Chapter 14 - Not Today

Ana's POV

I decided not to walk at graduation, it would have been to hard to see Christian again. I'm waiting for my diploma to come in the mail, and then I'll be leaving for New York. I can't get into the dorms until August, but Bob said I didn't have to worry about any of my expenses when going to New York. He is going to pay for my tuition, and he has an apartment I can stay in until my dorm is ready. I'm thankful to him for taking care of me financially, but I also know they are glad I'm leaving. They don't want me here anymore than I want to be here.

I haven't talked to Christian since that night he walked out. He didn't even give me a chance to explain, and honestly I don't blame him. I wish I would have been able to say I love you, and maybe then he wouldn't be gone. If I would have just said those three words, he wouldn't have left. I think about the last time I held him, the last time we kissed. I try to hold onto all those little moments so that I don't forget how he made me feel. He made me feel safe, and loved. But when he really needed me, I couldn't give him what he wanted.

I finish packing the last of my things, most of which will be going into storage. I stare at my empty room, hoping for some kind of feeling, but I just feel as empty as the room. I go down to the dance studio and turn the music on full volume since no one is home. I don't know how long I spend down there. I sit on the floor when the song starts.

Someday I won't be afraid of my head. Someday I will not be chained to my bed. Someday I'll forget the day he left, but surely not today. One day I won't need a PhD, to sit me down and tell me what it all means. Maybe one day it'll be a breeze, but surely not today. But surely not today.

I sit back up when the song picks up.

Oh you don't know what sadness means, 'Till you're too sad to fall asleep. One day I'll be snoozing peacefully, but surely not today. Surely not today.

I stand, and it hits me how much this song speaks the truth.

Surely not, surely, surely not. Surely not (surely not today).

One day the thought of him won't hurt the same. Won't need distractions to get through the day. I guess I hope I'm gonna be okay. 'Cause I'm not today.

I hit the floor again, stopping all movements. One day feels so far away. I turn the music off, and head up for a shower. I have to check the mail yet today, hoping for my ticket out of Seattle.

I hear the doorbell ring,and go to answer it. A piece of me hops it's Christian, but when I open the door someone I least expect is standing on the other side.

"Linc." I say catching my breath.

"Ana. Can I come in?" He asks, and I step out of the way. We go to the living room, and sit down.

"I got a divorce." He says, like it should change something.

"And?" I ask. What does he want?

"I want to make a new contract." He says, like it should be obvious.

"I don't want a contract." I say honestly, even if I'm not with Christian. I don't want to be with him.

"Why not?" Isn't that obvious?

"You lied to me. I don't trust you."

"Do you think one day you'll change your mind?" Will time really fix things?

"I don't know. Maybe." I say. Am I lying to myself now?

"Can we still be friends?" He asks, a little sad.

"I would like to stay friends." I don't have many friends, and he was always there for me when I need him.

"I'll be waiting, Ana." With that, he give me a kiss on the cheek and he's gone. I didn't mean to give him a false sense of hope. Would I really ever want to be with Linc again? Things with him were great, but he lied to me. Could I trust him again? He helped me a lot, and to that I'm thankful for him. There was a time in my life where I needed him, and what he gave to me. He made me happy. Not as happy as I was with Christian. The two men really don't compare. I don't see anything wrong with being friend's. I'm not ready to give him up. When he's gone, I walk to the end of the driveway hoping that today will be the day. I need to go to New York and leave all this mess behind me.

I find the large envelope in the mailbox, but when I start looking through the mail I see something else addressed to me. It's handwritten from none other than Carrick Grey. I open it, trying to steady myself

Anastasia,

I know nothing I could do or say could help what you are feeling right now. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I'm sorry for the pain that I caused. Please accept this, as it is rightfully yours. I know it won't make up for what's happened to you, or what I've done. I just want to be there for you, anyway you'll let me. I'm sorry.

Carrick

There's a check in between the note and blank paper. I see the amount of 100,000 made out to Anastasia Steele. My first instinct is to shred it. I reread the note. I can feel his remorse through the words and think better of it. It brings me little closure, and although I have no use for the money I decide to deposit it. I don't want him to think money will make this better, but when I think of what to do with this amount of cash, I know instantly.

I get in my car and drive to the bank. After I cash the check, I head home and finish up a couple loose ends. I grab the keys to the New York apartment and grab the few pieces of luggage I can take with me. I get in the cab, and head to the airport where I wait for the next flight to New York.

Christian's POV

There's a knock at my door, and I don't move an inch. I was hoping the bed would swallow me whole, but no such luck.

"Yeah?" I call out, after no one come in. I hear the door open, but don't look to see who it is.

"There was a letter for you in the mail." Mia says, it was probably just information on Harvard.

"Just leave it on my desk." I say, I can't move.

"It's from Ana." She says, and when I look I see her hand reached outward with a small envelope. I snatch it from her, thanking her quickly before she leaves. I know I've been insufferable lately. I'm like a child who just lost their puppy. I'm always in bed, and if I'm not I'm angry. I don't smile, don't laugh anymore. My sunshine has been taken away. The sun has not risen or set, and I'm in perpetual night. I love her, and she doesn't love me.

I quickly open the envelope and read the note ignoring the paper that drops.

I believe in you. Do great things. Ana xx

I want to rip it, but my fingers graze across the letters. What does this mean? I pick the paper that fell up, a check in the amount of 75,000. I stare at it like it's going to light on fire. She believes in me, but she doesn't want to be there for me. This is more than what I needed to start my business. After everything that happened, she still wants me to succeed. I want to apologize for walking out, I want to tell her I'm sorry. I run and grab my keys, speeding to get to her house as fast as possible. Her car is in the driveway and I pound on the door. When the door opens, I'm surprised to see Bob standing in front of me.

"Is Ana home?" I ask.

"She left for New York, three days ago." He says, and my heart breaks again. I thank him, and drive home. I want to drive to New York, but I realize how crazy that is. She's gone, and I'm too late.