with a car seat, energy-filled toddler and winter clothes. "Mumma, can I play with Wanda?"

"We'll see," Bethany replied, struggling to get Jamie's puff filled sleeve out of the car seat strap. She personally had no objection to it. In fact, Jamie playing with Wanda would be a welcome, since it would give Bethany a moment where she didn't have to entertain Jamie. But Bethany knew that the team was trying to up their training. They had come up with different types of battle plans they wanted to practice until perfection before they introduced them into missions. She didn't want to distract them, especially since she had unintentionally cut into a lot of their training time over the weeks. But they all needed lunch, and that's how she kept justifying it to herself.

"Stay close," Bethany instructed Jamie as she lifted him out of the seat and onto the ground. She hadn't used the underground parking since she knew Jamie had a habit of running off and playing hide-and-seek between the parked cars. She definitely didn't have the patience for that today. Instead, she parked right out front, in a spot that technically wasn't a parking spot. You fucking own the place though, she kept telling herself.

"Look Mumma!" Jamie called out as Bethany reached deeper into the car for the basket of food.

Bethany went to tell him to hold on before she heard a loud crash from the other side of the car. Her first instinct was to stop what she was doing, turn around and embrace Jamie, ready to keep him from harm's way. Only when he was safe in her arms did she move around the car to see the source of the crash. "Steve?" She asked, seeing him lying on a pile of snow, broken shards of glass around him. "What happened?!"

Steve sat up, wincing a little, but seemingly okay as Bethany rushed towards him, minding the glass. "Wanda lost control," Steve mumbled before slowly standing up.

"Are you okay?" Bethany asked, reaching a hand out to touch his arm.

"Yeah," he nodded, looking over to the broken window of the Facility. The team was at the window, looking worriedly at their Captain. "Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing feels broken."

"Daddy flew," Jamie said to Bethany, causing her to chuckle.

"Yes, I did," Steve agreed, lifting a teasing eyebrow. "What are you two doing here? Not that I mind."

"We brought you lunch," Bethany explained. "And also, someone missed their Daddy."

"Me!" Jamie declared.

Steve laughed, taking Jamie into his arms, allowing Bethany to go get the food. The three of them walked back to the Facility, Wanda immediately apologizing to Steve when he returned to the training arena. "No harm done," Steve assured the teenager.

"Well, no permanent harm," Bethany teased. "He's a lot tougher than he looks," she continued, not letting the girl see how scared she was just a few minutes prior.

"I'll pay for the window-"

"We have insurance for a reason," Bethany interrupted. "Broken windows aren't anything special around here. Go eat your lunch. Forget about the window."

Begrudgingly, Wanda followed directions as the family found a small corner in the Facility to set up their food. Steve helped Bethany unfold a blanket to create a makeshift picnic area. As they waved the blanket in the air, smoothing out the wrinkles, Jamie ran underneath it happily. His parents chuckled at his antics, keeping up the waving motion much longer than necessary. When they finally got Jamie out from under the green blanket, they laid it down and begun to unpack the picnic basket.

"So what exactly were you doing?" Bethany asked Steve as she took out a mini sandwich and handed it to Jamie. His chubby fingers took hold of it before he excited took a bite from it. Bethany, despite still feeling her exhaustion from the day, couldn't help but smile fondly at the act. Eating was pretty high up on Jamie's list of favorite things these days. If he didn't have such good genes running through his body, she'd be concerned about him gaining too much weight. But his high metabolism and energy would allow him to indulge in his favorite past time for as long as he pleased.

"Well," Steve began, taking a bite of one of the sandwiches. "Vision, Sam, Rhodey and Wanda can fly. Tony too. Or, hover above ground to be more specific in Wanda's case. I'd be a fool to not acknowledge how convenient that has been in missions."

"Right," Bethany nodded, knowing that jumping long or high distances could only take you so far. "So you're trying to train her to help you fly?"

"You don't sound too enthused by that," Steve chuckled, picking up on her unsure tone.

"You listed off everyone who can already fly," Bethany reminded him. "Stacked pretty heavily. Just you and Nat that are grounded. So why take on this? Not that it doesn't sound cool, I just don't understand why—Nope, I take that back. I understand why. I don't like why. I don't approve why. But I understand."

"Sometimes, it has to be me," Steve told her, knowing that she clued into the fact that he wanted this extra skill so he could take on more tasks. "I can do so much things that they can't. Or they can do, but at a greater risk for themselves."

"Not Vision," Bethany argued quickly. "Steve, he's an Android. A machine. Made of vibranium. He's the most durable."

"And not the easiest to blend into an undercover mission," Steve reminded her. "Which you should know better than anyone."

Bethany shook her head, handing Jamie another sandwich. "You have more to lose than anyone, Steve. And yet you're still hell-bent on taking on the biggest risks."

Steve sighed, collecting his patience. "It's who I am Bethany. You know that. I can't willingly let someone else risk their safety when I could be the one-"

"Your mission at the end of the day is to come home," she interrupted. "Not be the biggest hero. Okay? I need you. Jamie needs you. Hell, we were talking—trying—to have another baby. I can't just accept the fact that you want to introduce a new element of danger into your life. No matter how cool it may be."

"Do you want us to stop practicing it? If you ask me to, I will," he tried to wager.

Bethany scoffed, shaking her head. "No, I want you to not want to do it because you don't want to. Because you get it. But you don't. I get whiplash with you sometimes Steve. God, sometimes you're perfect. Thinking about me and Jamie and showering us with affection. And then you do something like this that makes me feel like you don't care about your safety or us."

"You're the most important things to me in the world," Steve insisted quietly, not wanting to make a scene.

"Yeah. And like I said, sometimes I see that. I feel that. Sometimes I don't. You're stuck between these two worlds still. And I have always been apart of this superhero world of yours. I've been here since the beginning. But it still feels like you have these two worlds. Steve Rogers, an amazing father and husband and Captain America. And as amazing and valiant as Captain America is, you focus solely on the job and not what it takes to get home."

Steve took in a deep breath, letting her words mull over in his head. He understood her point. She had been there since he originally donned the persona of Captain America. She helped make him Captain America. And yet she was right. He was still struggling between the two identities. "If everyone only focused on making it home at the end of the day," Steve began slowly, wanting her to absorb every single word. "Then no one would get saved. This job… it's dangerous. We all know that. But it's still our responsibility-"

"No. No, it's not," she disagreed. "Why are you responsible for half the shit that goes on?"

"Language," Steve replied sharply, looking at Jamie whose eyes were intently trained on his parents' heated exchange.

"The only thing you're responsible for in this world is this," Bethany said, pointing to Jamie. "To hell with the rest. You aren't responsible for it. You're choosing to do it. To put on the suit. To risk your life. And I know that I fell in love with that man, and I still do love you. I just don't understand why you're so intent on becoming more involved with the action, risking more of yourself, when you said you would start stepping back soon."

They were quiet once again as the words sank in. Steve knew that she was right in a way. He was supposed to be winding down soon. What he wanted to say to her, but cleverly kept to himself, was that he needed a reason to step away. It pained him that Bethany, their son and the promise of more children in the future wasn't that reason for him. He needed something else. An excuse of types. Maybe it was because he had been Captain America as a husband and father already. Successfully too. And while one could argue that Bethany could eventually reach a breaking point and leave him due to his work as Captain America, he really didn't believe that. Bethany would fight, just as she always did. She wouldn't step back from this one. He could see it by the fire in her eyes.

But despite the fight, Steve knew for certain that Bethany was starting to emerge again from the depths of her depressive state. And right now, that's all that mattered to him.

**A/N: So last year, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and because I had no idea what was happening to me, I did fall into a light depression. What kept me in this world was knowing that I still had things I wanted to do (get married and have kids, mostly). Sometimes, finding a reason to keep living means looking into your future and hoping you'll get it. I'm glad I'm still around since this year has been the best of my life so far.

My point is, as I was writing Bethany's depression, I took my own experiences. As a writer, that can be dangerous unless you have got the right help and are mentally in a fantastic spot. Growing up and living in this world is difficult. Depression, anxiety and all the other mental illnesses are surrounding us. Sometimes, it's really difficult to ask for help. It took me MONTHS. After a week of having constant panic attacks (always in front of people), I knew that I had no other option than to admit I needed help. While I will occasionally get a panic attack (even with therapy and anti-depressants), it's easier now than it was before because I UNDERSTAND what is happening while before I just straight up thought I was a crazy-ass bitch.

At the end of the day, I may be absent from FF, but if you need someone to talk to, I am available. Even if it's just to ramble about how you feel. Isolating yourself doesn't help at all. Taking a step forward to recovery does.

Thank you all for your support and messages of worry during my absence. Moving forward, just assume I'm happily in love and enjoying life. I will continue to update when I can. Like I've said before, I am not giving up on this story, and I won't let it give up on me. I just need time/motivation that is now dedicated to my other half.